Leveling The Field (Gamers #4) (13 page)

The reporter thanked her, spoke into the camera, and then finally that blessed red light shut off.

The camera. A pain pierced her as she remembered Ethan’s vow to go back in front of the camera—stare at that red light, a changed man from the last time he’d done it.

The thought of him panicking, of hating it, made her want to throw up. She had to believe he’d been okay. That he’d made it through.

The alternative would break her heart.

For now, she turned to her family and plastered on a smile. This was her night, and she wouldn’t spend time thinking about a man who hated her guts.

Chapter Sixteen

Ethan hadn’t planned on looking at the site. And he’d successfully avoided it for a week, until today. Because today, he sat in his office, holding an envelope—addressed to him, care of
Gamers
—stuffed with pictures of himself.

Pictures Lissa had taken.

At first he’d been pissed but then a small note had fallen out, and in her hurried scrawl, it’d said, “How I see you. How I wish you’d see yourself.”

Even after all those horrible things he’d said to her, she still had kind words. She’d taken the time to print out
these photos for him. He hadn’t wanted to look at them—that time on her computer was enough—but as he pulled out the five photos, his chest tightened. Because no, he certainly didn’t see himself like this. He was still scarred. He was still Ethan Talley, formerly E-Rad.

But through Lissa’s lens, even while sleeping, he was…peaceful. Serene. It was narcissistic, but he hadn’t looked at himself for long in a mirror for years, so now he took the time to study his jawline, the curve of his ears, the profile of his nose. His bones and his complexion, the darkness of his hair, the scruff on his chin.

The scars were still there, as livid as any other day, but yet…they weren’t the focal point of the photo in any way. He was the focal point. His soul.

God, this was corny, but he couldn’t deny that Lissa was talented. And she’d used that talent on
him
.

He didn’t know the exact address for her site, so he searched for Rona’s Scars and found it right away.

He hadn’t thought she’d use his photograph without permission, not really. Although he still braced himself for several days after the site went live, that someone would recognize him from it.

But no, she hadn’t used his pictures, and as he scrolled through the site, he was struck by how beautiful her photos were, how heartfelt the project was, down to the color scheme, the loving way she let the subjects’ own words tell their stories. The photos were similar to the ones she’d taken of him, in that the scars were always visible, but it was the soul she captured that was the focal point. How she made something invisible be visible in the picture, he had no idea, but she had.

He read the stories, and was moved by what some of these people had gone through—fires, car accidents, physical assaults, etc. They all told their stories in a way that sanded away some of his sharp edges. By the time he’d read through the site, he was sore and a little raw where the new, smoother flesh was exposed.

He leaned back in his chair and ran a hand over his face, letting it linger on the scars along his neck and jaw.

She’d said she hadn’t planned on asking him to be a part of it, that their relationship had changed her mind, but yet she’d still wanted to do something for him, and the photographs sitting on his desk were what she’d done.

And he hadn’t been grateful. He’d been the exact opposite of grateful.

Sure she’d sent him the pictures, but would she be open to hearing him apologize? Because as the anger had faded the past couple of weeks, the ache of missing her had set in. There’d been so many ways they’d been good together. But how could she forgive him unless he actually made some changes?

He’d been thinking for a while, since Lissa’s words at the diner, about reaching out to his parents again. He tapped his fingers on his thigh and stared at his phone. Before he second-guessed himself, he snatched it up and dialed his parents’ number, one he hadn’t called in a very long time but still knew by heart.

“Hello?” said his mom’s voice after a couple of rings.

Ethan had to take a deep breath before he was able to talk. “Hello, it’s me.”

There was a pause, then her soft voice, nearly a whisper. “Ethan?”

“Yes.”

“Are you okay?”

There was a sense of urgency to her tone, as if she assumed he’d only call if something was terribly wrong. There was a lot wrong, but this call was part of fixing it. “Everything’s okay. I was wondering if we could get together for dinner, you and me and Dad. Maybe Chloe and Grant, too.”

