Larkrigg Fell (22 page)

She turned away from him, not yet ready to consider the future. ‘This isn’t the time to make plans, Pietro. Please try to understand.’

‘I think you do not love me,’ he pouted.

‘I do, I swear I do.’ But she could not, would not give in. She settled the argument with an indisputable fact. ‘In any case, we can’t afford a wedding. We have no money.’

‘What you mean, no money?’

‘We’re not rich, you know. We must work and save. This place is costing a fortune to do up, more than I realised it would. And I’ve had this letter ...’

He gave a careless shrug. ‘Poof, what is money? I can get whatever we need. How much would a little wedding cost? Peanuts.’

‘I’m not simply talking about financing a wedding. I’m talking about our future life together. Even the roof still leaks.’

‘You can borrow money for the roof from your family, from Jan or Meg. Then we will be cosy and can marry, yes? My family always help each other. They will help me, yours will help you, sì?’ He reached for her again but Beth pushed him away, very slightly irritated by his inability to comprehend fully how she felt. Her head ached and she wished she could go to bed and someone bring her cocoa for a change.

It was left to Beth alone to visit the bank and sort everything out. She didn’t even ask Tessa for a lift but walked down the lane as far as the Broomdale Inn and caught the bus into town.
 

When she got back to Larkrigg it was to find Tessa packing her bags. ‘What are you doing? You’re not leaving?’

‘I’m taking James to my mother for a bit. See if she remembers who I am.’ Still the same jokey Tess but with a sad edge to the quips. ‘It will be easier to visit Jonty from home. He needs me more than you do now, Beth.’

‘Yes, I can see that.’ Beth sat on the edge of the bed, watching her fold baby clothes and felt suddenly, desperately alone. With Tess gone there’d be only the three of them left.

‘I’m sorry, kiddo,’ she said, reading Beth’s mind. ‘I know he’s entirely unsuitable, and won’t be any better tempered in a wheelchair, but I think I must love the bastard. I’m not going to abandon him now, not when he needs me.’ Her eyes filled with tears and she dashed them angrily away. ‘Not till I’ve given it my best shot.’

‘You’ll come back and see us?’

‘Try and stop me.’ Kisses and hugs and brave words but they both knew that even if she did come back, it wouldn’t be the same. The dream had been tarnished, the innocence savaged. The commune had been Jonty’s crazy idea and for all he’d been difficult to live with, they’d miss his energy about the place, his acerbic comments and dry wit. The game was over.

But then it would probably have ended soon in any case, Beth told herself, remembering all the tensions that had sprung up between them. With Tess beside him perhaps Jonty could find some sort of salvation. ‘He’s a lucky man.’

‘Tell him that.’

‘You’ll write.’

‘Of course.

Beth helped pile her luggage into the small yellow mini. ‘I’ll miss you, Tiger,’ she said, hugging baby James as she tucked him into his car seat. Then she found Pietro in the kitchen drinking coffee, dragged Sarah out of bed and insisted they both come and see Tessa off.

Pietro hugged Tessa and tickled James under the chin, making the child giggle ecstatically.

‘Given up on us, have you?’ Sarah said, shuffling across the yard in dressing gown and slippers, her raven hair flying wild and free in the brisk afternoon breeze. For all her declared grieving and the grubby, uncared for clothes, Sarah looked, as always, absolutely stunning. She could wear a potato sack, Beth thought with a twinge of envy, and still look beautiful. ‘Now that we’ve no money left.’

Tessa flinched at the cruel taunt but turned away and climbed into the driving seat without a word. Sarah’s face remained grim as she closed the door after her.

‘He was only using you, you know. Any woman who’d open her legs was fair game for Jonty. He didn’t love you.’

Tessa turned empty eyes to meet Sarah’s fiery gaze. ‘Nor you.’

‘He’ll use you and hurt you and show not a morsel of gratitude.’

‘I don’t want his gratitude.’

‘You’re a fool.’

‘Maybe he’ll change.’

‘Maybe hell will freeze over.’

