Learning to Fly (12 page)

Your application for admission to Brown University has been carefully considered.  The credentials you shared as part of your application meet the requirements for admissions.  However, the University has offered admission to the maximum number of candidates, without risk of oversubscribing the freshman class, at this time.  For this reason, a wait list has been established and you have been given wait list status. 

Please return the enclosed reply form immediately, indicating whether you wish to remain on the wait list.  You will only be considered further if your form has been received.  If you make other arrangements for your college career, please let us know in writing so that your application can be officially withdrawn from consideration.

I hurriedly fill out the attached forms and run to the post office to mail them.  When I get back home, I sit on my bed and reread the letter from Brown.  Alex is gone, with his family, for the weekend and I choose to spend mine in bed.

Saturday I receive an acceptance letter from Penn, and I know I should be happy but I’m not.  Penn isn’t really my dream, Brown is.  I tell myself that being there with Alex will be enough. 

The next week at school feels different; I can’t put my finger on it, but it just isn’t the same.  I realize I have already made my decision.  I just hope it isn’t too late.

~~*~~*~~

“Alex, hey,” I call out, getting his attention.  He puts his head down and waits for me to get to him.  “So, what’s the plan for tonight?” We normally have plans every weekend of sports or friends, sometimes both. 

“I don’t know, Soph,” he puts his hand on top of his head and runs it through his bangs. 

“What’s wrong?” He’s not being his usual self and I don’t know why.

He looks down and scuffs his shoe on the floor.  “My dad is just really pushing me about my priorities and how much time I’m spending with you.” I feel butterflies flying out of my stomach. 

“Yes, I’ve been getting the same speech at home,” I say and look into his eyes.

“I need to say something to you.” 

“Tell me,” I say.

“Sophie, I’ve fallen for you.  I’ve felt it since the first day of school.  I know it may be too soon to say it, but I really mean it.” I put my lips to his mouth and kiss him.

“I’ve completely fallen for you, too, Alex.”  I whisper in his ear.

“Sophie” Alex’s voice sounds serious.  “I want us to have some time alone, you know?” 

“I want to be alone with you, Alex.” 

A radiant smile spreads across his face. “Alright, this Saturday night, I’ll make plans to take us somewhere so we can be alone.” Alex’s face is beaming now and I have to admit, so is mine.I am looking forward to my date with Alex Saturday night.  We make plans to spend time alone.  Although I know what that is code for, I still eagerly look forward to the time with him.  I just hope I will be able to convince myself I am ready by then. 

When Saturday finally arrives, our plans change.  Alex’s family changes their plans and, with everyone at home, we can’t be alone. I tell him we can hang out at my house.

“Where is everyone?”  At Alex’s question, I realize the house is too quiet, and I wonder what sort of evening Alex has planned. 

My parents are away a lot, because Larry has several business responsibilities that require him to travel frequently.  I see no need for my mother to stay home to babysit me. Tonight, I wish she were here. We start a movie with no intention of watching it.

Alex sits on the couch and removes his button down shirt.  “Come over here, Sophie.”  He commands and I obey.  The butterflies in my stomach jump as I make my way to the couch.  “Sophie, I love you so much,” he says before kissing my cheek, then my forehead, and finally my mouth.  I feel his hands move to my waist and untuck my blouse. 

This is a beautiful moment and I am about to ruin it. “Stop, please.”  I put my hands over Alex’s and look up into his eyes.  “I have never felt this way before.  No matter how much I want to; I know I can’t.” I can see the disappointment all over his face. 

“It’s hard to stop wanting you, Sophie.  You’re just so beautiful.”  I blush and feel my cheeks getting red from his words. 

“Alex, I can’t.” I say.

“I don’t think it’s a matter of can’t.  I think it’s won’t.  You’re so worried about being like your mother that you are afraid to live your life.”

In that moment, even though I knew what Alex was saying was the truth, I hated him for saying it. 

“What about you?  You hate football, yet you do it just to make your dad happy.  At least, the choice I’m making is mine.” 

“You’re right Soph, I’m sorry.”

“You should go, Alex.” I slowly rise from the couch, walk around, and stand behind it. 

“I’ve never had a problem getting girls before, Soph. I mean I’ve been with a lot of girls.” Alex walks over to me, “That’s not what I meant to say,” he says apologetically.

“Well you’re right, Alex, you have been with a lot of girls.  That experience should make it easy for you to go find what you’re looking for somewhere else.” I walk to the door and hold it open for him.  I am so angry and no matter how hard I try to hold them back, the tears pool in my eyes and start their trail down my cheeks.

