Knotted Roots (2 page)

“Roxie,
your mother and I have something that we need to discuss with you.  We wanted
to wait until after the summer, but it seems that’s not possible now,” he
paused and drew a deep breath.  “Your mother and I are getting a divorce.”

Have
you ever been sucker punched? Like the air has been physically forced out of
your body?  That would be exactly how I felt at that moment.  I couldn’t
breathe and my mind decided to take a vacation to la-la land at the same time.
The only thing I could do was to stare at them both, suddenly unsure who the
hell they were. 
My
parents would never get divorced. 
My
parents
were perfect for each other.  All of my friends wished their parents were as
cool as mine, so how in the hell could something like this happen?  People
don’t envy dysfunctional, do they?

“Di...di...vorced?”
I stammered. The word felt foreign on my tongue.  “But...I’m so confused. 
Why?”

My
dad heaved a huge sigh as he prepared to answer.  “There are just some things
that are left alone for now sweetheart.  This is one of those instances.”

“I
have a right to know Dad.”

His
gaze shifted to my mother as his eyebrows drew up in question.  “Care to
explain to our daughter why we’re getting a divorce?  I mean, this is your
doing, after all.”

I
looked at my mother’s face and noticed for the first time that her light blue
eyes no longer shined. There were more wrinkles than I remembered seeing a few
weeks ago.  She wouldn’t look up to meet my father’s gaze.  Her delicate hands
wrapped around a crumpled tissue as she stared down at her bare feet.

“Mom? 
What’s going on?  You guys are scaring me,” I said before I put my hand on
hers.  Her skin felt dry and rough.  Someone desperately needed to moisturize.

“It’s...complicated
baby,” she replied.  “I’m so...sorry... you had to find out like this.”

“Complicated? 
How complicated can it be?” When she didn’t meet my eyes I turned to face my
dad’s intense glare, the pain in his eyes unmistakable.  I stood and faced
him.  “Tell me.  I can handle it.”

He
looked down at me and tried to smile, but all he managed to do was grimace. 
“Your mother and I...well...we no longer feel...we no longer feel the same way
that we once did.” He paused briefly and looked over my shoulder at my mother. 
He returned his attention to me and continued, “We are... no longer in love. 
That happens sometimes.”

“How
do you just fall out of love?  That’s ridiculous!  You don’t just stop loving
someone like that,” I said as I snapped my fingers. 

“Cal...Just
tell her.  No sense in lying to her.” My mother’s voice was thick with tears,
but I couldn’t bear to look at her.  I kept my eyes focused on my dad.  He had
always been the stable one, my rock, in this world. 

“No. 
If you want her to know, then you tell her.  It’s your dirty little secret.” He
spat the words out as if they left a rancid taste in his mouth.

I
looked between them, no longer sure of who these people were.  The venom that
spewed from my father’s mouth scared me, but it was the pain in his eyes that
gripped my heart.  Did I really want to know what had happened in their
relationship to get to this point?  Only part of my heart could answer that
question with a definitive yes.

“I’m
not doing this,” my mother said, as she jumped up from the couch.  She tied her
robe tightly around her body and squared her shoulders.  “I don’t have to
explain myself to anyone.  This is over, so let’s just drop it.”  She spun on
her heel and stormed away from us. 

I
heard the door at the end of the hall slam.  She had closeted herself in their
room again.  There was no telling when she would resurface, and I had no idea
if she would stay here or not.  My heart sputtered at the thought of waking up
without either one of them here, in
our
home.  I couldn’t stand any
longer.  My knees were weak from shaking. I collapsed on the couch that my
mother recently vacated.

My
dad fell to his knees in front of me, his rough hands grasped mine, and
engulfed them in warmth.  “We wanted to wait. 
I
wanted to wait...I’m so
sorry baby.  Guess this is another thing we have failed at.”

My
ears were set ablaze at his pitiful words.  This was NOT the man who had raised
me.  The man who had taught me to be strong-willed and opinionated.  The one
who told me to never say sorry unless I truly meant it.  And even then he
claimed it was a sign of weakness.  Yet, here he sat as he wallowed in his own
pity.  No.  I couldn’t deal with that side of him.

