Light in Mourning (Mourning, #2) (24 page)

“It’s not that,” she said softly and then looked back to the frothing white waves rolling up the shore. I followed her gaze and watched Charlie trot along the shore.
 

“What is it?”
 

“I know this isn’t my business and I know he may be your son, but what about a paternity test?” she mumbled so softly I had to strain to hear her. I watched her beautiful eyes glancing everywhere but at me. I could tell this was uncomfortable for her, and I loved her all the more for it.
 

I took in a deep breath of air, filling my lungs and then glancing back to Charlie. Diva sat by the screen door, a low meow escaping her throat. “She thinks she’s part dog.” The cat sat at the screen door and meowed all damn day until someone let her out.
 

Georgia glanced from her cat to me, a sad smile lighting her lips. She knew this was difficult for me.
 

“He looks just like me, Georgia.”

“I know,” she murmured before smoothing a hand across my cheek.
 

“It’s just . . . I feel like the paternity test is insulting. It’s like disowning him somehow. What if he is mine, and he finds out that I took a paternity test to prove it? Isn't that shitty? Like I didn’t want him?”
 

“No, he doesn’t have to find out . . . it’s not like that . . . and he would know, in here.” She pressed her palm to my chest, over my heart. “He would know you loved him, how much you love him.” Her eyes searched mine. I could see she needed answers. I’d been avoiding this conversation, avoiding making this decision because of the guilt I carried over it. His mom and I had been irresponsible one night and he’d been the result and I hated knowing that. I hated the thought he would someday find out he’d been unintentional. I’d felt unwanted my entire fucking life, and here I was repeating the cycle, albeit in a different form.
 

“I know what you’re thinking. I can see it in those big green eyes of yours.” She stroked her thumb along my eyebrow, trying to soothe the pain away. “You’ll love him if he’s yours. He’ll feel that every day. You just need to know.”

“And you need to know?” I looked at her, not an ounce of judgment in my voice.
 

“We both do.” Her eyes softened as her fingers continued to work on the skin behind my neck.
 

“What if he isn’t?” I muttered, worrying the rim of the coffee cup with my fingertips.
 

“Then someone else needs to know he’s his dad. He deserves the chance to be his dad. Just like you do if you are.”
 

“Yeah,” I mumbled thoughtfully.
 

“There’s a place in Wilmington. Maybe you could go together and have the test done.”

“They have to take his blood?” My eyes swung to hers with fear.
 

“No.” She smiled. “Just a cheek swab. No blood.” She kissed me full on the lips. I trailed my tongue along the seam, asking her to open to me. She did immediately, her lips pliable against mine. I wrapped my arm around her back and skimmed it up to her neck, holding her tightly, needing her to feel my love for her.
 

“Thank you.” I pulled away, leaving one last kiss on the corner of her mouth.
 

“I’ll set up an appointment, okay?”
 

“Okay.” I caressed the skin of her shoulder as I gazed out at the water, lost in my thoughts.
 

“Is this test going to tell if you’re my dad?” Trevor looked up at me, big innocent eyes trained on mine. My eyebrows arched up in surprise. Jesus, did Lexi tell him everything?
 

“Uhmm.” I shot her a glare. She shrugged her shoulders.
 

“I had to tell him; he kept asking me why he needed a test when he wasn’t sick.”

“She told me they’re testing my DMA.”

“DNA, buddy, and, yeah, they are. Just to tell us some things.” I ruffled his hair.

“Do you want to be my dad?” I opened the door of the clinic, my eyebrows shooting into my hairline.
 

“Yeah, of course. We have a lot of fun together, right?” I ran a hand through my hair. My heart galloped in my chest.
 

“Yeah, I told the kids at school how you took me to that baseball game and let me eat two hot dogs and nachos and have pop. Mom doesn’t let me have pop.”

“Shit, sorry,” I mouthed to Lexi. A small smile lit her lips. She really was pretty, in an obvious sort of way. It was no wonder I was attracted to her, and motherhood looked good on her. She seemed to be good at it, more mature for it. Her long blonde hair was twisted into a side braid, jeans and a fitted top hugging her form. She bent down and whispered something in Trevor’s ear. A frown danced across his face as he listened. I could see the resemblance between them. He may have had eyes that resembled mine, but the shape of his face and mouth were all her.
 

“I told him to stop asking so many questions.”

“Mom said you’re afraid of tests.” Trevor looked up at me. “I’m not afraid of tests. Mom says to just take deep breaths and stay calm when I have one at school. Want me to teach you?”
 

A smile lit my lips at his innocence. “Sure, buddy.” I placed a hand on his head and guided him to a chair in the waiting room while Lexi checked us in.
 

