Let Your Heart Drive (17 page)

“If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl,

but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.”

–Martin Luther King Jr.

The TV rolls
out a sing-along tune from the Little Mermaid and I sit next to Trey’s niece. “Hi Faith,” I offer and add softly, “I’m Sin.”

She doesn’t peer up to me, she carries on with a silver spoon, spinning it like it’s a silver top. Over and over she twirls it mesmerized at its oscillating motion. I don’t get the sense she’s trying to ignore me, and I’m actually amazed at how effortless she makes it look. Lying on the couch beside her is a tattered, plush grey mouse with a pink nose and beady black eyes.

The spoon falls off the cushion, she wiggles her tiny toddler fingers and peers downward. Not uttering a word. Again I’m not feeling she’s trying to evade me, but I am getting the vibe something’s amiss.

“You want me to grab your spoon, Faith?” I ask as I scoot off the couch. I have yet to make eye to eye contact with her, so I seat myself down on the floor. I prop an arm on the cushion and swim the spoon up, up, and up pretending it’s surging through water. When I have the spoon right at my nose I smile and hope I catch hers too.

But her face doesn’t show hardly any emotion, except her eyes, they shine with need. She may not voice it, but I see the glimpse of little girl hemmed inside, she’s not trapped. It’s as if she’s content with just her and her spoon and with that minute hint I hand her back the silver spoon.

I comment as she grips the handle and then dips her tiny finger in the hollow part and starts to twirl it, “Maybe someday I’ll be as good as you are? Do you want to show me how you do that?” She’s as quiet as her stuffed mouse and I sit just as silently watching her. Trey and his sister haul in groceries, someone drops a can of something and Faith never even flinches. Not even a noticeable glance up, she remains silent and spins and spins and spins.

My mind starts to tick off things like—
is she deaf, can she not hear?
But I’m thrown back into a totally different matter, I can hear Melanie’s tone as she complains to Trey. Whatever it is it’s not good. 

A few moments pass and Trey accompanies us.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” I return eyeing him as he adjusts his hat back on.

“I’m going to check on the new baler, a friend of ours Jacob, dropped it off earlier today, all right?”

I nod and quip back, “Do you need a petition for a new tractor too, because I’ll be happy to sign it.”

He tips his hat at me with a grin and replies, “I’ll definitely keep that in mind.”

Once I hear the backdoor close and I make sure Faith is okay with her spoon, I wander into the kitchen. Melanie’s still digging out canned goods and sacks of flour. She’s far more systemized than I am in the kitchen.

“There’s sweetened tea in the fridge over there,” she voices stacking cans of corn on a shelf.

“Thanks, is there anything I can do to help?” I ask, testing the waters. She’s just like her striking brown-eyed daughter, who hasn’t really looked at me. But I think there’s two different reasons as to why. I sensibly pace my way trying to figure out which cabinet will have glasses or cups, Melanie breaks away from unloading things and grudgingly snags a glass from the cabinet right above me.

“Ice is in the freezer.”

She states it like I’m a convict, maybe in her mind I am, but I haven’t given her any reason to be so cold to me. I fill my glass with ice and tea and quickly quench my drying mouth.

“He doesn’t bring women like you here, you know that right?”

Women like me? What’s that supposed to mean?
I almost choke on a piece of ice and recover without any attention drawn to me. Her back still faces me as she keeps her tone low.

“Trey’s the driving force of this family, he doesn’t have time for trouble or…” She darts the dirtiest glare over her shoulder at me and continues, “Someone to complicate his life.”

I’m dumbfounded and completely thrown for a loop. Is this her normal greeting for the girls Trey brings home? I’m so shocked I can’t even articulate one word. Maybe Trey and I have a lot more in common than I originally thought—overbearing siblings—
check
. But deep down I don’t think Chelsea would ever come off as the intimidator, that’s Dad’s job.

Melanie turns, and sets a bowl of apples on the counter and pointedly stares at me.

And in return I pointedly drain my sweetened tea with the arctic ice cubes and do everything I can not to come off sounding sarcastic and say, “That was really great tea, thank you.”

Her mouth opens just on the cusp of another cautionary note when Trey waltzes in. After they discuss repaired balers, new balers, hay, and feeding time for the next day, he asks if I’m ready to go.

He doesn’t have to ask me twice.

-

On the way back into town I check my cell phone and text Chelsea back.

Did you get some from Mr. Bar room brawler? –Chelsea

Not exactly.

What? Did you forget how? –Chelsea

Yeah, I forgot how, I’m not wearing my granny panties today.

You don’t own granny panties. –Chelsea

You’re so right, and I bet you think that’s why I didn’t get any.

