Letting Go (16 page)

Chloe
didn’t react to her words, other than saying, “I can tell you what I would do or what I had done when I broke up with Adam or when I took Tony back or …” She looked pointedly at Isabelle. “But I’m not you, and Adam is not Jamie, and there was certainly no one like Harper in my past. You see? You need to do what you feel you need to do.”

“But how will I know
if I’m doing the right thing?” Isabelle whined.

“
If you follow your instinct, you’ll be doing the right thing,” Chloe offered another infuriatingly philosophic answer. “Because how you feel, is right.”

“What if it’s wrong?”

“Love can never be wrong, can it?”

“I don’t know. I mean, I don’t even know who I love anymore.”

“Okay,” Chloe moved on the couch, leaning against the armrest, folding her feet underneath her. “Let’s start this way—how do you feel about telling Jamie about what happened on this trip?”

Isabelle
thought about it. But the deeper she dug, the more confused she felt.

“I fe
el terrible, like a traitor. The worst girlfriend ever. I mean, Jamie loves me, he treated me like I’m the only girl on the planet. He’d do anything for me. And I went and kissed his brother. It will break his heart. I ruined everything. Do you have any idea how much pain this will cause him? Both of them? How awful am I?”

Chloe
sighed. Isabelle thought she sounded fed up. She was beginning to feel put out with her. She’d expected sympathy from her. If her best friend wouldn’t understand her, who would?

“
Izzy, you know I’m your best friend, right?”

“Yeah. Of course. Why?”

“Because of what I’m going to say next.” Chloe paused before she spoke again. “I adore you, girl, honestly. And I mean this with the best intentions possible. I’m saying it because I love you like a sister, if not more. But you need to get over yourself.”

“What?”
Isabelle was so shocked that her breath hitched in her throat and the word came out as a gasp.

“
Jamie will survive without you, because you’re
not
the only girl on the planet. And he’ll probably forgive you and you’ll be friends again because he’s cool like that.”

“Are you saying I
don’t matter to him?” Isabelle asked, irritated with Chloe’s dismissive words. If Chloe was showing such lack of understanding for her troubles, how would Jamie react?

“Of course you d
o. I’m sure he loved you as much as you loved him.”

It didn’t escape
Isabelle that Chloe used past tense and she wanted to protest, but Chloe continued before she could speak.

“But the two of you breaking up is not the end of the world.
”

“Whoa
—who said anything about breaking up,” Isabelle interjected.

“You kissed his brother,
Iz. That’s on a whole different level of wrong than even kissing his best friend,” Chloe said and then, despite Isabelle’s miserable expression, added, “But if you think about it—if you still loved him as much as you did, say, a year ago, would anything have happened between you and Harper?”

Chloe
looked at her with wide eyes. Isabelle opened her mouth to speak and then closed it.

If she thought about it ... Why
did
she let it get out of hand with Harper? She’d told Harper that she couldn’t change her boyfriend every time she met someone new. She wasn't lying when she said it; she couldn’t do that while she loved Jamie. But she did it with Harper anyway.

“See what I mean?”
Chloe said, sensing that Isabelle had figured out what she was saying. “I’m not saying this because I don’t like Jamie. I know I said a hundred times that he’s boring and wrong for you, but it’s not what this is about. And you know it, don’t you?”

Isabelle got up and walked to the window, looking out onto the empty street. The clouds hung low over the houses, but it wasn’t raining anymore.
“You really think Jamie is wrong for me?”

“He’s your copy. Neat and tidy
—for a boy—and safe. You’d need someone who’d teach you to enjoy life. Now don’t go fall off the wagon and get drunk and high and arrested in one night, but you know ...”

Isabelle
chuckled. “I won’t, trust me.”

“You could change boyfriends, though,”
Chloe suggested softly.

Isabelle
shook her head. “No.”

“Didn’t it mean anything to you? Kissing
Harper?”

“Of course it did,
Chloe. How can you even ask that? I wouldn’t have kissed him if I hadn’t felt ... something,” Isabelle said, throwing her hands in the air, upset with Chloe’s question, her inability to answer her, with the uncertainty of the whole situation.

“Something?”

“Would you stop torturing me?” Isabelle said exasperated.

“I’m trying to help,”
Chloe answered not the least bit upset, and Isabelle realized only the best of friends would put up with her behavior just now. She didn’t deserve Chloe and her friendship.

“I know,”
Isabelle said. She returned to the couch, sat down next to Chloe and hugged her. “Thanks for being here for me, Chloe, even when I’m being a bitch to you. I love you.”

“With the problems you’re having with love lately, that doesn’t sound too comforting,”
Chloe teased, making Isabelle laugh.

“God, don’t I know it.
”

“So, stop avoiding the topic.
Harper?”

Isabelle
looked at her hands, trying to find the words. “He’s this complex person that’s capable of annoying and amazing me in the same instant. Like, he’d tell me that he likes me, but do it in a way that’s damn near insulting. Stop giggling.” Isabelle swatted Chloe’s hand. “It’s not funny.”

“It is.
A bit.”

“It’s not because I don’t even know how he feels about me.”

It occurred to Isabelle that Chloe liked Harper. “Oh. Does this bother you? Talking about Harper? You like him and ...”

Chloe
smiled wider. “No, silly. I think he’s hot, yes, but he’s not for me. You have him.”

“You sure?”

Chloe nodded. “If you want him?”

Isabelle
thought about it. “I’ll need some time to figure it out. I can’t just go from Jamie to Harper ...”

