Lie to Me (Sexual Misconduct Volume III) (5 page)

Avery

I woke alone and immediately glanced at Xander’s side of the bed. I couldn’t comprehend how I’d slept in it alone for years, but three months with Xander, and all of a sudden, he’d left an invisible imprint in my bed—claiming the spot as his. It all came down to these awful mornings where I’d wake up missing his soft morning kisses and heated glances.

I hated
myself for still craving him—for still loving him. There was no easy way to get over him, but I was determined to find it. Because as it stood now, he owned my heart, and I was almost convinced I was better off without it anyway.

As
a psychiatrist, I knew all the medical ways to twist and turn my feelings to make them all seem like a normal part of the breakup process. But the hollowness inside me wasn’t normal, and there was no textbook that told me how to fill it back up. I knew I was balancing on a dangerous line. Love was a catalyst for a whole slew of diseases. It wasn’t love that was the problem; it was how we dealt with the destruction that quickly pulled us under.

The
feelings he made me feel were too reckless for this to end well. Going from being blissfully in love to unbelievably hostile toward Xander happened so abruptly it was akin to having a fever and being thrown into an ice-filled tub of water. The shock of it had my body seizing and my emotions scrambling to make sense of the unexpected change. Hence, the ridiculous withdrawal I had from not waking next to Xander.

I
hopped out of bed, took a shower, and trudged into the kitchen. The house was quiet. With both Ellie and Xander out of my life, loneliness had become my true companion. Not that my life was brimming with people to begin with, but in one fell swoop, I’d lost Ellie, Xander, and Susan.

Susan
…

I
hid from the whole Susan issue for quite a while. I avoided her after the strange dinner we’d had at her house. It was as though I didn’t want to push for answers because I sensed total devastation.

I pretty much had figured out why she
’d become part of my life, but I needed to face her. It was Saturday, and I had absolutely no plans. I knew I had to make a trip to Pierce Manor so I’d stop mentally mapping out all the ways Susan had deceived me and get the truth out of her—if that were even possible coming from a Pierce.

~*~*~

I pulled up to Pierce Manor, and my gut clenched. The first time I came here with Xander, I thought it looked like a modern castle—really pretty but obnoxiously large for a small family. That day the rolling green lawns and the sheer extravagance of the place intimidated me. I just knew I wasn’t going to have anything in common with Mrs. Pierce, not realizing that I’d bonded with her for almost half my life.

I talked myself into getting out
of the car, climbing the stairs, and ringing the doorbell. Susan opened the door, the smile slowly fading from her face. She seemed a little taken aback by my arrival, but she had to know I’d come sooner or later.

Susan
was always youthful in her appearance despite being in her mid-fifties—light-brown shoulder-length hair, minor wrinkles around her gray eyes. Nothing like Xander’s color-fluctuating irises. He must’ve inherited a combination of his parents’ eyes, because they were quite unique.

“
Avery,” she greeted me cautiously as she stepped back and let me into the house. “Come. I was just about to have some coffee.”

She shut the door
, and I followed her through the foyer, down a long hallway, and into the kitchen. I sat at the table next to the window looking out onto a huge garden.

“
Cream and sugar in your coffee, right?”

I turned to her and our eyes met.
“I don’t want any coffee, Susan.”

“
How about tea?” She picked up a tea kettle.

“
No.”

“Oh, I have these fantastic muffins from the café in town.” She picked up a basket of baked goods and put it in the middle of the table.

“
Susan…” I ran a hand through my hair in frustration. “I’m not here to have breakfast. I think we both know why I’m here.”

She
stood over the table, staring at me. I gestured to the seat on the opposite end, and she sat. Our gazes locked, but we remained silent. The conversation we needed to have hung in the air, but I was almost afraid to have it. I didn’t want to lose Susan in my life, but I knew her taking care of me had never been about me.

“
So all these years—everything you did for me—it was all about Xander.” My tone was a raspy whisper, totally unrecognizable to me.

“
No,” she proclaimed as she tried to reach out for my hand but seemed to second-guess her decision, pulling them back into her lap.

“
Don’t lie to me, Susan. Not anymore.”

She sighed.
“It was never about Xander. It was always about taking care of a little girl who lost everything. The first time I saw you was at your parents’ funeral.”