Statistically you should’ve gotten some by now. –Chelsea

Your statistics suck.

I end on that note and shove my phone out of sight. Trey drives with a hand relaxed over the wheel, every so often he slips a glimpse my way. His curiousness appeals to me, but there’s no way I’m going to confess what my sister and I were just texting.

“Do you have plans for next weekend?” he questions as we pass over a bridge, the sun sets to the west of us and I can’t take my eyes away. A splash of tenacious yellows and gold melts the sky and the sun looks like a super vortex from another world. It hangs so close I feel like I can reach out and touch it, and then I push a button and let the window slowly disappear.

I stretch my hand out and play with the evening wind as it sails through my outstretched fingers. Trey laughs and I finally answer, “No.”

“You want to learn how to ride or how to dance?”

Fear slightly nudges me and I shove it aside. “Both.”

I think about what his sister had said and then I think about Faith, how do I ask about her? I tear my eyes away from the scene and announce, “Your niece is really, really cute, she’s going to have you wrapped around her little finger.”

He smiles. “She already does.” His tone becomes sober and I feel he wants to add something. The melody from his radio hymns out a slower, heavy hearted song and then Trey inhales a deep breath and says, “Faith, has autism. She was diagnosed a few months ago. Melanie and I both thought she had some sort of hearing problems and when my sister finally received the diagnosis she really had a hard time with it.”

“What about Faith’s Dad? Can he, would he help out?” I pry knowing I have no business asking such personal questions. But it would help explain some of the animosity built up inside her, and why Trey is so important to her and to Faith.

He studies me long and hard before he replies, “Let’s just say he wasn’t the type to be a family man. He thought he was, but he liked roaming the bars more so than being home. I don’t know why some guys are like that and I don’t really care. I just made sure he’d never come around and break my sister’s heart ever again.”

“So he’s not some decomposed body floating around in some river, is he?” I smirk and watch his expression change. The darkness lifts and he shakes his head as if he can’t believe I’d go there. “My dad had some really bizarre stories I would overhear, some I’ll never ever forget.”

He rubs his chin thoughtfully and smirks back. “I thought you already checked my background?” 

I fake a hurt expression with both brows severely creased and tap my chest. “I didn’t stalk your background, I swear.”

“
Right
.”

My heart inhales right along with me, I feel nothing but love when I’m with him and I never want it to end.

“So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.”

–T. S. Eliot

The week is
made up of research, meditation, and hoarding junk food. I had no experience with autism, the only person that Chelsea knew was one of her yoga students, a mother who has a son with it, Benjamin, and I think she said he was twelve. I scan a few websites for toys, safe toys for children around Faith’s age and found some light-up bouncing tops and bright colorful spinning tops. The site said they were sensory toys that helped provide visual stimulation. I buy whatever I can and hope they don’t take two weeks to get here.

By Saturday I’m a balled up mess, I can’t decide whether to wear shorts or jeans. I stand in front of Chelsea’s floor length mirror switching between the two. Chelsea clears her throat and hands me a hanger, urging me to go with a maroon dress.

I grasp it, giving it a once over and remind her, “I’m going horseback riding, Chelsea.”

“But he said he’s taking you dancing too,” she chides with a hand on her hip. She’s way too excited about this date, I think in way she’s living vicariously through me today. I don’t blame her I would much rather hang out with Trey than clean the house.

I inspect the dress, it’s pretty, but I don’t think it’ll work.

“Okay, try this…” she says as she snags something from her closet. “Do you still have those boots from last Christmas?”

While she’s rummaging I slip on a pair of jeans and tug on a soft beige buttonless cardigan over my white T-shirt. I sit on the edge of the bed and ease my feet into my favorite grunge plaid Keds.

“I gave them away, besides Chelsea, I already feel nervous just breathing around him. I just want to feel somewhat comfortable.”

She spins around with a handful of clothes and immediately chunks them behind her.

“Why do I even bother, Sin?”

-

Trey picks me up an hour later, I briefly introduce him to Chelsea. Brett and Garrett are at the park, and surprisingly, my sister behaves, no ogling or appraising him. Not observable to him anyway. During our ride out to the ranch Trey asks about Chelsea and her career choice.

“A yoga instructor?”

I nod and hold my hands out like I’m in a meditative state. “It’s been something she’s enjoyed doing for quite a while now. She’s a great instructor, but aside from me being a paid groupie in her classes at the fitness club. I’ve really tried getting into it, you know, the whole inner peace and positioning thing.”

“So you do the meditating too?”

I lift a shoulder slightly and retort, “Sort of.”

