Let Me Go (36 page)

“I don’t want to; you’re the one I want to be with.” His voice quivers. “I love you,” he whispers.

I close my eyes as water drops spill. “You have no idea what those words mean.” I press my lips to his. We don’t devour each other’s. Instead it’s just a loving press of our love. “Go.”

I unlink his arms from my waist as my eyes catch a bus stopping along the curb. I jog over and sneak through before he can catch me. As the bus drives away, Rob’s head is buried in his hands.

All the shitty things I’ve experienced in my life. This is by far the worst. Watching him hurt only stabs my own heart, but he’s ignored his feeling of abandonment too long. Carly returning is some horrible twist of fate and neither one of us can ignore it. No matter how miserable it makes either of us. My only hope is that this pull we both feel toward one another is strong enough and he’ll be coming back for me. God, I hope so.

I IMAGINE A
line zig zagging down my heart as I watch the bus drive away. As hard is it hurts and as much as I fought it, Paige had a point I didn’t want to admit. Carly doesn’t seem to want to give up either, hence a Texas number flashed across my phone on the way here.

Rising to my feet, I inhale a deep breath. If Paige wants me to heal my past, I’m doing it right fucking now because it will only get me back to her faster. So, I fire up a text message to Carly.

Me: You back in Mill River?

Carly: Oh good to hear from you.

Me: yes or no

Carly: yes

Me: 2 hours, meet me there.

Carly: ( :

I wish I had her damn phone to erase the smiley face. What the hell does she think? That she can keep screwing with my life. Fuck her. My fist slams into the steering wheel.

After two hours and my mind racing on what exactly I’m going to say to the girl who deserted me five years ago, I pass the damn Mill River sign with the fucking quaint downtown painting that only irks me. Driving through the gates that use to bring butterflies to my stomach because Carly and I would disappear here for hours in high school. The sun is beginning its descent down past the trees signaling we only have an hour before the park ranger will kick us out.

Driving around to our old spot, another car is parked with the lights off. My stomach twists in knots since I’m certain it’s her. I park right next to it and she hops out. By the time I exit my car, she’s out of hers, running over to me and throwing her arms around my neck.

“I knew you wouldn’t be able to stay away.” Her nose sniffs me like a dog to its owner and I wish having her in my arms didn’t remind me of all those good times. Didn’t force memories of her body in my hands and her hair tickling my skin. The harder I try to forget, the more recollections occur.

“No.” I guide her arms back down to her side.

She juts out her hip and places a pouty expression on her face. “Robbie.” Her shoulders fall and guilt me that I shouldn’t be mean. Remember what we went through, how I killed her father.

“I’m back,” she whispers.

“What do you want me to do, jump for fucking joy?”

I begin to walk the path and her footsteps crunch on the gravel behind me. “Robbie. I want to work this out.” She catches up to me, swinging her arm through mine.

I sidestep her. “I’m with Paige.” My voice loses my conviction and in the instant I understand why Paige wanted me to do this.

“She seems nice, but—”

“But what? You come running so I should just drop her and we can start where we ended?”

She stops walking and her eyes cast down. I fight the regret from talking so meanly to her. When she steps closer and her finger trails down my stomach like she always did, I only get madder. “It’s me. Remember the shooting star? The wish you made.”

“I was fourteen, Carly. Just because I was some insecure freshman who had a crush on you doesn’t mean that some shooting star is what made you want to date me.” I hate how I’ve used that as a crutch these last five years too. That because she kissed me that night I wished for it on the shooting star. She ruined that romantic notion the minute she fled to California.

“It means something. We’re fated, Robbie.”

I trudge down the path.

“Do you have any idea how horrible it was for me after you left?”

“Do you think it was a picnic for me? I mean he was my dad, Robbie. I was responsible for my dad’s death. I couldn’t stay here and see my family’s sad eyes.”

“I took the blame. They had no idea what we were doing in the car. Everyone assumed I drove recklessly.” I fight her excuse. The town wanted to throw me to the wolves and console her. I should have been the one who left, not her, but I stayed because she needed me.

“I felt guilt for that, too.” She moves over to a picnic table, sitting on top of it. “All the nastiness people were spouting about you and you just took it. Never telling the whole story.”

I sit up to join her and she tries to lay her hand on my leg but I swing it away. Her touch doesn’t excite me anymore. There’s only one person who does and she’s not here.

“I wanted us to go through it together, but you just deserted me. You left me to fend for myself. No one stood by my side except for my parents. You changed your number; none of your family talked to me let alone gave me your new number.”

“I’m sorry. I just lost myself and I didn’t know how to come back. My mom’s whimpering at night, Xavier fighting everyone who looked at him the wrong way, and poor Nora, she just kept asking why. I couldn’t handle it.” Her heartfelt words do heal me slightly; they at least diminish the anger.

“Are you?” I tilt my head in her direction. “How could you come back here and just think I’d welcome you back?”

She shrugs her shoulders. “Because I love you and I believe in what we had.”

“What was that, Carly? What did we have?”