There was a small sound, suspiciously like a sniff. “We’d like that. It’s been…so long.”

Ethan ducked his head, the shame washing over him. “Yes.”

“Let me talk to your father, and we’ll let you know when we can have you all over. How does that sound?”

It had only taken a call. It’d been all these years, and he hadn’t picked up the phone. All it had taken was a simple phone call. He had to hang up before he broke down. “Yes, that’d be fine.”

“Okay then, you take care, and we’ll be in touch.”

“Right, talk soon.” He hung up and had to take several deep breaths to get himself under control.

There were still many more words to be said, things to be aired out, but he’d made the first call, he’d initiated, and that was the first big hump.

His next task was to get back in front of that damn camera. He’d avoided it for two weeks now, but it was time to tell Grant he was ready to try again. And hopefully this time he didn’t rush to the bathroom to vomit.

He stood, straightened his suit jacket, and walked to Grant’s office, where the man was huddled over his cell phone. “What are you working on?” Ethan asked.

“Sexting your sister,” Grant said without looking up.

Ethan wrinkled his nose. “Are you kidding me?”

Grant grinned and tossed his phone onto the desk. “I am, actually. Calm down.”

Ethan rolled his eyes. “So, you ready to get the camera rolling again?”

Grant hesitated, studying Ethan’s face. “Sure,” he said slowly. “You want me there, or Owen?”

“Owen can handle it. If you want to observe, I won’t object.”

Grant stood, still keeping a careful watch on Ethan, like he thought any minute now, Ethan would spew. “You sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure.”

On the way to the conference room, Grant motioned to Owen, who then stood and followed them. Owen walked toward them with raised eyebrows. He was the lead copy editor and also the boyfriend of Marley’s wild-child brother, Chad. Ethan didn’t understand how that worked, because the two were night and day in his opinion. But Grant said Owen had never been this focused and confident, so at least their relationship was working for him.

In the conference room, the filming area was still set up, and Ethan sauntered toward the chair, with confidence he
did
feel. He sank down as Owen stood behind the camera. He glanced at Grant, then at Ethan. “You ready?”

Ethan nodded. “I know what I’m going to say. You just make sure the camera is on.”

Owen smiled slowly. “All right then. You’re on in three…two…one.”

Ethan began to talk.

…

There
was a knock at her bedroom door. Lissa looked up from painting her nails. “What?”

“What’re you doing?”

“Manicure.”

There was a pause. “You nekkid?”

She glared at the closed door. “Of course not. Who paints their nails naked?”

Her door opened and Angel walked in, holding his laptop. “I don’t know, I just didn’t want to see you naked.”

Lissa shook her head and returned her focus to her nails. She was perched on the end of the bed, heels on the mattress, peering over her knees as she brushed the blue polish onto her nails.

“Bright,” Angel muttered.

“I like it.” She glanced up to see him open up his laptop. “Uh, you needed to do whatever you’re doing in my room?”

“Yeah,” he said, eyes on the screen. “Because I think you’re going to want to see this.”

She applied polish to her last nail and then glanced up. “Fine, but I’m not getting up. I don’t want to mess up my nails.”

He rolled his eyes and sank down onto the bed beside her, jostling it so she fell against him. “Hey,” she said as she righted herself. “This better not be something stupid like that last video you sent me.”

“That bird knew
The Addams Family
theme song. That was cool as shit!”

“Angel—”

“Okay, okay, fine, but this is nothing like that.” He pulled up YouTube with a definitive tap of a key. “Here.”

He held up the screen, and the first thing she saw was a thumbnail of Ethan’s face. “Oh no no no.” She pushed it away, but Angel held firm. “No, I’m glad he got back in front of the camera, but I don’t need to see this.”

Angel pushed it back toward her. “Listen, goddamnit.” He tapped the track-pad and Ethan’s voice filled the room. She thought for a second of putting her hands over her ears, but that was pretty immature, so instead she stared at the wall in front of her,
not
at the laptop, and listened to his deep rumble.

