Less Than Perfect Circumstance (20 page)

I called out for my mother and waited for her to respond. I walked lightly into my parents’ room and saw my mother lying in the same
position I had left her in. Dan
e sat in a corner of the room, his knees and a white blanket pulled up to his chest.

“You didn’t sleep there, did you?” I asked.

Dane shook his head, “no,” and stared at Mother.

I cal
led out to my mother again,
smiling. I walked over to her and attempted to wake her by force. She didn’t respond. I turned and
noticed the empty bottle of
pain killers
and an empty bottle of Jack Daniels lying on the floor.

“She asked me to bring them to her,” Dane finally spoke.

Our mother had chosen not to live, rather than live without the man who was supposed to love her.

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

“I never forgot how I felt the day Dane I were brought to your door. You welcomed us as if we had infiltrated your perfect little family. You had left thinking it wou
ld be too soon before you see us
again, and the look on your face that day showed that something inside you died when soon came sooner than you thought it would. You thought they needed you more than we did, and you left and never looked back. So now you know why I’m at your bed every day. I wanted to watch you die, just like my brother had to watch my mother ease the pain she felt over losing you. I wanted you to know the hate I carried for you, even though all I wanted to do was love you. I cry because part of me will miss you, after all, you are my father. But I also cry mostly for the mother I lost. Yes, Eleanor tried her best, but I wanted my mother to love me. I wanted my mother to share in my accomplishments, especially since you never did. I hope
that maybe now in the afterlife

wherever that may be

you can explain to her exactly why you left. Dane and I
were
always a beam in my mother’s eyes. I’m still trying to figure out what I ever meant to you.”

I excused
m
yself from my father’s room and headed to a
vending machine at the end of the hall. Many of the patients, those well enough to pace the halls, took t
heir daily stroll.
Nurse Hagerty sat behind the desk, engaging in a polite conve
rsation with another nurse working with her
.

“Mr. DeGregory, is everything ok
ay
?”
he asked, looking briefly in my
direction.

“Everything
is fine. I got a little thirsty,
”
I explained.

When I
got t
he water and walked back to my
father
’s room, whatever
misery
, pain, or discomfort my
father
might have been
in
,
was over. Marvin
had died. I
s
tood facing my father with my hands folded across my chest.

“You didn’t want me to see y
ou go, did you?” I asked rhetorically.

Even if I wanted him to, I knew my
father
wasn’t going to respond. I stood in the room for a long while, staring at my father’s lifeless body. I had said everything I needed to say to Marvin. 

Finally, I believed my father had listened. I
had fo
rgiven him. I
pressed th
e red button above the bed, the same button I
had stared at so many times, to summon N
urse Hagerty to the room. I
didn’t notice the
nurse already standing behind
m
e
.

“Mr. DeGregory, I’m so sorry.”

“No need to be sorry. I got the time I wanted with him,
” I
s
aid as the tears rolled down my
face.

Before long, the room was filled with the es
sential hospital personnel.
I
sat at the desk in my father’s room and dialed Eleanor’s
number.

“Mom…” I
w
hispered in the phone.

“I know, baby. I know.”

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

I DIDN’T KNOW MY OWN STRENGTH

Trevor

I woke in the morning with spontaneity on my mind.
I
wasn’t exactly sure
where that thought would take
m
e
. It’
s been a while since I
had
dropped the top of my convertible and let my
head blow in the wind like the rich old ladies at the end of a
1950’s movie. I
had no destination in mind, just to drive until something told
me to turn back. I
just wanted to go.

Before I
walked out the house, the phone rang. Nothing was going to
interrupt my unplanned escape.

As I
drove,
I
wondered what had happened to Dexter and his nephew.
At the stoplight, Itook a quick glance in my
rear
-view mirror and noticed two women talking and la
ughing. It was at that moment I
noticed how others
can
make you realize how easy it is to be happy. In their exchange, the women seemed to have no worries, and if they did, whatever those worries were, they would n
ot infringe on their happiness

not this time.