I
tried to remember seeing Susan there, but I couldn’t. The whole day had been a blur to me. A lot of strangers—people I’d never met a day in my life—encroaching on my good-bye to my parents.

“
I asked around, trying to find out where you were going and who was taking you in. It wasn’t long before I discovered you were going to be put into the system. I needed to be able to keep an eye on you, make sure you were safe, so I lied to you.”

I clenched down on my jaw. I didn
’t come here to get angry, but that’s what I felt at the moment. “If you were so concerned with my safety, why didn’t you take me in? You live in this palatial home and had more than enough resources to make it happen.”

Her
gaze lowered to the table, and her shoulders slumped a bit. After a few quiet minutes, she spoke without meeting my demanding gaze. “I know you came here for honesty.”

“
So give it to me. You owe me that much.” I folded my hands on the table and waited.

She looked
up at me. “Honestly, I wanted to help you, but I couldn’t bring you here because I needed to protect my son and my husband.”

“
That’s bullshit.” She flinched because she was like a mother to me, and I’d never spoken that way to her. I was also shocked at the venom in my voice, but I couldn’t hold it back. “How would taking me in hurt them?”

“
Xander was so mentally broken after that accident I knew if he found out about you, it would be the last straw. He would’ve turned himself in, and Jonathan had already covered up the whole accident. Bringing you here would’ve put all that in jeopardy. If anyone found out that the mayor—who was up for the senate seat at the time—covered up his son’s role in an accident that ended in three deaths…” She sighed. “I know all this sounds selfish, but at the time, I was just trying to protect everyone involved.”

I shook my head.
“I trusted you.”

“
I know.”

“
You helped me grieve. You made me go see that doctor for my panic attacks. If it hadn’t been for your nudging me into going, I wouldn’t be a psychiatrist now. I wanted to help people the way Dr. Adams helped me. I never let anyone in the way I let you in, and now I find out it was all a lie—a cover-up.” I balled my hands up on the tabletop.

She reached out and
this time built up enough courage to wrap her hands around my clenched fist. I tried to pull away, but she held tight. “I know I chose Xander and Jonathan over you, but never doubt that I loved you. I always will.”

I hated how much I wanted to sweep everything under rug and accept
her, Ellie, and Xander back in my life. That was the worst part. There was a battle going on inside me between my heart and my brain. My brain saw everything clearly. It dealt in cold, hard facts. But my heart tended to blur the hard edges and focus in on the good memories, and it magnified my feelings like they were all that mattered.

“
If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be where I am now. I can’t say I’m not angry at you, but…” I shrugged. “You helped me with my college application, with my trust fund, and—”

I paused when Susan
swiftly pulled her hands off mine and looked away. “Susan?” I dragged out her name because of her weird reaction.

“
I don’t want to lie to you anymore.” She turned back to me, and I tried to go back over what I’d said to cause this reaction from her. She met my gaze but remained silent.

“
The trust fund?” It was the last thing I mentioned. She nodded, her lips tightly pressed together.

“
Was that really from my parents’ life insurance?” I narrowed my eyes and watched her suspiciously.

She
shook her head.

The
calm that had fallen over me began to disappear, and anger quickly took form inside me. “Where’d it come from?”

She didn
’t respond, and I was getting tired of the lies and the sudden speechlessness.

“
Where!” I slammed my fist on the table, causing Susan to startle.

“
There was a life insurance policy, but it wasn’t as large as the one you received.”

“
How much was it?”

“
Two hundred thousand.” She wrung her hands together.

“
There was over a million in that fund.” My voice was rumbling with unleashed rage. Everything was a lie. There were so many untruths surrounding me I wasn’t sure if I knew what my reality was anymore.

“
Jonathan and I decided to put something away for you until you were older,” she confessed.

“
Guilt money,” I accused.

“
No.”

“
Yes!” I jumped up from my seat, the chair scraping against the floor. “Your son killed my parents. Then you and your husband covered it up and paid me off to relieve your guilt.”

“
Avery, sweetie.” She stood, one hand reaching out for me, the other over her chest.

“
And what’s worse is you stood around and let Xander fuck with my heart, knowing what he’d done.” I pointed a finger at her.

“
Avery, please.” She gasped, hunching over and clutching her chest.

