Liabilities (11 page)

Standing in designated room, I just watched his expression in the moonlight coming through the small window. My clothes hit the ground and I was left in bra and panties.

His hand grasped a corner of the quilt and lifted it. I got inside and waited. He however, fell across the other small bed not three feet away in the tiny room.

“You’re not going to lie with me?”

“As much as I want to, I can’t be good right now. And you need to sleep. We have tomorrow.”

Unable to protest and suddenly very tired, I closed my eyes and soon fell asleep.

I woke to words I longed to hear. “Lass, there you are. I’m sorry it took me so long to get here.”

“Kalen.”

His hands touched my bare skin, and I wondered when I had undressed.

“It’s been too long, lass. I can’t wait any longer to be inside you.”

He was between my legs. He raised my hips, and I felt the tip of him nudge at my opening. “God, I love…”

I waited. I waited for him to say
you
at the end of that sentence.

“To be inside you.” With one thrust he filled me. He hadn’t prepared me and it had been so long. There was a flash of pain before I rode the currents of pleasure from his movements. He rocked into me over and over again. His cry of orgasm sent me tumbling into bliss.

Dawn was like the splash of warm water that brought me from the murky depths of sleep. Turner slept like he was on a dock with one leg hanging off the side of a bed that was too small for his tall frame.

Kalen wasn’t there. Again, I dreamed of him vividly. I got up and did the lonely walk of shame. Again my dreams had been silent and my own. Turner was still sleeping, not aware of how my subconscious thoughts were cheating on us.

I left and hurried to my parents’ house, eager for a shower and to start chores. I was ashamed of my behavior last night and not just my dreams. I wondered not for the first time if I was more of a slut than I thought I was.

Opening the door which was hardly ever locked, I stepped in to see my mother at the table folding laundry.

“Mother.” It had only been two days but it felt like a lifetime.

She opened her arms, and I skirted the table to fly into them. She smelled like home, and I missed her. When my body shook from tears, she stroked my hair and asked, “What’s wrong?”

After my sobs subsided, I told her in hushed tones. The light of the day not enough yet to wake my siblings, but I knew they would be up soon. I was sure my talk with Mother would give them extra sleep because she wouldn’t interrupt me to wake them. And for the third or fourth time, I regaled everything that happened that I hadn’t told her and my father the first night, from Scott to Kalen and work. I gave her the short version knowing I didn’t have a lot of time. Then I ended with Turner. Of course, I left out all the bits of sexual activity. That she didn’t need to know.

She looked at me without judgment. “He loves you, you know.”

 I nodded.                                                    

“But,” she continued, “it sounds like your heart is confused between two men. Can’t say I’m surprised. Bailey, you’re beautiful inside and out. It doesn’t sound like you are purposefully trying to hurt either one. But you need to make a choice.”

I didn’t feel very beautiful. I seemed to be making a mess of everything I touched. Leaving Scott should have made my world better. Instead, I’d been making all the wrong decisions. Possibly, I should be with a guy like Scott and let him run my life. I’d been content with how things were going. So maybe I hadn’t loved him. But where had love gotten me?

“Kalen’s already made his choice,” I complained.

“You did tell him to move on.”

I had, but I hadn’t expected him to do it the very next day. “I know.”

“And you can’t choose Turner by default. That wouldn’t be fair to him either.”

“I know,” I repeated.

“Go wash up before you brothers hog all the water,” she said with a smile. “Don’t worry. I won’t tell your father.”

With a half-smile, I stood feeling a bit relived at unloading my burden. Lizzy had always been good for that. I missed her. In fact, I might give her a call. I wondered what she was up to.

After brushing my teeth, washing my hair and a general full body cleaning, I stepped back in the kitchen and helped my mother with breakfast as the rest of my siblings fought over shower time.

My father stepped into the house as we started to put breakfast on the table. I wasn’t surprised he hadn’t been home. I was certain my mother wouldn’t have encouraged a chat if he had been. It wasn’t that my father was a bad man; he was a practical one. Everything was black and white. There wasn’t any such thing as the murky gray that colored my life.

With all of us seated, my parents, me and my younger siblings, my father commanded, “Bailey, grace the food.”

Jake snickered and I gave him a stern look. I said a few words. I was rusty with this type of thing. Scott hadn’t been overly religious and college life, well, we just didn’t say prayers before meals, not out loud at least.

Although we all sat around the table, we didn’t talk about each other’s life. Instead, my father dictated our duties for the day, my siblings inwardly groaning, not daring to make a sound of protest. When the meal was over, I asked to speak to both of my parents. Not wanting to let my younger siblings hear what I had to say, I urged my parents outside.

I didn’t stop at the porch. I kept going a few more feet trying to put as much distance between us and the house.

On the way out, Father put his hat on, and I stared at his neatly trimmed beard. It was long but well kempt. He wasn’t a great deal taller than me, but it felt like he towered over me as he did when I was a child. This was a man I respected. However, I couldn’t hold my tongue on this issue.

“Is anyone going to do anything about Vi’s husband, Mike?” There I’d said it. I breathed out, fear filling the spaces as my father stared at me.

His hand came up to stroke his beard. My mother and I stood holding our breath. In that second, I had an epiphany. That was part of the reason why I couldn’t live here. Women were expected to submit to their husband in all things. And I was a bit too outspoken for that. And even though Turner would have never held me to that standard, he would have been the laughing stock of all the males for not keeping me in line.

“You think that I did not look into the man that married your sister?” he asked. I looked up ready to answer when his eyes silenced me. “I warned Violet not to get involved with a man so new to our community. She begged me to allow her to be with him. She’s made her bed.” His last phrase sounded exactly like what Mary said. I shouldn’t have been surprised. Mary was a
brownnoser
.

