Last Night at the Blue Angel (27 page)

Rita looks over at me and turns on a faucet, shaking her head.

We're going to be together
, says David.
It's what we both wanted
.

This is not a game. I am not one of your games!
Mother shouts.

David's voice is calm.
I won't have my child raised in a hotel. Surrounded by—

By what?
says Mother.

You're not getting any younger
.
This life you've chosen isn't going to hold up much longer. Let's be realistic
.

And what do you get out of this deal?
she says.

I can't quit you
.
You can't quit me. What else is there?

You want to stop me
, says Mother, her voice quieter now and low.
It's what men do. You STOP us. You fuck us and knock us up and tuck us away so we never become anything. ANYthing
.

Rita rushes toward me, saying,
Baby
,
let's go wait outside
, but just then Mother comes blazing out of the room and runs right into me.

What are you doing here?
she shouts.
WHAT? Why are you always creeping around
,
spying on me? I'm sick of it
,
Sophia. STOP looking at me. Stop watching me. I am NOT your business. Get your own. Leave me alone
,
Sophia
.

She yells so much it seems like it's not going to stop. I back up, into the side of the little stage to try to get out of her way, and can feel the heat of a footlight next to my leg as I watch Mother cross the room and walk out the door. Then the heat seems to hit my skin and I smell something burning. It has burned a hole in my birthday dress.

David comes out and sees me. I am crying now and he's on his knees in front of me lifting the side of my skirt, holding my leg tight.
Jesus
, he says, leaning his face close to my leg.
You're okay
.

My dress
, I say.

Jim opens the outside door and says,
Sophia
,
your mother wants me to take you both home
.

Now, hold on
, says David, letting go of me and walking toward Jim.

Jim moves around him.
Back off
.
Just leave her alone
,
all right?

And where am I supposed to go?
asks David.

I'm sure you'll figure something out. Come on
,
Sophia
. I reach up for him to hug me. He pauses and then puts his arms around me to lift me up off the ground. He holds me like that for a long time, then sets me down carefully and takes both my hands in his.
Let's go
,
kid. You're okay
.

O
utside, Laura and Mother stand close to each other, Mother holding Laura's arm like she does to me when she's mad. Laura gently pulls out of Mother's grip.

This is madness
, says Laura. Then they see us and stop talking and Laura turns away, walking down the street.

Mother calls after her, but Laura doesn't turn around. She just waves her hand above her head.

I
t's quiet in the car on the drive home. Jim smokes and Mother keeps twisting a lock of hair on top of her head like she's fighting it, like it just won't do what she wants.

Who does he think he is?
Mother asks herself.

Jim looks at her and sighs.

What? What do you have to say?
she yells.

How did you think this would go?
says Jim.

Mother crosses her arms. Sometimes I think I can imagine exactly what she was like as a child.

My dress has a hole in it
, I say.
My new dress
.

Mother turns her head to her left like she can't hear me.
What are you talking about?

My dress
, I say.

Yes
,
I heard that. What are you talking about a hole?
she snaps.

I stepped too close to a footlight
,
near that little stage. When you were shouting at me
, I add. My heart pounds.
And my leg stings
.

You were shouting at Sophia?
asks Jim.

I was not
.

Then why would she say that?

She's making it up. She's always making things up
.

I am not!
I say.

She says,
If I lost my temper
,
you deserved it
.

I didn't even do anything
, I shout back.

Mother says calmly,
No you didn't
,
darling. You never do anything. You just follow me around
,
lurking. You have no initiative
,
no passion. I cannot believe you're my daughter sometimes
,
you know that? You're like him. That's the real trouble. You're just like your father. You do not understand me
.

Jim jerks the car to the side of the road and puts it in park.
Stop it! Stop it right now
,
Naomi
,
so help me God
. He grabs her face and they are nose to nose.
If you EVER talk to her like that again
,
so help me God!
He lets go of her and Mother stares, stunned.

She watches him long after he puts his hands back on the wheel and begins to drive home, just sitting there studying the side of his face. I put my Heathkit and my book on my lap, hold them and start to cry so hard my whole body shakes. Jim reaches his arm back to touch me but I strike it away. I curl up on the seat and don't even try to stop it.

Jim stops the car in front of the hotel and turns around.
Sophia
,
my girl. It's okay
.

Mother reaches for me, too.

You get out
, says Jim.
Leave us
.

But—

Leave us
.

I hide my face in my arm and hear her get out of the car.

Jim rests his hand on my head and sighs.
I wish I could fix all this
.

I don't want to move
. I try to breathe so I can talk.
I don't know how to swim! I don't know how to ride a bike!
I sit up.
I don't want to go there!

Hey. I don't think it's going to happen. I really don't
.

You don't know. I could live with you. I could help you in the bathroom
.

It's a darkroom
, he says.

Yes
,
but it's also a bathroom
.

I'm going to take you up now so you can go to bed. Things will look different in the morning
.

Mother is waiting for us on the sidewalk. We all three walk into the hotel slowly, carefully moving, walking like our bodies and the street and the sidewalk and the building are all suddenly breakable.

When we get inside the apartment Mother gets on her knees and hugs me.
I am so sorry
,
kitten. I am so
,
so sorry
.

It's okay
, I tell her. I touch her hair. It's messed up and soft.

Come on
, says Jim,
let's get you to bed
.