“
It’s true you facilitated this lie that is turning my life upside down.”

“
Avery…” Her breaths shortened and she began wheezing. “Ambulance,” she managed to say.

S
hit.

“
Susan?” I moved to her side and caught her before she crumbled to the floor. I pulled out my phone and quickly dialed 9-1-1. Her hold on my hand loosened. Then she whispered, “Sorry.”

She passed out as I talked to the operator. And all I could think as I waited for them to arrive was that Xander would think I took his mother away
just as he’d taken mine.

Xander

Ten fucking days.

This shit was driving me crazy. I knew when I decided to lie to Avery I took a huge risk, but in my head I couldn’t see anything past her leaving me. Now that she was actually gone, I was thinking I should’ve chosen differently.

My phone rang
, and when I saw Avery’s picture light up on the screen, I didn’t know what to think.

“
Hello,” I answered cautiously.

“
Xan…”
Fuck.
I hadn’t heard her say that in over a week. “You need to come to the hospital.”

“
What happened? Are you okay?” I snatched up my keys and raced to the door.

“
I’m fine… It’s your mother.”

“
My mom?” I paused before pulling open the car door, a bit taken aback.

“
We’re in the emergency room. Just get here, okay?”

The line went dead as I sped out the driveway.

I was confused and scared as hell. Why was Avery with my mom? And how the fuck did she end up in the emergency room? My foot was practically glued to the gas pedal, and my hands clenched the wheel so tight my knuckles were white.

~*~*~

When I arrived at the hospital, I found Avery huddled up with Ian in the emergency room waiting area. She stood and took a few steps my way when she noticed me coming toward them. I stopped in front of her and almost reached out to hold her, but she quickly took a step back as though she’d read my intention.

“
What the fuck happened to her?” I snapped. I was so on edge I didn’t even filter my anger when Avery was obviously wrecked about the situation.

“
It’s my fault.” She looked so dismal, and I was immediately sorry for coming off so strong.

“
It’s not your fault,” Ian said, stepping in behind her and putting his hands on her shoulders. She allowed him to, even leaned into his touch. I pretended to brush it off because, at that point, I needed to concentrate on my mother.

“
Why do you think it’s your fault?”

She stepped
forward and looked up at me. “I went to talk to her about… everything that happened.” She began twisting her hands together, then looked away. “I got angry and yelled at her. Then she started clutching her chest and asked for an ambulance. I’m sorry, Xander. I just went over there to talk.”

I reached out and took her hand
, knowing it was the only contact she’d allow. She turned her head back toward me and looked at our joined hands. “Is there any word on how she is?”

She shook her head,
her grip on my hand tightening before she released and returned to her seat with Ian at her side. I made my way to the desk and asked about my mother, but they gave me vague answers and told me to wait for the doctor to come out. Back in the waiting area, I sat across from Avery and watched as Ian kept leaning over and whispering to her.

W
hat the fuck are they talking about?

I didn
’t trust Ian not to use her vulnerability over this situation to take advantage of her. Time stretched, and with each passing moment, I became more anxious, wondering what was happening with my mother. If someone didn’t come out and talk to us soon, I was going to search the hospital until I saw with my own eyes she was okay.

She
’d had a heart condition for a while. She’d been shocked when my dad was the one to have the heart attack that took him from us, because he’d been reasonably healthy. Maybe the stress of his political position had been too much. Or maybe he was overwrought about a son who never made an effort to come home. I knew I couldn’t handle losing my mother so soon after my dad, so I convinced myself she was fine. Even though fear had a seriously tight grip on my heart.

Ian swept a hand into Avery
’s hair, pushing it behind her ear.
What the fuck?

“
Why the fuck do you keep touching her?” I was trying to hold it together, but it didn’t work. I came apart because I was tired of watching this sick show Ian was putting on for my sake.

They both turned to me
, Ian looking pleased to have pissed me off, and Avery all wide-eyed and shocked.

“
Don’t,” Avery said sharply.

“
Why are you letting him touch you? Since when did he become your consoler?” I furrowed my brows and held out my hands, palms up.

“
This is not the time nor the place, so drop it,” she hissed through clenched teeth.

Then when
is the time?
Now seemed as good a time as any. I needed a distraction, and putting my fist into Ian’s face might just work. Before I put my theory into action, a doctor stepped out and called our last name.

