Lady of Light (36 page)

The merciful man doeth good to his own soul: but he that is cruel troubleth his own flesh.

Proverbs 11:17

After Doc Childress had set Ian’s nose, treated Evan’s split lip, and taped his cracked rib, the MacKays rode home in a tense silence. Beth and Ian were then summarily sent to their rooms. For a time, as she and Evan washed up and prepared for bed, Claire began to hope nothing more would be said about the evening’s unpleasant ending.

Finally, however, Evan, dressed now in only his denims, whirled around as Claire stood at the mirror, brushing her hair. “Well, are you going to explain what Brody Gerard meant by all those accusations?” he demanded. “They’re not about to disappear or be forgotten anytime soon, you know.”

Claire’s hand tightened on the brush handle, her knuckles clenching white. Then, with a weary sigh, she laid aside the brush and turned to face her husband. “He only means to stir up trouble between us—in any way he can. You told me yourself he hates the MacKays.”

“So are you saying everything Gerard said was untrue?”

For once in her life, Claire fervently wished not only that she could lie, but lie well. But she couldn’t. Evan was her husband, and a marriage built upon lies was no marriage at all.

“Nay, I’m not saying that.” She met Evan’s hard, searching gaze. “I had more than one reason for going outside last night. I’d noticed that Beth and Ian had disappeared, and I went to look for them.”

His mouth went taut with disdain. “Evidently you found them. What were they doing?”

“I wasn’t the first to find them. Noah Starr had gotten to Beth and Ian first.”

“So you hadn’t gone out to meet Noah.”

Claire stared up at Evan. “What would ever make you think that?”

He shrugged. “Maybe the fact that just as soon as you left, I happened to notice Noah wasn’t around either. And considering the rumors that started up the last time you two were found alone …”

There was something in Evan’s voice, something that made Claire suspect her husband’s intent had sprung from a motive far beyond concern for her reputation. The realization angered her, not only for her own sake, but even more for the sake of the good-hearted, totally innocent priest.

“So, you came out after me because you suspected I might be having an illicit tryst with Noah, did you?” she demanded, refusing to make excuses or back down.

“I didn’t exactly say that.” Evan had the good grace to blush.

“Aye, you all but did.”

He stared at her, and Claire could see his own anger begin to rise.

“Tell me then, Claire, once and for all, that I don’t have any reason to suspect you.” Evan’s voice dropped a notch, became soft and intense. “That’s all, just once, and I’ll never speak or think about it again.”

She could feel the blood drain from her face. Mother Mary, she thought, her panic swelling, did he know about that one day when she had looked upon Noah as more than just her priest and confessor? But how could he? And, even more importantly, how could he doubt her loyalty, her love?

The hurt and sense of betrayal she felt were mirrored in Evan’s eyes. She saw it there, shining clear and strong as a starry, Highland night. The realization plucked at a memory. A memory of a day months ago, when she and Evan had first visited Lainie and Donall MacKay.

On the walk to the old couple’s croft house, Evan had spoken of Hannah for the first time. Spoken of how the loss of her love had shattered his trust that he’d ever again be worthy of another woman’s love.

Recalling that day, Claire understood now how deep her husband’s wound still went. How vulnerable he still was, and how he might yet harbor a secret fear of someday losing even her to another man. But they were unfounded fears.

How, though, to lay those fears forever to rest? How to speak the words he needed to hear?

Mayhap, in withholding her secrets, she had been party to the problem. Mayhap, though she had tried to hide the truth from him, Evan had sensed there had always been a tiny part of herself that she kept from him. And mayhap, just mayhap, that wound would remain and fester until she, at last, fully opened her heart to him and revealed all her secrets.

“You haven’t aught to worry about or suspect, Evan,” Claire finally said. “You’re my husband. I love you.”

“And Noah. How do you feel about him?”

