Life Or Something Like It (34 page)

Finn gave her a scathing look. ‘Well you’re a loss to the social sector.’

‘Don’t you dare judge me.’ Cat’s anger was about to boil over. ‘I think you should go. I think we’ve said enough. Let’s just say this was a holiday romance that didn’t last.’ She turned away.

‘If you think that, you’re a bigger fool than that clown Jesse.’

‘Actually that clown has just told me that he loves me.’ The words flew out of her mouth before her brain had a chance to stop them.

Finn looked as if he’d been punched. ‘And what does his wife say about that?’

‘They’re getting divorced.’

Finn’s laugh was edged with bitterness. ‘Oh that’s great. That’s just brilliant.’

‘What?’

Finn looked at her as if he’d suddenly gleaned an essential truth. ‘I thought you were a fool when actually I’ve been the biggest fool of all.’

‘What do you mean?’

He turned on her. ‘Listening to you, caring for you, falling for you and all the time it was part of a game, wasn’t it?’

‘No.’ Cat’s eyes pricked with tears. ‘It wasn’t a game. Not at all.’

He stared at her, his face clouded with sorrow. ‘I love you. I want nothing more than to make you happy. Why can’t that be enough for you?’

Cat felt an ache in her chest as she replied. ‘You and I walk through very different worlds.’

‘So?’ The question hung in the air like a dare. ‘It is possible to have different lives and still love one another. If you could only allow yourself to be loved, to stop trying to control your life and putting up barriers, you could be happy. We could be happy.’

Cat felt tears spring to her eyes. ‘I’m sorry,’ she sobbed. ‘I’m just so sorry.’

Part of her longed for Finn to come to her as he had in the beach hut in Suffolk, to wrap his arms around her and to cover her face with kisses but he was standing by the door now. ‘I have to protect myself,’ he said quietly. ‘I should go.’ A voice in her head told her to call him back, to tell him she was scared and that she wanted him to help her but a louder voice, the one that loved her old life and was tempted by Jesse’s declaration, let him go. She heard the sound of a car engine and Finn driving away.

She sat in the chair for a while and cried silent tears as thoughts tumbled through her brain: of her beloved brother, of sweet Ellie and dear Charlie and the realisation that she missed them more than she knew, of Jesse, of Finn and of her mum and dad, loved and cherished, their absence still a hard fist of grief at the core of her soul. The desperate loneliness of sadness overwhelmed her. After a time, she reached for her phone and dialled a number. It was answered after two rings.

‘Hi, it’s me. Listen, I know you’re probably already home and this might sound crazy but do you want to come back? I don’t want to be alone.’

The reply was warm, reassuring and familiar. ‘Of course I do, Kit Kat. I’ll be round in half an hour.’

Chapter Twenty-Three

Cat Nightingale was late. It was only the third or fourth time in her life that this had happened. She was on her way to meet Ava for brunch and as she dodged the weekenders milling on the streets of Soho, she felt an unfamiliar jittery panic dance through her body. It was deeply unsettling. People who weren’t so fastidious about time-keeping would dismiss this as ridiculous. She was only meeting a friend; everyone was late sometimes but Cat knew that her tardiness would signal to Ava that something was wrong. It would be an open invitation for the feisty American to metaphorically open up her journalist’s notebook, lick the tip of pencil and grill Cat for all she was worth. Cat wasn’t sure that she was ready for this level of interrogation.

The venue had been Ava’s choice. It was a homage to the best American East Coast diners. Ava liked to come here to make disparaging remarks that the eggs weren’t a patch on her grandmother’s and that the chef had probably never even been to York, let alone New York. Cat knew this was all a front and she also knew that Ava brought her here when she was feeling homesick; everyone had their weak spot and she was happy to indulge her friend’s without comment.

Cat arrived out of breath and was led through the restaurant by an efficient waitress. Ava was sitting on a caramel brown curved leather banquette towards the back of the room, nursing a cocktail.

‘I’m so sorry, Ava,’ said Cat, knowing that defence was always the best form of attack with her friend. ‘The Tubes were a nightmare.’

Ava reached forwards and kissed her on both cheeks, whispering, ‘You always were a terrible liar.’

Cat allowed the waitress to take her coat and sat down opposite her friend, doing her best to remain poker-faced.

‘Would you like a drink, madam?’ asked the waitress.

Ava held up her glass. ‘I’m on the Red Snapper. They describe it as “Rich, spicy and complex”, like my favourite kind of guy.’