“
Your mother suffered a heart attack. She stable, and we’re running a battery of tests to assess the severity of the situation.”

Avery sucked in a sharp breath and covered her face with her hands. Ian wrapped an arm around her shoulder and whispered something into her ear.
Avery felt responsible, and I didn’t want that for her. Even if this was karma coming back for me, I knew I’d never adequately atone for my mistakes.

“
Can I see her?” I asked.

“
Once we get her settled in a room, then the nurse will let you up.” The doctor turned and left, and I couldn’t stick around and watch Ian coddle Avery any longer. I took off down the long hallway and tried to find somewhere to calm myself down before I got thrown out of the hospital when I knew my mother needed me.

~*~*~

I walked into the room they’d assigned my mother. The only sound was the steady beep of the monitor—proving my mom’s heart was still beating, and at that point, that was the only thing I needed to hear. Her coloring was so pale she almost matched the bedding. There were two large chairs set up near the windows. I dragged one to her bedside and sat with her for a long while.

“
I messed up, Mom. I’m sorry.” I reached out and took her hand in mine. She squeezed it feebly and then narrowly opened her eyes. She shifted in bed and sluggishly shook her head and pulled my hand closer.

“
Everything bad that’s happened in this family all circles back to me. I can’t handle you dying right now. What am I supposed to do without you? Please, Mom. Please. I know you’d happily give up and go to Dad, but it’s not time yet. I didn’t fix things with him. Let me fix them with you.”

“
I’m not going anywhere,” she managed, then began coughing.

“
Don’t talk, Mom.” I stood and helped her sit up slightly.

“
Water,” she whispered.

I picked up the small pitcher at her bedside and poured some water into a plastic cup. I helped her take a few sips
, then settled back into my seat.

She stared at me for a long while
, and I didn’t want to say anything to force her to speak, but the look in her eyes spoke volumes.

“
We both made mistakes,” she finally said.

I nodded, reached out
, and combed my fingers into her hair. “I know, Mom. And I’m going to fix it all… somehow.”

The
door opened as I ran my hand down her face. She leaned into it and smiled weakly as Ian stepped in behind me. I got up and walked out without sparing Ian a passing glance. As I stepped out into the hallway, I stopped short.

Avery
leaned against the opposite wall with her head down. She looked as devastated as I felt. I liked to have control of my emotions, but it seemed between my mother and Avery, I was spiraling downward. I stepped toward her, and she tried to sidestep to avoid me, but I pulled her into me and wrapped my arms around her. She began to struggle, trying to push away.

“
Please. Just let me hold you for a minute.”

We both needed it despite her refusal.
She slowly stopped struggling and sagged against me. I rested my chin on the top of her head and tightened my hold on her. I just wanted to feel what we had, even for a few seconds, but it wasn’t the same. Her reluctance was evident even when she loosely wrapped her arm around me. I wanted her back. I wanted her to want to hold me as much as I needed to hold her.

When
I pulled back and looked into her face, her eyes were glazed with unshed tears. It was the first time I’d seen her stone-cold hold on her emotions crack. I knew she was seriously hurting if she’d let me see her break this way. I wanted to help her—to take everything back and make our love perfect. But we were doomed from the beginning, and if either of us had realized our connection to the past, a future would’ve never existed for us.

“
I miss you,” I said, raking my fingers into her hair.

She inadvertently leaned into the caress and closed her eyes.
“Don’t, Xander… please.”

“
Why not?”

“
Because you and me together is sheer bedlam.” She pushed off my chest and took a step back, breaking our connection. “Look at us.” She waved her hands between us. “There are so many emotions in this hallway I don’t think anyone else can fit.”

“
So you admit you still love me?”

“
Love is minor considering the anger, loathing, contempt, and pain just to name a few of the emotions.”

I sighed, stuffing my hands into my pockets to keep from yanking her back to me.
“I don’t know what to say to you.”

“
There’s nothing to say. You killed my parents, and now I might have killed your mom. It’s not looking like love will stand a chance among the wreckage.” She walked off, gliding down the long hallway with her head down and her arms crossed.

Despite
all the wreckage and chaos, my heart followed her down that hallway.

So fucking pathetic how I can
’t just let her go.