Both women faced each other for a long, tension-filled moment and then Sarah smiled coldly. ‘We’re both losers, it seems.’

‘Not me,’ Tessa said, turning to wink at James who gave a shout of laughter and began to kick his fat legs and drum his heels on the seat, oblivious of everything but his own joy at riding in the motor. ‘Depends how you judge success. Come on, cherub, let’s go see Grandma.’

‘Drive carefully. And don’t stay away too long,’ Beth called.

‘Don’t worry, you haven’t seen the last of me yet,’ and the mini coughed into life then drove serenely out of the yard, the painted eagle on the bonnet a defiant blaze of colour.

Beth stayed in the yard until the little car was nothing more than a yellow blob in the dale below, then she shivered as a chill wind struck through her sweater right to the heart of her.
 

The mountains had never looked more bleak and blue with the cold of a coming winter, clouds gathering grey and heavy with the threat of rain.

‘I think we might be in for a storm,’ she said. But she was talking to herself. Pietro and Sarah had back gone into the house long since.

Later that evening as Beth fastened up the hens and checked that the geese and ducks were safe, the wind was even worse. The outhouse roofs rattled ferociously, doors slammed and she was almost knocked from her feet as she ran back and forth, putting abandoned garden tools away, tying dustbin lids down, anything which might be sucked away by the ferocious wind and spewed up miles away across the fells. A house on a ridge was all very well with its panoramic views and clean, fresh air, except in bad weather.

She clung to a dry-stone wall for a moment as she watched black storm clouds foaming about the heads of the mountains, back lit by a translucent blue. It made her feel small and insignificant and she shivered, for the first time apprehensive about the future.

Was she doing the right thing by postponing her marriage to Pietro? She’d no wish to lose him. But would it last? Was it possible to fall in love so quickly and why did she even have these doubts? Why wasn’t she dragging him down the aisle as fast as she could?

She’d certainly behaved with unusual impulsiveness during these last few months. Buying the goat for one thing, which had proved to be a total disaster. Buying hens, ducks and geese which she kept largely as pets and for the few eggs they provided. Still seeking some pastoral dream. Then without heeding anyone’s advice she’d decided on a cow and set off a whole chain of events which had ended in horror.

Now Beth felt that the accident had left her even more unsure of herself, filling her with new insecurities,

Larkrigg would seem so empty without Tess. Beth knew she would miss her, if not Jonty. But however irritating he could be with his odd games and weird sense of humour, she’d never have wished this terrible tragedy on him, never. Nothing would be quite the same ever again.

There were tears rolling down her cheeks, the first she’d cried since the accident. Somehow there hadn’t been time with all the problems to see to. For a long moment she allowed herself the luxury of grief and self-pity and let the sobs come, cupping her face in her hands like a child. If only she could turn back the clock and they could all be happy and carefree and young again.

After a while Beth wiped her wet cheeks with the flat of her hand and lifted her face to the wind, letting it finish the cleansing process. The tears had eased her tension and she felt a little better. No regrets, she decided. The decision is made. We’ll see what life brings.

The rain started and she was obliged to run. Sarah was standing by Pietro at the kitchen range and they moved smoothly apart as Beth entered, shaking water everywhere. Poor Sarah, she thought, seeing the glint of tears in her sister’s eyes. She was suffering badly, and how kind of Pietro to comfort her. Beth kept her voice bright and cheerful as she struggled to close the door against the wind.

‘There’s a real gale blowing up. I hope everything’s battened down properly or we’ll have no poultry left in the morning.’

‘Stop worrying about the bloody poultry. They’ll survive without your fussing,’ Sarah said sharply. ‘We all will.’

‘Shall I make cocoa?’ Beth suggested brightly, as everyone stood about, not quite knowing what to do or say next.

‘For goodness’ sake, not everything can be cured with a cup of cocoa. I’m going to bed.’

When Sarah had gone, slamming the door behind her, Pietro took Beth in his arms. ‘Now that we are alone, you will come to my bed tonight, yes?’

