Lincoln County Series 1-3 (37 page)

“He only wanted to make sure I knew that I was not to affect you with my presence.”

Cameron set her elbows on the table and leaned in. “I am a lot stronger than he gives me credit for.”

“At least you have people who care about you.”

If she only knew…

“Yes. What about you? You were heading back to your parents the last time I saw you.”

“I’m heading there now. I was detained for quite some time with the United States Marshall. I needed to prove that I was not harboring the gang at any time.” She cooed at Drew.

“Will you stay here a few days?”

Bethany looked tempted. Cameron couldn’t blame her when she held such a sweet child in her arms. Keeping her eyes on Drew she said, “I am anxious to get home. Truly, I only wished to see how you were faring.”

“Until Jake interfered,” Cameron added for her.

“He’s only doing what Andrew wished.”

Cameron could agree with that. “He mentioned to me Andrew’s last words about watching out for the baby and I.”

Something of a disagreement flickered in Bethany’s eyes and before she could ask about it she heard Jake’s rude announcement. How on earth long had he been there?

“The train is readying for departure.” He was frowning at Bethany.

“Of course.” Bethany hurried to hand Drew over.

Cameron scolded, “Jake!” His blatant interruption was uncalled for. What was wrong with him?

He did not spare her a glance and stood resolute, unmoving until he got his way, which was getting Bethany far from her. But as Bethany passed off Drew to Cameron’s arms she whispered, “Someday, demand Jake to tell you the full account of your husband’s last request.”

And with that, the two left. No doubt Jake followed after to see that Bethany was secure on the train and far away from her.

The full account? He’d withheld from her? She shoved down the absolute emotion of anger and decided to react in prayer. Whatever was going on, she had a sudden peace about waiting until His timing in regards to Jake’s omission. For some reason, she felt it was in her best interest.

Chapter Thirteen

The remainder of the summer went by without much activity. Cameron kept an eye on five-month-old Drew, propped in a basket under a tree, as she harvested her garden. Wishing to join her son in the shade, she decided to take a break. With more than enough vegetables at hand for the two of them, even with the canning of some, she planned on delivering the rest to Thomas. Thinking of her brother made her heart swell. He’d been so tentative lately, even asking about church services. Although he had yet to attend, he supplied financial offering and had his men keep it maintained. She tucked a crooked finger under Drew’s chin, wet with saliva from his teething. “What do you think? Should we go see Uncle Thomas today?”

His reply was a grin first, then a hearty giggle as she teased his tummy with swirls of her fingertip. She adored his personality and had the feeling he would be kind and gentle, like his father. Not curious and full of risk as she’d been known to be. Before long it would be nearing the anniversary of Andrew’s death and a bit of ache reached her bosom. What would she have done without Drew in her life? She shuddered to think. He shoved a chubby fist into his mouth, which prompted her to get some supper going. “All right little one, let’s get ourselves cleaned up.”

*** *** ***

The next morning was church as usual. Cameron shared what she believed the Lord had placed in her heart, and despite harvest season, there were a good number of congregants in attendance. She was retelling a sermon Andrew once shared, one that was a life changer for her. It was about God’s forgiveness of sins. It appeared to be touching people and she was encouraged in that. When service was over, she retrieved Drew from Penny, his faithfully dedicated Sunday guardian. He belted out a cry and reached back for Penny. “Well aren’t you a bit ornery today!” Cameron kissed his cheek.

Penny said, “I don’t mind having him for longer if you have anything to finish up.”

She took in her son’s features, crying red face and all. “You’ll spoil him giving in to his tears.”

Cameron saw that Hunter was tied up outside near the church entrance and darted her eyes about the church. Jake was nowhere to be seen, and he wouldn’t leave Hunter unattended. It looked as though Drew would have his way after all and she returned him to Penny. “For a little while longer, thank you Penny.”

She made her way through folks staying around visiting one with another and went outside into the hot and humid air. She caught sight of Jake leaning against a tree, back to the church. Carefully, she treaded his way, unsure about interrupting his thoughts. He hadn’t turned around and yet he knew of her presence because he greeted her.

“Jake,” she replied and felt it was all right to continue. She stood in front of him.

“Where’s Drew?”

“With Penny. What are you doing out here?”

He looked at her then, eyes imploring. But he was silent as a still night. She wished she knew what was going on inside his mind...and heart for that matter. The heat was making her clothes stick to her skin. She tucked some stray hair behind her ear, cringing at its stickiness. He watched her simple movement and she froze. She was familiar with that look. She was also too familiar with the look of pain in his eyes that was a constant about him. Uneasiness about what to do came over her. Finally he broke his silence.

“I came by today to ask if you needed anything before I leave town.”

She pondered this a while, looking away from him. It always hurt her feelings when he left. She didn’t know why—it wasn’t personal.

“Thomas helps us out, Jake. There’s no need for you to be concerned.”

“I am only looking out for you,” he said testily, as if he had no other choice. Bound to a promise to her dying husband. Well he could be released in this.

Long ago she understood this is what he did. Seek her out. Let her know he was going to be gone for who knows how long. Hurting her. Over and over and over again. She swallowed and took him on. “Why are you leaving?”

“Bounty hunting.” He crossed his arms. Defiant.

“I thought you were through with that.”

