Lay It Down: Bastards MC Series Boxed Set (64 page)

She sighed and turned her attention to something out my window. “What was in the envelope, Matty? What was so horrible that you couldn’t tell me last summer?”

And there it was. The question that, when answered, would have her telling me to get the hell away from her. And demanding I stay away.

I swallowed. “Jo.” I had to look away. I didn’t have the balls to look her in the eye right then. “I don’t know who Billy paid to find all that shit, but whoever did it was pretty fuckin’ thorough. My juvie records, things I thought were sealed—it was all in there.”

And Providence. I couldn’t bring myself to say the words, knowing it would be the end of us. So I told her what I could, what I’d told almost everyone else who knew. I pulled my hand away from hers and sat back in my seat. “A few years back, a job went south. Tank, Bear, and I walked into it before anyone else, thinking we were going to bust up a sick fuck and take his stepdaughter home to her mom and real dad. Wiz had tracked this pig down, and we were the closest. We should have waited for our brothers, but we wanted to get it over with and get home. We weren’t prepared for what we found.”

No. Not prepared at all, although nothing could have gotten us ready for that. Young women and teenaged girls, some as young as thirteen, being held in dog kennels and used in the most horrific ways. If I closed my eyes, I could still see the fear in their eyes and smell burning flesh and the horrifying conditions. Tank had told me that he still had nightmares too, and would spend hours replaying the scene in his mind. Bear had just been a prospect, and he never talked about it; it was as if he couldn’t tolerate what had happened, so he blocked it. Could we have done more? Yes. I wished I could go back and redo that day. But we couldn’t, and I’d be damned if Scott Dyer took one more thing from me.

I looked back at Jo, hoping she’d understand what I was about to say. “I’m not ready to talk about it yet. I may never be ready. I became someone else that night. We did what we had to do. I push it away because I don't want to think about it. I didn’t know evidence even existed, but the day I opened that envelope, it all came flooding back.” I stopped, not sure what else to say.

I'd been terrified, seeing the proof all over my sunroom floor. Pictures that would not only put me away for life but would make anyone who mattered to me a target. I'd found the packet the day after Ellie's attack, and with those visuals fresh in my mind, the fact that someone had connected me to Dyer and had also been watching and taking pictures of Jo and me over the last few weeks was just too much. In that moment, I’d thought someone was coming after me, and the only way to protect Jo was to push her away. Wrong move. I'd panicked for nothing; we'd never been able to link Ellie's attack to Providence.

Jo didn’t turn and jump out of the car. Instead her eyes glistened in understanding, and she pulled my hand back between both of hers and squeezed it. Tightly. "Okay." Meeting my eyes, she gave me a small smile. “The names? Hawk, Bear, Tiny, Tank. Rocker. Where did they come from?”

I took a deep breath. She was changing the subject, turning to something light; for that, I was grateful. Leaning forward, I whispered, “Promise you won’t tell?”

She nodded.

“They’re actually nicknames that just stuck. Dean, for instance, is insane. He rides like a mad man and does total James Dean shit. So, Dean. Ian’s the tamest guy in the room unless you fuck with him. Then he’ll tear you to pieces. Like a grizzly bear. Jeremy never misses his target, so I called him Hawk Eye. It became Hawk over the years. Tiny’s Tiny, ‘cause, well, he is anything but. Tank will plow through anything and seriously fuck shit up. Rob always rocks the boat. Preach sees the good in others and prays for our souls. Neo, if you see him fight, you’ll see has serious kickass reflexes. Watching him is like watching
The Matrix
. And me—”

“Yeah, no.” A smile tugged on her lips as she shook her head, interrupting. “I already know that one.”

I smirked, trying to cover my laugh. “What’s wrong? The fact that you’re engaged to God’s gift is a little hard to handle?”

Her smile faded instantly, and her grip lessened. I knew I’d said something wrong.

“Why is Taylor still wearing your engagement ring, Matty?”

