Liabilities (15 page)

His hands gripped my shoulders and removed me so he could look in my eyes. “You don’t have to go. We take care of our own. And you will always be one of us.”

Tears ran like a waterfall down my face. I’d always assumed he didn’t approve of my leaving and had washed his hands of me. “I didn’t think you’d want me here.” The admission tumbled from my lips. My emotions grew raw over things that needed to be said. I was unable to hold them back any longer.

“Oh Bailey,” he sighed. “I can’t say I wasn’t disappointed when you decided to head out into the world. It was like a blow to my fatherly ego that we weren’t good enough for you. That didn’t mean I stopped loving you or that I didn’t see it coming.”

His hand came up to stroke his beard. He was choosing his words. I’d seen that action too many times not to understand. “Your mother was from that world, and she thankfully chose to live the rest of her life in mine. When Violet was born, I let her choose a name. Even knowing it wouldn’t be a traditional one. And Violet looks very much like your mother and it was fitting. When you came, you had a tuff of red hair that was closer to a pale gold than the fiery locks you have now. That comes from my father’s side of things.  I again let her choose your name. As toddlers you both were so adventurous, I knew then I wouldn’t be able to hold you back. When Mary came, I insisted on a more traditional name. Somehow in my head, I was convinced the untraditional names were the cause of both of your curiosities. The truth of it is, you got that from me.”

I looked into my father’s eyes, the man I feared and began to see a different side of him. I think this was the most he’d said to me that wasn’t about work that needed to be done since his speech about the birds and the bees.

His next declarative statement would be replayed in mind over and over again. “You were right. Violet’s in that forsaken marriage because she doesn’t belong here. You need to take her with you.”

“Dad,” I said seeing how hard it was for him to admit this to me.

“She loves to bake. She can find work or go to school for baking.  We have some money saved to pay.” He continued. “And make peace with your sister Mary. Judge her not. She’s envious that you have the spirit to leave and she doesn’t. A part of her wishes she could go, but she also knows she’d never be happy anywhere else. And that’s not true for you. Violet might have survived if Turner had given her his affection.”

I went slack jawed.

“You don’t think we parents don’t know what’s going on? You don’t think I know about the car you drove into town, or how you left the compound the other night, or that you’re staying at Violet’s and Turner’s stayed with you. I knew you and Turner would marry someday back when you were barely knee high. He’s a good kid. He’s like Violet in that he could stay or go. But he’d only stay with you. If you leave him for this Jeremy, he’ll leave and never look back.”

“What am I going to do?” I asked. Never in my whole life did I need his insight like I did right now.

“I can’t answer that. I’ve never loved another woman but your mother. I will say that you and Turner remind me a lot of me and your mother. I haven’t seen you with Jeremy. I do see a fierceness in his eyes that rings true for all he told me.”

“What did he say?”

He patted my shoulder and released me. “Some things must remain between men. I’ll say that should you not choose Turner, I’d give you my blessing to marry Jeremy.”

His head tilted to the sky. “It’s going to rain. I’m going to need all hands to help seed. This will be a soaking rain. It’s a good time to continue planting the winter wheat.” He looked to the heavens again. “I have a meeting. Your mother is already out in the fields. Maybe you could bring them some water.”

I nodded and he walked off in his leisurely but steady gate. I went into the house and into my sisters’ room to find another one of the old dresses I’d shared with Violet or Mary. I hadn’t showered and even though I was going to be in the fields all day, I needed that refresher before I went out. It was quick, but I felt better having done it.

In the kitchen, I lifted a hatch in the ground. It was cool storage for those things that didn’t need refrigeration. The earth was cooler than that of the surface. I reached down into the dugout hole lined with wood so the earth wouldn’t cave in and took a gallon of water. When we came back for lunch I would boil water from the pump and replace what I’d taken out. With a couple of mason jars, I headed out back to the farm fields where I gave refreshments to everyone on hand.

Sweat and dirt clogged my pores. There had been a breeze in the air that preceded the storm my father predicted. There was a worker in front who reinforced the groves already in the ground. Then the seed-tosser came. That was my job today. Then someone behind would rake earth over the seeds so the birds circling above wouldn’t dive bomb for food. It would have been easier with faming equipment, but we did things the long way. Once my father returned, he’d taken the raking position behind me. We didn’t talk, but it felt like he wanted to be close to me because he knew I was leaving for good this time.

I’d felt it too, but held my tears until I took my turn in the shower. It was quick because my whole family wanted one. Violet and Mike hadn’t turned up. Mary was at the school. But my other sisters and brothers got the day off to help. Based on Jake’s grumblings he would have preferred to go to school. John, Lora and Emma were happy to pitch in wherever.

Although my time was running out, I ate dinner at home. I still needed to talk to Kalen, Turner and Violet. All conversations I wasn’t totally looking forward to. Each had the potential to break my heart or hurt someone else’s.

Heavy with decision, I headed to find Turner. I knew Kalen would be looking for me, but he would ask for answers I didn’t have until I talked to Turner. He hadn’t been at our farm, so I went the only place I could to look for him first, his house. My mother told me where he’d built it. It didn’t take long to reach. On the porch Kalen sat in a swing looking out until he spotted me.

“Is he here?” I asked by way of greeting.

He searched my eyes for things I wasn’t ready to admit yet. “He left a little after dinner. He probably went in search of you.”

The heels of my foot caught against a rock as I went to turn. Kalen was fast and caught me just before I hit the ground. The power in his arm was magnified as he yanked me to my feet. His arm around my waist helped to steady me.

“We need to talk,” he said.

“Kalen,” I whispered because his touch never failed to affect me. “Please.”

