Let It Snow... (15 page)

She wrapped her arms around her middle and looked away from him. “You walked out of my life once before. Apparently it was easy for you. It nearly killed me. I don’t want to go through that again. I
can’t
...I
won’t
go through that again. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

He wasn’t sure, but he knew how desperate he felt not to let her go. “I think so.”

“Figure out why you didn’t call me when you knew you were done with Elsa.”

“Dammit, Trudie....” This time he did put his hands on her shoulders.

She shrugged off his touch. “Save it, Knox.”

He knew this mood. It was time to retreat and regroup. He had some things to figure out.

He whistled under his breath as he pulled out of her drive. She’d said lots of things, but she hadn’t said that she wanted him to leave her alone. He still stood a chance.

6

T
RUDIE
COCKED
her head to one side and adjusted the berries in the arrangement. “What do you think?” she asked Merrilee.

They were in the community center at the end of town. The chinked-log building would host many of the Chrismoose events from the cook-off to the Miss Chrismoose pageant. Five minutes ago it had been buzzing with people doing this and that, getting ready for tomorrow’s kickoff. Trudie had spent the afternoon putting together small arrangements for each table.

The scent of fresh greenery perfumed the air and clung to her hands. But it was the taste of Knox’s kiss that lingered on her lips, the press of his hardness between her thighs that left her aching and wanting and so confused she couldn’t think straight. She’d hoped to lose herself in work, but that hadn’t quite happened.

Merrilee and Trudie had the place to themselves now. No doubt, at any minute, someone would walk in the door.

Merrilee eyed Trudie. “I think you’re miserable. You want to talk about it? Of course it’s fine if you don’t.”

Trudie shrugged and stood, then walked over to the window. Lights from the makeshift camp at the outskirt of town punctuated the dark. She felt as if she was about to burst inside but if she started talking she wasn’t sure she could stop.

Merrilee spoke behind her. “Knox?”

Trudie turned to face the other woman. “Of course.” She paused at the table next to the window to tweak the spruce branch around the votive candle to a better angle.

“You know whatever you want or need to talk about won’t go any further than here.” For the most part news spread around Good Riddance like butter in a hot skillet. Trudie did know, however, that Merrilee could keep a confidence.

Merrilee had known both Knox and her since they were children, but she wasn’t family and she wasn’t one of Trudie’s personal girlfriends. She was more of a neutral friend.

Trudie sank into the chair opposite Merrilee and it was like ice breaking on the river during a spring thaw. The words and emotions tumbled out of her. All of it—the hurt, the abandonment, the betrayal, the anger...and the fear.

Merrilee touched the back of her hand lightly. “Oh, honey, I’ve watched the two of you over the years and I’ve known you were in love with him for a long time.”

“You did? How could you know when I didn’t?”

“Sometimes we’re too close to our own situation to see it clearly.”

“That’s a little mortifying. I’m sure half the town knows, too. So, is everyone watching to see if I’m broken-hearted over Knox and Elsa?”

Merrilee offered an eyebrow shrug. “I’m not going to lie—of course people talk but it really doesn’t matter, does it?” Trudie didn’t suppose that it did. “The most important person is totally unaware. Knox doesn’t seem to know.”

“Knox is an idiot,” Trudie said, giving vent to her frustration. “And the worst of it is, I still love him. I’m still in love with him.”

It was such a relief to just say it, to throw it out there. She hadn’t been able to talk about her relationship with Knox to her mother because her mother was already worried about him. Trudie didn’t need her mother worrying about her as well. And all of Trudie’s friends were beyond disgusted with him over the way he’d fallen for Elsa’s cool beauty and dumped his friendship with Trudie. She’d learned to keep her mouth shut around them when it came to her feelings for him. They’d told her repeatedly she needed to get over him and move on. They said she deserved better if he couldn’t recognize what a jewel she was. She had the feeling, however, that Merrilee would understand in a way her friends didn’t. Merrilee had lived a lot longer.

“I don’t know how to
not
love him. It’s not like it’s some spigot you can just turn off and on.”

“Truer words were never spoken. Love can be both a curse and a blessing, can’t it?”