I
ripped my hands away and jumped to my feet as I backed away from him and his
neediness.  “How dare you,” I growled.  “My entire life you told me not to show
weakness.  Not to let someone else control how I felt.  And yet here you are. 
Pathetic.”  I ran away, down the long hall to my room at the end.  I slammed
the door, hard enough the framed pictures on my walls shuddered under the
impact.

I
rushed to my bed and threw myself down, the tears that had threatened from the
start slid down my cheeks.  No heavy sobs escaped, just whimpers.  I could not
allow great, heaving sobs to escape my body.  I could not be weak like my
parents.  If they couldn’t make a relationship work, well that was their problem. 
But I wanted nothing to do with any of it.  The thought of leaving home scared
me, but at this point anything was better than being here. 

I
hadn’t seen my Grandma since I was a year old.  Would she even recognize me
now? Would she care?

CHAPTER TWO

The
drive to the airport was tense.  I could feel the anger as it rolled off of
both of my parents as they pretended to be civil for my benefit.  Did they
seriously think they could fool me?  I had heard their yelling every night for
the last week as they drove that wedge even further between themselves.  I knew
that the smiles on their faces were fake, as well as the breezy tone that they
each used when they addressed each other.  Their act was causing me to become
angrier as we moved through traffic to reach the airport.  I decided to text
Amber again and hoped that she would respond this time.

Where
were u?  U were supposed 2 come say goodbye this morning.
I stared at the
phone after the text went through.  This was the fifth time I had texted her
since last night, and hadn’t received a response.  I knew, deep down, that she
wouldn’t respond, but I couldn’t help but keep trying.  She was supposed to be
my best friend, so why hadn’t she responded?  Why hadn’t she been there this
morning to say goodbye?  That’s what best friends did, right?

“
Mom,
did you remember to call Grandma Betty and remind her when my flight would
land?  I don’t want to be sitting there all day waiting.” I knew she had, but I
wanted to be absolutely sure.  Plus, it was a way to get her to talk; hopefully
it would break the tension that surrounded them both.

“
She
knows.  She’s not that old,” she chuckled at her own joke.  That was debatable,
especially since she had sent a Barbie every year for my birthday since I was
three.  Didn’t she realize that I was 17 now?  That had to be a sure sign of
senility.

“
Are
you sure that my stuff will be there?  What if it never made it there? I only
have one outfit in my suitcase,” I replied, as anxiety wrapped me in its grip
once again.

“
Roxie,
breathe.  Everything is taken care of.  We shipped your stuff there express. 
It will be there when you get there,” said Dad, while he shook his head in
frustration.  He obviously didn’t understand how valuable all of my clothes
were.  Men never understood clothing.

“Easy
for you to say,” I replied under my breath.  They weren’t the ones being
shipped off to parts unknown.  The anger that I felt towards both of them
threatened once again, as it had bubbled and roiled all morning.  I didn’t want
to be angry with them, but they gave me no choice.  In fact, they took away all
of my choices.

 
As
we pulled up at the front of the airport, the heaviness in my heart grew
worse.  New Yorkers were not exactly known for their patience, so I knew that I
had only moments to say goodbye before the honks and cursing began all around
us.  I was sure I would miss the fast paced life of home.  I gripped my bag
tightly as I pulled out my ticket, and opened my door.  Stepping out of the car
felt more final than it should have.  Maybe my heart knew something that my
mind hadn’t grasped yet. 

I
set my bag on the ground, leaned into my mother’s window and gave her a brief
hug.  We all said goodbye, tears streamed freely from their eyes.  I hadn’t
been able to shed a tear for them today.  That would mean that I would miss
them, which I had decided last night wasn’t going to happen.  I stood again and
picked up my bag.  I looked at them one last time before I turned and walked
away.  I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was seriously wrong, but I
chose instead to ignore it.  I had enough to deal with at the moment and didn’t
need the added worry about what the future would hold for all of us. 

The
smell of dirt and grime assaulted my nose as I walked through the glass doors
of the airport.  I went through the process of check-in and found my terminal. 
The whole time I repeatedly glanced at my phone, hoping that Amber would text
me back.  Still nothing.  Screw it.  I had nothing to lose.  I typed in her
number and put the phone to my ear, listening to “Don’t Stop Believing” as it
rang on her end. 