‘I’ll have what she’s having, thank you.’ Cat smiled. The waitress nodded and handed her a menu before disappearing off to the American-style bar. ‘I like this place,’ said Cat, looking around herself.

‘It tries too hard,’ replied Ava looking bored.

‘Everyone tries too hard in this town, sweetie,’ retorted Cat.

Ava raised her eyebrows. ‘Has Cat Nightingale had a revelation?’

Cat laughed. ‘I always knew it. I just never said it out loud.’

The waitress brought Cat’s drink and Ava tapped her glass against it. ‘And that is why you are the best in the business. So. How does it feel to be back in the game?’

Cat took a sip of her drink and relaxed immediately. ‘Honestly?’

Ava stared at her. ‘God no. If you start being honest, where will it end?’ Cat hesitated and Ava’s gaze became more intense. ‘I’m kidding. You can tell me anything. You’re not famous so it wouldn’t interest my readers anyway.’

Cat laughed. ‘I don’t really know where to start.’

Ava folded her arms. ‘Well I haven’t got anywhere else to be, the bar is stocked and I know the owners so we can stay here all day if you like. Is it to do with that guy, what was his name, Flynn?’

‘Finn.’

‘Yeah, him. So did the romantic hero sweep the damsel in distress off her feet?’

‘Not exactly.’

‘Did the romantic heroine sweep the jaded hero off his feet then?’

‘There wasn’t much sweeping to be honest.’

‘That’s a shame because deep inside this cold heart there’s a tiny pulse that betrays a hopelessly romantic soul.’

‘Really?’

‘Only when I’m drunk. Continue with your story.’

Cat took a deep breath. ‘I guess you could say that I’ve started to see life differently since I’ve been with the kids.’

Usually Ava would be ready with a one-liner or a smart remark here but she was staring at Cat with interest. ‘In what way?’

Cat took a deep breath. ‘They make you look at it in such a simple and unclouded way. There’s no room for cynicism. What you see is what you get and I found it really quite – ’

‘Refreshing,’ finished Ava.

‘Exactly,’ said Cat surprised. ‘They strip life down to its bare essentials and honestly? It felt good. I felt as if I’d been living my life in a bubble and suddenly somebody had pricked it and showed me the truth.’

‘I bet it scared the shit out of you to start with,’ observed Ava.

Cat laughed. ‘I was terrified but I needed it. I feel different because of the kids. Does that sound weird?’

She expected Ava to tell her that it did but instead her friend shook her head. ‘Not at all.’

‘Well I thought you would tell me I was losing it or going soft. I wasn’t expecting empathy. Do I need to be worried?’ asked Cat, fixing her with a look.

Ava was staring at a print on the far wall. It was
Nighthawks
by Edward Hopper – a dark and sparing depiction of a 1940s diner. Cat had never seen her friend like this before; there was an air of sadness to her voice as she spoke. ‘I never told you what happened before I came here, did I?’

‘You didn’t want to,’ said Cat, sensing that she needed to talk.

‘I had a child when I was twenty,’ said Ava quietly. Cat moved forwards in her seat, encouraging her friend to go on. ‘Let’s just say my parents didn’t want to know and neither did the father so I gave her up for adoption.’

‘I’m sorry, Ava.’

Ava shrugged. ‘These things happen. I made my career in New York and then got an offer to come over here. It seemed like the best idea at the time.’

‘And now?’

‘I think about that little girl every single day. What am I saying, little girl? She’d be thirty now.’

‘And you’ve never tried to find her?’

‘It was my decision to give her up, which means that I don’t think I have the right to go back. If she wants to find me, she could do that. I made my bed.’ Cat sensed the regret and sadness and understood the barriers that Ava had put up to protect herself. She’d constructed a few of her own over the years. ‘Anyway,’ said Ava, sitting up and smiling brightly at Cat. ‘This isn’t about me. I want to know about this guy, Finn.’

Cat could see that the subject was closed and unlikely to be reopened any time soon but she appreciated the shared confidence. It was a new chapter in their friendship.

‘He’s a musician.’

‘Junkie or straight?’

‘Straight.’ Cat smiled.

‘That’s good. Big time or small time?’

‘Small time and talented.’

‘Even better. And good-looking if I remember his picture correctly?’

‘Very. Bearded too.’

‘Nothing a razor can’t cure. So, you like this guy?’