“I’m not good with words; what I should have said was, I’ve never wanted to be with a girl the way I want to be with you.  I love you, Soph.”  I stay silent and watch Alex’s somber gait as he walks to his car and gets in. 

I take a very long hot bath to relax and to try to figure out what I am going to do about Alex.  I never had a typical childhood and missed so many firsts in my teen years.  I have my first boyfriend, it’s true, but I don’t think that means that I should rush through the rest of my firsts.

I sink down lower into the tub and hold my breath.  I stay under the warm water and listen to the sound of my heartbeat in my ears. As I pull myself back up, I take in a deep breath and start to cough.  All I have ever wanted was a life of my own, away from Angie and the past.

Fear creeps over me as my thoughts become scattered and desperate.  How can I hold onto the one person who loves me and still give myself the future that I have wanted for so long?  I thought I had already made my choice but now I’m not sure which it will be. I needed someone to talk to other than Alex.  I need Heidi.  I hit the phone icon next to her name. After four rings, I worry that I won’t be able to speak with her tonight.  It starts to ring for the fifth time.

“Hello?”

“Heidi, how are you?”

“Not that great I got the crud that’s going around. What’s up?”

“Nothing really, I just wanted to get your opinion on something, Heidi.”

“Shoot.”

“I’m confused about following my dreams and following my heart.”

“I don’t understand?  Is something going on with Alex?”

“Just the usual dilemma.  I applied to Penn and Brown, but my application for Brown was sent in late and I was put on the waiting list.”

“Wow, that sucks!”

“How did I let this happen?” I say in disgust.

“Really Angie? You don’t remember spending most of the school year up Alex’s ass versus sticking to your plan?”

“That’s not fair Heidi,” I protest. 

“I want you to think about something. What’s wrong with choosing you?  Choosing to continue your dream won’t make you lose Alex. You being you is what he fell in love with in the first place.  I think if you change everything about who you are for him, you’ll both end up regretting it.”

I know that what Heidi says is true.  I need to do this for me.  No one else.

Chapter Thirteen

It going to be a super busy week since it is three days before prom and four days until my 18th birthday. I have never had a birthday party before and just know that something special is in the works for the big day.  I am in such a great mood, and Alex takes it as a green light to make out.

“Stop it, Alex, not in front of my house.” I see my mother’s car parked at the bottom of the driveway.  If she is home, I know she is looking out the window watching, but will pretend that she isn’t.  The last thing I need is a lecture on what not to do from her.

“Saturday is going to be a very big night.”  Alex raises an eyebrow at the word big.

“Oh, really?” I play coy

“How can you not know what’s going on; I posted it on Facebook and tagged you.” He gives me a disbelieving look.

"I'm sorry.  Besides, you know I don't get on Facebook very often."

Alex shakes his head in disbelief.  "I date the smartest girl in school and she is challenged by social media." He laughs between kisses.  "You know I love you, babe."  He waits for affirmation, but I give him none.  Thinking he is just teasing, I laugh.

"So what are we really doing for my birthday?"  He slaps himself on the head and I realize that he forgot my birthday.

“Well, if you’re looking for a present, I have one I can give you right now.”

He takes my hand and rubs it over his groin.  "Stop it, Alex; I have to go."

I swear I feel weaker each time our lips meet.  It makes me want to share this first with him. I feel so conflicted. Alex and I have been inseparable since we first laid eyes on each other.

"I have to go.  See you tomorrow."
I open the door, get out, and he peels out, tires screeching as he goes down the road.  I notice Larry has been watching through the window.  I turn and give him a friendly wave. He opens the door and walks towards me, arms folded.

"I thought I might have to rescue you from fast fingers." I push past him, ignoring his comment.  I drop my bag on the floor and head to the couch to look for something to watch on TV.  Sitting on the table is Chinese takeout, and I’m excited.  I grab a set of chopsticks and dump some of the chicken dish on a plate.

“I know it’s late, but I think I need to give you the talk.” He looks nervous.

"What are you talking about?"  I say, taking the remote control. 

"Hey, my house, my remote," he says to me.

"Nope, you choose the food, I choose the show."  I say and click until I find something that catches my attention. 

"You shouldn't let that douche bag pressure you into having sex." Larry says bluntly.

"Alex is a little like that, nothing I can’t handle. Besides, won't you get your guy card taken away by consorting with the enemy?" I ask, making a joke.

