Lies I Told (14 page)

It was a Friday afternoon in early November when I came downstairs to find the Allied installation team packing up and leaving. Selena had talked me into joining her for a walk at the Cove, and I had come home from school to change into jeans and a sweater. I grabbed an apple from a bowl on the kitchen table as my mom closed the front door on the last of the installation workers.

“Is that it?” I took a bite of the apple, avoiding her eyes. It had been two weeks since my argument in the car with Parker after Logan's party, and I still felt guilty about breaking the War Room rule. Parker's attitude, and my own anger toward him, had made me reckless. I considered confiding in my mom, telling her everything—Parker's increasingly sullen moods, his unwillingness to integrate with Logan's group, the darkness that seemed to be eating him alive all
over again. But I couldn't do it. I didn't know what my dad would do to Parker, but he'd already been warned. We weren't there yet. Things were still under control. More or less.

My mom nodded, heading for the dishwasher. “I'll show you how to work the alarm keypad before you go. It's pretty simple.”

“Great.”

“What are you up to tonight?” she asked.

“I'm going to the beach with Selena, and then we're going to grab something to eat,” I said.

She raised her eyebrows. “No Logan?”

“We're going out tomorrow night.” I couldn't tell her that I needed a break from Logan. Not because I didn't like him, but because I had to brace myself to see him, prepare myself for the war raging almost constantly in my head. The battle between heart and head, a battle that only had one possible outcome.

“That's nice,” she said. “Probably better to not to be too available anyway. Keep him interested.”

I gave her a halfhearted smile as she ran the tap in the kitchen sink.

“What about Rachel and the other girls?” she asked, loading a few glasses into the dishwasher. “I thought you were focusing on them?”

Her choice of words was appropriately vague, but I knew what she was getting at: She didn't think Selena was important. She wasn't as rich as the others, wasn't as cemented into the group.

“Selena's one of us now,” I explained. “Plus, she's played the role of observer for a long time. You'd be surprised what she knows.”

I hated myself for saying it, even if it was true. My friendship with Selena wasn't about the con.

My mom nodded. “I can see that.”

“What are you up to?” I asked, eager to deflect attention away from myself.

“There's a board meeting for PHCT. We're putting the finishing touches on their annual fund-raiser, which as it turns out, is held at the Fairchild house.”

PHCT was the acronym for the Playa Hermosa Community Theater group. It had become a common topic of conversation around the house ever since my mom had joined the board to get close to Logan's mom. So far she hadn't had much luck, and I wondered if Leslie had some kind of bullshit detector that made her suspicious of my mom. Deep down, I think I was rooting for Leslie, hoping she would somehow steer clear of the toxic manipulation that was part of every con.

“That sounds nice,” I said.

My mom laughed. “If hanging out with a bunch of bored housewives is what you consider nice.”

Isn't that what you are?
I thought. I bit it back, shaking my head against the tide of hostility that that seemed to be seeping from my pores, leaking like an oil spill contaminating the waters of my relationship with my mom. She wasn't doing anything wrong. Nothing the rest of us weren't doing, anyway.

I reached over and gave her a spontaneous hug, startling her as she shut the door to the dishwasher.

She laughed. “What's that for?”

“Just a reminder that I love you.”

“I love you, too, Gracie.” She gave me a squeeze and smoothed my hair. “Have fun tonight.”

I grabbed my bag and the keys to the Saab and headed outside. I had no idea where Parker was, but he'd left the car, so I figured it was fair game. I was almost to the driveway when I heard the crooning from next door.

They said someday you'll find

All who love are blind.

I hesitated, feeling the draw of the fence. Why was I compelled to look? The man next door had nothing to do with me. With us.

I hurried past the fence and to the car.

After I picked up Selena, we headed to the Cove. I parked, and we snaked our way down the cliff and stepped onto the empty beach. The sky was heavy with clouds. They hung over the ocean, turning the water steely gray, blocking out what little sunlight remained in the day. I zipped up my jacket and stuffed my hands in the pockets.