‘I do. He probably knows more about me than almost anyone.’

Ava gave a sharp intake of breath. ‘Risky, but I guess it means you trust him.’

‘I do.’

‘So where’s the catch?’

‘Jesse.’

‘Pardon me?’

Cat sighed. ‘This is strictly between us but Jesse and Alex are splitting up.’

Ava shrugged. ‘Least surprising news of the year and…?’

‘Jesse has told me that he loves me.’

Ava frowned. ‘I see.’

Cat stared at her. ‘Is that all you can say?’

Ava held up her hands. ‘Your funeral.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Okay, let me ask you another question. You say you’ve told Finn everything. How much have you told Jesse? And you say you trust this guy Finn. Do you trust Jesse?’

‘I’ve known Jesse a long time.’

Ava shook her head. ‘Not the same thing at all. I’ve had an on-off relationship with cellulite for years. Doesn’t mean I want it crowding my butt.’

Cat smiled. ‘Well I think I can trust Jesse. I mean, he got my job back.’

Ava studied her nails. ‘Oh he did, did he?’

Cat stared at her. ‘Okay, tell me the truth,’ she said, folding her arms.

‘You won’t like it.’

‘I’ll like it even less if you don’t tell me.’

‘Okay,’ said Ava with a sigh. ‘Jesse didn’t get you your job back. I did.’

‘What?’

‘Donald and I are old friends. I put in a call.’

Cat’s head began to spin. ‘He lied to me.’

‘Sorry, honey.’

‘He told me that he loved me.’

Ava grimaced. ‘You really have been out of the loop.’

‘What do you mean?’ Ava shifted in her seat. ‘Tell me, Ava.’

‘O-kay. Alex threw him out. He begged her to let him stay but she told him it was over.’

‘How do you know this?’

‘I suppose the obvious answer is that I know everything but actually, their indiscreet cleaner let it slip.’

‘He told me it was mutual.’

‘Well of course he did.’ Ava’s face softened. ‘I’m sorry you had to find out this way.’

‘He told me that he loved me,’ repeated Cat.

‘And he probably does, but then you do clear up his shit all the time.’ Cat looked hurt. Ava reached over and placed a hand on her arm. ‘Oh come on, sweetie. You are known in the business for it. You’re good at it but honestly? Everyone knows that Jesse Hemingway and Hemingway Media would be nothing without you. That’s what I told Donald because it’s true.’ Ava could see that Cat was in shock and gestured to the waitress that more drinks were required. ‘Come on, let’s order,’ she said kindly.

After the waitress brought another round of cocktails and they’d ordered, Cat turned to Ava. ‘I’ve been a fool, haven’t I?’

Ava smiled at her kindly. ‘Yeah but who hasn’t? Listen, I’ve told you before, none of this shit is real. We’re all gliding across the pond like swans whilst kicking our little legs like crazy under the water. All of us, Cat. Do I need to spell this one out for you, honey? Most people in this life don’t get a shot at true happiness. I know I never have. Sometimes you gotta give in, you know? I don’t know this guy Finn, but it sounds as if he got under your skin and you didn’t know how to handle it. I say go for it before it’s too late. Jesse needs you but you don’t need him. You just think you do.’

As Cat returned home later that afternoon, Ava’s words kept coming back to her. She recalled the night she had spent with Jesse. He had arrived out of breath and eager to please, managing to hide his disappointment when Cat told him that she just wanted to talk. They had lain down on her bed and done just that. Cat had wanted to tell him about how she was feeling now, how different her life was since the summer. Jesse had listened but after a while Cat realised that he was asleep. She had watched him for a while, his handsome face creased by a frown. After a time she switched off the light and went to sleep in the spare bedroom. She told herself that it was the alcohol that had sent him to sleep but Ava’s words brought into focus how often she made excuses for him.

The next day, Cat drove over to her brother’s for Sunday lunch. She had been surprised when Melissa phoned with the invitation earlier in the week. ‘Charlie and Ellie have something to give you and Andrew and I want to thank you properly for everything you did this summer,’ she told her.

‘I’d love to come,’ replied Cat.

‘Great,’ said Melissa sounding relieved. ‘The kids will be over the moon.’

Cat smiled. She detected a softening of attitude from Melissa and recognised that she felt it to; there was a tacit understanding between them now.

As she pulled up outside the house on Sunday, Cat felt a prickle of excitement. She had missed the children’s happy chaos and couldn’t wait to see them again.