Last Resort (40 page)

"Yes, I know,"

she said defiantly.

"So there's nothing you can tell me'

"You know!"

he seethed. Then, Jesus Christ, how can you be such a god-damned fool? Don't you realize the position he's putting you in? You're harbouring a criminal, Penny! He's wanted by the United States Government for drug offences the like of which you can't even begin to imagine."

"Well that's just where you're wrong, David Villers. I know what he's done. I know everything there is to know about Christian Mureau. And you, just because you've heard a few stories here and there, jump to conclusions that'

"I don't believe I'm hearing this,"

he seethed.

"Are you blind, or are you just plain fucking stupid? We're talking about drugs, Penny. Drugs. You've heard of them, I suppose? You know what they are?

They kill people, Penny."

Tou can leave out the sarcasm/ she spat.

"Of course I know what they are. But it was only marijuana and that doesn't harm anyone."

David's eyes closed as he slapped a hand to his forehead. Tou can't seriously believe that/ he said, struggling to get his temper back in control.

"You're not

307

seriously sitting there telling me that you believe a man who's made the kind of money Mureau's made has done it through a few dumb suckers spacing out on pot?"

Tes, I do believe it/ she cried.

"He's not what you think he is. He's never dealt in other drugs and he's only ever sold to people who want it and know how to use it."

The words sounded naive even to her, but why not say them when she knew them to be true?

"Christ, Penny,"

he raged.

"Don't you know anything? Don't you read the papers? He's not some kind of hero and neither is he a dealer only in marijuana. The man's a gangster, Penny. A gangster who ran an operation that netted him more than a hundred million dollars and I for one don't even want to think about how many lives he put in danger, or how many might even have lost their lives because of him.

No! No!"

he shouted as she tried to speak. T don't care what he's told you. All I care about is that you get out of this nowV

Penny's nostrils flared her indignance but it was a while before she spoke.

When she did, her hands were pressed tightly together and her eyes were a steely morass of resentment.

"You can believe whatever you want to believe about Christian Mureau,"

she told him,

"it makes no difference to me. But let me tell you this, David: I've met him, I know what kind of man he is and I, just like anyone else, am perfectly aware of how the press can distort things when they want to. So I don't blame you for what you think. I'm just surprised that you of all people could be so easily taken in."

David was shaking his head and looking at her as though the extent of his incredulity was exceeded only by his bitter disappointment. But there was more

- she could sense it so acutely that it might have been she who was feeling the pain that was clouding his eyes.

"It's not me who's being taken in/ he said,

"it's you."

He gave a mirthless laugh.

"Brainwashed, more like. Shit, how can you, of all people, be so gullible?"

308

Penny looked away as the uncomfortable memory of Henry Miller's words flashed through her mind.

"Look, Pen/ he said, putting his hands on her desk and leaning over her,

"if it were any other man I'd tell you to get on with it. I might not like it, but I'd be the last one to stand in your way. But, take it from me, Mureau isn't the man you think he is. You're a decent woman, Penny, with morals, scruples, all those things that decent people have. So why are you doing this to yourself? You know it can't go anywhere. They'll catch up with him in the end, and where's that going to leave you?"

Penny's face was stony as she kept her eyes fixed on the wall beside her.

"I love him,"

she said, almost wincing at what even to her sounded trite. Then, clearing her throat, she added:

"And I don't care what you say, David, he's not the man you think he is. If you'd met him, you'd know."

David's head fell forward as the nightmare of the past few years of his life swamped him. If only she knew, if only he could tell her. Maybe he should, but he knew what he was up against with Mureau and he was afraid that even if he did tell her it wouldn't make any difference.

"Anyway,"

she went on in a small voice,

"what is it to you what I do?"

Lifting his head he looked down at the confusion in her eyes and felt his throat constrict.

"You just don't get this, do you?"

he said hoarsely. Tou don't get it at all. I care about you, Penny. I care what happens to you. I care what that man might do to you, to your future."

As Penny inhaled, her breath was shaken by an involuntary sob. T'm not going to stop seeing him,"

she said defiantly. Then her eyes opened wide as the pain that seemed to cross his face pressed a quiet shock into her heart.

"But thank you for caring,"

she whispered.

"It's not your thanks I want,"

he answered gruffly.

"It's

309

your promise that you'll call this to a halt."

Penny was shaking her head.

"I can't give it/ she said.

"I don't know how much time we have left together ..."

"And when they do pick him up, assuming they don't pick you up too, what are you going to do then?"

Penny lowered her eyes.

"Oh Christ, Penny,"

he laughed harshly,

"please don't tell me you're intending to wait. You've got your whole life ahead of you, you can't waste it that way. And did it ever occur to you that if he really loved you he wouldn't want you to?"

"He hasn't asked me to,"

she countered, as embarrassed now as she was desperate for this conversation to end.

"I never dreamt you were this capable of romanticizing a situation,"

he said, a note of anger creeping back into his voice.

"It's like you've taken time out from the real world. Christian Mureau is a wanted man. He's a criminal, Penny. For God's sake, don't let him turn you into one too."

"I have no intention of ever dealing in drugs,"

she responded hotly.

"You know what I mean. Penny, look at me. Look at me and tell me that in your heart you believe he loves you."

As Penny's wide eyes came up to his the echo of Christian's parting words on the telephone was ringing in her ears.

"I know he loves me,"

she said.

"And I know it's hurting him as much as it's hurting me. So, David, please don't spoil what we have left together. I'll take the consequences, whatever they might be ..."