“It's quiet,” I said.

She nodded. “It's the weather. And the time of year. After October, everyone kind of hunkers down for the winter.”

I laughed. “It's not like it's super cold or anything.”

She smiled. “Says the girl from San Francisco.”

It was a reminder of my betrayal, and my laughter faltered. “So what are you saying? You guys are wimps in SoCal?” I joked.

“Basically. Most of the parties will be held indoors now, or on someone's patio.” She looked around as we made our way to the water's edge. “It's why I like it so much this time of year.”

I looked around and smiled. The fact that Selena preferred overcast skies and an empty beach was just one more sign that we were kindred spirits.

It was too cold to take off our shoes, and we walked just out of the water's reach, the rhythm of the waves like a mantra, slowly calming the endless loop in my head. The one that was always rehearsing what to say next, rehashing what had already been said, plotting my next step. Selena's company helped, too. She had never even asked about Parker, about the way he'd acted at Logan's party. It was one of the things I loved about her: she had no need to label or define things. They were what they were.

We walked in silence until the Strand, a stretch of concrete that ran all the way from the Cove to Malibu, was in sight. Then we turned around and headed back the way we came.

“I think about her a lot when I come here,” Selena suddenly said.

I looked over at her. “Your mom?”

“It's silly, especially since we know she's living a new life somewhere.”

“Yeah, but for a while, you thought she disappeared here,” I said.

“I hardly remember what it was like to have her around,” she admitted. “I think I just miss the idea of her, you know?”

I nodded. It was exactly how the concept of normal was for me: a vague notion, an almost memory of the way things were supposed to be.

She stopped walking and turned to me. “Anyway, I want to give you something.” She held out her hand. Two silver bracelets sat in her palm, each with half an interconnecting heart dangling from the chain. “She bought these when I was fourteen. One for her and one for me. She . . .” Selena took a deep, shaky breath. “She sent hers back with her letter.”

I looked down at the bracelets, trying to think of something to say that would ease Selena's pain. My mom and I might not be biologically related, but she would never, ever do to me what Selena's mother had done to her.

“I'm sorry,” I said. “You deserve so much better. But I . . . I can't accept it. It's too much.”

“I hope you will. Because for a long time, I felt alone, and now . . . well, not so much. Because of you.” She smiled. “And I kind of miss wearing mine.” She slipped one of the bracelets onto her wrist and held the other one out to me. “Think of it as a friendship bracelet.”

I took it from her hand, torn between gratitude and guilt. “Thank you.”

I didn't deserve it. Didn't deserve such an important
symbol of Selena's friendship. But not taking it would hurt her, and that was something I wasn't willing to do. Plus, I wanted it. Wanted the tangible reminder that I was connected to something—to someone—real.

We put the bracelets on, holding our wrists out to admire them. She grabbed my arm as we headed back to the cliffs. By the time we got there, it was almost entirely dark.

“I don't know about you,” Selena said as we huffed our way up the trail toward the parking lot, “but I feel like I've earned some cheese fries.”

I laughed. “Totally.”

Mike's was packed, and we stood at the front, scanning the crowd for an open table. It was the first time I'd been there, but it could have been any burger joint in any city in the country, complete with pleather booths, scuffed linoleum floor, and an old Space Invaders game against the wall.

Selena pointed to a couple of tables at the back. “Everyone's here.”

I followed her gaze. Logan was taking a drink from his soda glass while Liam laughed next to him. Raj and Olivia scribbled on the back of one of the paper menus, and Rachel was deep in conversation with Harper and David. They looked completely at ease, like it was a scene they'd played out a hundred times before. It made me feel my apartness all over again. I was just a guest star, a walk-on in the television show of their lives. They got to really live it.

Logan glanced around the room and caught my eye. A grin lit up his face, and he immediately stood and headed toward me.

