Leave a Trail (52 page)

“I’ll take the kids with me. Get ‘em some McDonald’s or somethin’, then we’ll be back for the ladies at three.”

Isaac looked shredded, and Lilli figured he felt the same relief and disappointment she felt—only tenfold. She would have preferred their kids to be happy with every precious second they were able to be with their father, but they were young. And the thought of having hours alone with him—well, as alone as they could be—was alluring, to say the least. But her heart broke to see him hug his children and watch Show take them away. When Gia stopped at the door to the rest of the world and turned to wave and blow him a kiss, he returned it and muttered, “Fuck, that hurts.”

“I know, love. I’m sorry.”

He shook his head and grabbed her hand again. “Nothing to do now but get through.” His eyes on hers, he said, “Tell me. You’re doin’ okay?”

“Yeah. We have a routine. We’re busy. The B&B will be open in another few weeks, Gia’s got school. It’s weird how much is the same when everything is so fucking different.”

“Right,” he laughed. “Can’t say the same.”

“Sorry. God, that was a shitty thing to say. I’m sorry.” Reflexively, she jerked her hand, but he held fast.

“It’s all good, Sport. I just want you okay. If you and the kids are okay, then I can do this. That’s what I need to get through. You okay, and waiting for me.”

Then that’s what they would be. No matter what, for Isaac, they would be okay. And waiting. Always waiting.

~oOo~

They spent that night in the same roadside motel rooms they’d spent the previous night. Tasha had wanted to go to the bar down the side road, but Lilli had the kids and wasn’t in the mood anyway, so she turned in with them while Show took Tash down for drinks. Len’s old lady was having trouble being alone. Lilli thought that was interesting, because she herself could barely stand people around her at all anymore. Even Shannon. Things were tolerable as long as they were talking about getting the business open, or even talking about Millie and Joey, or about Adrienne’s pregnancy, and as long as they were working as Shannon talked. But Lilli did not want to talk about herself or anything about her life. No.

The only person she could stand to talk to was Show. Only he understood Isaac like she did. In some ways, he understood him better. And only he could begin to approach an understanding of what it was like not to have him. But even with him, she was reticent.

So she bathed her kids, read to them, and tucked them in, then got into bed with a book. She tried to focus on the words, but all she could think of was Isaac. His smell, how it was both familiar and alien now, an institutional layer of prison over the scent she knew so well. The feel of his arms around her again. His beard on her face when he kissed her. The clutch of his fingers on her hips when a guard called him off from their goodbye. Remembering the feel of him, she was wet and restless. But her kids were sleeping in the next bed. She cast the book aside with a sigh and tried to shut her eyes.

After tossing and turning for who knew how long, she opened her eyes and saw that Bo had turned sideways in his sleep. His head was hanging off the bed; his feet lay on his sister’s belly. Chuckling quietly, Lilli got up and settled him more safely and comfortably on the pillow.

She saw the glow of a cigarette through the closed sheers filling the gap in the curtains that wouldn’t close all the way, and she went to the peephole to see. Show was standing out there, smoking. She hadn’t thought he still smoked, not since the twins. Yanking a hoodie over her yoga pants and tank, she went out onto the walkway overlooking the parking lot, turning the security bolt on the door so it would catch on the jamb and she wouldn’t lock herself out.

“Hey, Lilli.”

“You okay?”

“Sure. Couldn’t sleep.”

“You get Tasha the drunk she was looking for?”

He grinned. “I’d say so. Think she’ll be pretty quiet on the drive tomorrow.”

Indicating his cigarette, she said, “I thought you stopped.”

“Did. Bought a pack at the mini-mart next to the bar. I’ll smoke a couple and be done again. I come around the twins smelling like smoke, and Shannon will make me pay. But I needed a nic hit tonight.”

“Because of today?”

“That was hard. Didn’t expect it to be easy, but that was hard.”

“Yeah, it was. Are they really okay, you think? The cuts and bruises aren’t a thing?”

