Lessons of the Past (11 page)

My dad placed a hand over his chest. “Our girl still knows the way to my heart, Ruthanne.”

My mom and I both shook our heads at his comment and I strolled to the fridge. After filling three glasses with sweet tea, I walked back into the living room and placed the glasses on the coffee table.

“How is life back in Houston?” I asked.

“Hot,” my mom remarked.

“It’s finally starting to cool down here. What else is going on back home?”

My dad took a drink as my mom said, “Your dad ran into Aidan the other day.”

“Oh,” I said. “How is he?” I asked, though I didn’t really care. Aidan was an ass I should have never dated as long as I had. I shouldn’t have dated him at all, actually.

“Good. He’s back working for some corporation downtown. He told me the name, but I can’t remember for the life of me. He wouldn’t quit asking about you.”

I downed the last of my tea. “Well, I don’t care about him in the least. What I do care about is the fact that I’m starving. Y’all ready to go eat?”

My parents chose a Mexican restaurant we visited each time they were in town: Margarita’s. And since I had been craving chips and queso, I was more than willing to agree.

We sat down at a table located near an arched window with painted bricks surrounding it, giving a view of the other dining room. Once the hostess left, we all opened our menus, then promptly closed them. Every single time we visited Margarita’s, we all got the same thing: beef enchiladas. The only difference was I ordered extra sour cream.

“Will we be able to see Lane?” my mom asked.

“I don’t know,” I answered. “I can always text him tomorrow and ask.”

She smiled as the waiter placed a basket of chips and bowl of queso on the table. “I’d love to see him.”

“I need to see if he’s coming home anytime soon. Hunting season will be starting,” my dad said as he dunked a chip in queso.

I nodded as if I cared about hunting season. “I’ll see if he’s available to have lunch with us.”

The waiter took our food and drink orders and we chatted about school, old classmates, and anything random my mom remembered while nibbling on chips.

“Two margaritas and a Corona,” the waiter announced as he set our drinks in front of us. “Food will be out shortly.”

“Thanks,” we replied in unison.

My mom and I sipped our margaritas while my dad told us a funny story involving Rebecca, a car, and a goat.

Our food came and we continued talking. I had just taken a bite of enchilada covered in sour cream when I saw them through the arched window. My breathing stopped, my gut felt like it had been punched.

Javier was sitting at a table with his wife and daughter. His
family
. I couldn’t look away. I watched him talking to his daughter, watched them laugh. Watched as Amy placed her hand on his upper arm in a way that said they were intimate, not estranged.

He leaned across the table and said something else to Caroline and they both laughed again. The real kicker came when he grabbed Amy’s hand.

It was as if I was watching a train wreck.

Had he been playing me?

“Alex,” my mom’s voice snapped me out of my gawking.

I glanced in her direction. “Yeah?”

Her eyebrows bunched and my dad was staring at me as well. “Are you okay? You look pale.”

I smiled. “I’m fine. I thought I saw someone from one of my old classes, but I don’t think it was her.”

They both nodded, slowly, so I went on, “I promise. You know how it is when you haven’t seen someone in a while and you’re wondering whether it’s really them or someone else? It just turned out to be someone else.”
I wish.

“Okay,” my dad said, completely placated by my answer. My mom didn’t seem as convinced, but resumed eating. I forced myself to eat my food and participate in conversation, but with every passing moment, I felt like I was dying. I couldn’t get home fast enough.

***

Once my parents dropped me off at my apartment, I pulled my phone out of my purse and texted Javier.

Me: I’m really tired and not feeling well. I’m going to bed. I’ll just see you tomorrow.

He didn’t immediately text me back, but I didn’t expect him to. He was having a fun night with his family, which I was sure he would conclude by fucking his wife.

I climbed in the shower and let the hot water rush over my skin as I sank to the bottom of the tub. Under the spray of the water, sobs racked my body. The tears poured from my eyes, and I let all of my feelings free. I wanted,
needed
, Javier, but so did Caroline. I cried for our situation, and the hurt I felt while seeing him touch his wife.

The shower curtain zipped down the rod and Javier stood, staring at me. His eyes were flashing and he was breathing heavily, as if he had ran to my apartment. “Alexandria,” he said, bending to gather me in his arms. Water splashed on his shirt, the same shirt he’d been wearing at the restaurant.