“It’s been a long time since I’ve been in front of the camera. Not since I had my own channel as E-Rad. For those of you who don’t recognize the name, I played video games and talked about it on camera. I did well and had over a million subscribers.”

His voice was steady and calm, and she smiled a little. This had to have been hard for him. She slowly turned her head to see his image. He looked as good as he always did, dark hair slicked back, icy eyes focused.

She didn’t turn away as he continued to talk. “I know I look a little different. I was in a car accident and made it out alive with some injuries, but my sister wasn’t so lucky.”

He took a long pause then, and she took it with him, holding her breath until he spoke again.

“So that’s been a main reason for my absence. I had some grieving to do, and being on camera was the last thing on my mind. But I couldn’t stay away forever from an industry I loved so much.”

He went on to talk about his role at
Gamers
, and about how he planned to be a visible personality on camera.

At the end, he tilted up his chin, paused, then said firmly, “I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to show my face again. It took a while for me to see anything other than the way I’d changed, and the negative ways I had done so. It took a lot of people and a talented friend to show me I was looking at it all wrong. Speaking of, if you’re interested in donating to a good cause, which is personal to me and my family, please visit Rona’s Scars dot org.”

She inhaled sharply and her ears rang. Ethan’s lips were still moving, but everything was a little fuzzy. This video had already been viewed over five hundred thousand times. And he’d just supported her project.

The video ended, and she glanced up at her brother, who was staring at her, eyebrows raised as he set his laptop to the side. “See? That’s much better than a bird video.”

She smacked his chest. “Angel!”

“What?”

“Angel!”

“What?!”

“I can’t believe he did that.”

“Well, he did do that.”

She stared at the laptop.

“Lissa, that video was just released a day ago. It’s all the talk in the gamer circles. E-Rad’s back. And he’s some big wig at a magazine now. All the gamer nerds are excited.”

She held her hand over her mouth and said through her fingers, “I haven’t even checked the donations recently.”

“I’d suspect you have at least a little more cash in the coffers now.”

She ran to her laptop to check for an updated donation list. And sure enough, since yesterday, they’d received almost one hundred thousand dollars. “Holy shit,” she whispered.

“Good?” Angel asked.

“Good?” she squeaked. “It’s…it’s…holy hell, gamer geeks are amazing.”

Angel laughed. “He’s a former leader, man. He’s spoken, and he wanted everyone to support your project.”

She turned to him, clutching her chest. “I think I’m going to pass out.”

Her brother rushed over, took her hand, and guided her gently back to bed. “Okay, that was a lot of excitement. Why don’t we take it easy?”

She lay on her pillow but then popped back up, nearly colliding with Angel. “I have to do something. I have to reach out.” She’d already sent the pictures, and clearly he’d gotten them. She couldn’t think of any other reason he’d been willing to lend his name to her project.

They might never be as close as they were—she suspected they never would—but they’d both made such a large impact in each others’ lives. She couldn’t let this silence go on any longer.

Even if she did miss him. The way he smiled at her, the trust he’d placed in her with his emotions. With his heart.

They’d made each other smile. And laugh. It didn’t seem right not to reach out to him again.

“Lissa.” Her brother drew out her name, like he could hear the gears turning in her head and didn’t like it. “What are you concocting? He should be the one reaching out to you and groveling.”

She laughed at that. “True, although I think Ethan might not be wise on ways to grovel. That little speech in his video cut his groveling time in half, gotta say.”

“Damn,” Angel said. “I gotta get myself famous, so I can shave off future grovel time.”

“Hey.” She held up a hand. “He still needs to grovel. He needs to be reminded of how good we were together.” She snapped her fingers and curled her lips into what her brother called her Grinch grin. “And I think I know just the perfect thing.”

Angel made a face. “Oh no, this sounds bad for him.”

She stood and grabbed her purse. “Wanna come with? I need to go to the craft store.”

Chapter Seventeen

It’d been a week since Ethan’s first video had gone live. Th
e response had been overwhelming. He’d expected no one to remember him, but adult gamer guys were coming out of the woodwork to reconnect with the guy they used to watch.