“Well, I was a teenage boy once, and I wasn’t worth anything until I was older and my priorities changed.” He puts his arm around me squeezes me to his chest. “I know this hasn’t been easy, but I love you as if you were my little girl, and that means protecting you from touchy, feely boys.

That was the sweetest thing he could have said to me. 

“You have your plans all set for prom?”

"Eh, wasn't really stressing about it; I told Alex it doesn’t matter if don’t go."

  "What?  How can you say that you don't want to go to prom? It’s one of those rites of passage that you don’t want to miss out on,” Larry exclaims.

"Getting dressed up and dancing really isn't my thing, and I don’t see the importance." I say with a mouthful of chicken.

"Really?  Unless times have changed, prom always meant more to you girls than it does us guys."

"I wouldn't say that. Prom is nothing but a huge pressure cooker."

“Why are all guys so insensitive?”

"Ouch, that hurt." He grabs his chest as if he has been shot. 

"Seriously, there is so much pressure put on us for prom, with the dress, the hair, and the makeup for starters.  You are judged like a participant of a beauty pageant.  Then, after all that, you have to worry about sex.  If you aren't putting out, you had better plan on it after prom or the relationship is over." It feels so good to get all of this off my chest to someone who will just listen.

"What are you saying, Sophie? Are you worried that your relationship will be over?" Larry asks. I think about his question and wonder, will it be over after prom?  Would Alex really wait for me?

“I want you to remember something; there are guys that are more than willing to wait for a special girl like you.  Don’t let yourself settle; you are more important than that.  You deserve the best.  I love you, Sophie.”  I know that he really means what he says.  I was also glad that he had adopted me.

“Thank you, Larry, for caring so much about me.  Even though you’re not my Dad by blood, I wouldn't pick anyone else for the job.” I start to cry. “Would it be OK with you if I called you that, anyway?” 

“I would love nothing more.”  Larry pulls me in and gives me hug.  Mom comes in just in time to see the exchange between us. 

“Ok, what did I just miss?” She asks and looks at Larry. “Nothing, just having a bonding moment; we need to finish our food before it gets cold,” he says.

Mom sits down and grabs one of the containers. She eyes me suspiciously and I try to ignore it. “We were talking about prom.”

“Sophie, what do you say we go into the city this weekend and search for a prom dress for you?” 

“Alright,” I say and give her a weak smile. I figure if I’m going to buy a prom dress, I should do some research first. I head to the kitchen to throw away my containers from dinner. Mom and Larry are making desert. 

“You want a sundae, honey?”  Larry asks.

“Nope, I’m good.  I’m heading to bed.  Good night, Mom, good night, Dad.”  It felt good to say those words.  Dad puts his bowl down on the counter and comes to me with outstretched arms. 

“Good night, Sophie and don’t forget what I told you.”  I smile and look over at mom who is glaring at me with that look again. I recognize it now, it’s jealousy.

On Friday, I come home excited for the weekend trip with my mom. True to form, she conveniently catches another cold and is unable to get out of bed.  No prom shopping for me. I decide to call for reinforcements.

“Kass, hey, it’s Sophie.  You feel like helping me shop for a prom dress?”

“You had me at shopping.  I’ll be over in twenty to pick you up.”  I end the call and look for my sneakers. 

“Hey, Soph, you decent?”  Dad asks from behind the closed door.

“Yep, come in.”  He walks in and looks upset. 

“Here, take this.”  Dad hands me his black card.  “You buy yourself a dress, shoes, the works, and have dinner too.”  I hug him tightly.

“Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome. No girl should miss out on a full prom experience.” Kass toots the horn and I run out to meet her.

“You’re going dressed like that?” She says with her nose turned up.

“Yes, what’s wrong with it?”  I say, looking down at my outfit.

“Nothing, it’s just you have a regular bra on—.”  My perplexed look causes her to stop mid-sentence.

“It’s fine, anything you need for under the dress we can find at the shop.  So, what colors are you thinking of?”

“I have no idea; I’ve never done anything like this before.”

“And you came to me? I’m so touched.” Kass takes off and we head to a small boutique shop on the other side of town. 

“This place has the best selection and she keeps track of who purchases what so your dress can be one of a kind.” She pulls a couple dresses off the rack, holds them up to look at them, and then holds them up to me.

“Why would I need it to be one of a kind?” 

“Because! You don’t want anyone else walking into prom with your dress.”  She just shakes her head at me. 