She pushed him away, laughing. ‘No, of course I won’t.’

‘Why not? I need you.’

‘We’ve been through all of this countless times.’

‘Why should we not comfort each other?’

‘There’s Sarah, just a few doors away, grieving for Jonty.’

‘She could have had him, if she’d had half of Tessa’s courage,’ he said, and knowing he was right, Beth felt almost embarrassed for her sister.

‘Sarah is very sensitive,’ she hastily explained, ‘and she doesn’t find it easy to give of herself or deal with difficulties of that nature. I’ve no wish to sound disloyal but I wouldn’t call her a naturally caring person. She finds it hard to show her feelings.’

‘You mean she thinks only of herself.’

‘I mean, she doesn’t have Tessa’s depth of compassion, or that kind of strength. But she has others.’

‘Such as?’

‘Can we leave it please?’ It didn’t seem right to be talking about her twin in this way. It was true that Sarah imagined every difficulty in life was a personal slight against herself. Mom was constantly telling her that it couldn’t be all ice cream and candy. But then she’d managed, more often than not, to prove Mom wrong, somehow getting her own way in most things and doing precisely as she pleased. Sacrificing herself for a permanent invalid was, though, quite beyond her capabilities. Even so, while Beth felt able to criticise Sarah’s weaknesses, she couldn’t bear anyone else to do so.

‘Have you decided yet when we are to marry?’ Pietro was saying as he pulled her close, nuzzling into her neck. Instinctively Beth turned her face away so he only managed to kiss her neck. His arms tightened about her and the kiss became more passionate, leaving her weak with longing, her resolve in grave danger of slipping.

‘You see how I can make you feel any emotion I wish.’

Beth eased him gently away, pushing back her hair with a trembling hand. ‘I dare say you can. But we must be patient. Please.’ Determined to ignore his sulks she persuaded him up the stairs to his own room. ‘We’ll talk about this another time. There’s really no rush.’

On the landing they parted with a last lingering kiss. He could feel her need for him in every tremor of her body and exulted in it. ‘What a waste,’ he said. ‘You will not change your mind?’

‘No.
^,

‘You are too cruel. You like to hurt me.’

‘Go to bed,’ and extricating herself from his arms, escaped laughingly to her room and firmly closed the door.

Curled up in her own warm bed Beth turned her mind deliberately away from Pietro to worry over their financial situation. They seemed to have achieved little. The house had cost far more than they’d expected, and Beth could feel her dream slipping away. She sighed, plumped her pillows and turned over, annoyed with herself for fussing.

The wind moaned and howled about the house like a live thing. She could hear the drip of water into the buckets and bowls that stood about her room. Finally these sounds lulled her to sleep, or else she slept from sheer exhaustion. She dreamed of herself and Pietro, a clutch of children at her knee, living in a beautifully restored Larkrigg Hall. It was all utterly delightful.

Sometime in the night a sound woke her and she padded out on to the landing. What could it have been? Should she go out and check on the animals? Rubbing her eyes she went to Pietro’s door and listened. Was he asleep? Perhaps he would go down with her. It was dark and lonely outside. She lifted her hand to tap gently upon the panel and then stopped. Sarah would accuse her of fussing again. It was only the wind moaning after all. Nothing else. Hugging herself against the cold she hurried back to bed.

‘She’s afraid to take the risk, because of Jeremy. My sister is a born worrier. Afraid of her own shadow at times, our Beth.’

‘I think she neglect me.’ Pietro slid a hand over the length of Sarah’s thigh and sighed. ‘Why cannot she be more like you? Determined and strong,’ and he kissed the corner of Sarah’s mouth where a smile lurked.

‘Bloody selfish and insatiable you mean,’ and the smile burst into a laugh as she pulled him on top of her. ‘Beth hasn’t an ounce of confidence. A dull little waif, no use to you at all. I’ve always been the one to make all the decisions, answer questions for her even, when we were small.’

‘Is that why you and she do not get on? Because you think her so hopeless?’