“They live in a jungle now, Lilli. Gotta thump your chest every now and then, show who’s the baddest gorilla in the banana grove. You know that.” He turned a wry eye on her. “You think either of them’s gonna lose a straight-up chest-thump? No, when it’s trouble, it won’t be a beating. If somebody goes for him, he’ll get shanked.”

Lilli leaned back against the filthy, faded siding of the motel. “If that was supposed to make me feel better, you really fucking suck at it.”

His cigarette smoked down, he dropped the butt to the walkway and stubbed it out under his boot. “You gotta come back out into the world now, Lilli.”

“What?”

“Come back to the family. People are goin’ crazy with worry. Let us help you.”

“Fuck you, Show.” She pushed off the wall and turned for her door, but his enormous hand wrapped around her arm, and he pulled her around.

“I made a promise.” He gritted the words out. “I promised him I would take care of his family. I keep my fucking promises. And you are going to wither and die, you and the kids,
Isaac’s kids
, if you don’t come back to the people who understand. You can’t spend the next six years on your own, Lilli. I see what you’re doing. Pulling up the drawbridge. Fuck that.”

Furious and again on the verge of tears—she spent every goddamn, motherfucking minute of her empty fucking life on the verge of tears now—she yanked hard on her arm, but he only clamped down more tightly. So she twisted, trying to dislodge him and get his arm behind his back. He anticipated her with a grim laugh, and she ended up caught in a bear hug instead.

“I know you by now, girl. And you’ve lost your edge. But I’ll spar if you want.”

“Dammit, Show.” But there was no fire in the words. Instead, tucked firmly to his chest, Lilli just gave up. He held her while she cried. She cried a lot these days, but this was the first time she’d done it where someone could see.

X

The 79
^th
Day

Shannon knew how to throw a party, that was a certainty. She was really in her element when she had an event to plan, and Lilli thought she’d outdone herself for the reopening of the B&B. The whole town came out, and a crowd of people from well beyond. Press had shown up, too—reporters from Springfield and St. Louis, one with a camera crew. And a national travel magazine sent somebody. There was a story to be found in the B&B that had risen up twice from the ashes.

Lilli was suspicious of reporters and cameras, so she made herself as scarce as was possible and left Shannon to do what she did best. There was a ribbon-cutting, and the guests who had booked the first room got the honors. There was food and music on the front grounds. Badger was running trail rides. Adrienne—looking sweet and glowy with her little belly, dressed in the kind of bright, boho chic ensemble that was her signature style—gave guided tours of the reborn facility and grounds.

Lilli’s English garden, and the arts-and-crafts gazebo Isaac had built with his own hands, had been destroyed in the fire. She hadn’t found the will this spring to replant the garden, so they’d had a professional landscaper do it. And now there was a generic, violently typical white gazebo in its center.

She avoided going back there.

The day was a great success. It was only early April, but the B&B was booked weekends through the summer, and weekdays were starting to fill up a little, too. They were light on weddings; few brides wanted to commit their special day to a facility that hadn’t been up and running yet. Now that they were, the fall wedding bookings were starting. And Shannon was confident that they’d get enough late-planners and last-minute-panickers to fill out the summer enough, too.

Standing on the porch, Lilli figured there was probably no sign of the destruction this earth had seen. But she saw it everywhere. In the simple difference of the building. In the rigid perfection of the landscaping. Everywhere.

The kids were down at the corral with Badger, looking at the horses. She decided that she’d done enough socializing, had fulfilled her obligations as owner of the property, and could take her kids and go home to some peace and quiet. But then Shannon was at her side. “Sneak back to the kitchen for a cup of coffee with me?”

“Oh. Sorry, Shan. I was just thinking about getting the kids home. It’s been a tiring day for them.”

“Lilli. Just a cup. Come on.” Her friend took her hand. “I miss you.”

She looked across the grounds and saw Badger had Toby tied at a post and was lifting Gia onto a stepstool so she could brush him. Bo was throwing a stick for Weasel.

“Okay.”

X

The 180
^th
Day

“I can’t go this weekend.” Tasha poured milk into her coffee and then pushed the little pitcher across the table to Lilli.