Chapter 29

Jo

I immediately regretted opening my mouth.

Matty had finally gotten his signature smirk back, and we were joking, then I opened my big fat mouth. Same problem I’d had all my life—open mouth, insert foot. When we pulled into the park, I’d known he was going to finally open up to me. God knew the talk was long overdue, and I’d been mentally filing away questions I wanted to ask for the last few weeks. Some had been in the back of my mind for months.

When he started talking, all I felt was relief. I wasn’t an idiot; I’d figured out the Bastards were more than what I’d been told. There were signs—some blatantly obvious, like the ones hanging in the clubhouse saying that Bastards didn’t forgive—and some were more subtle, like the fact that after the boys went on their ride a few weeks ago, a woman who had abused her child just happened to walk up to a sheriff and turn herself in the day they came home. Maybe I was playing connect-the-dots with random events, but it all seemed to fit. Add in Rob trying to get the best defense attorney in the state to take the club on as a client though, and it seemed like even the blind would see the trail.

I wanted to think that I’d overlooked all of it because I was so caught up in my drama of Matty, but it was really so much more. The truth was that Matty wasn’t the only Bastard I loved. Rob—even though he was moody, gruff, and took his role as the president way too seriously—had quickly become one of my favorite people, even with his tendency to talk down to me. Ian was a great kid who I felt connected to on various levels, and part of me wanted to hug him and ruffle his hair the way a mom would. Tank made me laugh. Hawk always greeted me with a hug and a sexually inappropriate conversation that would make most people blush, but our banter suited us. The men who made up this club were kind and loyal. And good. The club’s thoughts about women annoyed me, but my feelings about the members easily made me turn a blind eye to what I’d known all along.

As Matty talked, I learned more about each one of them, and my suspicions about the club became fact. It was one thing to think I knew something; it was a beast of another color to actually know it. I didn’t want to have the image of Matty hurting people, of him taking a life that wasn’t his to take. I didn’t want to think about my friends being the judge, jury, and executioner.

I’d spent the last decade of my life doing casework. Matty was right—I’d seen the worst of the worst. Kids who were destroyed because their parents were selfish assholes. And yes, there were times I’d wished for a different sort of justice for some parents. I had always believed in the system though. The one that teaches us that bad people do bad things and that if you do something wrong, you go to jail.

Life was never black and white though. Sometimes bad things happened to good people. Child abuse was just one example of that. So to combat that, this group of burly men did what they could. Sometimes good people did bad things for the right reason. If they'd maimed or killed to help save or protect an innocent, I couldn't blame them.

I felt the anguish rolling off Matty as he talked. He wasn’t bragging about the things he’d done, and he sure as hell wasn’t enjoying talking about it. It was painful to watch, and I wanted to take all the hurt away from him. When he was finally done, I asked questions that I thought were neutral.

When he’d started to talk about the packet Will had given me, he bit his lip, ran his hands through his hair, and turned away from me. He whispered just one word, and I didn’t think he even knew he’d said anything.

“Providence.” It had come out as a wistful breath.

I’d heard the boys talk about it before. Last summer, Tiny had mentioned that Matty was angry, “Providence angry.” Whatever had happened in Rhode Island was horrible, and I didn’t want Matty to think about it now. So I tried to change the subject again, asking about the road names. It worked, and within seconds, my playful, fun-loving man had returned.

Then he’d made a comment about being engaged, and my mind worked in that annoying way it did. I immediately thought about the woman wearing the giant diamond and throwing a pretentious engagement party, and I asked about her without even thinking. I wished I could take it back.

“You’ve seen Taylor.”

It wasn’t a question, but I nodded anyway. His hand was still between mine, and I held it tightly. I wanted him to tell me that it was all a misunderstanding, that they weren’t really engaged, but deep down, I knew that would be a lie. Right now was the time for truth. “I did.”

He sighed a long, sad sound and looked around. “That is a very long story. It’s getting late, and we need to get the kids back to Boston. Can we talk about this later?”

