Lady of the English (60 page)

her stomach. “I have asked myself what God is saying to me by visiting this curse upon me,” she whispered. “What does He want me to know? What does He want me to do?” She wrinkled her forehead. “Why is He taking my energy back to him while my body is still here? I will willingly give Him my soul if He asks it.”

He made a sound in his throat. “I do not want to lose you.”

Adeliza touched his cheek, feeling the burr of stubble under her fingertips and the warmth of his skin. He was strong, healthy, bursting with life, just like their children.

“This is no good for either of us,” she said. “What kind of a wife am I for you, and what kind of example as a mother to our children? I do not want them to see me like this.”

“I will not have you say such things,” he said fiercely. “You will get better.”

“I have been sick for a long time and I am not improving,”

she said, and prayed she would have the strength to fight this through. “I cannot continue as I am. I would be better off elsewhere, so that the part of me that is still whole can do something of benefit.”

“What do you mean ‘elsewhere’?” He eyed her suspiciously.

She closed her eyes. “To the convent at Afflighem,” she said.

“I am still able to pray.”

“No!” He instinctively recoiled because Afflighem was where her kin were buried, and it solidified the notion of losing her. “I will not allow it!”

“Then what will you do, my husband?” She raised her lids again and fixed her gaze on his contorted expression. “Watch me lie here and fade away before your eyes and those of our children day upon day? Let me at least end my time usefully.”

He left her side to pace the room, digging his hands through his hair. He felt as if he would burst with pent-up emotion while she lay there like a wan and beautiful effigy. He thought 478

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of the struggle he had had to make her leave Wilton to marry him. Perhaps God had only allotted him this short time and it was at an end like a tree blossoming in springtime and shedding its leaves in autumn.

Her devotional stood under the window with its candles and crosses and one of her crowns: a delicate thing worked in spikes of gold adorned with pearls and small sapphires. Beside it was a jewelled cross he had given her not long after their marriage.

He had been so proud to see her wear it. A beautiful object for a beautiful woman. His wife. His queen. The light of his life.

Now she was asking him to let her go. He curled his fingers into his palm and looked at his clenched knuckles. “Strong Arm,” some called him at court. But what use was such power in the face of this request? Whether he refused or consented, he was going to lose her.

He turned and came back to her, and slowly unfurled his fist into an open hand. “Very well,” he said. “If that be your wish, go to Afflighem. Make your arrangements. We will tell the children that, as a patron, it is your duty to visit the nunnery, and that you are going there for contemplation and prayer. All those things are true, and I would not lie to them.”

Her eyes flooded with relief. “It is for the best.”

“Not for my best,” he said. “I am losing the better half of myself.”

“I will just be in a different place, and that is nothing new to our marriage. You are often away at court while I am here.

Now you will be at court, and I will be at Afflighem.”

“But you will not be here waiting for me within riding distance, or sharing my bed and my thoughts, or teaching the children…”

“No.” She looked towards the window and bit her lip.

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task, and I trust you. They have Juliana and Melisande, and their uncle Joscelin. I will not allow them or you to watch me decline further than this.”

He swore under his breath and took her hand, gripping it in his as if he would imbue her with his vitality. He would have drained himself for her, and he felt impotent that he could do nothing.

“Sire.”

He turned at the interruption, ready to bellow at whoever dared disturb them, then bit his tongue as he saw that it was Rothard, Adeliza’s chamberlain, and his expression was wide with concern. “There are heralds at our gate from the empress,”

Rothard said. “She requests leave for her and her household to bide here for a night. My lord FitzCount is with her too.”

Will drew breath to snarl that he would not countenance having them under his roof, but Adeliza forestalled him, pressing her hand down on his and gathering herself to lift her voice. “Tell them they are welcome,” she said.

Will stared at her in furious astonishment as Rothard departed. “Are you mad? I will not become embroiled again!

Do you want Stephen descending on us with an army? Shall I lose Arundel as well as my wife? Is that what you want?” He made to pull away, but she continued to grip his hand.

“This will be the last opportunity I have to see her,” she said.

“She is not here with an army. This is a personal visit, and one she must have risked much to make, because this is not safe territory. It is not about war and political manoeuvring.”

“You said that nine years ago,” he snapped, “that it was just a visit between kin, and look where it led.”

“That was not the beginning, as well you know. What can she do now? She has no army and Robert is dead, God rest his soul. If you do not want her within the castle, then put me in a litter and I shall go to her. I mean it, husband,” she added 480

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as he began to shake his head. “I may lack the strength, but I certainly have the will. Will you grant me this?”

His mouth twisted. “When have I ever refused you?” he said and, turning on his heel, banged out of the room.

Adeliza closed her eyes, summoned what small strength had trickled into her bones from the wine she had drunk, and had Juliana and Melisande help her rise and dress. Her clothes hung on her and the women had to draw the lacings to their tightest to fit her figure. She had them flush her cheeks with a tint of alkanet ointment, and placed a dab on her lips. She drank more wine and managed to eat a crust of bread while the maids put fresh covers on the bed and burned more incense on the braziers to freshen the room.

Then she sent Melisande to organise the kitchens and prepare sleeping space for the guests, and prayed that she could hold herself together for the duration of their visit. Much as she wanted to see Matilda, she hoped her stay was going to be a short one.

ttt

Matilda faced Will in the great hall. Last time they had been in each other’s company was in the snowy courtyard of Abingdon Abbey.

“Domina,” he said with a curt bow. He did not kneel and she let it pass.

“Thank you for opening your gates,” she said, her tone gracious but frigid.

“Do not thank me,” he replied. “I would have refused you, but Adeliza insisted and while I could so easily deny you, I cannot find it within me to deny her.”