“Hate to point it out, but you already did.”

“I mean relationship-wise. I’m not even sure Harper would want me.”

“Ask him, then.”

Isabelle doubted she had the courage to do that.

****

Jamie was to come home from Florida in the evening. Isabelle thought the wait and anxiety would end her. She knew she wouldn’t be able to keep the truth from him long; she didn’t have it in her. But she couldn’t yet face their relationship ending so bitterly. She loved him despite whatever it was that she felt for Harper. Because she had to accept the fact that she did feel something for Harper. As much as she wished she could turn back time, she couldn’t deny her feelings.

She spent the
afternoon wallowing around the house, avoiding Dad’s quizzical looks after he got home. He’d asked about Paris but after a few reluctant answers from her, he obviously felt she was not in the mood and he let her be.

S
he felt exhausted. But she realized there was no point in regretting things she couldn’t undo, she would have to face them head on.

A
t six in the evening the doorbell rang, and she opened the door to find Harper standing on her front steps. He looked tired and pale. “Hey,” he said, but she didn’t reply.

“Who is it?” Dad asked from the
living room.

“A friend. I’ll be out on the porch,” she called back and ignored
Harper’s raised eyebrows when she said ‘a friend’.

She stepped out and closed the door behind her back, leaning onto it. She waited for
Harper to speak because she didn’t know what to say.

“
Jamie will be back in about an hour. He called fifteen minutes ago.”

“He called me too.”

Harper nodded. He turned to look down the street that was vanishing in the early spring dusk. They fell silent.

After several minutes,
Harper said quietly, “Don’t tell him, Isabelle. It’ll do no one any good.”

“I can’t lie to him,
Harper. I love him.”

He looked as if she’d slapped him. Her heart told her to kiss him, to wipe the hurt from his face. Her reason yelled at her not
to do anything stupid. She couldn’t love two boys at the same time. It was impossible. And yet …

“What he doesn’t know can’t hurt him.
I won’t say anything.”

“Are you saying this so you
’d have something to hold over me?”

He looked baffled.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that.”

“I
don’t want to see you get hurt.”

“It’s too late for that.”
What was happening to her? Who was this vindictive, angry person standing on her porch, talking to a gorgeous guy who managed to kiss the living daylights out of her right after he taught her to cook?

“I didn’t plan it,
Isabelle. I thought you wanted it too or I would never ...” He shook his head. “Well, it doesn’t matter anyhow. I won’t tell him and you’d do us both a favor if you didn’t either,” he said and turned to go.

She realized he meant what he
said about not wanting for her to get hurt. She regretted being mean to him. But she didn’t know how else to protect her already torn heart.

“
Harper, I have to. I’m not doing it to hurt you, but I can’t lie to Jamie. I just can’t.”

“Don’t you think you’re being selfish? You’d do anything to fe
el better about yourself, regardless of what this will do to Jamie ...”

She felt he wanted to
say ‘and to me’, but he refrained from it at the last second. Was it possible that he was right and she was being selfish while he thought about what was best for Jamie? Was she unreasonable, trying to clear her conscience? Should she look more practically at the whole thing and consider pros and cons from the perspective of hurting the fewer people possible and disregard her own uneasiness? After all, she deserved to suffer after what she had done.

“I am selfish,
I know, otherwise we wouldn’t even be talking about it because I wouldn’t have kissed you. But being honest is fundamental for a relationship.”

“Fine,
” Harper said and walked down the stairs. Before he got in his car, he looked back at her one more time, frowning, eyes glinting and lips set into a thin line.

The full impact of how she’d hurt
him hit Isabelle and her knees wobbled, her heart stumbled.

“I’m so sorry,
Harper,” she whispered, knowing he couldn’t hear her.

****

She flew into his arms as if she hadn’t seen him in a year. Jamie was taken aback
: she could tell from his gasp and then the astonished chuckle, but she refused to let him go.

“You did miss me,” he said, hugging her to him.

His arms enveloped her in safety. She burrowed into his sunscreen-smelling neck, grabbing at his jacket to keep him close.

As they stood on her porch, she had an out of body experience for a second, seeing the two of them in the dusk, a couple, intimately embraced, in love.
A ghost of a relationship. I was the traitor who ruined all this, she thought.

And just like that the safety of his hug was gone, the shelter she’d thought she found with him vanished. She was left exposed, on her own
, lost.

“How was Paris?” he asked when she let him breathe.

She was selfishly grateful for his question and the distraction that it offered, giving her the chance to postpone the inevitable a little bit longer. I’m such a coward, she thought, disgusted with herself, but then refused to dwell on it, telling herself she was gathering strength.

“It was amazing. Everything I expected and more. I saw wonderful places. It’s so different from Georgia, but in a way also the same. You’d have to see to understand.” She put so much energy into sounding enthusiastic that she was winded.

Jamie watched her—amazed or confused, she couldn’t tell.

“I believe you
.” He smiled. Those words were enough for her to shatter. He said exactly the thing he shouldn’t have. Silly Jamie. Now she couldn’t pretend any longer. It hurt too much. She thought she would burst from the need to confess.

“We need to talk,” she said as she pushed him towards the door.

Baffled, Jamie tried to stop her, but she wouldn’t let him until he was inside. She grabbed his hand and started pulling him up the stairs to her room.

“Florida was fun, too, thanks for asking,” he joked. His chuckle died down when Isabelle didn’t respond.