He fine-tunes his coal black baseball cap over the edge of his dark eyes a bit and cocks a sexy grin. “I just might need you to teach me,
sort of
.”

I glance out of the window, hiding my smile. “Oh, you don’t want to learn how to
sort of
or any other way, because I’m starting to think it’s strictly for the enlightened minds,” I tease.

“Well enlighten me,” he says and reaches his hand out across the seat. His palm open, waiting, offering the connection between us to link. My fingers naturally fall into his as if my hand was made for him.

When we arrive Trey helps me out of his truck and presses his lips tenderly against mine, it’s the type of kiss that says,
I’m holding back,
but I can feel as his mouth takes over mine, patience isn’t his strong side.

He pulls back, casting a shadow over our faces with the bill of his cap and says, “I’ve been waiting to do that since I picked you up, but I knew your sister probably had surveillance cameras somewhere.”

“Probably, and she’s probably has some undetectable tracking device on your truck somewhere.”

He lets his mischievous smile grow wider as his thumb gently caresses the side of my face. “It’s a good thing that we’re not riding in the truck today. C’mon.”

The red shingled barn sits off from the house, a cluster of seasoned trees surround the side with vivid crimson vines. And just a few feet away is another structure, smaller and houses their riding horses. I settle next to a stall as he saddles up a horse named Spades.

He takes the leather reins and leads the black and white horse out and asks with the straightest face, “You know why I picked this horse, Sin?”

I twirl a piece of thread that’s dangling from the hem of my T-shirt around my index finger and ask, “Why?”

“You said you were a gambler, right?”

I twirl the thread faster, my anxiety crawling higher with every second. From across the stall Spades didn’t look too big, but as Trey leads him out my heart plummets to the floor. I chuckle lightly at myself.
What have I gotten myself into?

“I played Roulette once,” I confess and send him a mocking smile. “I won a twenty at a casino in Albuquerque.”

“Sounds to me you’re a real risk-taker, that’s why I thought Spades here would be perfect for us.” He pats the horse on its upper shoulder and whispers quietly to Spades, “Told ya she’s perfect.”

I’ve never been around someone so confident with everything, and as I look at Trey securing the saddle strap under, making sure it isn’t too tight. I thank the universe for all the signs because I wouldn’t be here, with him right now.

He motions for me to hook my left foot in one stirrup and he lifts me up. A pounding rockets through my veins as I sit high in the saddle and I feel that same gut-twisting adrenaline when I rode the Ring of Fire. Thank God, I have an empty stomach.

Trey mounts behind me and grips the reins in front of my body, the moment I feel his solid form firmly bracing me I stop shaking. His sensual warm mouth leans close to my ear and he whispers, “Hold on.”

He quickly taps Spade’s sides with the heels of his boots and makes a sharp clicking sound with his mouth and we’re off. We gallop through a dusty amber field and between a densely packed woodlands feeling more alive and free than I have in years. The country air waves by us fanning my hair out and I never release my hold. Devoting everything I have not to let go, because instead of fear raking down my spine, like on the ride at the fair, I want to raise my hands up and allow the wind to kidnap me. Take me where the angels sing and the darkness never shines.

Our bodies rock smoothly together with the tempo of the horse, carrying us away. I take in a new breath each time his arms tighten around me and my one solitary comfort comes from within. I’m able to slow down inside and truly be in this moment. Live in the moment. Forgetting the way the branches sway, forgetting how the sun streaks by us and I let a tear escape just so the breeze can steal it away.

Trey eases the reins back and slows our movement to a brisk walk, guiding Spade toward an embankment shrouded with intense underbrush. A running clear stream carves through the land on the other side. The jostle of the saddle echoes around the woods, leather rubbing against leather, and I jerk back suddenly when a cloud of miniature birds shoot out of a bush. Trey chuckles deeply and I can feel it in my back.

As he stops, he dismounts and boldly announces, “I think it’s safe to say you’re a natural rider.”

I peer down at him and scrunch my brows. “Why’s that?”

“You’re not trembling anymore.”

“Really? You could feel me trembling?” I taunt back as if confidence rules my voice.

He shrugs donning a small smile. “Maybe.” He raises two fingers up, about an inch away from each other and adds, “Maybe a little.”

He walks Spade over to a fallen limb and loosely ties the reins to it. He slides his hand down the neck and praises Spade for being good. The horse’s ears twitch back and forth listening to every word Trey says and neighs loudly like he’s agreeing. Trey keeps his tone level and softly pats Spade.

“All right, are you ready to learn how to dismount?”

The thought of leaving my sacred space pains me, but being back in Trey’s arms is something I’ve craved all week. “Yeah, I’m ready.”