“What? Why?” Lilli added milk to her cup and then pulled three packets of sugar out of the tin next to the napkin dispenser. A couple of months earlier, as Lilli had started to peek out of the hole she’d made herself, she and Tasha had started meeting twice a week at Marie’s for coffee, and sometimes pie. Even on a hot July day like this, coffee and pie was a nice combination.

“I just saw Tiffany Knox this morning. She’s got an infection and is running a high fever. I need to make sure she’s responding to the antibiotics I prescribed. She’s only eight months old, and she’s not a strong little girl. I need to stay close.”

Tiffany Knox was Jerri Rae Knox’s baby girl. Lilli shook her head. Jerri Rae had been a club girl for a few years, before she’d strayed from the club and gotten herself knocked up. Now, she was living where she’d grown up, with her grandfather, her mother, and her little girl, all of them living on one kind of assistance or another. Lilli hadn’t bothered herself much with the club girls, at least not in their capacity as available pussy or in their drama-filled troubles—Len had had far more patience for all that nonsense than she had. But she’d gotten to know them all when she was running the clubhouse. Jerri Rae was sweet, but she was dim as a sooty lantern. She’d tried to get Badger in some trouble, which hadn’t endeared her to anybody who could help her.

“Tasha, you have to go. Can’t Jerri Rae take her to the hospital if she gets worse?”

“The hospital is an hour away, and she drives that ancient clunker. Things can go wrong fast with a baby, especially one with Tiffany’s problems. I need to stay. I’ll go in two weeks.”

Lilli slammed her hand on the table, making everything on it rattle, and getting Marie’s attention at the counter. “Tasha! Jesus! You have to go! How is Jerri Rae’s kid more important than your old man!”

“She’s not! But she could die if she takes a turn, and I am her doctor. I took an oath.”

“You took a vow to Len, too!”

Tasha’s eyes went cold and hard. “Lilli, you need to step back, now. Len and I talked about stuff like this. He will understand, and he’s the only person I give a
fuck
about understanding. So back off.”

Lilli threw herself back against the booth seat and scowled at her coffee. They sat in silence, neither drinking or even moving.

“Lilli, I’m sorry. I don’t want to fight with you. You’re the only person who gets what this is like. We need to be okay, you and me.”

“Then come this weekend.”

Tasha huffed in frustration. Not for the first time since they’d sat down and started this talk, Lilli pushed back the urge to just slug her across the table.

“You’re projecting.”

Oh, yeah. That punch was looking
really
likely. Lilli glared. “Is that bullshit left over from your psych rotation in med school?”

Tasha didn’t take the bait. “I think you’re afraid if you miss even one visit, Isaac will worry that you’re drifting away from him. But Lilli, you know that’s not true. He knows what you have. He’s stronger than that, and you know it.”

That was willfully reductive reasoning, as far as Lilli was concerned. It wasn’t about whether Isaac was strong enough to go without a visit. It was that he shouldn’t
need
to be. “They need us.”

“Yeah, they do. And we need them. Seeing Len like that breaks my heart. Visiting days are the best and worst days all at once.” She pushed her coffee cup and saucer to the side and leaned in. “It’s been six months. We have another five and a half years of this—if they get parole the first time it comes up. Do you honestly think you’re going to be able to drive three hundred miles each way every other weekend and never miss one the entire time?”

Lilli leaned in and spoke with all the certainty and determination she could muster—and that was a significant amount. “Yes. If I could see him more than that, I still would not miss a visit. If, God for-fucking-
bid
, he’s inside longer, I
still
will not miss a visit.” Slithering up the wall of her mind was the thought that they had two children, either of whom might be sick on a visiting weekend, or might have some sort of important function that weekend. But she turned away from that thought.

They stared at each other again. Then Tasha nodded. “Okay. Okay. I understand. It would be great if you’d understand that Len and I have talked some other scenarios through, too. I don’t need you to understand, but it would be great if you would try. I’m not coming this weekend. I’ll be with you next time.”

For reasons beyond her full comprehension, Tasha’s missing a visit with Len made Lilli feel desolate.

X

The 325
^th
Day