Last of the Summer Tomatoes (13 page)

Ten

K
YLE
couldn’t look at anyone the next morning; breakfast didn’t have any taste. He quickly finished enough to keep him going, then excused himself to the barn. Once there, once among the quiet cows, he was lost with his thoughts again.

He was down on his knees fixing a twisted hose when a shadow came over him and a hand on his shoulder. He jumped up.

“Whoa there, didn’t mean to scare you.”

“I… trying to fix the hose.” Kyle got back on the ground, trying to make it look like he needed to spend time with the hose. He didn’t know what to say to Sam.

“You okay?”

“Fine, thanks.”

“You don’t seem fine.”

“I am.” Kyle had to stand up eventually, and the hose had been unkinked for quite some time. He placed his hand on the cow and pretended to take a lot of interest in the milking machine.

“You want to talk about yesterday?”

“Nothing to talk about.”

“Did I misread something? Were you just curious? Or was it the cow thing?” Sam came around to the other side of the cow. “It’s okay, you know. I don’t mind.”

“No… it’s…. It’s not the cow, just a little embarrassed about tossing my cookies, but….” Kyle looked to the other side of the barn, not daring to look at Sam. “It’s not right.”

“What isn’t right?”

“What we did.” Kyle could hear Sam take in a deep breath.

“Did it feel wrong?”

“No.”

“Where’s this coming from?” Sam carefully walked around the cow, placing his hand on its back so he wouldn’t startle it. He reached for Kyle’s hand. “If you don’t like me, I can deal. I’m not everyone’s dream.”

Kyle felt the all-to-familiar blush hit his face. He looked at Sam’s hand over his. “It’s not… no. I… Hank said….”

Sam let out what Kyle could only think of as a growl. “Hank is
not
an authority on this. What he said, whatever it was, is not the truth.”

“I guess I’m having a hard time separating what I feel with what he said.”

“What exactly did he say?”

“I… I don’t want to use his language, but the gist of it is that gays are unnatural and deserve to die.”

“You know that’s not true.”

Kyle shrugged. “My head is having a hard time not hearing his voice. I can… the last time he said anything, I took the lesson to heart.”

“He beat you, didn’t he?”

“He made sure I got his message.”

Sam moved closer, placing his arm around Kyle’s shoulders. “Hank is wrong, very wrong. He’s the worse there is, an abusive homophobe.” Sam placed a chaste kiss on Kyle’s temple. “Please, try to put Hank’s words behind you. You… you still like me a little?”

Kyle gave him a shy smile. “I… I do.”

“Do you trust me?”

Kyle stiffened. He had never trusted another person other than Billy his entire life. “I… I guess so.”

“I told you, I wasn’t going to tell my parents anything until you felt more comfortable. Until then, will you let me show you that what you feel is normal, that you can feel good about yourself, feel good about liking someone else?”

Kyle looked up at him. “I… I’d like that. I… I like you.”

“And I like you. What we did yesterday, at the creek, you okay with that? You okay with me holding you like this? I can back off, give you the space you need….”

“No….” Kyle blurted it out a little too quickly. “I mean, um, I enjoy it…. I didn’t think I would, but yeah, I….” Kyle looked down. “I’m being stupid.”

“Kyle, look at me.” Kyle glanced up without moving his head. “No, come on, look at me.” Kyle moved his head a little. “Nothing you could say or want will ever be stupid to me. It’s going to take time for you to feel good in your own skin. Believe me, my own coming out wasn’t a piece of cake.”

The machine buzzed, making Kyle turn around to attend to the cow. “Damn, I got out of sequence.”

“It’s okay. A few minutes off won’t disturb them. I’ll help. We’ll talk more after we finish, okay?”

Kyle swallowed and nodded. “I don’t want to screw this up.”

“You aren’t. You are catching on, dealing with this new lifestyle so easily.”

“I wouldn’t say easily. I still hear Hank in my head….”