Her mouth hangs open like she can’t believe I’m asking. “An intense love. We couldn’t keep our hands or mouths off each other. Remember the car rides, the parties.” She smacks the wood. “This picnic table saw our naked asses quite a few times.”

“It sounds more like an intense lust,” I mumble.

“We were teenagers; of course we were all over each other.” She scoots closer and I don’t pull away this time. She misses mentioning the small notes of promise and love I would leave in her locker. How I would get up early and drive ten minutes out of my way to pick her up for school and then drive her back home. The numerous times Coach Turner made me run laps for being late to practice because I did a favor for her. I did those things because I loved her.

“What about actual love, Carly?”

“You know I loved you.” She peers down at me. “You do remember, right?”

For the life of me in this moment, I don’t. I’ve put her on a pedestal so long, I forgot about the fights. The constant arguing about some girl who approached me, or the fact I didn’t go above and beyond to get her what she wanted. The times I sat outside her house to catch her and convince her to stop giving me the silent treatment.

Our attraction was clear, and the make-up sex was out of this world. But, now that I’ve experienced Paige, I realize, Carly and I weren’t that much in love.

“Can I ask you a question?”

She nods.

“Have you dated other people in California?”

“Of course. You have, too. I heard about you coming back on Thanksgiving with some blonde. Obviously, it wasn’t your most recent girl.”

“Her name is Paige,” I remind her through clenched teeth.

“How many have you dated?”

She releases an exasperated breath. “I don’t know . . . maybe ten.”

I shake my head and huff. “Ten.” I repeat and stare over at her.

“I’ve dated two and each one I’ve almost fucked up because of us. Actually because of you.”

“You can’t blame me for not having a successful relationship.”

Not able to be so close to her, I stand up. “You fucked with my mind. You still do. I’m finally at peace with the past and believe that someone won’t leave me. You decide now to come back, showing up a half hour after I told Paige I loved her. What Paige and I have . . . is more than we ever had. You screwed with me long enough, Carly.”

“Look Rob, you came. You came back here for me, so that means something.”

A loud growl escapes my lips. “You know why I’m here? Because Paige made me and because I love her, I agreed.”

“Why would she ask you to come back to me?” She’s as confused as I was in that parking lot, but as I worked through it on the drive down, I saw where Paige was coming from.

“Because she loves me.”

“Um . . . I hate to break it to you, but why would she push you into another girls arms.”

I don’t want to repeat myself. Carly will never understand Paige’s request because I failed to remember one flaw of Carly’s. She’s selfish beyond her own control. She’s fierce when she goes after what she wants and I guarantee, her and Nora set the hospital thing up. Purposely separating us and Nora chirping in Paige’s ear. The longer I’m figuring out how they worked together and hurt Paige the angrier I’m becoming.

“Paige loves me and you know how I know that?”

She rolls her eyes, but it’s my time to speak my mind. She’s controlled me too long.

“She wants me to be happy whether that means with her or not. She sent me here to make peace with my past. She took a chance in losing me, just so I can do what I want in the future. When you left, you never gave a second glance back to me. You didn’t give a shit about where I was, how I was doing. Shit, Carly, can’t you see how fucked up that is? You left me at the worst possible time. How is that love?”

“I was grieving, Rob. We killed my father,” she screams and her head falls into her hands as sobs escape her.

I rush over and kneel in front of her. “I’m sorry, Carly. I truly am sorry for that accident. I’ve relived it a million times, figuring out how things could have gone, but I can’t change the past. I’ve been through five years of therapy, just to figure out that I want a future. I don’t want to live in the past.”

She picks up her head and I swipe the wet streaks from her cheeks. “You want to know why I know what Paige and I have is different?”

“Not really.”

“Well, I’m going to tell you anyway, because you don’t really love me. I’m happy just holding her. The smell of her, and the fact the minute I walk in the door and she’s there, my body calms and a serenity comes over me that we’re together. If I’m somewhere and see something funny or crazy, she’s the first person I want to call and laugh with. She’s always first on my mind and right now she’s back at our house thinking she’s second best in my eyes.”

She blankly stares at me. I’m only wasting my breath. My hope is one day she’ll realize what she’s missing when she finds her person.

“I can’t have that, so, I’m going to leave. I’m sorry Carly and you’ve haunted my memory for a long time, but it’s time I move forward . . . with Paige.” I tighten my hands on top of hers.

“Walk me to my car.” She’s ignored my whole spiel, but I stand up and offer my hand.

We exit the park hand in hand to the cars. The moon shines down on the gravel path with trees on either side of us. This is our spot, the one we snuck off to for quickies and to escape our worries.

“I hope you’re happy,” she mumbles and I tighten my hand in hers.

“I will be.” I’m confident that Paige and I are the ones meant to be here. Not the other way around.

Once we get to the car, she opens her car door and I wrap my arms around her small frame. “I hope you find your happiness.”

“Me too.” When I draw back there’s a small smile on her face.

I back away, sliding behind her car to mine.

“Rob!” she calls out as I open my car door.

I turn to face her.

“I really am sorry. I should have stayed. It was wrong to leave you.” Her words score right to my heart and a new calmness washes through me.