Life Is Not a Fairy Tale (11 page)

I even love my lips now. Once I began to love my lips, everyone else did too. I have heard about women who pay thousands of dollars for those injections to make their lips look more like mine. I was blessed with lips like this and I don’t have to pay a dime for them! All those years, I was afraid of what guys would think about my lips. Now, I have guys come up to me and say, “You have beautiful lips. Can I kiss them?” The answer is always, “No!” of course, but what a difference those comments have made for my self-esteem. I have to beat the boys off of me because of my lips. This is how God made me. That was his plan for me to finally see that His gifts are not always punishments.

Having positive self-esteem does take time. Like I say, it’s a lifelong process. I think most women go through it. First, we’re dissatisfied with ourselves, then we start complainin’ about body parts and start tryin’ to hide them. Then we make our peace with them and start learning how to use them. Now, when I sign autographs, I draw the image of my lips under my signature. My lips are my autograph. Instead of trying to think of a positive message to tell other young women, my lips say it all. They are my trademark. That is why I had the image of my lips tattooed on my hip, so I never forget what made me who I am today. These are my big lips that God gave me to sing with.

After
Idol,
I started seeing myself in pictures regularly, and I noticed my skin looked a half a shade lighter than before and much brighter. My skin really wasn’t lighter, of course, but happiness and confidence had put a glow on my face. Even though my face did look different from old family photographs because I had a professional makeup artist sometimes, I know it was also because I was glowing
inside,
and not only did I look different, I felt different. I even used to hate my smile because it was so wide. In all of my earlier photos, I didn’t smile very much. But now, I smile so wide that I can brighten up a whole room. That’s what people say, and I finally believe them.

It may seem hard to believe, but I also used to hate my name. Fantasia was such an unusual name and nobody else had it except for that stupid movie. Since I was already feeling like an outsider because of my looks, the name was just another thing for people to tease me about. The movie,
Fantasia,
had come out, and the kids were teasing me at school sayin’, “I saw your movie and I didn’t like it!” I hadn’t seen the movie and didn’t know anything about it. Just thinking about it, I fantasized that the movie would be about a girl named Fantasia and she would be just like me,
and
she was happy. My mother bought a bootleg copy of the movie for me to see and she says that all she could hear from the other room after I put it on was me cryin’ and sayin,’ “This movie ain’t nothin’. This ain’t nothin’!” Turns out the movie was about magic and magic potions. I was mostly disappointed because the happiness in the movie wasn’t the happiness that I needed to believe in. It was a cartoon. There wasn’t even a girl named Fantasia in the movie.
And Fantasia wasn’t real.
Now when I think about the name Fantasia, it sounds unusual, like a singer’s name. Grandma Addie was right when she picked this name for me. It sounds like “Aretha” or “Stevie Wonder” or “Elton John.” It’s different and that’s what makes it memorable.

In case you’re wondering, I don’t need a man to make me feel beautiful, either—my family takes care of that. My grandma never misses one of my TV appearances. After each one, she calls and cries on the phone saying how beautiful I looked on stage. My mother also catches every TV appearance and she always calls or leaves me messages commenting on how I was “rockin” those shoes or “wearin’ the heck out of that dress.” Zion’s opinion matters the most, because I want to be a mother who she can look up to. I want to be a mother who she might hope to become someday. Mama always puts Zion on the phone and she always says without fail, “Mommy, you are so pretty.” Why would I need a man to make me feel any better than that?

Like I said, there is no greater relationship than the relationship that we have with our children. Our children are gifts from God, and although it’s a struggle to face the consequences of having kids young, we all have to keep our heads up and be proud of our children and not ashamed of them. People have a way of making us baby mamas ashamed of our kids and our circumstances, but the thing about our kids is that they are totally pure and innocent and they can be anything we want them to be or anything they want to be.

For me, I think of Zion as the princess and strong woman that I want to be an example of. Mainly I want her to not become the person that her father is. Because I treat Zion like what I want for her, she falls into it. So, baby mamas, don’t do that to your kids—treating them like you wish you could treat their fathers. Even if they do look just like their daddy, or even if they act a little like him, your kids are not their fathers. They are precious gifts from God and they deserve a future of love and happiness and
hope.
Cherish the relationship with your children; it’s the only lifelong relationship you will have, and it’s the most important relationship.