Sam gave a little laugh. “No, not about that. We’ll talk. I mean the farming lifestyle. It’s like you have a connection with the animals.”

“Oh, I… yeah, I like them. Was a little afraid of them at first. They are big, but Walt, he showed me they weren’t dangerous or anything.” He turned another cow out, Sam herding another one in. They worked in tandem for the next hour or so, getting through all of them.

“Another day, another round of cows. At least it’s not like back before the machines… we’d still be milking the first round of ten.” Sam closed the barn doors and started the filtering process.

“I still haven’t quite got the hang of hand milking. Not like your dad.”

Sam grinned. “Well, Pops has been doing this a lot longer.” He tilted his head. “You wanna go for a ride before we pick veggies for Mom? She says the peas are ready, along with some early squash.”

“Sure.” They headed toward the horse barn and saddled up.

“There’s a trail up along the ridge. You wanna check it out? The creek runs along the bottom of it.”

“Sounds good.” Kyle swung up into the saddle, taking off after Sam like he’d been riding for years.

They rode in silence for a while, taking in the scenery until they got to the highest point of the ridge. From there they could see the entire farm.

“Wow, you… you can see almost everything.”

Sam pointed to the east. “That ridge there is the eastern border of Pops’ farm. You can’t see the western edge from here; we are on the northern edge. The creek wanders through the valley to create the southern border.”

“It’s huge.”

“About 250 acres, mostly pasture, some woods.”

Silence overcame them once more. A hawk screeched, a deer bolted from the brush. Kyle kept his gaze toward the farm and not toward Sam. “Did you…. You came out to your parents when you were in high school?”

“I knew I was different from a very young age. Hitting puberty and still not liking girls very much told me all I needed to know. I think my parents knew something was up, but I didn’t vocalize it until I was fifteen.”

“And you weren’t afraid they’d kick you out or hate you?”

“Kyle, you know my parents. Yeah, I had some thoughts they might show some disappointment, or even not allow me to, well, date or something so they didn’t have to ‘see’ that I was different, but I knew they loved me and still do. It took them some time to understand, to adjust, but in the end, they treated me the same. My senior year I had a boyfriend who’d come over for dinner sometimes.”

“How did it work out for you at school?” Kyle ventured a look over to Sam.

Sam shrugged. “I’m not going to sugarcoat it, it was hard. I got stares, I got called names. It’s a small school, some very narrow-minded people in the community. Once I came out, there were two others who did. Of course, being a star athlete helped me out a lot. After winning the championship my junior year, it got easier. They saw me for who I was, a pretty good ball player and not the dude who was gay. Didn’t flaunt anything, obviously, but at least the name-calling stopped. Figured once I got to college, things would change, and they did. I can be more open there.”

“And you had… or have a boyfriend there?”

Sam gave Kyle a hard look. “I
had
a boyfriend. I wouldn’t have kissed you back if he was still in the picture. I don’t do casual. I date one at a time.”

Kyle looked down. “Sorry. I… I’ve never dated. I don’t know… we… dating?”

Sam softened his look. “No, it’s me that should be sorry. I… I keep forgetting you come from a vastly different background than me. As for us… do you want to ‘date’?”

“What… what all does that mean?”

“We get to know each other, go out to dinner, a movie or something. Spend time together. Make out.”

Kyle swallowed. “I was kinda with you there until you said ‘make out’. I don’t… I’ve never….”

“Did you like kissing?”

“Um, yeah.”

“We can do that. That’s considered making out. We don’t have to do anything you’re not comfortable with.”

“I… I don’t know anything else.”

“You want to learn?”

“Learn?”

“First, you have to let yourself feel. And I mean the good stuff. You… you’ve probably never let yourself feel good very often, have you?”

Kyle felt the blush reach his ears. “I… a little. I… I didn’t want Hank… the walls are pretty thin where I live. But sometimes, yeah, I… would daydream.”

“Did it make you feel good?”

“Not really. I felt… empty.”