“And that’s it,” I blurted. My tone raised, and my mother gave me a look of rebuke. “I’m sorry, but we should just let her be abused?”

Mike may have been a friendly guy last night. But now that my alcohol-colored lens had cleared, I saw the man for what he was. He was getting my sister into things that I didn’t think she would involve herself with otherwise. His comment about sleeping with Beth, and that Violet hadn’t at all seemed surprised, had me wondering what was going on here in our little community.

“Bailey, I know it’s been a while since you’ve lived at home. But we do things differently than the rest of the world. We police our own. If your sister came to me and told me she felt threatened in anyway, I would be there for her. She hasn’t. You need to let it go too.”

That was the end of the conversation. My father walked away and Mother went inside. Not wanting to put her between the two of us, I spent the rest of the morning chores with my mother and my younger sisters in the kitchen keeping my thoughts to myself.

My brothers headed to the stables where they helped with the horses. Anyone from the outside seeing how my family disbursed might assume we lived in a sexist society. While on the surface that was somewhat true; we all learned how to do basic tasks, including cooking, sewing, how to care for animals, plant crops and other task. We were all prepared to be self-sufficient in case we were faced with survival on our own.

When it became apparent that individuals had talent in a particular area, they were sent to apprentice with someone skilled in that area. My sisters were still young enough that they were underfoot of my mother. But my brothers had shown a desire to work with horses and other animals we raised here. Father was a crop farmer. Yet he let them go work with Isaac in the stables. I was sure Father hoped that one of us would take over the family business so to speak.

As for me, I showed a desire for working with numbers and money. I had often wanted to handle the transactions at market. So I’d been sent to work with Betty on the bookkeeping.

After morning chores, I found myself helping my father get the land ready for planting a winter wheat. Farming was hard work when you didn’t use modern farming equipment. Turning the soil was manual labor that I could do without.

Feeling gritty and all around grungy, I took a midday shower before I went in to eat lunch. The water, held in a drum above the shower, was warmed by the sun.  Replenishing the drum for future showers was hard on the arms. I was sure I could sleep a week. I was so tired.

After an afternoon out in the fields, I ate dinner with my family. I ended up crashing with my little sisters, too tired to make the trek to Violet’s house. Guiltily, I used my father’s reasoning of needing to leave things alone as an excuse.  Vi had made it two years with her husband, and she was still alive. I had to trust she’d keep one more night without my help.

When morning came the next day, I felt rested having had a dreamless night. My sisters were bustling about. I got to my feet to help with breakfast. When the younger ones headed off to school, I followed. I didn’t want to hide from Turner anymore. I could be honest with him about everything. He had been my best friend. Even if Lizzy was now, Turner would always be one too.

Lost in the numbers, I barely looked up when Mary brought me lunch. She didn’t speak, and I hadn’t spoken to her either. I didn’t want to fight about imaginary things in her head. We were sisters, and she had no reason to be jealous of me. Turner didn’t show up during the day nor did he come to Violet’s house that night. She looked fine, happy even.

Jake had stopped me prior to me heading to her house when school was over. “You’re still going to chaperone the dance tomorrow night?”

“Sure,” I’d said wondering if, by Turner’s absence, his offer to join me was still on the table.

My eyes closed that night not sure what tomorrow would bring. It brought rain.

Fingers worked my core and made me moan. His lips were insistent on my neck. For a second, I thought he might bite me. Desire for him raged. I didn’t care if he drew blood. I needed him. I wanted him to fill me with that pleasure near pain sensation. It was an intense feeling that sent me into bliss every time. “Kalen,” I called out.

My eyes flew open with the thunderous sound of water pellets against the window. One might think that with rain it would be like a day off. But it wasn’t.  Many chores still needed doing regardless of the weather, and others were just moved indoors.

Turner blew in my door at lunch. He closed us in the tiny office while noise from conversations in the class room hid everything we said.

He planted himself on my desktop. Arms folded he stared at me for a long time. I kept quiet, knowing all the things that I’d hidden from him. He waited for me to say something having no doubt figured out that I was avoiding him. Choosing not to capitulate, I grabbed a roll from the basket he brought and bit off a chunk.

Flashing a quick smile before it turned to a laugh, he shook his head. His arms uncrossed, and a gentle hand brushed strands of hair from my face. His lips were far too close and the warmth of him filled all the spaces around me. “You know you can be honest with me,” he said.

It wasn’t something he needed to say, yet it was something I needed to hear. I let loose the breath that I’d been holding. “I’m afraid.”

Pinched or not, his smile was still friendly as he sat back. “Him?” The one word question showed just how close we still were despite the time that put a wedge between us.

"I don’t want to hurt anyone let alone you. What if—”

“Yeah, what if. What if the sky turned green? What if the moon turned red?” His words got softer as his head dipped. “What if we never found out if this was meant to be?”

There was no doubt about our feelings for each other. My only question was my feelings for Kalen. As much as I wanted to discount them because he’d moved on, it wouldn’t be fair to Turner if I was with him and carried a torch for another.

“Just give us a chance, Bails. Let’s go to the dance. No pressure.”

I looked up at him thinking about how close we’d come to crossing a line that wasn’t casual for us. A roll in the hay between consenting adults was one thing. Sex with a former lover and friend was a totally different thing. It could never be merely casual.

His direct line to reading my emotions was still active because he said, “We don’t have to have sex.” He paused and stood up. “Don’t get me wrong, I think about it every moment I’m around you. But I can wait.”