The love that comes from your children is the
truth.
It doesn’t depend on how you look or how your dress fits you. When your children look at you, it is almost as if they are blind to any of the outside things that the world is so concerned with. They can’t see your clothes or your makeup or that you need to get your hair done. All they see is
you. Don’t get me cryin’!

Of course I would love to someday have a man who makes me feel beautiful. I have tried having a relationship during this year of
Idol,
and it hasn’t always worked out. Dealing with men can be hard work! I have dated several young men who have become friends, mostly, but one relationship in particular could have become something, but we were both too young and too immature to handle it. Although it hurts me to think of losing him, I have already put my romantic life back into God’s hands. Although I have been able to build my self-esteem substantially, sometimes I have moments that are filled with loneliness. No matter how confident I have become and no matter how much my family and friends support me, it’s only natural that people want to be paired up. I think it hurts the most for us single mothers because we had a child
with
someone and now something is missing, no one is there. As all women, I do want a man in my life to help me raise my child, but I’m at least ready and willing to wait for the right one.

The rest of my self-esteem story ends much like a fairy tale. When I was shooting
Idol
and I had made it to the Top 4, my friend Erin and I were walking through the mall in Los Angeles looking for the MAC store. I had started wearing MAC makeup during the
Idol
competition because they gave it to all of the contestants. We were looking for the store and I was pretending that I was one of the people on the displays over the makeup counter. I was making faces, poutin’ my lips out, and pretending that I had a deal with MAC to endorse the lipsticks. Erin said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if MAC offered you some kind of endorsement deal because of your lips?” I said, “That is
never
going to happen.”

About two months later, I got a call from someone from my management company saying that MAC called and they wanted to use me for a line of Fantasia lipsticks. The lipstick would be called the Fantabulous line. They proposed creating two different shades of Lip Glass for me. The two were to be called Fantabulous 1 and Fantabulous 2. Lip Glass is really just lip gloss. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t stop shaking. It was unbelievable that a cosmetic company would want to use me and promote a woman who looks like me. I loved the colors and they never ran or smudged off my big lips. I had a blast working with the folks at MAC and picking out the colors for my two Fantabulous shades. We decided on one that was a deep purple and another that was a shiny bronze color.

Soon after that, I was also asked to endorse American Rag jeans—can you believe it? S&B, Skin and Bones, endorsing a line of jeans. It seems like the person that I told myself I was, I
wasn’t.
The people at MAC and American Rag saw me as “beautiful,” “appealing,” and “real.” It makes me wonder why I wasted so much time hating myself when it was true that people did love me and who I was. The thing that I learned is that loving yourself is the only way to live.

The American Rag was perfect for me because they are the only jeans that are cut for women who have especially long legs. I have always been all legs. I was told they wanted me because they had seen my body type and liked my style and what I stood for. The ads had a picture of me in the jeans and it reads, “I’m an American.” They thought that I represented the casual side of being an American and an
American Idol.
They said that I am
real.
American Rag even designed a line of jeans with the outline of my lips on the pocket in silver studs. Isn’t that a trip?

During my American Rag endorsement, I was also asked to be a part of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. They asked me to be on the United States Postal Service float, which was the Winner’s Float, alongside Olympic track stars. I was asked to sing “I Believe,” which was fitting for me because although I had dreams, I still couldn’t believe that I was standing on that float in New York City, in the most famous parade in the
world.
Who would have believed that I, an ugly ducklin’ with a strange name, would became an American Idol and a model? But if you believe in God, everything is possible.

What is
impossible
is going through life feeling that you have no worth. We girls all have to stop believing the media and the images that they keep puttin’ out there for us and our daughters that make us hate ourselves and make us feel like we are not beautiful and not good enough, when we really are. Most people are sick of seeing tall, skinny girls with perfect faces and perfect features. These women and men don’t really represent the majority of the population, who are trying everything including surgery, takin’ pills, exercising themselves to death, and starving themselves just in hopes of looking like them, with no luck.