Sam nudged Mike over so they were side by side. He turned as much as he could in the saddle and touched Kyle’s cheek. “I guess you really haven’t had much to feel good about. But I’d like to change that. Even if all we do is kiss.”

“You’d… you’d do that?”

“Why does it surprise you that people do things for you?”

“Because no one ever has. I’ve had to do things for myself.”

Sam took his hand away, then leaned in to give Kyle a quick kiss. “Let me do this for you. Let me show you what caring about someone really means.”

“I… I want to know something first.”

“What?”

“If I wasn’t here… am I just… convenient?”

Sam’s eyes grew wide. “Convenient?”

“I haven’t been wanted for a long time, but I don’t want this if it’s just because I’m the only gay guy around. I don’t think I could handle that….”

“Kyle… I’m so sorry for what Hank has done to you, what life has done to you. But I need you to understand this, let me make this perfectly clear. Being gay doesn’t mean I hit on another person because they are convenient. I am capable of being just friends with members of both sexes. And if I wasn’t attracted to you, I’d tell you. I wouldn’t have kissed you otherwise. I find you very attractive. I’m attracted to your talents, your sensibilities. About how much you care. You could have turned out so differently. A lot of abused kids turn abusive themselves. Try to take out their own hurt on others.”

“I… I could never do that.”

“Do you like me because I’m convenient?”

“No… I like you because I… I’ve liked you for a long time.”

“Huh?”

“I… hell.”

“Kyle Jackowski, did you just swear?” Sam sounded surprised.

“You promise not to laugh?”

“Of course.”

“I had a dream about… you.”

“Okay, that’s natural. I don’t usually remember mine, but I’ve probably dreamt about you.”

“No, I mean… I dreamed about you last spring.”

“Last… spring?”

“I can’t explain it. But you were in my dream last spring. I… I drew you from the memory. That’s why… when I first saw you, I couldn’t process it. I couldn’t deal with seeing the person from my dream in real life.”

“I hope it was a good dream.”

Kyle hung his head. “It was. It…. I wanted to dream about it again and again, but it never happened.”

“Well, I’m glad it was a good dream, then. Maybe we can make the dream a reality one day.”

“I think… I’d like that. There was only one difference, though.”

“What was that?”

“You had blue eyes, not green.”

Sam’s face went pale.

“What did I say?”

“My twin sister, Kristina, has blue eyes.”

“I… I didn’t know. There are only a few pictures of her around, and I… I never noticed her eye color. What… what happened?”

Sam looked off to the distance. “It’s a long story and… just know I hope one day she and our parents can reconcile. I keep in contact with her.”

“I… I didn’t mean to pry.”

“I promise, I’ll tell you the entire story one day. We should head back, get to those vegetables. The greenhouse is almost done. Mom will want us to plant some seeds soon.” Sam leaned in for one more kiss. “When you’re ready to tell my parents, let me know. But please don’t think it’s a dirty little secret. I know they’d be understanding, and I know they’d be happy for us.”

“Just a little time. I promise, I do want them to know, but… I need to work on this Hank-voice in my head. And… I… they may not want someone who works for them involved with their son, right?”

“Why would you say that?”

“I’m a… I got into trouble and was sent here. Not quite the boyfriend material there.”

“What exactly did you do? I know it was a nonviolent crime for you to be in the rehab program.”

“Actually… well, it was a broken window, and someone got hurt, kinda.”

“Kinda?”

“I didn’t do it.”

“What, they railroaded you? Convicted without evidence? You know, we can get you a lawyer….”

“No, I confessed.”

“Huh?”

Kyle took a deep breath. “My best friend Billy… he’s a little slow. He thought the glass at a store was shatterproof and wanted to find out. He hasn’t been dealt the best of hands in life, and well… I took the blame. Figured my record could take it without getting me into too much trouble. I didn’t really think it through, though… if they had sent me to juvie, I might have lost my scholarship.”

“You had a record before the vandalism?”