Laid 2 Rest Two Halves of a Whole (10 page)

Later that evening, we dropped all the kids off at Maya’s house and headed for the little café to meet my brother. The owners there were like family to my dad. He went there everyday for the last 13 years of his life. They were as brokenhearted as we were when he died. They even put aside the chair my dad always sat in, out of respect for him. No one would ever sit in it again. Seated at my dad’s favorite table along the windows, we ordered all his favorite dishes to honor him.

Even though it was dinnertime, I chose the biscuits n’ gravy for myself, my brother got a pastrami cheeseburger with onion rings, my nephew got ham n’ eggs with a big stack of fluffy pancakes, while Jay ordered the chicken fried steak smothered in country gravy. A couple of my dads old friends came over and joined us along with the café owners and before we knew it, our little party of four turned into eight…. ten…. then twelve. I think we had close to twenty people join us by the end of the night.

It was comforting to hear all the different stories about my dad that I had never heard before that evening. He was loved and missed by so many.

Things were moving along smoothly until I caught a glimpse of someone who walked past the café window out of the corner of my eye. I wasn’t 100% positive because the picture filed in my brain was so fuzzy, but I was sure that I knew him from somewhere. I continued to watch him as he opened the café door and walked over to the counter.

Everything shifted into slow motion. I could make out every fine detail, the way his head swayed lightly as he moved, how he shifted all of his weight to one leg as he stood there waiting. The subtle way he moistened his full lips before speaking to the girl behind the register. “I called in an order for pick-up,” he told her.

“Name?”

“Tannon.”

My heart dropped to the floor. There standing in the flesh was the grown up version of the boy in blue. He looked flawless, dressed in a dark gray business suit. Even though he was impeccably groomed, the thing that stuck out the most… was his face. There wasn’t a scratch on it from what I could tell. He still had that perfect baby face. I assume the shooting never took place and the business suit implied that he had made something of himself. Was this the effect from having never met
me?

Am I really that bad?

I watched him as he paid the girl twenty bucks and told her to keep the change. He grabbed the brown paper bag from off the counter and walked casually out the same door he entered. He did not see or acknowledge me in any form just like a stranger would have.
A stranger
, my mind repeated mentally. That was exactly what I was to him now, I realized as Tannon retraced his steps past the window before vanishing from my sight forever.

It wasn’t until I heard someone’s chair screech across the tile floor that time sped back up. I looked around to see if anyone else had noticed what just happened to me, but luckily, everyone was still caught up in a story that someone was telling. The group exploded into laughter… except for me that is. I didn’t even know what they were laughing about since I hadn’t heard a single word of it.

Jay however, noticed this instantly before asking, “Are you about ready to go? You’ve had a long day and look tired. Let us get you to bed, huh. What do you say?”

“Sleep sounds wonderful. I think my jet lag is starting to kick in anyways,” I replied automatically, unsure of how I felt about seeing Tannon again, but grateful to know that he was doing just fine without me.

We said our goodbyes and got back on the road and pulled up to Jay’s house around midnight. We made our way thru the house, grabbing my bag out of the living room before heading back to my room. “If you need me, I’ll be right across the hall,” he said sitting my things down on the edge of the bed.

“Jay, I know where your bedroom is. I think I’m just going to take a hot bath and then turn in for the night if you don’t mind,” I responded coldly, throwing my walls back up out of sheer habit.

Leaning down, he hugged me close to him then kissed me on the cheek and turned to leave.

I caught his arm to stop him from going which was completely out of character for me. Over the years, I‘ve grown used to seeing a man’s back, but this was Jay… not Diego. “Thank you for everything. I couldn’t have made it thru today without you. You know that, right?”

He simply brushed his thumb gently across my cheek, smiled knowingly, and then took his leave, closing the door softly behind him.

Whomever he finally ends up with… will be one lucky ass woman, I thought sadly to myself.

Restless, I tossed and turned for hours unable to fall asleep that night.

Leaving my room, I crossed the hall to Jay’s, pressing my ear up against the door, I listened for a second. I could make out the sound of his light snoring, so I pushed the door open quietly and tiptoed inside.

He looked so peaceful sleeping there, that I made a sudden split-second decision to see if he was willing to share some of that peacefulness with me. I already knew he would…
he’s been trying to get me back into his bed for years
.

Pulling back the covers, I slid in next to him as gently as I could, so I wouldn’t scare the shit out of him.

Good Lord,
these sheets are soft. What are they, 4000 count? Only the best I see for Mr. Basketball.

Tucking myself up under his arm, I rested my head by his collarbone. “Hey you,” he groaned softly, somewhat unsure about my sudden unexpected appearance, but gently wrapped his big strong arms around me anyways.

“Hey.”

“You okay?”

“I’m alright now. Can you just hold me for a little while until I fall asleep?” I said, making my intentions clear just in case he thought I was there for a late night booty call.

“I got you, love. Just close your pretty little eyes and try to clear your mind. I’m here and I won’t let anything bad happen to you.” He kissed my forehead, snuggled in a little closer to me, and began stroking my hair gently.

I loved when he did this and he knew it; I felt my body relax instantly. You can’t image how safe and secure I felt with him next to me, so I simply closed my eyes and fell fast asleep in a man’s arms for the first time in years.