Being beautiful is a state of mind. It has nothing to do with your physical self. Think of all those stories that we hear about people like Oprah Winfrey, who was told that she could never be on television because her face wasn’t pretty enough. Now she owns television with the biggest talk show ever and is a TV and film actress as well.

You never know what you are capable of until you decide what you want and then you just have to go for it. By just being on
American Idol,
I have been blessed with so many other opportunities. Again, I think it was because I finally found my gift. If you have something that you want to do or become, find the people who have the same passion that you have. Go to the places they hang out and let them know you’re there. Show them you have a gift and that you can contribute to the group. Show them you believe in yourself and that you are eager to listen and learn. You can do anything that you put your mind to. Think about me and where I’ve come from. Remember, all the things I’ve been through and all the people who have doubted me and all the times I doubted myself. And one last thing I need you to remember: Always keep your head up.

G
od wants
all of His children to keep their heads up. That is why God gave all of His children talents and wants each of us to acknowledge each other and our God-given talents. God wants us to all give and get our props! I am a child of God, so in my spirit there should be no jealousy, competitiveness, or playa’ hatin’. You will hear people say that I have a “big heart.” You will also hear people say that I am “generous to a fault.” I believe that there is no such thing as that. How can there be fault in being generous? I do consider myself to be generous, but not to a fault. It is in my blood to want to help people and to love them.

This is not to say that I have always been like that. As you know, I’m not perfect. And back in the days when I was envying all the other girls who were prettier than me and had more money than me and more things than me, I did feel
jealous
of them. I ain’t gonna lie. But when I think back to those days and those feelings, I realize that feelin’ jealous or hatin’ on people for what they had didn’t bring me to where I am today. And those feelings were one of the things that kept me from improving my life.

My mother used to say, “What goes around, comes around.” When I was younger, I didn’t really understand the truth in that. Now I see that she meant you can either send out negative energy, like jealousy, gettin’ that in return, or you can send out praise and receive that back instead. The energy that I spent on wishing I could be someone else or having what they had was a total waste of my time and energy, which I could have spent growing as a person and improving myself. Instead of sitting in that classroom daydreaming about those other girls, I wish I had been propping them up and complimenting their hair or saying how pretty their faces were. It would have brought me much closer to what I thought I wanted without creating those feelings of tension and pity that was my whole school experience. I wish I had known then what I know now about how to be real with people and how to give props when props are due.

I guess I have learned about props from the church. Holiness makes you vocal. It lets you say what you feel. Sometimes, instead of saying “Hallelujah” when I heard a beautifully sung riff, I would turn to whomever was standing near me and ask: “Did you hear that?” At church I was exposed to a whole lot of singers. Most of those singers had big talent. They were not only singin’, they could
saang
! Church singers typically listen to a lot of different styles of music, and every style influences them. Within gospel there are hymns, stomps, choral pieces, solos, contemporary, traditional, and now even hip-hop. Gospel music is truly special because the gospel artists find so many ways to express their love and appreciation for Jesus. Gospel singers have the gift to be able to put the passion of loving God into their music in a way that touches people who don’t even believe in God. These singers are able to show their love for God in a romantic way that musically feels like rhythm and blues, which touches everybody’s heart. Certain emotions in gospel music need to borrow from other styles. Certain phrases about loving Jesus can be scatted and not traditionally sung. The unusual approach makes the song stand out as well as that particular lyric. It is all in the delivery. Sometimes an old-time hymn may be updated to borrow influences from blues music. What I have always loved about gospel music is that it takes from the black experience, and so the music has a feeling that touches everyone who has ever known about pain and struggle, even if you are not saved. The amazing thing that gospel music does is touch people’s spirits with all the truth, drama, and emotion that come from livin’.

By being in church, I saw how important people are to me. When you’re in the church you get a chance to see people going through every period of their lives. At church you see how fragile people can be. You see people who are happy and thanking God for blessings, but you also see people who have just lost their child or husband or have been diagnosed with a deadly disease. You see the most faithful people angry and questioning God’s love. Other times, you see people who are wantin’ one more chance and they are worshipping Him so strongly that you can taste their desperation. Church folks have taught me everything I know about life and happiness and sorrow, good and evil, riches and poverty. This has given me a loving view of people and that is why, to this day, I never meet a stranger. I have a loving attitude about everyone who I meet. I guess that is what makes me “country.” I’m willing to be open with the way that I feel about people. I have no strain about lovin’ people.