Banging a hand on the desk, David turned and walked to the window. There was so much more he wanted to say as he stood there gazing out at the passing traffic, things that made him want to get hold of her and shake her with all the frustration he had locked inside. But he knew already that he'd handled this badly, that he

310

hadn't given himself enough time to think it through before storming in here and telling her how to run her life. But Jesus Christ, Christian Mureau! How the hell could this be happening again?

Seeing him standing there looking so tired and so heartbreakingly defeated was having an unsettling effect on Penny. She wasn't used to seeing him this way; he was always so in control of himself and any situation he was in. She thought of last night and wondered what it had all been about. Now didn't seem the time to ask, for she was sure it was that, as much as her relationship with Mureau, that was causing him to appear so agitated and ... well, yes, powerless. Once again she felt that puzzling desire to reach out to him, to help him through whatever was going on in his life. But how could she when it meant making a choice between him and Christian?

"Would you prefer it if I handed in my notice?"

she asked quietly.

He gave no response and after a while Penny got to her feet and walked over to him.

"I'm sorry/ she whispered.

"I don't know what else to say, except I'm sorry."

He turned to look at her, his dark, blue eyes filled with a heavy emotion.

Then silently he reached out for her, drawing her into his arms and holding her close.

This is hard for me, Penny,"

he said after a while.

"I just wish you knew how hard."

Pulling back to look into his eyes, she said,

"Don't let it come between us, David."

His answering smile was one of resignation and incomprehension. His mouth was so close to hers it seemed the most natural thing in the world to touch it with her own.

"I know you don't understand,"

she said softly after she'd kissed him,

"and I only wish I could explain it. But it's like something inside me belongs to him and for better, for worse, and because there is no doubt in my mind 311

that we love each other I'm going to go on seeing him."

After a while David started to nod slowly and as she laid her head back on his shoulder he tightened his arms around her, saying,

"I just wish you knew what you were really doing."

312

Chapter 16

Even as Penny boarded the train she knew that it was going to take much longer than the journey time to Lake Garda to free herself from the terrible confusion and even foreboding that had taken a hold on her since that morning with David in her office. Of course she understood why he thought she was crazy: hadn't she always known that anyone she told would think that way?

Except she hadn't told David, someone else had. But what did it matter who?

The fact was he knew and it hurt so much to be doing this to him. She wondered why it hurt like it did, or why it should matter to him so much, but she had no answers. She hadn't told him where she was going now, but of course he'd have guessed that it was to see Christian. Just as he'd have guessed that the reason she didn't want anyone staying with her in the house was in case Christian turned up.

Finding an empty seat beside the window, she dropped her holdall between her feet and, slipping off her coat, she sat down with a heavy sigh. Prepared as she was to let her relationship with Christian horn her life upside down, to know that it was doing the same to David's disturbed her as much as it baffled her. She was sure there was something he wasn't telling her, that there was more to his aversion to Christian than the fact that Christian was a wanted man. She'd even wondered if David actually knew Christian, if maybe their paths

313

had crossed before. But if they had, why hadn't David said so? And the night Christian had listened to David's voice on the answerphone he hadn't seemed to know who David was. Then she remembered, with a sudden stab of unease, that he had been absurdly jealous at the way David had spoken to her. So maybe they did know each other; maybe there was a history between them that neither man wanted to admit to. It made her head spin just to think of it, for though the connection could be as simple as David purchasing marijuana from Christian there was always the chance that it went much deeper and was much more sinister.

Her eyes suddenly widened and her blood turned slowly to ice as she remembered Esther Delaney talking about another boss. Could it be David? But no, that was crazy, she could never imagine David doing anything to put himself in the kind of position Christian was in. And if he had, then why was he free to come and go in a way that Christian wasn't? But what about his unexplained disappearances, those times when she had no idea where he was or how to reach him?

Closing her eyes, she covered her face with her hands and tried to recall everything David had said that morning in the office. But through the monontous chant of the train the only words that seemed to stand out with any clarity now were those he had used when he'd told her he cared about her. She cared for him too, but was there more to his feelings than he was telling her?

Was that why he didn't want her to go on seeing Christian? There was a time when the very suggestion would have made her laugh for the absurdity of it, but now it simply made her feel unbearably sad and disloyal.

What was going on? she sighed anxiously. Why wouldn't anyone tell her what she needed to know? She would ask Christian when she saw him, but for the moment uppermost in her mind was the fact that she didn't want this to come between her and David. But

314

wasn't it already too late for that? It had come between them and, if she were honest with herself, the thought of losing David was frightening her. She didn't know why it should frighten her, except lately almost everything did.

The night before, Esther Delaney, in one of her motherly moods, had helped her try to rationalize her fear, explaining that living life on the edge was bound to take its toll. Christian had had plenty of practice and when Penny was with him she would find herself much more able to cope than when she wasn't. Which was another reason, Esther had gone on, why she should spend as much time with him as she could. David had been in love before, she'd said: he would know what it was like, wanting someone so much you couldn't think about anything else, feeling terrified the whole time that something was going to go wrong.

And for Penny and Christian those feelings were doubly felt because of the situation Christian was in. Which was something else David would understand, even though he might not like.

"He's really very much in love with you, dear,"

Esther had told her,

"and it's as difficult for him as it is for you."

"I thought we were talking about David,"

Penny said.

The old lady smiled fondly.

"No, Christian,"

she said.

Turning to look out at the passing scenery, Penny pulled a cigarette from the packet she'd bought at the station. She lit it, but within seconds she'd stubbed it out. Nothing felt right any more. In truth it all felt horribly wrong, and for a moment she couldn't understand why she was sitting here on this train. But then the thought of Christian and the intensity of what they had shared, of what they already meant to each other, seemed to break through her fears like a comforting light flaring in a world of darkness and doubt.