“I’m not seeing much blessing here.” She shook her head. Her feelings seemed so helplessly out of her control. “I’m angry and I don’t want to be hurt like that again. He just walked away from me, from our friendship. If we take it further now and he pulls away again...I don’t know how I’ll survive.” How much could a woman take? She didn’t want to be put to the test. “And he broke up with Elsa and didn’t even call me. All this time, I blamed Elsa, even though Knox always had a choice. We all have choices, but it was easier to blame her. But he didn’t call me,” she repeated, “even when they broke up.”

Merrilee didn’t hesitate. “He’s embarrassed.”

Trudie considered Merrilee’s assessment for a second, pursing her lips. She wasn’t seeing it. “He doesn’t seem embarrassed. He just wants to act like the last year and a half never happened—let’s just sweep it under the rug.”

Merrilee made a noise that sounded suspiciously like a snort. “Of course he wants to sweep it under the rug. He was hurting—he was grieving—and he hurt you. Why would he want to talk about it? Trust me on this. And as you just said, everyone has choices. So, look at your choices and make one.”

“I’m—” Trudie faltered.

“Scared,” Merrilee finished for her.

“Yes.”

“That’s because love is scary territory. It’s not easy. It’s complicated and simple all at the same time.” The older woman gave a sage nod. “And with or without it, life steamrollers on. Regardless of which choice you make, you’re still going to wake up tomorrow. Chrismoose is still going to unfold. You’ll still have your job, unless you choose to do something different. Whether that life includes Knox in it or not, well, that seems to be your choice. Decide whether your life is better with him or without him, but...”

“There’s always a but, isn’t there?”

“Life is all about the buts, sweetie. And the but here is you can let Knox back into your life, definitely your choice, but the only thing you can control is you. You can lay ground rules but you know there’s no guarantee.”

“What if we sleep together and it’s awful?”

Merrilee laughed. “Do you really think it’s going to be awful?”

Trudie knew she was grasping at straws. Kissing Knox was unlike kissing anyone else. It had been fireworks and shooting stars and magic—both times. It had been even better than she’d imagined. How would kissing anyone else ever measure up? And if that’s what kissing was like, making love with him would probably totally ruin her for any other man. “Uh, no, I don’t really think so.”

“Honey, I don’t think so either. But if it is, then it is. What’s worse, the experience being awful or just never knowing and spinning out some what-if or if-only fantasy?” Merrilee summed it up. “You love him.”

“I do, but I’m afraid to trust him emotionally.”

“I don’t know what to tell you about that except he’s not the kind of guy who would deliberately hurt you. It would simply be ignorance on his part, not callousness.”

“I don’t know. He’s seemed pretty callous the last year and a half.”

“I think he was numb.” Trudie’s face must have reflected her skepticism. Merrilee smiled. “And no, I’m not taking up for him. Everyone grieves differently. I think Knox was so drowning in grief he didn’t know what to do.”

That especially made no sense to Trudie. “But I was his best friend. Why didn’t he talk to me?” She realized that was a huge part of the betrayal. Why hadn’t he confided in her, sought comfort and solace in her rather than pushing her away?

“I think that was precisely the problem. I think it was so raw and painful he didn’t want to talk about it or think about it, and if he was with you, he almost had to. You were part of his history with Mormor and I’m sure being around you dredged up lots of memories and emotions. He probably wasn’t ready to deal with any of it, so it was easier to simply walk away.”

Trudie listened. It was so different from what she’d thought for some time now. “But it’s almost as if Elsa had him under a spell....”

“You’ve got to keep looking for him, Trudie. Knox is still in there, you just have to keep looking.”

* * *

K
NOX
SQUARED
his shoulders outside the spa at the end of town. The place hadn’t been here the last time he was in town. He was entering foreign territory but a man had to do what a man had to do. He opened the door and stepped inside.

“How can I help you?” A pretty blonde woman who bore a very startling resemblance to a Barbie doll sat behind the reception desk.

The place was nice. A waterfall cascaded behind the desk. The quiet, soothing notes of native flute music interspersed with the sounds of birds drifted on the air, imparting a sense of tranquility.

The name on the front of the woman’s “lab coat” read Jenna.

“Hi, Jenna. I need a gift. Actually, I need several gifts.”