“Just five minutes, lass.” His voice broke.

He started to lead me to Turner’s front door. I broke free. “No, not in his house.”

“Okay,” he agreed. He walked backwards to the porch to grab his satchel.  The tan leather was worn and well cared for. There had to be a story behind it the way he seemed to keep it with him. It wasn’t something he had carried before. However, it wasn’t the time to ask.

Once he had it in his hand, he followed me to the side of Turner’s house. Behind it, I stood with my arms folded over my chest. A chill crept over me now that I wasn’t in his arms.

He set the bag down, careful it was within his reach. “You asked how I could love you. I think you need to know before you walk away.”

Swallowing the lump in my throat I wasn’t sure I was ready to hear this. His hand came up before it dropped back to his side.  I focused on the vivid green of his eyes and the contemplative expression on his face when he spoke. “I could say it was because you’re beautiful. But that isn’t it. I could say it was because you are smart. Let’s face it that’s high on my list. Nothing’s worse than trying to hold a conversation with someone whose only interest is what’s the next hottest fashion or party to attend. But that’s not it either.”

Before me, he started to pace while his hand kept pushing back his hair as if he were struggling with the words he wanted to say. A second before he continued speaking, he stopped in front in me. “You have this fierceness in you layered by a lovely vulnerability.”

I caught his eye unsure if I should ask a question or hope he would explain. In answer to my silent question, his words again continued to pour from his heart. “You’re loyal. I see that with your friend Lizzy and now with your family. You may not want to live here, but you never talked bad or down about your family and their choices.” He paused before speaking again. “You fight for what you believe in. It would have been so easy for you to let those dollar transactions go. But you pursued it with tenaciousness where most people would have let it go. And you believe in fair play. When you talked to me about your work, you didn’t give up the client. You told me enough for advice but kept information that was meant confidential close. You play by the rules.”

That last comment had me thinking about what Mike said about me. I felt my cheeks flame.

A sly grin crept on his face when he said, “See, there’s that vulnerability I talked about.”

“That’s the undeniable sexual friction between us. I feel like I need a shower and you’ve barely touched me.” I was a little shocked after the frank words tumbled from my lips.

His mouth quirked. This wasn’t funny. I pointed a finger at his chest and advanced.  Humor delighted his face as he took steps back from my fury. “You think this is funny, but maybe that’s all we have is sex,” I deadpanned.

With his back flushed with against the wall, the curve of his mouth flattened to a straight line. Like a snake strike, he took my hand and pressed it against the hard muscle straining to break free. “Yes, I want you. I want to yank that skirt from the dirt and up around your waist. I want your legs wrapped so tightly around me there will be no beginning and ending to us. Damn right we have sexual compatibility. That’s not all we have though,” he retorted.

“You really think so, because I think it’s that damn commanding voice of yours that makes me want to follow your every order. That’s part of the reason I left this place. I don’t want to be told what to do.”

“There’s nothing wrong with wanting to lose control, lass. For you maybe it’s just in the bedroom where you like to be dominated.”

That word. I’d heard all about that word recently. “I’m no sub.”

“No, lass, you’re not.”

“And what do you know of it. Is that your thing? Because if it is, this can’t work,” I replied.

“So there is an
us
?” he questioned.

“I didn’t say that. I’m just letting you know that’s not me.”

“That’s not what I’m about either,” he said. “You can say that New York is an interesting place. I’ve met some people who enjoyed that type of thing. It was interesting to me because I like orchestrating what happens in the bedroom. I don’t want to totally rule over the woman I’m with. You, you have that fight in you but in bedroom you want me to take control. It works. It works for us.”

“Sometimes I don’t want that. I need tenderness too,” I admitted.

“Aye, lass,” he said touching my cheek. “Right now I want to fuck you hard and fast, but after I want to make love to you steady and slow.”

“Kalen,” I said moving my face from his hand.

“I know. As much as I want all those things, I won’t until I know that you’re finished with him.”

Unable to look at him, I stared off at the darkening sky. The sun had never made an appearance, so dusk came a lot faster.

“Have you let him have you?” he asked the question so slowly I could hear a trace of danger.

“I haven’t…” After the words were out of my mouth, I remembered what Turner and I had done.

“At least my thoughts of Murder One have lessened to Manslaughter.” He chuckled at his own humor bringing me out of those thoughts.

“I really should go find him,” I said absently.

He held up a hand. “Wait. We should leave tonight.”

I shook my head needing to find distance from this man before I gave into my growing need to be closer to him. “My father had me seeding the fields all day. I still need to talk to my sister first.”

“Fine, we have to leave by morning,” he said with finality.

“Okay,” I answered and started to walk away.

“One more thing,” he said stopping me.

His gentle tug on my arm caused me to crash into his solid chest. I peered up at him. I licked my lips in anticipation of his kissing me. His hand dropped. “We should talk about how we are going to disguise you.”

He bent down to reach in his satchel giving me a perfect view of his ass. I could feel my heartbeat ratchet up.

Chuckles rumbled out his throat. “Lass, my eyes are here,” he said pointing at them.

A groan escaped me. I was so overcome with lust that I’d been staring at his crotch.

“Tell me it’s me you choose and it’s all yours,” he offered.

I met his eyes.

He continued. “I’ll tell you that I won’t play second. I have to be your first choice or this isn’t going to work.”

“It’s not like that. I just need to talk to him first. He deserves that.” And more, but I kept that bit to myself.

“We’ll talk about that later. You’ll need this,” he said handing me a purse.

“What is this for?” I asked. “Do you think because people can’t name the color of this that they’ll be so busy staring at the purse than at me?”