Leaving Normal (32 page)

"Natalie, you should just give up the idea that this is bad. We can have good times."

"Is that what you want?" she asked, a frown on her brows.

"Your meaning?"

"Good times…fun. Nothing else. Just a…you know. Just fun."

Folding his arms over his chest, he carefully chose his next words. "No. This will sound conceited and I don't mean it to but, on any given day, I run into women who would sleep with me. I don't go there. That's not who I am. I don't need to put a notch on my bedpost just to prove to myself I'm a man. I'm just me. Just Tony."

She quietly looked at him and he could see she was trying to figure out how to say something.

"Just say it," he prodded. "You've had something on your mind all morning. I know you enough now to be able to tell."

She came out with it. "Are we going to have an affair?"

"An affair?"

"Sex. No strings attached."

He pulled in a breath. "Is that what you want to call it?"

"I don't think there's anything else we can call it."

"How about a relationship? I thought we agreed to be friends."

"That won't work and you know it."

"Why not?"

A nervous reaction, she tapped the table with her fingertip. "All you have to do is look at me and I forget about being your friend. I want to be your lover. We're both mature adults with level heads. If we go into this with our eyes wide open, I think an affair would be better."

"You make it sound very cut-and-dried."

"Wouldn't it be?"

"I don't think so." Tony balled the leftover paper from his sandwich and finished his beer. "So you're saying you just want to have sex?"

She contemplated a response, her green eyes filled with something he couldn't quite define. Then it hit him—lust. She'd revealed her lust for him. It excited him.

Pulling in a breath, she said, "I want to be your friend, but I also want more than that so long as we're both clear that we don't get involved in other ways. Namely, doing something stupid like falling in love or anything that revolves around feelings that could get hurt."

"So you think you can be my friend, only sleep with me, and not fall in love with me?"

Once more, she licked her lips. "Yes. I do."

Everything in the Victoria's Secret store was pink. Pink walls, pink displays, pink panties, pink bras, pink hangers, pink sexy teddies and pink pajamas. It must have been Pink Day in Vicky's.

"I can't believe I said what I said to him." Natalie wanted to blot out the world, forget her discussion with Tony at Cobby's.

"Well, frankly," Sarah replied, "I can't believe it, either. You've come a long way."

Natalie frowned. "So you're encouraging me to just sleep with him?"

"I didn't say that." Sarah looked at a bra with sparkles sewn on the cups. "But I do think that if you are intimate with him, you'll let go of all these hangups you have about him being younger. You'll probably swear off men in their forties."

"If things don't work out in a cut-and-dried sex situation, I'm swearing off men. Period." Natalie bit her lip. "Sarah, do you think I'm ready for just
sex
?" That last word squeaked out between her lips. Even she had a hard time saying she was going into this for sexual pleasure and that was all. How dumb did she think she was?

Actually, she didn't think herself dumb at all. She considered herself very reasonable and adult, which was why approaching this thing on an affair-only basis sounded so sensible. She liked him, he liked her. There was no reason they couldn't like each other naked. In bed.

"I don't think any woman is just ready for sex. We all think we are," Sarah said, holding up the bra to herself, then checking the price tag. "We want to get paid like men, we want to be accepted like men and we think we want to have causal sex like men. But it's crap. We want love and romance. Not just sex. So, in my opinion you're setting yourself up to either A—fall in love with him, or B—get hurt. Or maybe you'll fool us all and choose C—which is multiple orgasms and still stay friends with him. Although I think the likelihood of that is remote. And I'd hate for 'B' to happen after the damage that Michael did. So I'd suggest 'A'—falling in love with the fireman."

"That's absurd."

"Is it?" Sarah put the bra back. "Then why do you get hearts in your eyes when you talk about him?"

"I do not."

"I think you should buy something that will just completely blow him away. He won't know what hit him. Remember, you're representing the over-forty crowd and you've got the body to pull it off." Sarah moved along to the teddies.

"I didn't come in here to buy sexy. I came in here to buy something I think is tastefully sensual."

This time Sarah frowned. "If you want to seduce him with tastefully sensual, I have a pair of bunny slippers and a short nightie."

If the suggestion hadn't provided such a visual, Natalie would have kept her thoughts to herself. Instead she couldn't help laughing. Then she gave her sister a hug. "You're my best friend, Sarah."

Sarah hugged her back. "Of course I am. Which is why I won't steer you wrong. Come on, let's see what this place has."

Sarah and Natalie lifted up thongs and compared the cuts.

"I couldn't wear something like this
before
I had kids," Sarah said on a sigh while looking at the two-inch triangle of sheer fabric and thin elastic strings. "You'd have to be a Barbie in order to fit into it."

Natalie examined the pair she held. "This one's for Skipper."

"What size is that?"

"Medium."

"Are you sure it's not extra small?"

"Positive."

Sarah's eyebrows rose. "I guess we're at the wrong pantie display. Even I'm intimidated."