He did receive some condolences, and a smattering of hate here and there that he filtered out pretty well. No one could say anything worse than he’d said to himself in the past.

He kept the photos Lissa had taken of him in his desk. He looked at them, not because he wanted to see himself, but because it was the last thread of connection he had to her.

She’d posted on her site’s blog recently, that she’d been surprised at the response and was so grateful that they’d have a large fund for the scholarships. He figured he was a small part of that. He hadn’t heard from her, but that was okay. He hadn’t boosted the signal for her project just to get her to come back to him. He’d done it because he had felt as though that was the right thing, and also because he believed in what she was doing.

Maybe one day he could tell that to her face. He’d considered stopping by her studio so many times, but he suspected that, despite what he’d said on camera, he wouldn’t be welcome.

Their secretary, Sue, knocked on his open office door. He gestured for her to come in, and she dropped the mail on his desk then left with a small wave.

He flipped through it, settling on an envelope that was addressed to him, with no return address.

The handwriting looked familiar, but he couldn’t place it. With a frown, he slid his finger under the seal and opened the envelope.

There was a small sound, like the release of air, and for a moment, he saw nothing but…sparkles—a rainbow of colors as the light of his window reflected off of whatever was now surrounding him in a silent rainfall.

He blinked, blinked again, and gazed around at the complete and utter explosion that now covered his office in a tsunami of glitter.

Glitter.

Fucking everywhere.

He still held the envelope in his hands, and as he bent his head, glitter slid off his hair and onto the desk in front of him. With every small muscle twitch, more glitter fell from his body. He peered into the envelope, where a small note was tucked inside, along with some sort of plastic mechanism that had released the glitter into the air like a rocket.

He pulled out the note. All it said was:
<3 Lissa
.

He laughed. There was no other reaction, nothing to do but curl his body forward, sending more glitter fluttering to the floor, and laugh until tears fell down his glitter-covered face.

Lissa. He would have expected nothing less from her. Because this reminded him of their make-up session in her studio, of the glitter he’d found on his body days later.

As he wiped his face and stared at the craft carnage around him, he knew Lissa was just like glitter—in all his nooks and crannies and he’d never be rid of her. And he didn’t really want to be rid of her.

“Holy shit.” Ethan looked up to see Grant standing in the doorway of his office, eyes wide. His gaze swept over Ethan’s floor and desk before resting on Ethan’s face. “What the hell?”

Another laugh bubbled out of Ethan. “Lissa.”

Grant blinked. “Lissa?”

He held up the envelope. “She sent me”—he spread his arms out—“this.”

Grant’s lips quirked up. “She glitter-bombed you?” Ethan nodded and Grant began to laugh as he nudged aside a clump of glitter with his shoe. “Wow, dude, that’s…that’s love.”

Ethan brushed off his shoulders. “I’m not too sure about that. Could be hate.”

Grant shoved his hands into his pockets and moved his foot to walk forward but then thought better of it. “Good point. So she either loves you or she hates you. You sure don’t glitter-bomb anyone you feel ambivalent about.” Then he took out his phone and snapped a shot. “I should send this to Chloe.”

Ethan stood, sending the glitter that had been on his lap to the fall. “Well, it’s not going to be a mystery much longer, because I’m definitely going to speak to her now. Even if it’s to listen to her cuss me out. I can’t let something as serious as a glitter-bomb go unanswered.”

Grant nodded gravely. “Good luck out there, man. All’s fair in love and glitter-bombing.”

Ethan shook out his hair and glitter-dandruff dusted the floor. “Jesus, this is crazy. I can’t leave all this for the cleaning crew.”

Grant waved him off. “I’m sure I can rustle up a vacuum. I’ll take care of this for you.”

Ethan lifted an eyebrow. “You mean you’re going to ask Marley to do it.”

Grant pushed out his lips. “Uh, probably.”

Ethan waved him on. “Whatever, I have to go see the person responsible for this.”

As he made to walk past Grant, his friend placed a hand on his shoulder. “Hey.”