CHAPTER FIVE

W
ITH THE HOLIDAYS OVER AND
long forgotten, I found myself caught up in a whirlwind of cashing in all the gift certificates, my regular clients had bought as Christmas presents. It was a brand new year and I was determined to have a brand new outlook to go right along with it. Keeping myself busy was the key. So, my current massage frenzy was more than welcomed.

I’m sure that it comes as no surprise to you that things between my husband and I are still pretty crappy and seemed to be getting worse by the day, but I casually ignored it and let little things roll off my back with a lot more ease now. I refused to let him get under my skin any longer and it was time that the tides were turned in my favor for once.

He sure has noticed the difference in me though. The extra little pep in my step, the sparkle in my eyes. The man swore to high heaven that I was having an affair.

WHATEVER
… I just rolled my eyes and reminded him that that was just his guilty conscience catching up with him
for his shortcomings
.

You see, about a year and a half into our marriage, he had some form of inappropriate relationship with a fellow female co-worker of his. Numerous times, he tried telling me (unsuccessfully) that all they did was kiss, but I knew that was utter bullshit. If he had not left his phone at home by accident one day, I never would have known what kind of douche-bag he truly was. I’d given him chance after chance, after freakin’ chance to come clean, but he preferred to take it to the grave with him.

So being the kind of woman I am, I had to enlighten him to the simple fact that we wouldn’t be getting past that roadblock until he was honest with me and told me the whole story. I wasn’t settling for anything less than that…
I deserved that much!
I want the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.

So, as you’ve probably already guessed, we’ve been stuck in limbo ever since then. I think my husband seriously believes that I will let it go eventually, but anyone that truly knows me can tell you that I’m not really the forgiving kind.

Once that bridge is burnt… expect it to stay burnt the hell up because I can hold a grudge like nobody’s business!

I was a true believer that if you do not have trust… you don’t have anything and
I couldn’t trust his ass
.

Growing up, I witnessed first hand how lying and cheating not only ripped a marriage to shreds, but the entire family suffered from the ill effects as well. I watched helplessly while my mother carved up my father my whole life. For as long as I could remember, he went unappreciated as he fought to win back her attention, but could never quite fully obtain it. It was a cruel game she played with him and over the years, I had grown more and more disgusted by it.

How do you find any kind of pleasure in toying with a person’s emotions like that? At times, I used to beg my dad to leave her, to just walk away and find someone who would love and cherish him the way that he deserved to be.

“
I can’t leave you guys with her because I don’t know what would become of you kids.
” He used to tell me.

Since my mom was Filipino, a part of him was always afraid that she would kidnap us someday out of spite and hide us there where he wouldn’t be able to locate us.

I wouldn’t have put it past her ass either!

She was capable of just about anything and making sure he never saw his children again, would have been the cherry on her sundae.

Therefore, he stayed and suffered everyday for the sake of his kids. He truly was a great man. An honest to God’s definition of what a father should be, but the whole situation still took its toll on me… if it weren’t for my brothers and I, my dad would have walked away a long time ago. It was because of us that he remained married to the wicked witch of this story and even though it was his ultimate decision to stay with her, it didn’t change the fact that I felt guilty about it because it robbed him of any hope of finding true happiness while he was still on this earth.

When my father passed away, my relationship with my mother and older brother became so strained that I ended it as well. It pains me to admit that I lost three members of my family at that time, not just one. Some of the things that they did and said after my father died were unthinkable…
unforgivable
.

My dad’s body wasn’t even cold yet, when she started to pack up and throw away all of his clothes. It never occurred to her that something so little could profoundly cause Joel and I so much pain. She got rid of his stuff as if it was yesterday’s trash just so she could have more closet space.

I simply couldn’t take it anymore. Reaching the end of my rope, I shut both of them out of my world, unable to stand by and watch anymore. Plus, it was better for all parties involved that I remove myself from the equation before I actually choked someone out. All that stress and drama wasn’t healthy for me. They were toxic and I needed to grieve for my father in my own way… SOLO!

So that was exactly what I had done. It is said that time heals all wounds, but I’ll be impressed if any amount of time can diminish the appearance of all my nasty looking scars my upbringing had left in its wake.

However, growing up as dysfunctional as I had, I don’t think that I turned out
all that bad
. It could have been much,
much
worse.

I wasn’t a psycho serial killer or a deranged lunatic. I have never been arrested or even smelled the inside of a police car for that matter. I have never cheated on my husband or my ex-husband, even though I had plenty of opportunity to do such.

Even with a warped sense of love, I didn’t want Karma slapping
me
in the face anymore than she had to. I was far from perfect and I’ve made some seriously bad choices in my lifetime, but I fought really hard with myself everyday to NOT become my mother’s daughter.

I do not smoke, nor do drugs and I hardly ever drink anymore. I was a smart, independent, strong-minded, beautiful woman for crying out loud. So what in the hell is wrong with me?

Why couldn’t I get the
happily ever after
like the fairytales raved about? Why must I be trapped in a loveless marriage, destined to repeat my father’s life?

Because… I’m a CONTROL FREAK. Who is so damn vocal and direct that I scare people, is why!

I was so scarred and damaged that all I saw these days was black and white. There was no such thing as gray in my world anymore. You either accepted and dealt with me exactly as I was or you didn’t… period! Totally guarded, I came complete with a huge brick wall and an extra wide moat that surrounded me on all sides. In addition, I feel that it is absolutely necessary to enlighten you and explain that I am just a tad bit bitter and frigid even though I hate to admit it.