He brushed my wet hair off my face as I stared at him, speechless. “What’s wrong? You tell me not to come over and you’re crying.”

“Javier…” I trailed off as a sob tore from my chest. I loved that he had come to me, but I hated it as well. I hated that I needed him. That he could tear me up on the inside.

He reached over and turned the water off, then lifted me in his arms. Setting me down on my feet, he grabbed a clean towel and dried me off. I was entranced by his movements—incapable of speaking.

Once he was satisfied with his work, he picked me up again and carried me to bed. “I’m going to make you some hot tea. You’re freezing.” He made sure I was completely covered by the sheet and comforter, then left the room.

I lay there and closed my eyes. My nerves felt shot, raw, and my heart was beating rapidly. I tried to control my breathing as more tears leaked from my eyes.

“Here,” Javier said as the bed dipped. I opened my eyes and was met with concern in his as he handed me the cup.

“Thanks,” I mumbled, grabbing the warm cup of tea. I took a sip and let the liquid slide down my throat and warm my insides. After savoring another swallow, I finally asked, “What are you doing here?”

“What am I doing here?” he asked, irritation lacing his voice. He grabbed the cup from my hands and placed it on the nightstand. “What I’m doing,” he responded, “is checking on my girlfriend.”

I closed my eyes at his sentiment, feeling calmer. “I told you I was tired and you shouldn’t come.”

“You also said you weren’t feeling well and I found you crying your eyes out. Tell me what’s wrong.”

“It’s nothing.”

Leaning his forehead against mine, he said, “Tell me. You wanted a relationship and you’ve got one. Fucking tell me what’s wrong.”

His choice of words ticked me off. “I’m sorry I pushed you into this. Don’t fucking worry about me and my problems.”

He gripped my upper arms, the same place
she
had touched him earlier. “Damn it, Alexandria. You know that isn’t what I meant! What I meant was…I’m your boyfriend. You’re supposed to lean on me, tell me your problems, and let me help you.”

A sob burst from my throat, causing more tears to rain down my face. I wasn’t exactly sure what had set it off, but it caused an explosion of feelings to escape. He pulled me closer to him, bracing me against his chest as he kissed my hair, over and over again.

Neither of us said anything else until I had finished crying. “Alexa—”

“I saw you with your family tonight,” I blurted, cutting him off. “It hurt.”

“Baby…I’m so sorry.”

“You…do you love her?” Was everything he had told me a lie?

“Of course I do,” he said, and my heart shattered as if struck by a bullet. “What kind of father would I be if I didn’t?”

I pulled away from him and got off the bed. I needed clothes. “What are you doing?” he asked, watching me walk toward my chest of drawers.

“Finding some clothes,” I replied, yanking open a drawer. I hated the fact that he was watching me. Hated that he was seeing me so exposed, inside and out. After finding an oversized sweatshirt and yoga pants, I put them on.

I stood next to the window and looked outside. I didn’t want to look at him, afraid I’d break again. “I had convinced myself you didn’t love her.”

“Wait,” he interrupted. “Are you talking about Amy?”

I spun around. “Of course I’m talking about Amy, your
wife
. I would never want you to feel anything but love for your daughter.”

“I’m so fucking confused right now.” He placed one hand on his hip, the other running through his hair. “I don’t love Amy. I…tolerate her. I fucking love you!”

I sucked in a breath and stared at him. His face was a mask of anger, yet his eyes were soft, confirming his words. He came closer and wrapped his arms around me. “I love you,” he repeated.

“Wow,” I breathed. In my heart, I knew I felt the same way, but I also needed to protect it. I couldn’t say it back. Leaning up on my tiptoes, I placed a gentle kiss on his lips.

He kissed me in-kind, once, then pulled back. “Tell me everything.”

I nodded and leaned my head against his hard, comforting chest. “I was having dinner with my parents and I saw the three of you. You were laughing and smiling, like a real family. Nothing like what I had imagined.” I took a deep breath and continued. “You and Amy…you were intimate with each other.”

“I can promise you we are not intimate with one another.”