When I won
American Idol,
besides making my album, my first experience was going on the
American Idol
tour. The Top 10 Idols performed in fifty-two cities, showcasing our talent. The press spoke so much about how generous I was with the spotlight on the tour. I never understood how I could have been any other way.

The tour began in mid-July and ended in early October in Singapore. We went to fifty-two cities. Our normal schedule was to perform one night, then travel and have the next night off. We went to fifty-two cities in North America and then went to Singapore, which was a first for the tour. We visited Salt Lake City, Utah; Milwaukee, Wisconsin; Cincinnati, Ohio; Sunrise, Florida; Toronto, Ontario; and Honolulu, Hawaii, just to name a few. It was an awesome chance to see America and meet the people who put us where we were.

We rehearsed for two weeks in Los Angeles before the tour started. The rehearsals were hard, but it was fun for me to be back with my other favorite Idols like Jasmine, Camille, La Toya and George, remembering and reliving all that had happened in such a short amount of time. Millions of people had watched
American Idol
week after week, and fans became addicted to experiencing the ups and downs of regular people living their dreams. The
American Idol
tour is a way for the audience to see their favorite singers and enjoy watching everyone perform without having to worry about who will get eliminated and end up being crushed at the end of the night.

When the tour rehearsals first started, I naïvely thought the songs had been divided equally among everyone. When I looked at the song list, I had a bunch of songs. They basically had me doing the whole show. I was performing solos and duets and group numbers—it was crazy! So when it was time to go to the first official rehearsal, it seemed that the producers were trying to make it the “Fantasia Show” because I had won. I felt like it wasn’t fair because there were nine other winners there and the people didn’t only want to see me and Diana DeGarmo. I wanted to share the spotlight, so I gave up a couple of my solos. I wanted everyone to be able to have a chance to sing and be
heard.
We had all worked hard to get there and this was the time that everyone could show what they had. I was known for disrupting rehearsal by changing things around. I would say to the producers, “Let so and so sing that one!” or “Let him sing that, too!” We all love to sing, so I was simply givin’ props where they were due. Sharin’ the love—givin’ everyone their chance to receive the love from our audience.

Everyone in the Top 10 was so likable and so talented. We got along so well. (I know most people don’t believe that, but it’s true.) Of course, we had our disagreements, much like brothers and sisters do. We argued about what to eat, or who was late getting to the stage, or we teased each other when our hair was not done or when someone was losing or gaining weight. There were small disagreements but because of the amount of stress we were under, the disagreements often escalated into something bigger. Sometimes there was “drama”—but only until show time. One of the producers told me that we were actually the best group ever in terms of gettin’ along and lookin’ out for each other.

Sometimes, the Idols were sick of seein’ each other because we were sick of ourselves. We would see each other in passing and joke, “You haven’t gone home yet?” We were getting
tired.
There was not a lot to do when we weren’t singing or on the bus. Jasmine, John, and Diana were all traveling with their mothers. Amy Adams was engaged and had her fiancé with her. La Toya was married and was always in her room talking on the phone to her husband. There were not a lot of places to go and not much time, so Camille and I just spent our evenings alone, talking until we couldn’t talk any more.

Jennifer Hudson and La Toya London were so supportive and always helped me out when I needed them. For example, I had a dentist appointment and needed an emergency root canal. I asked them to sing my songs and they did. La Toya, Jennifer, and I were all tight, and when I asked them to sing in my place, it was always cool. I felt the same thing about the other talented Idols. Most of the people who are on
Idol
don’t just listen to pop radio and R&B radio alone. They listen to all kinds of music and appreciate all of it. They come from all over the country with all kinds of music backgrounds. I’m sure that I taught the singers on our tour some things about gospel music, but I learned a lot from them, too. One of the things I learned from other singers is to be more subtle in my delivery of certain songs. Everything can’t be so dramatic and full of hollerin’ like church music usually is. I needed to learn that. I learned from some of the other Idols to take my time with a song. I also learned from all of them that your roots are what make up your style as a singer. I found out that what comes natural to me is what usually works best.