Fifteen minutes later, and we were walking back out the door. They’d swabbed our cheeks for DNA and now I was taking Trevor and Lexi to lunch. I’d left the decision up to Trevor where to go and he'd jumped on the chance at pizza, because apparently his mom didn’t let him have that very often either.
 

We slid into a booth, Trevor next to me, and Lexi across the table. Before we could even order a pizza, I ordered a beer. I needed something to calm the thumping of my heart. Georgia had been right: at least now we would know, because not knowing was starting to kill me. Only thing was, I was growing attached to the little guy, so if he wasn’t mine, that might kill me too.
 

Trevor rambled on about school and kids in his T-ball league as he picked the pepperoni off his pizza and ate all the cheese first before digging into the crust.
 

I was on my third beer when Lexi caught my attention. “Georgia’s nice.”

My eyes shot up in surprise. What was her game with this? Feeling me out? Seeing if I was ready to be a dad and a husband for her and Trevor? Because no fucking way, I was not signing up for that. If Trevor was mine I'd do everything I could for him but there was only one girl I wanted to tie myself to and it wasn't the blonde sitting in front of me. “Yeah,” I murmured and took another long draw of the amber liquid.
 

“It’s serious?”
 

“Serious enough to put a ring on her finger,” I muttered, unwilling to give her more information about Georgia. She was mine. That was between us. I wasn’t willing to let anyone else in our relationship.
 

“So the results will come to you, then?” She seemed to be making awkward conversation.

“That’s what they said, in thirty days or sooner.”
 

“Is she going to be all right if the test is positive?”
 

There it was. A snide comment. A snarky implication. “Are you trying to say something?” I angled my head to her.
 

“I just want to make sure she’s good for my son if she’s going to be in his life.”

My eyebrows shot up and I cleared my throat uncomfortably. “Georgia’s great with kids. She’ll be great.” I finished the rest of my beer and nodded the waiter over, signaling for the check. “Speaking of, I have to get back. Great seeing you, buddy. I’ll call you soon, okay? Be good for your mom.” I gave him a quick hug after he'd let me out of the booth.
 

“I’ll be in touch, Tristan,” Lexi called to my retreating form.
 

“I’m sure you will,” I murmured to myself as I exited the restaurant and sucked in a gulp of fresh sea air. I needed to get home and back to my normal life. And I also needed some scotch. Beer just wasn't enough to get me through this day.

It’d been a month since Trevor and Lexi had knocked on our door. A month since Tristan had faced the possibility of being a dad. He’d spent as much time with Trevor as he could while they were here, taking him to museums and baseball games, and talked to him nearly every night on the phone. Tristan was determined to make it work: to be civil with Lexi, and to be the right kind of dad to Trevor, whom he was all but convinced was his.

I was so proud of him for taking responsibility and embracing his new role as someone's dad, but there was also a piece of me that hated my dream was shifting again. My dream to marry Tristan and have kids together was altering. We could do that, but now there was a little tousled-haired boy that was evidence of a night Tristan had shared with someone else.
 

Being separated and waiting on the paternity test results was also starting to weigh in Tristan's eyes. Each night, we went to bed with an awkward silence, something unfamiliar between us.
 

I woke up on a Friday in August and knew I needed a break. I was sad that I needed a break from Tristan, but the truth was, he was currently in the midst of a lot of overwhelming, life-changing drama, and I needed time to process. I needed time to work through my thoughts without seeing his sad eyes peering back at me. I know he recognized the wall between us; it was just sad the wall was a beautiful little boy.
 

“Drew, come up. I need a girls’ weekend,” I moaned into the phone as soon as Drew picked up.
 

“Yeah?”
 

“The beach house is clear for the weekend. We’ll camp out over there, just like last summer, the three of us. I need you guys,” I nearly sobbed into the phone. Just the thought of a weekend with Drew and Silas had my emotions in overdrive. I needed my best friends. I needed them to help me forget and talk me through everything.
 

“Just the girls? No boys allowed?”
 

“Just Silas, I promise.” I beamed because I knew she was caving.
 

“’Kay, let me see if Mom and Dad will take Bennett for the weekend and Gavin can have man-time with Tristan. All these diapers and breastfeeding are getting to him.”

“Can’t wait to see you.”

“You too, honey.” Drew hung up and I set the phone on the counter, wrapping a chenille blanket around my shoulders and propping my feet up on the deck as the cool early autumn air swept my hair around my face.
 

I’d only seen Drew once since Bennett had been born and I was looking forward to some time to escape the drama that had inserted itself into my life over the past month.