“Okay, I want you to take your right foot out of the stirrups first, okay?” He takes a step closer, preparing himself to catch me if I completely screw this up. “Grip the horn of the saddle here,” he explains and my body floods with fire. His hand glides up along my thigh and all the way to my backside and I feel every single motion as I swing my other leg over and ease downward. 

He touches me, even if it’s an ordinary humanistic instinct, it burns up all my senses entirely. I inhale deeply and breathe out terrified I might expel visible fire between us. My hands land on his chest as I drag my eyes toward his. I see not only my reflection in him, I see the same burning need inside. His intent collides with mine as our mouths seek some deliverance, my tongue tangles with his in no promise of truces. Our hands struggle to grasp our scorching flesh, faster we grope, stripping, peeling away denim, cardigan, and cotton T-shirts.

Between kisses he breathlessly admits, “I knew the first moment I heard your name you’d be trouble, Sin.” 

I laugh against his lips and try to yank his shirt the rest of the way off, his cap tumbles without a care. He breaks quickly just long enough to grip his shirt and tug it over his head. His hand scoops in and cradles the back of my neck. Skin to skin, clothes scatter the wooded ground and the only thing between us is our underwear. He teases me, keeping the fire kindling, nipping at my lower swollen lip.

His body ushers me up against the closest tree and I arch my back from the overt roughness. Our mouths meld and he quickly destroys the thought of anything surrounding us. All the subtle sounds, the song of the cool tempting wind and the rushing stream breathes one last time. I can’t hear anything else except my heart racing and his deep groans as he kisses me. I let out a heavy sigh as he starts kissing a path downward.

Down my neck, unclasping the front of my bra, he presses his lips where his name used to be and says with a lopsided smirk, “Looks like I’ll have to sign your petition again.” His voice carries a thick tone I’m not sure how to describe, heady, passionate, lust filled, and I can’t form a single word to reply. I just nod my head
yes
and hope he consumes me soon.

I grip my fingers through his dark hair as he guides his heated tongue over one exposed nipple and then the other. Sucking, nipping and caressing each breast. My shoulder rolls back loosening the straps and his fingers catch it. Disrobing me, my bra descends with the simplicity of his touch, his fingers tempt it lower inch by inch until finally dropping it to the earth.

His body falls hungrily to his knees, kissing a path just below my navel. He bends back and wrangles a condom from his jeans. He breaks the seal and slips off my panties, my breathing becomes nothing but fragmented desperate breaths. My fingers try to reach for him again wanting some support, but once he strokes my clit with the side of his thumb my knees buckle. I reposition my hands up against the tree and brace myself.

“I want to watch you come…” he commands so deep it makes his voice resonate through the very marrow of me. His stern ambitious eyes pierce a cautioning glance as I shift my balance.

I suck in a determined breath and whisper weakly, “
Make me come…Trey.
”

My eyes drift closed, rejecting any and all sight around us and feel only him, feel his soft caresses, his tender strokes, and then he inserts two fingers inside me. Sliding in and out of my slick wet folds, in and out, faster and quicker and my silent control slips from me. I moan out his name as his fingers move and manipulate the most secret core of a woman, hidden, but he easily seduces everything from me. Like the tension on a rope, tightening harder and stronger, he circles my aching bundle of nerves and fucks me with his fingers until I unravel.

From…just…his…touch.

I come.

I have enough time to catch a breath when I realize he’s standing up. The very breath I had just taken rushes back out of me when he thrusts his cock in. My arms fly around his neck as he lifts my right trembling leg up and hooks it around his hip. He conceals my body with his own, gripping the nape of my neck he anchors me to him.

“Jesus Christ,
Sin, you feel so
fuckin’
—
”
he groans slamming into me. He’s not nearly as gentle as he was with his fingers, he’s more fearless. Daring to take us together in some uncharted ecstasy and as I stare back into his eyes, I see a man giving me
everything
he has. My body stretches exquisitely and painfully, trying to take all of him in at once. All I’m able to do is hang onto him as if I’m riding an untouchable urgent storm.

He remains steadfast, owning my body with his, digging his fingers roughly in my skin burying deeper inside me. I gasp and part my lips begging for him to salvage whatever words that tumble out of my mouth, “
Oh my god…Trey—”
 

“
I love hearing you say my name
,” he whispers between breaths. “
I love seeing you… like this.
” His words coil strongly through my body as our eyes absorb each other. His strides quicken as his penetrating look tells me he’s tempting the edge of control, and then he takes a long measured inhale and says, “I had no fucking idea you were going to feel this good.” His momentum suddenly stops and my body locks and throbs around him,
he’s driving me insane.
He’s pushing me to my own insatiable limits.