“It’s how I make my living, you know that.” He wouldn’t look at her.

Trying to let go of her frustration, she placed a hand to his arm. With his sleeves rolled up they were skin to skin. He kept his eyes forward, his body tensed. “You have the Gun Shop. If you would just admit that you are only leaving because that is what you do, Jake. You leave. You run away from difficult things, you run away from your feelings. Except your emotions are real and they will always follow you. So when will you stop running away like a…”

He pierced her then with a harsh look, while removing her hand from his arm. Through an angry, clenched jaw he said, “Like a what? A coward? You’ve got no idea how I feel or what follows me anywhere!”

Her heart dropped. She was tired. Tired of battling with him. Why was he fighting their friendship so hard? She stepped back. “I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to insinuate that I know anything about you.” Her eyes teared with so much care and compassion. If willing someone to change were only enough. “I won’t stop you. But I won’t let you leave this time without telling you that you hurt me every time…”

She couldn’t do this. She was about to sob. She couldn’t accuse him of running away when she wished her legs would do the same for her just now. She pressed on. “I don’t want you to go.”

He swore.

“And stop talking like that Jake Collins!”

Her nagging seemed to cause him to find the most callous words possible. “I’ll talk however I want. I will leave whenever I want. The only reason I’m even here today is out of courtesy.”

“Courtesy? You call yourself courteous?” Literally, she was in complete disbelief.

“This isn’t going to work.” He stomped off.

She stared after him, old wounds opening wide, bleeding out her broken heart. Why wouldn’t he be reasonable? Why couldn’t he attend church, hang around her and Drew without the awkwardness? Why couldn’t he be her friend instead of always being in disagreement? She spun around to ask him just these things when revelation stopped her short. He loved her. That’s why. Maybe he had never stopped. She had been too intent on keeping him close, treating him like a brother. She only wanted him to change. She gasped with regret—it wasn’t up to her to change him.

No wonder he was angry at her more often than not.

She held herself steady and continued to watch Jake until he reached Hunter. She couldn’t love him back. It would be so contrary to what Andrew would want for her and Drew. He would desire for a man of their faith to be with them. Freely crying at this knowledge she wondered if she wanted to love Jake back. The thought scared her. She could not be open to that. Fiercely wiping her tears away she chose not to dwell on what could never be. Jake was not a man of their faith and showed no inclination towards getting to know God. It was for no matter even if he was. He was leaving again and she planned to spend all of her love upon Drew.

Chapter Fourteen

Jake was halfway home before allowing his anger to come to the surface. He pushed Hunter faster and faster. The sooner he got home and packed up, the sooner he could leave this place behind. Cameron had a lot of nerve. Calling him a coward of all things! Cowards don’t hunt down outlaws, they don’t willingly face down the barrel of a shotgun, they don’t search high and low for kidnapped people. She had no idea what she was talking about. Instead of complying with him, she resisted. She always resisted. He had done what was expected of him, saw to visit her and the baby to see if she needed anything before he left.

He swore out loud. Hunter ran harder.

And he was paid back by ungratefulness and her way of making him feel like she’d pierced a knife straight through the center of his gut. Hurt
her
feelings? Now that was a new low for her. Lacey and her manipulative ways must have been rubbing off on Cameron—trying to tie him down because his leaving made her sad. She was ridiculous, plain and simple.

The farm came into view and he came to his senses enough to put Hunter to a trot, then to a brisk walk. Then his thoughts returned to Cameron.

Blast it all!

He’d truly been fine, been staying away from her, shutting down feelings that would be disloyal to Andrew, to her… Then he had to get close enough to the church to hear her speak. Why couldn’t he have just waited until the people had cleared out? He hadn’t planned on staying for the whole sermon. He’d been captured by the passion in her voice, her overwhelming desire to receive God’s forgiveness, which she shared with the people. Something foreign had gripped him, so he’d sat outside the doors and had listened to every word. As soon as it was over, he needed to think. As much as he respected Cameron, she was mistaken. Maybe that kind of thinking and hoping worked for her, but for him, no way. He’d done too much. Her God would never forgive someone who killed others. Especially for money. As much as he repeated that to himself, it wouldn’t sink in. He’d torn himself further from the church and all of the forgiveness they got to receive, and settled near a tree so he could shake off the seed of hope Cameron had planted. It was wrong of her to spout off things like forgiveness and love when it wasn’t meant for everybody. He didn’t deserve it. People like Bethany and her husband didn’t deserve it. Yet Cameron kept saying it was for everyone.

Arriving home, he placed Hunter in front of the water trough. Resentment flooded him. If only he knew of these things before he chose to live the way he did, maybe it wouldn’t have been too late for him. As it was, maybe once upon a time he would’ve felt like he was good enough for Cameron. Maybe he would have fought for her way back when she came into his life and made her way into his heart. He slammed a fist into the wall of his house. Would haves and could haves. What stupid things to think about!

Cutting through his home with a force of desperation to be on the trail and find his next outlaw, he didn’t even care if he gathered everything he needed. But it was time. He was leaving. With a glance about he shut the door and put Hunter to walk in a gentler manner. Only when he was far away from Lincoln County did he realize the blunted truth Cameron spoke over him. She’d been right—she always was right. He was a coward and he was always running away.