Life Without Hope (28 page)

–
Hope –

My life turned hectic fast. Being a single mother tr ying to raise a

small child, go to school and work a full time job was kicking my

ass.

I arrived home running late from picking my son up from

daycare. My plan was to take him out to dinner again to

McDonald’s. The good thing about him being young was he had-

n’t mastered the art of complaining yet. We ate fast food so much,

they could charge me with cruelty to children. It’s amazing what

you can do with a Happy Meal.

As I drove up, I noticed the police car parked in my driveway.

It was Officer Coffee. He smiled that sexy smile of his as I parked.

It should be a law against a man being so damn fine!

He got out of the car to greet me. I was dressed for the occa-

sion. My hair and nails were done. I had on my favorite Italian

hand-woven gabardine skirt suit with a killer eggshell, silk, nearly

transparent please-don’t-hurt-‘em blouse. It was completely see-

through except for the breast area, just enough to flirt with the

imagination. With my suit coat on I looked very conservative. As

I was retrieving Junior from his car seat, Mr. Policeman walked

right up behind me, just as I planned.

“
Mommy, mommy, po-leees,” my three-year-old said, point-

ing his sticky fingers at Officer Coffee. I turned abruptly, catching

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him looking at my behind just as I did to him. He smirked,

embarrassed, furrowing his brow, like a gentleman caught in the

act. I couldn’t help but smile, maybe showing him a little too

much gum and teeth, enjoying the attention of being noticed by

such a handsome man.

“
So what can I do for you Mr. Coffee?” I asked, remembering

his cliché–the best things in life are free. I hadn’t been with a man

in almost a year. His words held a special meaning to me. I held

my son like he was contaminated, trying not to let him put his

sticky little fingers on my $180 dollar blouse as my eyes quickly

roamed the car looking for the candy apple he had earlier.

“
Just stopped by to check on you. Hey lil man,” he said, r uf-

fling my son’s hair. I could smell his cologne, it was a beautiful fra-

grance that seeped inside of me like his imperturbable masculini-

ty. Damn he smelled good.

“
I just thought I’d make good use of your tax dollars by com-

ing back to check on you and your son, besides, you never called

me.”

I looked up at him with his handsome face carved out in the

majestic clouds as birds flew overhead, chirping chimes of sum-

mer’s reign. “You know what Officer Coffee, I refuse to answer

that under the grounds that it may incriminate me.”

He chuckled a good one at that. What he did not know was

that I already called the number in the pretense of a booty call,

and the number that he gave me was an answering service, not his

home, which meant that policeman was a playa or else he would

have given me his home phone number. My girl Nandi taught me

that a long time ago when we were in school.

“
So how are things going?” Officer Coffee asked. We both

knew what he was talking about–Marcus.

“
I’m taking it one day at a time. Boy! If you don’t put that dirt

down, I’ma knock you into tomorra. Come here!” I yelled at

Junior. All the ghetto came out a sista. You know a bad-ass kid can

do that to you. “Excuse me.” I blushed and apologized to Officer

Coffee for my language.

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“
So, are you two going to get back together? If not, I’d like to

ask you out.” The brotha squeezed a bunch of words into one sen-

tence catching me off guard. I pondered the thought, as I watched

my son meander over to the damn dirt pile again. I stared up at

Mr. Coffee absent-mindedly and felt the bright sun on my cheeks.

“
It’s going to take time,” I responded melancholically, hearing

the slight tremble in my voice that usually gives rise to my emo-

tions. Officer Coffee brought something to the surface in me that

I had been trying to run from. I wanted to forget the day that my

marriage went bad. In some ways I think that it traumatized me,

the way that it does a lot of women.

“
I’ll tell you what,” I said, deciding to make no secret about

my attraction to him. “If I decide to play the dating game, you’ll

be the first on my list.” Boldly, I tiptoed, kissed him on his lips

and rubbed my body against his. Estrogen and testosterone polli-

nated the air. We had cerebral intercourse. My body just seemed

to gravitate toward the man. I pulled myself away from him,

walked over and snatched my little rugrat out of the dirt and took

off walking like I stole some love. Actually, I was a little embar-

rassed by my antics. I turned and peered over my shoulder once I

reached my door. Mr. Coffee was wearing my red lipstick. I could-

n’t help but giggle. “You need to get a real phone number. That

answering service is a sure giveaway that you’re a playa.” Mr.

Coffee’s jaw dropped realizing that I had indeed called him. My

son waved bye as I closed the door.