She resolutely met his gaze. “I care for Noah. Indeed, the day Noah counseled me about clearing the air with you, I did feel a passing awareness of him as a man. It was an awareness, though, that sprung solely from respect and gratitude for his kindness to me. Aye, the feelings frightened and confused me for a short time, but I soon realized that’s all they were—a passing awareness that quickly faded back to the warm friendship we share.”

“So, you lusted after Noah, and you expect me to accept that it’s over, never to happen again?” He gave a harsh laugh. “Think again, Claire. Don’t forget I’ve been down that road before.”

“I didn’t actually
lust
after him.” Frustration filled her. “I just saw him suddenly as a man as well as a priest. Is that so wrong? Have you never felt that way since we were wed? Have you not even once gazed upon Hannah since we came to Culdee Creek, and not seen her as a woman—the woman you once loved—instead of just a friend and another man’s wife?”

“You’re my wife now, Claire. I love you, and I’ll always be faithful to you.” Evan looked away. “That’s all that matters.”

“Aye, Evan, and it’s the same for me. Temptation isn’t a sin, unless you give in to it. And I didn’t sin in my passing fancy for a man who, by the way, never, ever did aught to suggest or encourage such feelings. Where I did sin, though, was in keeping all the secrets from you. I was wrong to do so, and I’ll never do it again.”

“Secrets?” He threw back his head in exasperation. “There are
more?
“

Claire dragged in a deep breath. “Well, aye. There’s also the tale of my first encounter with Brody Gerard in Gates’ Mercantile, the day after Devlin broke his leg.”

“Gerard!” he snarled, his expression darkening. “And exactly what happened that day?”

“He wished to see my hair unbound, and proceeded to pull a pin from it. When I slapped him, he grabbed me. Then I kicked him in the shin. That made him verra angry, but luckily Noah happened along at that moment. In that quiet way of his, he finally convinced Mr. Gerard to leave.”

“So, tonight wasn’t the first time Gerard laid a hand on you.” A hard, furious gleam flared in Evan’s eyes. “If I had known that when I lit into him …”

“That’s why I hadn’t told you before now. I didn’t want to be the cause of you getting into a fight with that man. And I hoped, if mayhap foolishly, that Mr. Gerard would just go away.”

“Fat chance! The man’s like a vulture, constantly circling its prey, waiting for a sign of weakness to close in for the kill. Best way to deal with a vulture is to shoot him clean out of the sky. You don’t give a man like Gerard multiple chances, at least not if you value your life anyway.”

At the cold fury in her husband’s voice, Claire couldn’t help a shiver. She had never seen this ruthless side of him before, and it frightened her. “Well, no matter,” she hastened to say. “He’s in jail now, and can’t harm anyone.”

“Yeah,” Evan agreed, “and once I tell Jake about this other little incident, maybe it’ll be enough to send him back for another stretch in prison.” He paused to study her intently. “Well, reckon that only leaves us one last secret to deal with, doesn’t it? So how about you finish telling me what happened after you found Beth and Ian with Noah?”

Nay, husband, Claire thought, meeting his gaze. There is
one
more secret besides the problem with Ian and Beth. Some instinct, though, suddenly made her hesitate telling him about that night in Sutherland. Or at least not until the matter of Ian and Beth was resolved first, at any rate. Ian had enough problems right now, without adding even more.

She sighed. “I told Noah I’d deal with Beth and Ian, so he left. That’s when Brody Gerard walked out from his hiding place and, not long after, you arrived.”

“So Gerard got an eyeful of what went on between Beth and Ian, and then with Noah, and with you.”

Claire nodded, her mouth suddenly as dry as cotton. Here it comes now, she thought. “Aye, I suppose he did.”

“And what did he see, Claire?”

She knew she could protest that she didn’t know, not having been there herself, but she
did
know. Or at least had a pretty good idea anyway. Beth and Ian’s guilt had been almost palpable.

“I suppose he saw them kissing,” she replied as calmly as she could. “They care deeply for each other, you know?”