Ethan stopped. “Hey what?”

Grant smiled softly. “Don’t fuck it up this time.”

Ethan shoved off his hand with a grin. “I’m going to do my best.”

“Good luck.”

“I need it.”

First, he needed to shower. But then…

Then it was his turn.

…

The knock on the door of Lissa’s apartment startled her as she licked the brownie batter from her sp
oon.

She rolled her eyes, figuring it was her brother who forgot his car keys or something that he needed for work, as he’d just left for his shift.

“Coming!” she called as she padded toward the front door. She unlocked it and then opened it without even looking at who was there. “What’d you forget?” she asked as she headed back to the kitchen.

Silence greeted her question, and she slowed her steps, thinking belatedly that she hadn’t confirmed the person knocking was, in fact, her brother. As she began to turn, a deep voice said, “I believe I forgot to apologize.”

His words sent a flame of heat roaring through her body. She spun around to see Ethan standing in her open doorway, hands in the pockets of his jeans, the sleeves of his Henley rolled up to his elbows.

They stared at each other for a moment, and she searched her brain for something to say—it didn’t even have to be witty, just something coherent to say to the man she hadn’t thought she’d see again.

But damn, it was a weekend, one of the few she had off, and she couldn’t think straight.

Ethan lifted his eyebrows. “May I come in?”

She swallowed. “Door’s open.”

His lips twitched, and then he stepped inside and shut the door behind him. He glanced around her apartment then let his gaze travel down her body. She was barefoot, wearing a pair of black leggings and an off-shoulder crop top. She had no makeup on, but at least her hair looked good.

“Hi, Lissa,” Ethan said, not taking his eyes off her.

He’d probably gotten her little present in the mail yesterday or the day before. Frankly, she’d expected him to call. She had not expected him to show up at her door. “Hi, Ethan.” A thought struck her. “How’d you know where I live?”

He strolled forward, picking up a picture frame on a nearby table and glancing at it before putting it back. “It’s pretty easy to find someone’s address nowadays.”

Oh. “That’s a little creepy.”

He stopped and cocked his head. “It’s creepy I’m here?”

She shrugged. “Not really. Not any more creepy than covering your office with glitter.”

He laughed at that and continued forward until he stood a couple of feet away. He reached out a hand, and she flinched as his thumb brushed her cheek. He held up his hand, and she laughed. “Oh, uh, that’s brownie batter. I like to lick the spoon.”

He stuck his thumb in his mouth and took his sweet time licking off the batter. Her knees went a little weak until she remembered the last time they’d been in the same room together.

She straightened her spine and took a step back. “So why are you here?”

He must have sensed the change in her, because he dropped the act, and tension crept into his expression. “I have some things I want to say to you.”

She turned and walked into her kitchen, Ethan following her, and proceeded to fill the pan with brownie batter. He didn’t talk for a moment, and she glanced over her shoulder to see him standing awkwardly by the refrigerator. “So? Talk.”

A muscle in his jaw ticked, and the sign of his irritation pleased her. He blew out a breath and ran his fingers through his hair. “I know I don’t deserve it, after the things I said, but would you please turn around and look at me.”

She placed the pan of brownies in the oven, set the timer, and then turned around, leaning back on the counter. She brushed her hair out of her face and gazed at him steadily.

He inclined his head. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

He hesitated a moment then said, “I’m sorry.”

Those two words hung in the air between them, and Lissa waited to see if they came with a caveat, a but, anything really. But there were no strings attached to those words, and she knew that based on the way Ethan was looking at her with a resolved expression. Those words were hers now.

She stared at a point over Ethan’s shoulder. “I was in the office at
Gamers
, staring out a window, when a black SUV pulled into the parking lot. A man got out of the car and I…couldn’t look away from him. It was the way he held himself, the way he walked, the way he looked. Everything about him intrigued me. I was attracted to him before I knew who he was.” She met Ethan’s ice-blue eyes. “And then I found out who he was, that he was the man I’d been hoping to meet, to ask him to be a part of my project. I told myself not to get involved with him, because I didn’t want to be accused of whoring myself out.” Ethan winced and opened his mouth, but she kept talking. “But I was still attracted to him, and when he pursued me, I couldn’t turn him down. I kept thinking it was okay. It was just casual. Until it stopped being just casual. Because it did stop, right? It became more.”