Matilda gave him a narrow look. “I will not stay long, but in the interests of all she has done for me and meant to me, it would be discourteous of me not to bid farewell.”

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that Matilda recoiled and Hugh Pluckenett and Brian FitzCount hastened to her side, ready to defend her.

“Tact was never your strong point,” Will said, “but that is crass even for you.”

Matilda gazed at him in affronted amazement. “What is crass about wanting to see Adeliza before I leave for Normandy?”

Colour flooded back into his face. “You are leaving? I thought you meant…ah, nothing.” He gestured towards the stairs. “Go, speak with her.”

Matilda stared at him. “Thought I meant what? What is wrong with her? Is she ill? There has been no mention in her letters.”

“She would not make a parade of it for others,” he said, and turned his head, refusing to engage further.

Filled with apprehension, Matilda climbed the stairs to Adeliza’s chamber and found her sitting in a chair by the hearth.

Her cheeks were rosy, but the colour looked painted on and beneath it she was like a wilting flower.

“Forgive me if I do not rise,” Adeliza said, “but you are welcome, whatever impression Will may have given to you in greeting. He is as grumpy as a bear just now.”

Matilda hurried over to her and kissed her cheek, and felt the dusting of cosmetic against her lips. “Oh my love, why did you not say you were unwell?”

“What would be the point of telling you about something you could not change?” Adeliza shook her head. “It would only have added to your burdens, but I am truly glad to see you before I leave. I have a letter half written…”

“Before you leave?” Matilda looked at her in surprise. She had come here to say her own farewells, and this reception at Arundel had thrown her off balance. She had prepared herself for many responses, but not this one. Nor had she bargained for finding Adeliza in such a weak physical state.

As Adeliza told her about her decision to retire to Afflighem, 482

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she struggled to assimilate the news. “At least there I can pray and be of value, rather than lie here feeling like a useless husk.

Will has accepted my choice, but it is a raw wound for him. I know it is the right thing to do, but he is not yet convinced.”

Her voice faltered. “The baby is but a year old. If there was another way, I would take it…”

“Perhaps there is another way. Have you tried—”

“The physicians have done everything they can,” Adeliza said wearily. “Now it is in God’s hands and that is why I must go.”

“When will you leave?”

“As soon as arrangements are made. Will is likely to drag his heels, but I will find the strength to chivvy him.”

Matilda shook her head. “I did not realise you were sick. I came to tell you I am returning to Normandy.”

Now it was Adeliza’s turn to stare. “Why?”

“I need to raise money and troops. With Robert gone, there is no one to command an army, unless Geoffrey or Henry take on the mantle. Henry is almost of an age to rule. Next month he will be fifteen; that is older than his father was when he married me and became Count of Anjou.”

“It is still perilously young to govern,” Adeliza said with concern.

“I agree, but he has abilities beyond his years, and even if I cannot lead an army, I can still advise him. There are many who will help him in the field, but he will be their uniting emblem.”

She looked at Adeliza. “Like you, I have little choice. Henry must come to the fore. I was furious with him when he crossed the Narrow Sea and made that foolish attack on Stephen’s castles, but I was proud too. That was a year ago, and he has grown and matured in that time. He will be king, I know it with all my being. Men such as your husband will support him, where they would not support me. It is not defeat,” she added, setting her jaw. To admit defeat would make this terrible, 483

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bloody war worthless and, at the same time, set its price beyond anything that could be repaid.

“No,” said Adeliza. After a moment she said, “You could sail from Arundel with me. Your baggage is at Wareham, I know, but you have some things with you here, and I would welcome your company on the voyage.” She bit her lip. “It also means Will would have to let me go instead of striving to delay me, which I know he will try to do.”

Matilda looked taken aback, but then grew thoughtful. “I cannot tarry,” she said. “I am not leaving England because I am abandoning it to Stephen but because I need to organise resources in Normandy, and I need to begin straight away.”

“The sooner the better.” Adeliza’s chin dimpled, but she controlled herself. “The moment there is a fair wind for a crossing.”

Matilda nodded. “In that case I will send word back to Wareham, and help you to pack what you need.”

ttt

By the castle jetty on the river Arun, a ship rode at anchor. The wind was strong and bitterly cold, but the weather was clear and the master had assured his charges that they would be safely ashore in Normandy well before nightfall.

Will stood with Adeliza, waiting for the sailors to complete their final preparations. She was wrapped in a thick, fur-lined cloak to protect her from the wind and sea spray. Above the bulk of the rich blue wool, her face was as wan as a lily and her eyes enormous. He kept striving for normality, telling himself that she was only going to Afflighem for a short time to pray and recuperate and that she would soon return, but it was like a bandage over a wound that would not stop bleeding.

He was glad Matilda was accompanying her on part of her journey. He had no love for the empress, but there was a special bond between the women and he knew, with Matilda’s 484

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strict rules concerning routine and order, Adeliza would be well looked after, and at least the empress would be out of the country and his way. Even the blackest cloud had a silver lining.

He took Adeliza lightly in his arms. She was so fragile that he feared to use his full embrace on her. Grief engulfed him because he knew he was bidding farewell to something he would never have again. He cupped her face and stroked it for the last time. Her skin was still smooth despite her five and forty years. All the damage was on the inside.

“I have something for you,” he said. “Something I want you to remember me by when you pray because we can be together in God if nowhere else.” Opening her right hand, he placed in it a string of rock crystal prayer beads, adorned by a cross set with red gemstones, and then closed her fingers over it. “The bible says that a virtuous wife is more precious than rubies,” he said hoarsely. “I will love and honour you all the days of my life, no matter how long I live.”