“Hello?”
Amber answered hesitantly.  Was that a hint of guilt I heard in her voice?

“Amber?
Where the hell were you this morning?” I screeched.  The anger I was already
feeling at being stood up, plus what I felt towards my parents, finally spilled
out.  “I waited for you!  I looked like a complete idiot out there on the
stoop.”

“Roxie,
I’m so sorry.  I had something that I had to deal with this morning,” she
sighed into the phone.  That didn’t sound like a sincere apology at all.

“Really?
Like what?” I asked, my voice dripping sarcasm.

“Don’t
do this.  Please.  Not right now.  Shouldn’t you be on a plane already?” I
heard laughter in the background.  And the voices were familiar.

“A
party?  You’re at a party? You’ve got to be kidding me.” I was beyond spitting
mad at that point, red starting to cloud my vision.  “I can’t believe you stood
me up for a stupid party!”

“It’s
not stupid! It’s Craig’s end of the year bash!  You
knew
that it was
today.”

“Wow. 
Just wow.  You know what?  Screw you Amber!” I yelled before I angrily stabbed
the end button on my cell phone.  It wasn’t nearly as satisfying as slamming a
phone down in its cradle, but it would have to do.  The tears I wouldn’t shed
for my parents now poured down my face.  Amber was supposed to be by my side
until we were old and gray.  I hadn’t expected her to pick Craig’s party over
saying goodbye to me, but obviously I didn’t know her as well as I thought.  It
seemed that I didn’t know anyone as well as I once thought I did.  People
continued to disappoint me.

I
sat there as the tears silently slid down my cheeks, at least until the
boarding call for my plane.  I angrily wiped the tears from my face as I stood
and grabbed my bag, viciously shoving my phone into my purse.  I walked slowly,
dragging my feet with each step.  I dreaded leaving, but after Amber’s quick
dismissal and my parents acting like complete idiots, I knew that getting away
was the best thing for me right now. 

What
do you say to a woman that you barely know?
Hey there, thanks for taking me
in.  Where the hell have you been the past 16 years?
I had a feeling
that
wouldn’t go over very well with her.  Mom told me that Grandma Betty was a true
Southern woman.  Respect and manners was evidently a big thing with her.  She
won’t know what hit her when she gets to see the real me.  The Roxie who was no
longer a toddler, but a 17 year old woman who was pissed off at the world. 
Bring
it on
Betty.
You don’t know what you’ve gotten yourself into.

The
plane ride was uneventful, my mind constantly jumped from my parents, to Amber,
to Grandma.  I thought about Mom and Dad.  Were they arguing right now? Were
they sorry for sending me away?  Then Amber was there, front and center, and my
blood pressure shot through the roof.  I felt betrayed and angry, but most of
all I was hurt.  She had made her choice...and this time it wasn’t me.  As for
Grandma...well, I had no idea what to expect.  But I knew one thing: when the
plane landed, she was going to wish she had said no to this “visit.”

* * * *

“Roxanne!
Roxanne Lynn!” I heard the gravelly voice long before I saw the face attached
to the sound that grated on my already raw nerves.  I scanned the small
airport, searching for the owner of that distinctly Southern voice.  What I
found was a petite woman wearing a red flannel shirt and light denim jeans. 
Her arms flailed about her head as she desperately tried to grab my attention. 
Even from this distance I could tell that she was nothing like my mother.  I
couldn’t fathom how this woman gave birth to the cultured and pristine woman
that I grew up with.

I
started to walk towards her as she made her way through the other waiting
people to get to me.  We met about halfway and she gripped me by my arms and
drew me into a fierce hug.  Wow!  I wasn’t expecting her to be that strong. 
For a woman of her age I was expecting a frail hug from a shriveled, old woman,
not a bear hug from a well-muscled and toned woman. 

“Roxanne,
it’s so good to have you here baby!  Let me take a look at you,” she drawled as
she pulled back to scan me from head to toe.  “You sure are skinny girl!  Don’t
your parents feed you up there in New York?”