Ethan swallowed. And nodded.

She gripped the edge of the countertop as her stomach rolled. “So I knew then I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t ask him, not after everything he’d confided in me. But I still wanted to do something for him. I-I’m sorry, too.”

Ethan jolted forward. “No, Lis—”

She shook her head. “I don’t regret taking those pictures of you. I regret you finding out the way you did.” She paused to see if he’d protest, but he stayed silent so she could continue. “I wanted to do something for you. A surprise. For you to see you how I see you. I wanted to help. And it backfired. And I’m sorry for the part I played in that.”

Ethan’s fingers twitched where they rested against his thighs. “Can I—can I come to you?”

The hesitation and vulnerability in his voice pierced her. “Of course,” she whispered.

In two long strides, he was in her space, his one hand resting on her hip while the other cupped her neck. “I owe you the apology. The things I said…I can’t think about them without cringing, without regretting it all. I looked at your project and it affected me. I felt what those people felt, and I read their stories and internalized it all. It was good work, amazing work, and I know it’s making an impact in people’s lives.”

She hadn’t realized how much she wanted to hear that from him until he’d said it. “Ethan—”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, because I fucked up the only thing that’s made me happy in years. And worse than that, I hurt you. And that’s something I would do anything to atone for.”

She pressed her lips together. “This apology is doing wonders.”

A flicker of hope came into his eyes. “Yeah?”

She nodded. “And maybe some pics of your office. Covered in glitter.”

He smiled. “Grant has one on his phone.”

“He’ll have to send it to me.” She ducked her head and pulled out of his grip, because while the apology was great, it was hard to feel his touch knowing it wouldn’t lead further. She busied herself cleaning up, her back to him. “Thanks for coming by. You could have called.”

He didn’t answer, and she scrubbed at a spot on the counter that she knew was a permanent stain, but it was the only thing she could focus on, knowing he was still there in her apartment.

“Lissa,” he said softly.

She wiped harder.

A hand settled on her elbow, stilling her. “Lissa. Please turn around.”

She tossed the wipe with a huff and turned slowly, refusing to look up, and stared straight ahead at the base of his neck.

That is, until he placed a hand on her chin and forced her meet his gaze.

After a moment, he spoke. “I didn’t come here just to apologize. I came here to ask you if you’d give me another shot. Give
us
another shot.”

So that was what she’d wanted to hear. Because with his eyes on her, those words settling down into her bones and heating her blood, she knew for certain that, despite everything, she wanted exactly that.

As she’d been falling for the way he touched her body, she’d also been falling for him—for the rare moments of vulnerability he showed, the way he laughed when they were together, the way conversation with him was easy.

He soothed over the pain she’d felt for so long after the death of her sister, and she thought maybe she did the same thing for him, too.

His eyes were still searching hers, clearly waiting for an answer. She bit her lip. “Should I leave you hanging?”

He chuckled softly. “I wish you wouldn’t.”

She gripped his face, the stubble of his beard rubbing her palms. “Will you promise to make that sound a lot?”

“What sound?”

“Laughter.” His face grew tender at her words. “I like to hear you laugh.”

He leaned into her touch. “I missed laughing. Around you, it’s easy to do it again.”

She nudged his nose with hers. “And I missed your grumpy face.”

Ethan hesitated then leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to her lips. “I missed that, too.”

She pursed her lips. “Oh yeah? What else?”

With a quick motion, he scooped her up and placed her on the counter, then stepped between her legs. He slid her shirt further down her arm, along with the strap of her tank top. He watched her face, as if he was waiting to see if she’d stop him, but no way.
No way
. Not when she felt the hard ridge of his arousal between her legs, not while her body was heating up just from his simple touch.