“When was the last time you slept with her?” I asked, tilting my head to look him in the eyes. I hated asking the question, but I had to know. I couldn’t push these thoughts to the side any longer.

His eyebrows bunched. “Where are you going with this?”

“Just answer me.”

Running a hand through his hair and blowing out a breath, he thought over the answer. “Probably our first year of marriage. I don’t remember having sex with her after Caroline was born. We only shared the same bed for a few months.” His eyes flashed with irritation. “Enough for you?”

“And you’ve never cheated before me?”

“I’ve already told you, the answer is no!” He was pissed, but I didn’t care.

I backed away from him and found my cup of tea on the nightstand. It was cold, but I drank some anyway. “Tonight…she was touching you—touching your arm. And you held her hand.”

“Fuck,” he muttered. “We’ve agreed to keep up appearances for Caroline. We want her to have a normal childhood. I know one day she’ll catch on—her parents have separate bedrooms—but for now, we pretend.”

“Oh,” I said as he stalked toward me. “You don’t understand how hard this is for me. You get angry seeing me with Lane or Stephen, but I have to see you with your family. I can’t tell my friends or my family I have a boyfriend.”

“I know,” he agreed, gathering me in his arms and kissing my temple. “I know. We’ll figure it out, okay? We don’t have any other option but to figure it out.”

We stood holding each other for several minutes before I suggested we lay down and sleep. I didn’t know what to say, think, or feel. Everything inside me was shot, completely overloaded, and I had no idea what to do with it.

As we lay tangled together under the covers, I rested my head against his chest and listened to his heart. He had said he loved me. I believed him, but I still needed to decide if that was enough for me. Was him loving me enough to give everything else up?

He grabbed my hand and brought it to his mouth for a kiss. Then, he said, “I love you,” and I knew it was enough.

“That’s all for the day, class is dismissed,” Javier announced from the front of the classroom.

I packed up my things as slowly as possible, wanting to be the last to leave. Javier and I had been together for a while, but I still wasn’t over how sexy he looked while teaching a class. His clothes were always perfectly fitted, showing off his amazing body.

Noticing I was the only student left in the class, I strode toward Javier’s desk with a smile on my face. He smiled back, his eyes flashing. “Ms. Wilson.”

“Professor Rodriguez,” I purred.

“Do you have free time today to stop by my office? We need to go over your quiz.”

“What?”

Javier’s eyes glittered with affection as he grimaced. “Yeah, it wasn’t good, babe.”

“Shit,” I muttered. “I’m supposed to meet Emily this weekend in the math lab.”

He nodded and pursed his lips. “Any way you could make it to the tutoring session tomorrow night?”

“I have a class,” I said, reminding him for the millionth time.

“I know,” he glanced at his watch. “Just come by my office after your last class.”

“Okay,” I grumbled, then started walking away. “See you after four-thirty.”

“I love you.”

I smiled as I opened the door and left the classroom. I made it out the door when a thought occurred to me. I took my phone out and sent him a text.

Me: Why the hell didn’t you tell me about this over the weekend?

He didn’t reply and I headed toward my second class.

***

After class, I walked into the union to grab a bite to eat and found Courtney sitting across from Lane and another girl at a corner booth. I winced for Courtney as I strolled toward them. “Hey,” I said before Courtney slid over and I sat down. “What’s up?”

“Alex. This is Amy. Amy, Alex,” Lane introduced. Amy was pretty, with brown hair cut in a pixie style.

“Hi,” I said, stealing a fry off Courtney’s plate.

“Hey. So, you’re Alex.”

Courtney rolled her eyes and I stifled a laugh. “Yep. And you’re Amy.” It came out way ruder than I’d intended.

“Lane talks about you all the time. Both of you actually.”

“Funny, he’s never mentioned you,” Courtney remarked. My eyes rounded as I looked at her, but she just shrugged.

I looked toward Lane and mouthed, “sorry,” before saying, “So, anyway, what are y’all up to today?”

“Work,” Lane replied as Amy grinned at me, not saying anything. It was weird.

“Studying. You?” Courtney asked.

Groaning, I said, “I have one more class, then I have to stop by Professor Rodriguez’s office to discuss my grade. Apparently, I still suck at math.”