I
thought about sitting under the big oak tree
, talking to my
mother. The
same oak tree that had been my
back-rest
several times as I
sat talking to her ab
out things I
felt only she would understand. It wa
s this conversation that gave
m
e
the strength to finally distantm
y
self from Kelvin.

That evening after talking to my mother, I entered the
ho
use to a ringing
cell
phone I had purposely left on the
dining
room table. When I answered without looking at the screen, Kelvin’s voice shocked me. I hadn’t heard from him since our last conversation.

“Where the hell have you been?” K
elvin asked w
hen
he heard my voice.

I decided that, once and for all, it was time to put Kelvin’s audacity to rest
.

“Did you get the letter?” I asked. I was surprised at my calm.

“I haven’t opened it yet,” Kelvin said.

“I think you should. It will explain everything.”

“What the hell is this about?” Kelvin broke in after being silent.

“F
or some reason
I’ve allowed you to think you have the right to talk to me as if my face is the one you’r
e staring into at night,” I
began as soon as
I collected my thoughts
. “If you’re going to call deman
ding to know
wha
t I’m doing, or who I’m doing what
with, then I would appreciate it if you just don’t call.”

“What’s gotten into you?”

“To answer your question bluntly, you’re what’s gotten into me. I
’ve been stupid to believe
I owe you any type of explanation whatsoever, yet time and time again I find myself establishing some goddamn alibi whenever I’m unavailable to you. If you’re asking questions because you care, then that I appreciate. But if your only reason for your inquisitions
is to exercise some power
I have allowed you to believe you still have over me, then please, don’t call. I have allowed you to make getting ov
er you harder than it had to be,
like it’s some twelve-step program that I consistently fail. Our interaction, at this poin
t, is unhealthy for me. The space
you so often threatened to give me, I would appreciate that now, too. Somewhere between loving you and losing you, I lost me. I want me back.”

Kelvin never responded.
I could tell he wanted to, but I never gave him a chance. This time, I wasn’t interested in what he had to say. I wasn’t mad, but I
had to do somethin
g to get back the power over my life that I
had so willingly given up.
It had taken me a long time, but that evening, time had expired.

The hurt I felt when Kelvin left and the betrayal I felt
when
I read Lawrence’s words quickly became
a distant memory.
They had been put in their right place. I realized I
h
ad to hurt to stop from hurting, but I
d
idn’t have to hurt as long as I did. I tried to think of the time I
spent with Kelvin,
and the time I spent
getting over him, not as time wasted
, but as a learning experience. Boy, did I
learn.

I got on my knees and asked God to send somebody to love me. I thought he was joking when he sent me…me. You’re an awesome God.
I
thought.

After my conversation with Kelvin, on
e
where I did more talking than listening, I felt a weight lifted from
my shoulders, and I wished I’
d had that conversation sooner. I called my father’s house and spent a few minutes talking to Natalie, and accepted an invitation to have lunch with her and her son Adrian Ebner.

I was back in the car. I drove in silence. I
began fingering the stereo controls in the steering wheel and came across a station playing
a song I had never heard before by Terryan Johnson. I had my
elbow resting on
the top of the car door and my head in the palm of my hand. I
smile
d
at the lyrics that came from the speakers.

“
Looking into eyes I’ve never seen before

Touched by your hands I’ve never felt before

Smiling at smiles that brightened new days

I thought I’d never see again

I can’t believe I’ve been afraid to

Love you,

Trust you,

Start anew with you

Forget the less-than-perfect-circumstance

That never included you”

I
sang along as l
oudly as I
could, and he paid no attention to how horrible he sound
ed, or who heard. I
felt
too good to even care. Terryan was doing to me what
only Janet
and Brandy could. I listened carefully to words that made
m
e
thi
nk about the one person.

I picked up my
cell phone
and dialed his number. I thought about how much I
was missing
him. Ou
r last conversation didn’t end the way
I wanted, and I
wondered how receptive he might. 

“Hello, Jackson. This is Trevor.”

“I know who this is, man. What took you so long?”