Don't make me. I don't want to be alone. Please let me stay out here
.

Anything
, says Mother. She grabs a blanket from the back of the davenport, spreads it out, and waves me over. I get under the blanket and suddenly feel so tired.

Good night
,
then
, says Jim.

No
, says Mother, grabbing his arm.
Please stay. We need to talk
.

He shakes his head and says, gently,
I've really had enough of you tonight. I really have
.

Ten minutes
, she says.
Please
,
Jimmy. Sit with me
. She walks over to the settee. He follows.

I'm sorry about how I talked to her
, she says.

You'll have to take that up with Sophia
.

You know what my first thought was tonight
,
when I opened that box? My first thought was you. My thought was
,
I cannot live without my Jim. I will not
.

I open my eyes then. Jim's looking at the floor. Mother leans forward so she can rest her hands on his legs.

She takes a deep breath.
I have taken you for granted. All these years. I haven't seen you clearly. But I do now. I do
.

He shakes his head.
I don't know
.

Give me another chance. I can be better
.

He puts his hands on her hands.
You live in fantasies. Can you see that? It's good to have aspirations. It's swell. Hell
,
I got them
,
too
,
but this is what's real. Her
,
me
,
us
.

The phone rings.

Don't
, says Jim.

She shakes her head and answers it. Listens.
Yes
,
we are
, she says.
We are done. No. I will call you
. She hangs up carefully.

I close my eyes and turn around so I'm facing the back of the davenport.
Please
,
God and the angels and saints
,
please let us all be normal again. Please don't make me move to the suburbs. Please don't let anybody drop a bomb on us. I will be good. I will be good. I will be good
.

W
hen I wake up in the middle of the night, I go to the kitchen to get a drink of water and I hear Mother crying softly in her room. Light little sobs. The way you cry when nobody is there to hear you.

I open her bedroom door quietly in case she's crying in her sleep. She and Jim are sitting on the bed, naked, sweaty; her legs are wrapped around him and she is crying. He is holding her hair in his fist and kissing her neck. I close the door and go back to my room.

Lying awake, I look at the ceiling and think: If only my brain were bigger. If I had a big brain like Sister Eye or Mr. LaFontaine, I would know what to think, how I'm supposed to feel. I squeeze my eyes and try to make my brain bigger. Nothing happens. I don't know what is going to happen next. There is no way of knowing that.

Naomi

CHAPTER 34

KANSAS CITY TO CHICAGO, 1955

I
N THAT LITTLE
apartment above the club, I fell for David, despite all my good reasons to steer clear of him, that I still loved Laura, that Caroline was his girl, that he was my boss. But all that closeness—in the club, the apartment, all the time brushing past each other, sharing a sandwich, catching each other's eyes, smells—it was more than I could withstand. Day after day I put all my steam into my job, cleaned the Sam Hill out of the club with the radio turned up.

One hot afternoon Nat King Cole was on the radio, his voice butter melting on a hotcake. I cleaned and I sang along.
“The world is mine. It can be yours
,
my friend. So why don't you pretend?”
Suddenly I realized that Elaine was behind the bar, turning off the radio, and David was standing in the door with his arms folded.

Was that too loud?
I asked, embarrassed.

Do that again
, said Elaine.

What?

Sing a phrase of that song
, she said.

I looked at David.

Forget him
.
Look at me and sing for me. Stand up
.

I didn't want to say no to Elaine, so I stood up and sang a sentence.

More
.
The whole refrain
.

I sang the whole refrain.

Now like this room is full and your life depends on it
, she said.

I dropped my scrub brush by my feet and felt damp all over, sweat even in my eyes. So I opened my mouth and filled the whole goddamned room with my voice.

Elaine sighed.
Well
,
I'll be
.

How'd you learn to sing like that?
asked David.

Sister Idalia. Records. Elaine
, I added, though quietly.

Let's go buy that dress
, said David.

Elaine looked confused,
What dress? The two of you?
she said, her arm dropping to her side like it had been shot.
I'd like to see what sort of frock the two of YOU pick out
.

D
avid drove to Giddy Mary's Boutique. It was cool and quiet inside.

Mary looked from him to me and said,
What can I do you for?

A dress
, I said.
Grown-up
.
Pretty
.

She took my measurements and brought me several to choose from. In the little room with three mirrors, I noticed how different dresses produced different effects. I looked back and forth at the three versions of me and it occurred to me that I could watch my life from an angle, like it wasn't mine, just watch and see what happens. I put the blue dress back on.

You already tried that one
, said Mary.

I know that
.

It's a bit . . . provocative
, she said.

Is that a problem?

Well
,
no
,
not exactly
, said Mary.
It's a matter of appropriateness
.

But it's your dress
.
Do you carry inappropriate dresses?

Of course not
, said Mary.
It's just
. . .

I settled on the blue one.

Don't you want to ask Mr. Miller's opinion?

No
,
I do not
, I told her.

David stepped up to the counter to pay and I stopped him. He looked at my envelope of money.
Hey
,
where'd all that come from?

Don't worry. It's not yours. I don't steal
. I saw in his face that he didn't believe me. I saw what he thought I was.

Well
,
where'd it come from?

It's your father's
,
actually. Your father paid me to leave Laura alone
,
to leave Soldier altogether and never come back. “You little cunt.” To quote him
.

David took a sudden breath and Giddy Mary gasped behind the counter.