My heart had already been pounding, but now it felt as if it would jump out of my chest. I could only nod.

He pulled his hand free and cupped my cheek. “Hey. I promise it isn’t what you think. I love you. You are the woman I want to marry.”

I nodded again and forced a smile. Turning and putting both feet back on the floor, I buckled my seat belt. We’d just had the talk I’d been saying we needed to have for months, and he’d told me some of the darkest, scariest secrets I’d ever known. He was a vigilante who had committed numerous crimes and could potentially go to prison—not jail, but prison—at any time. A ring on another woman was hardly the biggest issue we were going to have. So why did I feel as though the worst was still to come?

***

The kids were ready to get on the road when we got back to Becky's. They’d had a good supper then played video games with Uncle Dean, as even my kids were calling him now. They all kissed Bex and climbed into the car, excited to be away on our adventures.

Lily was the first to fall asleep. After making us listen to the
Frozen
soundtrack on repeat numerous times, and helping Matty make fun of the fact that I couldn’t hit the notes on “Let it Go,” she gave in and leaned on Dean’s shoulder. We’d barely made it Portsmouth before Sammy was snoring in the backseat and Ben was trying to figure out how to make him quiet down. Finally, Ben plugged in his headphones and played his 3DS.

Matty’s hand barely left me. If we weren’t holding hands, it was on my thigh or his thumb was rubbing circles on the side of my neck. A few times he’d grabbed my hand and kissed it before telling me he loved me. I knew he was surprised that I was still sitting beside him after what he’d told me and was also trying to make up for the fact that Taylor was still hanging over my head. So I smiled, told him I loved him back, and took every ounce of comfort he offered.

When we pulled into the garage, Ben sat up, intrigued. Dean carried Lily, Matty lugged Sam, and Ben and I grabbed the luggage as I tried to explain how close we were to everything.

“I’ll give you the tour of the house tomorrow,” I promised as we stepped off the elevator. “And we’ll go explore the city.”

Ben smiled as he stepped through the walk-in closet into Sammy’s room. “Awesome! It’s like a secret room with a hidden door and everything!”

I nodded. I’d never actually thought of it like that, but yeah, it was.

“This week is gonna be so much fun!” he insisted excitedly.

I rushed him out of the room before he could wake up the others, showed him the bathroom across the hall, and pointed out that Matty and I were right next door.

That earned me two hands on his hips and an arched brow. “You’re sharing a room?”

I groaned. It was too late at night for this conversation, and I wanted to have it with him, his sister, and Sam all at once. “We are. I wanted to tell you, Lily, and Sam at the same time. Matty asked me to marry him, and I said yes.”

Ben tipped his head back, surveying me in a gesture that proved once again he was growing up way too fast. He sighed. “Dad’s gonna have a shit-fit.”

“Benjamin Andrew Walker!” I hissed. “You watch your language!”

Ben just shrugged, offering me a smirk. “What? He is. And Nana is gonna freak.”

I narrowed my eyes. “That is an adult conversation. Your father can talk to me if he has a problem, and you will stay out of it. The same goes for your grandmother. If she has something to say, she can say it to me.”

“Whatever.” He shrugged again. “I love Uncle Matt. He makes you laugh.”

Before I could say another word, he walked into the bathroom and shut the door. I waited for what seemed like forever for him to come back out. Leaning against the wall on the other side of the hallway, I smiled when Dean and Matty came out of the kids’ bedroom.

“They’re both still out cold,” Matty whispered as Dean nodded his good nights and headed for the stairs. “Do you wanna tuck Ben in then go up to the roof to finish our conversation?”

I shook my head. I didn’t want to talk about Taylor on a normal day, and I sure as hell didn’t want to even think about her as tired as I was. I’d learned more than enough to make my head spin already. “No, I’m exhausted. Can I take a rain check? Tomorrow night maybe?”

Matt nodded, but I could see his disappointment. I was too mentally wrecked to try to fix it tonight.