“Sure. I can help you with that.” She moved from behind the counter and led him to a display case. “How personal do you want it? Something generic like hand soap or something a little more personal like bath salts?”

Hell if he knew. “Uh...”

She laughed. “Okay, let’s start here—girlfriend, sister or mother?”

And that question was supposed to make it easier? Trudie wasn’t his sister or his mother, but he didn’t know exactly what she was or wasn’t in the other regards at this point. “She’s not my mother or my sister, and I’m not sure about the girlfriend business. I guess that’s why I need the presents.”

She smiled encouragingly, understanding glinting in her eyes. Knox wavered. He’d love to talk to another woman about Trudie, but he’d agreed to keep his status with Elsa quiet. He made a split decision. He’d put Elsa and her dictates ahead of Trudie for the last time. There was no dishonor in him escorting Elsa as a platonic friend. It was certainly a more honest presentation of what they were.

“We were friends and I never really saw her as anything more than that. We drifted apart but now I want to be friends again, no...I want to be more than friends. The problem is she’s pretty unhappy about the last year and a half...”

“Ah. You must be Knox Whitaker.”

He’d known when he started yapping that he was in a small town where nothing stayed quiet long, so he was only mildly disconcerted that she’d “made” him so immediately. “Yeah, I am.”

A woman he didn’t recognize walked in. “Excuse me,” Jenna said to Knox. “I’ll be right back.” She greeted the woman with a big, genuine smile. “Lola Dane?”

“That’s me.”

“Come right on back. We’re ready for you.” Jenna led the woman down the hall but within a minute or two she returned.

“Okay. So...where were we? Gifts for a friend who used to be a friend and isn’t happy with you.” She laughed. “I take it this isn’t for Elsa.”

Elsa had had a session at the spa either today or yesterday. He wasn’t particularly keeping up with her schedule. “Uh...no.”

“Trudie Brown?”

In another place he might’ve resented the prying, but hey, this was Good Riddance, so what did it matter?

“Yeah, it’s for Trudie. We’ve always given one another little gifts each day until Christmas. It started when we were kids with that ‘Twelve Days of Christmas’ song. We were apart last year. Now we’re both here but I don’t have anything for her. I need twelve gifts.”

Jenna nodded. “What’s her favorite color? Her favorite scent?”

“Her favorite color is blue. She’s a florist, so she likes flower scents, particularly roses, and her favorite color of rose is that sort of orange/yellow one.”

“Well, that makes sense, huh? Okay, give me a minute.”

Jenna began pulling things off the shelves. When she had a little pile she turned to him. “What do you think? We could wrap them individually. A candle, bath salts, relaxing flute music, a scented lotion, bath mitt, rose essential oil, and a skin-care kit. I keep some spa robes in the back, and of course, we offer gift certificates. And because we cater to women, we also carry a line of chocolates. And I have some hand-crafted jewelry.”

“That all sounds great. I’d like to see the jewelry.”

“Absolutely.”

She led him to a display case on the opposite wall. He didn’t know much about jewelry but it looked like nice stuff. There was native beading and a selection of necklaces, bracelets and earrings crafted in metals. He was more drawn to the metals.

In particular a ring caught his eye. It was a wide band with a flower bloom on top. The bloom was delicate, ready to unfurl. It made him want to watch its progression. He immediately thought of Trudie.

“I’d like to take a closer look at that,” he said, pointing to the ring.

“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Jenna took it out, eyeing it.

He held the ring between two fingers. It was well crafted. He’d even go so far as to say exquisite.

He handed it back to Jenna. “I’ll take it. And if you can throw in a gift certificate for the works. And wrap up one of those robes you were talking about.”

“You want to wait or you want to drop by later to pick it up? It’ll take a little bit to wrap it all individually.”

“I’ll come back in...what do you think, maybe an hour?”

“That works. Do you want sticky notes for what’s in each box or does it matter?”

“How about I number them and then you can just put the number on the back of the box?”

“Okey dokey.”

Within a few minutes he’d assigned each item a number.

Jenna nodded, offering him an approving smile. “She’ll love all of it.”

He was counting on that...but mostly he wanted her to know how much she meant to him...although he wasn’t altogether sure that he knew himself. He did, however, know she meant a lot.

Now that she’d been out of his life, he realized how much better it was with Trudie in it.