“I’d an inkling that might be the case.” Evan ran a hand raggedly through his hair, setting the dark, wavy strands awry. “But I’d counted on Ian coming to me before things got out of hand. He’d promised me he would. And then there was also my trust in you, that you’d share any concerns about them with me.”

He walked to the room’s only chair, a finely wrought oak rocker, and flung himself into it. “Why didn’t you come to me, tell me about Ian and Beth before nearly the whole town got involved?”

She licked her lips and swallowed hard. “The whole town doesn’t know. Only Noah and Brody Gerard.”

“Well, we know Noah won’t say anything, but are you willing to bet my sister’s reputation on the fact Gerard will keep his big mouth shut?”

Claire didn’t reply. Evan knew the answer to that as well as she. Besides, what concerned her now was what Evan planned to do about his sister and Ian. “I was wrong to keep this from you, just as I kept the other secrets, but I thought I could handle it. You were so burdened with all the work and responsibility—”

“That’s not really why you tried to keep this a secret, and you know it!” Evan spat. “It was because you were trying to protect your brother. Maybe that’s been the problem all along, Claire. You keep making excuses for Ian, trying to solve his problems for him, and he’s never had to take responsibility for his own actions.” He shoved from the chair and began to pace, shaking his head like some lion parading before his pride. “But not this time, Claire. This time Ian’s going to bear the consequences of his actions!”

Fear swelled within her. She clasped her hands to her chest. “And what about Beth? She’s as much to blame as—”

“She’s thirteen! Ian’s sixteen!” Evan swung around and leveled a furious gaze on her. “He’s old enough to know better, while Beth is just barely coming into womanhood. Blast it all! Doesn’t that boy have a shred of decency or honor in him?”

“Now hold on a wee minute,” Claire cried. “You don’t know Ian like I do. He has his problems, but he’s deep down good and decent. You’re talking as if he’s some slavering lecher, when he’s but a normal lad in love.”

“Love!” Her husband gave a snort of disgust. “And pray tell what, at their age, do either of them know about real love?”

“Och, how can you be so thick-skulled, Evan MacKay?” Frustration flooded her. “It doesn’t matter what either of them as yet truly knows. What matters is whatever they feel, they feel strongly, with all the power and glory of youth. It’ll do no good to punish them for it. We must help them control it, and understand why the fullness of that love must be saved for marriage.”

“Well, I don’t see any evidence of control or understanding in their behavior tonight!” With that, he took back his seat, closed his eyes, and began to rock.

Claire watched him for a time, knowing full well that Evan was sorting through it all and formulating a plan. The tension built drop by drop, like water leaking through a chink in the roof, until her nerves were strung so tightly Claire thought she might scream. Strung tightly—between her loyalty to her brother and her husband.

If she could have, Claire would have run rather than ever be forced into such an untenable position. But this time there was nowhere to go, no place to hide. Nowhere save here, in this room, and it all—
her
life as well as Ian’s—suddenly depended on what Evan would next say.

“He’s got to leave Culdee Creek, Claire.” The pronouncement, when it finally came, was the most brutal utterance she had ever heard from Evan. “Maybe only for a time, until both he and Beth can get this better under control, but Ian’s got to leave.”

“Och, nay!” In frantic denial, Claire flung herself at her husband’s feet. She laid her hands over his, and felt him clench the chair arms. “Don’t send Ian away, Evan! It’d break his heart. Culdee Creek’s his home, the first decent home he’s had in so verra many years. He needs us all if he’s ever to heal.”

The tears welled, then spilled down her cheeks. “And I need him. I-I love him.”

Evan lifted an anguished face to her. “Do you think I
want
to do this, Claire? Don’t you think I feel a responsibility to the boy? And don’t you know that I realize how it will hurt you?” He pulled his hands from beneath hers and clasped her face in his palms. “But what choice have I? I’m responsible for my sister while my parents are gone. And, even if they were to come home soon, what kind of position would it put them in, having to weigh Beth’s welfare over the impact sending Ian away might have on our marriage? Either way, they’d be forced to choose between one child or another.”