“It’s just been crazy since we last spoke, but I’m fine. I did something I should have done a long time ago.”

“Oh, you did?”

“Yes, I did. I was so wrapped up into losing love that was already lost that I….”

“Don’t say it. So why am I hearing from you know?”

“I’m ready.”

“What exactly are you ready for?”

“You,
” I responded. My heart and face finally wore
the same smile.

CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO

THE CLOSER I GET TO YOU

Trevor

Jackson’s behavior went against all that
I
expected. By now he should
have moved on

most guys prob
ably would have,
but
Jackson wasn’t like most guys.
I
didn’t expe
ct him to still be there when I called.

I
n my lengthy commitment to free my heart from one man, my
heart was slowly opening up
to another. There was nothing I
coul
d do to stop it, and even if I could, I
wouldn’t.

Dating Jackson was simple. L
avish dinners at some expensive
five star restaurant, which we could easily afford, we
settled for quiet evenings at home, watching movies, or talking and laughing about things that pr
obably wouldn’t have made sense or seem funny
to anyone else. Since we
usually had busy weeks
,
most of our time spent together happened
on the weekends.
We made the most of whatever time we had.

Jacksonand I had a connection. There was a time I thought the love I once received from Kelvin was perfect. Now here I was with Jackson, who was all that Kelvin was not, and he was perfect still. I loved
the attention I got from Jackson
. I couldn’t believe I deprived myself of this feeling.

When the moment of intimacy arrived, Jackson’s tongue and han
ds were no strangers to my
body. It’s as if he had memori
zed everything that was pleased
m
e
. His tongue, hands, and his lips
performed as if they had met my body before.

“Are you enjoying t
his?” Jackson stopped and asked during one of our moments.

“Please don’t stop,
” I pleaded.

“I wasn’t planning on it,” Jackson answered with assurance. 

T
here were times I
could feel Jackson’s eyes piercing through the darkness, atte
mpting to see the passion in mine
.

“You know something?” Jackson a
sked, staring deep into my
eyes.

“What?” I cleared my
throat and responded.

“I can fall in
love with you,
”
Jackson disclosed, and his comment made me
smile.

“What’s stopping you?”
I asked as I
took J
ackson’s face in the palm of my
hands and kissed him passionate
ly, all the while thinking to
m
y
self,
I already love you
.

We
twisted and turned until I found
m
yself on top of Jackson. My
small
er
frame covered a little more than half of Jackson’s
tall, masculine, build.
Jackson w
rapped his hands around me and
gently pressed
his fingers in the small of my back, pulling my
body even closer.
I
obliged.

“Trevor,” Jackson called out.

“Yes.”

“What are you thinking right now?”

Jackson questioned with passion in his voice.

His question caught me
off
guard, and without thinking, I
responded. “I love you, Jackson Bradley.”

“Just the response I was looking for. I love you, too, Trevor. Trevor Harrison.”

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

My past was as colorful as a Matisse or Kandinsky painting. I have come across one person or another who thought an I-haven’t-forgotten-about-you message was supposed to make me all googlie-eyed. I have met those whose idea of a passionate night landed us in
front of “Motel 5” or “Super 7” on the border of “you’ve got to be crazy” and “is he serious”, and those who cursed my boldness to believe that, even at my young age, I was worth more. And then there was Kelvin. If my past was the haystack I had to endure to find my needle, then I was proud of my back-story.

Now a new day had come to find me with Jackson. I was staring into the ceiling, a broad smile on my face as I thought of
the night Jackson and I had. On
this morning, as early as it was, I looked good. My dark brown eyes beamed with satisfaction
;
with contentment. I had skin the color of light brown sugar. I sported neatly trimmed sideburns with mustache that connected to my beard in a perfect square, framing soft lips that Jackson took the pleasure kissing all night before falling asleep. My 5’11”, thinly muscled body stretched alongside Jackson’s as I thought about lying beside the love I almost lost. The rough I had to travel through had brought me to my diamond. I had everything, again.