Let Me Tell You Something (5 page)

I can count on one hand the times I've stooped to confrontation on the show: I lost my temper during the first-season finale, when Danielle started attacking my family. I hated myself for getting sucked into it, but out of loyalty to myself and my family, I had to speak up. The second time was when I agreed to meet with Danielle in season two. At that meeting, as tensions rose, I called her a clown. To this day, even though “clown” is hardly the worst thing you could call someone, I regret that choice of words. I don't like to hurt people but I'm not a coward. If something needs to be addressed, I prefer to do it without name-calling. Danielle pushed and pushed at that meeting and I called her a clown, and it hurt her. I felt horrible.

The third confrontation was this past season on the show. I was forced into confrontations by Teresa over what she wrote about me in her book. This is the
first
time anyone has seen me gun for Teresa, but I was actually done with her in season two. We were not friends before the show started, so I didn't see any point to try to salvage a relationship that I never had. We're not friends, we're not enemies, we're cast mates. How do you feel about everyone at your work? Some people you want to hang out with, some people you don't want to hang out with. That's how it is on our show. Sometimes, we're just together for work.

Whatever I've gone through with this show, and whatever the future seasons have in store for me, I know that my kids and my grandkids will always be able to watch the show and see me doing the right thing.

You have to understand that on our television show, we shoot thousands and thousands of hours of tape. This gets boiled down to forty-five-minute episodes, and each of the five or six women has a story line. Only a fraction of what they film makes it onto the air. A five-hour event makes for a two-minute segment of the show. The camera doesn't lie, but quite often my motivation ends up on the cutting-room floor. We've had scenes that were so funny that the cameramen dropped their cameras they were laughing so hard. But those scenes aren't what the public wants to see. I wish people wanted to watch us getting along and having fun, but viewers are much more likely to tune in to a train wreck.

I sometimes miss the way things were during the first season of the show, when it was all laughing and talk of “bubbies.” Almost every scene we shot was amusing to us. I miss the fun of the first season. These days, in many scenes, you can tell by my body language that I don't want to be sitting in the middle of that bullshit. My shoulders are slumped and I've got a real puss on my face. You didn't see that look on my face during the first season.

But let's face it—our show wouldn't have ever grown into what it became if we hadn't discovered that scandal about Danielle Staub in season one. Had Teresa not flipped that table, we would never have been as big as we are. That whole drama ultimately set the benchmark for the series, and that makes me sad, because in the season leading up to that, we had fun. The show was almost a comedy at times. And these days I think the show could be so much more; it could be life lessons sprinkled with good humor and heart­break.

I went through some stinging betrayals on this show. They were devastating to go through in my life and it was devastating to watch them on TV.
Housewives
is not scripted, it's not set up. The things you watch on TV actually happened in my real life and I have to deal with them long after the cameras stop rolling.

It's not that I don't like being on the show. It's just that there are parts that are very hard at times. But I am loyal to the show, I signed up for it, and I honor my commitments. Loyalty is important to me. It means the world to me that your loyalty to my TV show has brought you to my book, and you've read this far. When I hear from a viewer that I've helped her in a positive way, it lets me know that being loyal to myself is the most important thing I can do.

Breakfast, lunch, or dinner:
pick one meal a day to
have with your family.

It's so important to have a meal with your family every day. That's the time you reconnect. Put your BlackBerry down, put your iPad down, and give your family your undivided attention.

I know we're all busy these days, so I'm not talking about a formal sit-down dinner at the table. You can eat around the kitchen island, you can stand or you can sit, you can even go to McDonald's. The main thing is that at least one meal a day isn't rushed, or eaten on the go. You take the time out of your day and you connect with whoever is around. It's about a shared experience that's fun and pleasurable for everyone.

Al worked so much that he was never home for dinner with us. There was a time when for a few months he would try to make it home early, but it just made his day crazier. So the solution was for me to take the kids down to The Brownstone and we'd eat dinner at his desk. A couple times, we had Easter Sunday dinner with the kids at his desk.

It doesn't matter where you eat, as long as you're together.

It also doesn't matter what you eat. You can serve a peanut butter sandwich and still have a great conversation. The best meal that I made for the kids was also the simplest: star soup and a grilled cheese sandwich. Star Soup is so easy—it's chicken broth with pastina in it. Salt, pepper, cheese. You serve it with grilled cheese on toast or on English muffins. The whole meal for the three kids probably cost under seven dollars and takes five minutes to make. And it's still one of their favorite dishes. Whenever Christopher comes over, one of the first things he'll say will be “Mom, Star Soup?” Even if it's one in the morning, he'll ask and I'll make it. It's a great-stick-to-your-ribs meal, and kids love it.

Our family always prioritized these family dinners. Even with the challenges of Al's demanding job. But now, after thirty years of marriage, I can tell you that these meals became the glue that held us together and kept us connected.

If your husband is a workaholic who's never home, or if you're the one with the crazy schedule, you're going to find the family meal difficult at first. Be prepared to eat whenever you can—if it's breakfast at 5:00
AM
or dinner at 3:00
AM
, it can be done. Being tired all day is a small price to pay for showing someone you love them, and getting to hear about what's going on in their life.

I know that life is speeding up for all of us. We're bombarded from the minute we wake up—from our families, our friends, the TV, and all the social media we didn't even dream of ten years ago. That's why it's more necessary than ever to drop out of that madness completely, just for a half hour, once a day. You'll learn more important stuff in that half hour with your kid or husband than if you spent the whole day on Facebook.

Everybody eat! Food is love.

In my life, everything revolves around food. Whether somebody is born or has just died, gotten engaged or divorced, the first thing I think is, “Want me to bring food over?”

If somebody is upset, I'll make them cookies. If it's cold outside, I'll make soup.

Now that the kids are out of the house, I don't cook as much as I used to. The boys aren't home anymore, and Lauren has the store, so there's no point. I've cooked enough in my life for a growing family that these days I don't feel like cooking for myself when it's just me. I'm not sad about the change. Lauren and I still cook together when she's home, and I still have to cook for enough family events, so I continue to do my time in the kitchen. And I love it. It's one of the most satisfying things in my life, to be able to cook something special for the people I love and then watch them enjoy it.