“Hey, you!” He leaned in and kissed me on the lips, right in front of everyone. “Your face is cold.” He rubbed my shoulders. “Did you get my text?”

I shook my head, pulling my phone from my bag. “When did you send it?”

“About a half hour ago,” he said. “I wanted to see if you were up for hanging with us tonight.”

I looked at my phone, seeing the unread text. “We were at the beach. I don't think I get a signal down there.”

He put his arm around me. The smell of his cologne, light and a little spicy, caused something to stir in my stomach. Something warm and familiar but exciting, too.

“You're here now,” he said. “Come on. We'll make room.” He led us back to the table, making small talk with Selena as we went. I liked that about him: the way he never left anyone out. The way he seemed to like everyone.

“Hey, hey! The gang's all here!” David said when he spotted us. He grabbed a chair and pulled it next to him, gesturing to Selena that she should take it.

She smiled shyly and sat down. “Thanks.”

Everyone shuffled a little, and Raj moved to the other side of Logan so that I could take his seat.

“You look a little windblown,” Rachel said. “What have you two been up to?”

“We went for a walk at the Cove.”

She nodded, the lift of her eyebrows making it seem like there was something shady about taking a walk on the beach.

“Where's Parker?”

It occurred to me that it wasn't the first time she'd asked me the question. In fact, it seemed she was always asking, always noticing that Parker wasn't around. I was surprised she still cared after the way he'd blown her off. Then again, I didn't know everything Parker did. Maybe he hadn't blown her off after all.

“I have no idea,” I said. “He doesn't exactly keep me up to date on his schedule.”

She nodded and went back to her conversation with Harper, but I was unsettled. Not by her question. I was used to those by now. But part of me had assumed Parker was with Logan and the guys, especially since he'd left the Saab parked in front of the house on Camino Jardin. If he wasn't here, and he wasn't at home . . . where was he?

I sent him a quick text and pushed my worry aside. He was probably working whatever angle my dad had him on at Allied. He'd be home when I got there.

Selena and I added two orders of cheese fries and two Cokes to the check, and we spent the next hour and a half talking and laughing with the group, arguing over which eighties songs to play from the kitschy jukeboxes at every table. I was filled with an unfamiliar brand of contentment. Surrounded by Logan and the others in the cocoon that was Mike's, the rest of the world was far away. It almost
seemed possible to continue being friends with Harper and Olivia, with Raj and Liam and David. Continue getting closer to Logan, the con some far-off end in the distance, a little blurry and a lot less real than what was right in front of me.

By the time I got home, it was after eleven. I was surprised to find my dad sitting at the kitchen table, a glass of what looked like his favorite Scotch in front of him.

He looked up when I came in. “Hey. How was it?”

I put my bag down and sat across from him. “Fine. Selena and I took a walk and then we met up with the others at Mike's.”

There were questions in his eyes, but I knew he wouldn't ask them outside the War Room. He glanced behind me.

“Where's Parker?”

My stomach lurched. “I thought he was here.”

“Haven't seen him all night.” He took a drink from his glass. “Maybe he's out with Rachel Mercer.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Yeah, maybe.” Standing, I leaned down and kissed his cheek. “I'm going to bed. Good night.”

“Night, Gracie.”

I trudged up the stairs and got ready for bed. Then I turned out the light and slid between the sheets, my mind churning. Parker wasn't with Rachel, he wasn't with the guys, and he hadn't taken the Saab. If he'd been working on Allied, my dad would have known about it.

So where was he? Panic bubbled up inside me. Could he
have left? Abandoned our parents—and me—like he'd been planning?

I shook my head in the dark. Parker wouldn't do that. Whatever had happened between us, however tense things were, he wouldn't leave me behind. I knew it. Knew him.

Then I thought about the words sung by the man next door:

They said someday you'll find

All who love are blind.

And suddenly I wondered how well I really knew Parker. How well any of us knew one another.