*****

For the first time in my life, I was going to have to be an inde-

pendent single parent. I could not lose sight of my dreams and

aspirations. I didn’t just want to be a lawyer, I wanted to be a

damn good lawyer and help my people as best as I could. They

gave my baby brother life for a few rocks of cocaine, and white

men were stealing billions from corporate America, shutting down

entire cities and never went to prison. In my hear t I knew this was

not right.

Eventually Marcus won a court order granting him weekend

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visits with his son. Can you believe I was still in love with that

man? In fact, I was tempted to seduce him, just out of spite. To be

truthful, it’s a woman’s dream to turn a gay man straight, espe-

cially if he just happens to be your husband. But in my heart, I

knew that Marcus would always be damaged goods. I would never

be able to forget the sight of Stan backing his anaconda out of my

husband’s ass. Disgusting! In some ways we were now strangers. I

held the darkest secret within me–Marcus Jr. wasn’t his child. In

my mind I reasoned that’s why I had to forgive him. We both

cheated and now must suffer the consequences. I could never ask

him for a divorce. For me that would be the testament to the fail-

ure of something I held ver y dear to me, the precious virtue of

marriage. So often, I just blamed myself then got lost in my work

and school.

*****

On May 28, I graduated from law school. Two months later,

I passed the bar exam with one of the highest scores in the state.

However, months later I was still unable to find employment. I

sent my resume to hundreds of employers. One day when I arrived

home there was a message on my answering machine. The United

States Attorney’s office for the district of Tallahassee, Florida want-

ed me to come in for a job interview. As desperate as I was, there

was no way in hell I was going to work for them. Especially after

what they did to my brother, and not to mention their so-called

war on drugs, which was actually a war on Black males. Lately

there had been a lot of DWB charges–driving while Black. For a

Black woman, me anyway, it would feel like treason to help

imprison young Black men. As it was, America was already spend-

ing more money on sending Black men to prison than the entire

educational budget. My sole purpose of becoming a lawyer was to

get Black men out of prison, not keep them in. I decided to call

Nandi to chat with her about this latest event.

“
Girlllll, you’ve got to be out your cotton pickin’ mind!”

Nandi screeched. In order to learn the enemy and how to defeat

them you must first learn their tactics. Not only will it give you

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valuable knowledge but will give you an advantage like being

behind the enemy lines of their scrofulous ways, teaching you

their strategic tactics,” Nandi exhorted, and went on to regale me

with one of her stories. This one was about the true story of

General Hannibal and how he journeyed all the way from Africa

through the Caucasoid mountains of Europe. He had over one

hundred thousand soldiers and elephants and they went through

the treacherous rough terrain and tempest weather. They encoun-

tered tribes of barbaric cavemen, better known as Neanderthal. By

the time they reached Rome a year later, he lost over half his of his

forces. Wear y and fatigued, with for ty thousand soldiers, a Black

man conquered Rome, defeating its million-army military.

Hannibal is known as the greatest stratagem of all time. He ruled

Rome for many years. How was he defeated? He made the mistake

of allowing a Roman to join his army. The Roman befriended

Hannibal, learning of all his brilliant war tactics and defected back

to the other side and defeated Hannibal in battle.

“
Hope, you can learn a lot from your enemy. White folks have

been doing that to us for years. Stealing our genius and using it

against us.”

I hung up the phone in a daze. Nandi was right. She knew one

of my life-long desires was to get my brother out of prison, and

one day file a class action suit against the government. I wasn’t

anti-government, but I was anti-discrimination, anti-racism, anti-

oppressive and anti-genocide. So if the government was that, then

I was against it and any act that violated human rights against

human life, Black or white.

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Chapter T

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Chapter T

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“
A Bird in the Hand”

–
Life –

I shoved Trina in the room shutting the door, as I spun around

realizing my blunder. She had her hand in her purse. I forgot all

about the small derringer .38 two shot pistol that she carried.

“
Nigga, let’s get one thing straight! Don’t you ever, ever, place

your damn hands on me out in public.” She took a step forward,

and continued, “Yeah, a bitch was wrong for stealin’ your shit, but

I knew you would never trust me with your money.” She then

reached into one of the shopping bags, took out not one, but two

bricks of cocaine and placed them on the table. As if reading my

mind she answered, “I bought them from my cousin in Brooklyn

for ten grand apiece. He gave me one for eight after I promised

that I would come back and get more. I stood there rigid. I never

had a bird in my entire life, much less two of them. Trina saun-

tered up to me real close and poured a heavy dose of herself all

over me as her hand caressed my private part then unzipped my