I half listen as I walk to the back of the store.  I see it, the dress I must have is hanging on the back wall.  The sales woman sees me eyeing it and comes over.  “This is a beautiful choice for prom.

It has a sweetheart neckline appliqué with ruffled tiers all the way to the floor.”

“May I try it on?” I ask timidly.

She takes the dress to the back and helps me slip into it.  It actually fits, she zips it all the way up in the back, and I walk out to the trifold mirror outside the dressing room.

“Wow.  Alex will not be able to take his eyes, or anything else, off you with that on.”  Kass says.

“Take a pic with my phone, please.” 

“You aren’t going to send it to Alex are you?” 

“No, I want to send it to Heidi.”  Kass smiles and snaps pictures of the front, side, and back of the dress before handing it back.

I hit send and type a message.  Let me know what you think.

Mere seconds go by and I hear a ding.  Yes! Yes! You have to get it, you look so gorgeous!!!

Thanks

When I change back into my clothes, I walk to the register to pay for the dress.

“Uh, what do you think you’re doing?”  Kass says from her seat at a table in the back of the store.

“I was going to pay so we could go.”

“It’s a good thing I’m with you.  Sit down,” she pulls out the chair next to her.

“Now, we have to pick out a tux for your date to wear.” 

“Really?  I thought guys just picked out their own stuff.”

“No, honey normally you pick out what will compliment your dress.”  The sales clerk says and sits across from us.

We sit and look through several books before I find something that looks like Alex. 

“I like this one.” I point to the White tuxedo in the book.  The model even reminds me of Alex.  There is a blue scarf in the pocket, a vest, and necktie that match the color of the appliqués in my dress.

“Alright, I will write down the information and keep it in the folder with your dress receipt.  Just have your guy come in and get his measurements done and we will have everything ordered and ready for you by prom.”

I feel so happy and accomplished. 

“Here you are.” She hands me a piece of material the color of my dress.  Not wanting to look ignorant, I wait until we’re outside to ask questions. 

“What’s this for?” I hold up the swatch in front of Kass.

“That swatch is so you can match shoes, and give to Alex to pick out a corsage for you.” 

“Oh.” God, do I feel stupid.

“In my opinion, it would be overkill to get shoes the same color of the dress.  I would suggest something strappy and silver, and silver jewelry to compliment the dress.”

“Sounds good.”  I say to her, and two hours later, we find jewelry, shoes, and a clutch to take.  I’m tired and ready to eat anything at this point. 

We run to the diner and grab waffles and sausage before calling it a night.

“Thanks again for your help today.”

“It was my pleasure; oh, I’ll schedule you to go with me for hair and makeup the day of prom.”

~~*~~*~~

Prom night is nothing spectacular and I didn’t mind.  Tomorrow is the only day I truly care about: my 18th birthday. I have been waiting for this day my entire life. Many girls compliment me on my dress. But for the most part, the groups we sit in at lunch are the same people we cluster together with at the tables. 

“Sophie, may I have this dance?”  Alex asks and extends his hand.  I take it and he leads me to the middle of the dance floor.  Paramore is singing The Only Exception. 

I couldn’t have asked for a more perfect moment than this, dressed up like a princess, and in the arms of the man I love, on the eve of my 18th birthday. I tuck my head under Alex’s chin as he sings the chorus to me.  Cheesy I know, and I love every minute of it. When the song ends, we stay wrapped up in each other’s arms.

“Tomorrow is a really big day; would you mind if we left prom?” Alex asks.

“Not at all, let’s grab our stuff.” I say and head back to our table to get my purse and shoes. 

“Where do you think you’re going?” Jake asks, pointing his prom king scepter at us.

“Soph and I are calling it a night; we have a big day tomorrow. “ Alex says and grabs his jacket from the back of the chair. 

“Wait, wait, we need one more group pic, before you go.” Kass shouts and passes her camera to Tina to take a few more shots of us. 

“Tonight is nice, but tomorrow is going to be amazing.” I say to Alex as I put on my seatbelt.

“I think we could make tonight amazing, too.” He pulls my hand placing it on the hard growth in his pants.  I don’t know why I am shocked that his idea is sex. 

“Because?”  Although I shouldn’t be, I am completely dumbfounded with what goes through his brain.  I slide my hand back and place it under my legs, to avoid any ‘meet and greets’ with his member. 

“Tomorrow is a special day, you only turn 18 once.”  I have something special to give you to remember the occasion.” He smiles as he shifts the car and builds up speed.  Sometimes he surprises me with the things that come out of his mouth.