"That says a lot!" Natalie put the underwear down and they made their way to the back of the store.

She couldn't believe she was in here, looking for something sexy to buy. An involuntary shudder washed through her when she thought back to yesterday. And worse yet, couldn't believe that she'd actually said what she'd said to Tony about having an…affair.

Had she been crazy to say that?

She'd been conscious of him the entire day at the museum. Where he stood, how close he was to her. How he smelled, what he said, how he said it. The way his eyes focused on a painting, then on her as if she were the only thing in the room that mattered.

He took her breath away, made her heart beat faster. It was crazy.

Whenever she was around him, she lost her common sense, and in its place, every sense she possessed was heightened. She knew when he was behind her, even if it was a foot away. She could feel him. There had been many times she'd wanted to turn around, take him in her arms and just hold him, have him hold her. Stroke her hair from her forehead the way he had the morning she'd woken up with him.

She couldn't believe she'd spent the night on his sofa. She'd been so tired she'd just drifted off. Every muscle in her body had relaxed from the foot rub he'd given her, then when he'd put his mouth on hers…

Bliss.

That's the only way she could describe it.

She'd never been kissed the way Tony Cruz kissed her.

Natalie struggled to maintain a level head, a reasonable perspective. But she couldn't. Whenever he was near her, whenever she even thought about him, reason fled.

It was stupid to suggest just sex. What had she been thinking?

She'd been thinking about sex.

What was wrong with a woman her age having sex just because she wanted to? It wasn't as if she'd be irresponsible.

Her eyes were wide open, unlike before with Michael when she so desperately wanted a relationship after her divorce. She could disconnect from anything emotional with Tony—because she wouldn't allow herself to be emotional.

No strings attached.

When she'd said that, she'd seen a shadow of something come over his face. What had it been…? Disappointment perhaps? No…a straggle between two issues. That was it. His
want
to have sex and something else that ran deeper. His want of…her.

She knew it. He'd all but said it. And that want wasn't just for intimacy. It was a want of the emotional. Well, she couldn't do it. She knew too well that he deserved someone younger, someone who wanted the things he wanted. He might think that by looking the other way things would be all right. But they wouldn't.

She was still who she was…he was still who he was.

At least she'd put the baby issue out on the table and he couldn't say she hadn't been up front about it.

Even for all her honesty, she saw that look in his eyes. He desired her. She knew that.

It made her feel good to know that at her age she was desirable to a man nine years younger. Which is why she didn't want to disappoint him. So she was determined to buy something sensual, something that would make his mouth drop open.

She couldn't remember the last time she'd made a purchase in this store.

"What about this?" Sarah held up a bra and pantie set.

A black feathered-and-jeweled skimpy set was dangled in front of her.

"Not what I had in mind. I need more coverage."

Sarah homed in on a pair of fuzzy mules. "Oh, my God, look at these. Steve would just die. I wonder if they have my size? I'm going to ask."

Sarah wandered off to get help and Natalie was left to her own devices. Which was fine with her. She wanted to pick something that suited her own tastes, but it had to look good on her body. She needed breast support…which was a different issue entirely.

She wasn't real comfortable yet with the way her breast looked, and wondered if she'd ever be comfortable with it. She had two slashes for scars, not that big, but still—they marred the ivory skin of her breast and it did bother her a little to think about Tony seeing them. Which is why she wanted to buy something that had a built-in bra, something that looked so great he wouldn't want to take it off on top. At least that was her hope.

Natalie picked a few things, took them to the dressing room with her, and once inside the cubicle, she started the daunting task of trying on.

Two women in the next dressing room were talking, and while Natalie's subconscious had been focused on how she looked in her first selection, she grew aware of what the women were saying.

"This one looks better."

"No, it doesn't. It's cotton."

"But it's expensive cotton. I like to sleep in a cotton . T-shirt and cotton shorts."

"That's fine. I like sleeping in cotton, too, when I'm sleeping in my bed. But when I want to spend the night with Chris, I wear silk for a sex bed."

Sex bed.

Natalie paused. That's exactly what she was buying something for. A sex bed…

Gazing at her reflection, her hands rose to cup her burning cheeks as she studied her face and the expression that greeted her. Who was she? She was forty-three and trying on skimpy teddies for a thirty-four-year-old fireman's sex bed.

She swallowed, smiled. Then thought—yeah, that's what she was doing and it felt really good. It was exciting…promising. Wicked.

"But if I buy this for a sex bed, it's a lot of pressure," one of the women continued.

"Pressure for what?"

"An orgasm."

"Oh. Well, you can always fake one if you have to."

"Wouldn't he be able to tell?"

The woman heaved a sigh. "Fake orgasms, fake phone numbers. You give it to the guy because that's what he wants to hear."

Natalie began dressing in a black lace teddy and thought about Tony and how he was built, his strength and confidence. The way his lips felt on hers and the way he touched her.

With a certainty she would have bet money on, Natalie wouldn't be faking anything.