I did feel confident about my performance, not because I won on
Idol
or because I thought I was the best, but because I knew that I was very comfortable being me, and to me that is what makes me a good singer. Every night, I felt like I was going out there givin’ ’em my type of singin’, which is singin’ from the church. It’s the singin’ that I had been doing as long as I could remember. I took every song and was always “’Tasia wit’ it.” Sometimes the other singers would try to switch up their styles, but I never switched mine. I kept it ’Tasia. For me, a jazz song or a country song or whatever, I just sang it like I was makin’ ’Tasia art. I always want my singin’ to be beautiful and I always want it to be a part of me.

The
American Idol
tour was a very busy time for me. After three years of sitting on the couch, I could not have imagined being
sooo
busy. Everyone else got to use their days off relaxin’, sightseein’, or just kickin’ it. I, on the other hand, was busy making my album. Winning American Idol meant that my album had to be completed as soon as possible so that my fans could hear my music. On nights before a scheduled day off, I was taken to the airport immediately following a show to fly to Los Angeles to work on my album. The tour schedule was crazy, and it was often frustrating to live on a bus for almost four months! When I felt frustrated and restless, I would think back to those nights on the porch at Montlieu Avenue, singing like it was all I knew and the only thing we had to call our own. Those nights I was dreamin’ that someday I would have the “problem” of being on tour and singing my heart out every day to thousands of people. Every time I remembered that dream, I was just thankful to be on that plane, with no sleep.

I have grown so much in myself, so I am able to say to you, now, in all honesty, that everybody on the tour was
really good.
I could never hate on them, ever. The other Idols were amazed at how excited I was when others were singin’ and doin’ their thing. If someone hit a great note or did something that moved my spirit, I was sayin’ somethin’ out loud. I was constantly walking around backstage sayin’, “Did you hear that note?”

On tour, my favorite Idols were George Huff, Jennifer Hudson, Camille Velasco, and La Toya London. George Huff is a
baad
brotha’ who had very good vocal control on the tour. I don’t really recognize notes and I can’t read music, but George knows notes and his vocal arrangements were so crazy. He could do things that left me wondering, “How did he do
that?”
George was very soulful and you could tell that he, too, was raised in the church. When George performed he made you want to get up out of your seat. I always see myself as having an old sound and George does too. When he would smile, he would brighten up my whole day.

Jennifer Hudson reminded me of Roberta Flack. Jennifer didn’t need a microphone. I was just amazed when I heard her sing and always thought, Where is she comin’ from with that voice? Jen had that type of power! You could hear her coming from a mile away. She was just soulful, soulful, soulful!

La Toya was different than the others. She was laid back and soothing with her singin’. Her voice was light but soulful. I could sit back and relax when listening to La Toya’s voice. She has a beautiful voice with such good vocal control. Her voice reminds me of all those times when I was growing up and my mother was cleaning the house on Montlieu Avenue and she would have Anita Baker playing.

John Stevens had an older vocal and he sounded like Frank Sinatra, and people love Frank Sinatra. That is what got him to the Top 10. John had a
different
vocal, and when he didn’t have a good round on the show, it was just because he was so young and nervous. He would be singing Broadway music and he was sixteen and doing it so well. When you really heard him, you could hear that he had a beautiful voice and it was a little sexy. The older ladies loved him.

Camille is someone I became very close with during my
American Idol
experience. She reminded me of me a little bit and I had that bond with her of going through struggles and overcoming some obstacles. We both fight for what we believe and know that nothing is impossible. We are still close to this day.

All the Idols stood out for me and made me realize that I wished I played the keyboards, so I could do more with my songs and be able to play them as soon as they come to my mind. That just goes back to me thinkin’ about how much I have, but how much I lost when I was younger and not going to school. I should know how to read music as much as I love it. It made me sad when I saw George up there, playin’ and singin’ and writin’ his own songs right when they came to his head. What power that would be. If you love music and you’re studying music, you’ll have the power to create whatever comes into your mind and your spirit. It just reminds me that while I have had this extraordinary change in my life, there is still so much that I have missed that I want to catch up on.