Little Cat (15 page)

I was on the
TV
, leaning back against the couch. I’d never seen my face on a
TV
screen before. My cheeks were red. My lips were kind of open. That was what I looked like? That was how he saw me?

‘See how beautiful, baby? Look.’ John told me to shift to the left and relax my legs a little. ‘I’m not taping this, okay? I’m just showing you how pretty you look.’

I didn’t recognize myself. I thought I looked older than fifteen. I put my finger in my mouth and bit it to stop myself from saying out loud:
Do I really look like that?

‘Yeah, baby, like that, that’s good,’ John was focusing in with the camera so that my head was at the top of the screen and my knees were at the bottom. The back of the couch was shining black behind me. I didn’t believe him that he wasn’t taping.

‘Mira, you’re a natural.’ I saw John’s cock pushing up inside his pants. ‘I gotta show this to Mikey. He’s going to love this.’

I watched my legs shifting on the screen.
Am I sexy? Does every guy think so?

‘Why don’t you take something off and get comfortable?’

‘Who’s Mikey?’

‘My uncle. Michael. Take off your shirt.’

My fingers were moving in between my buttons.

‘Why’s your uncle going to love this?’

‘Because he’s smart. He’s going to love it, don’t worry, he’s going to love you.’

I thought right then that I was at John’s so that something would happen to me, something I couldn’t ever do by myself.

‘That’s it, Mira, that’s the way.’

I wanted him to keep talking.

‘That’s sexy, baby. Just a bit more, take off some more.’

I was out of my shirt. I sat there in my bra. The straps were making red marks on my shoulders. I touched the top of my breasts and dropped my finger down the crack. I kept wanting to see my finger disappear. My nipples got hard. John started going in close-up on my stroking.

‘Look how pretty your tits are. Look.’

My nipples were itching inside my bra. They looked so big. I’d never seen them that big. I rubbed them through the fabric. I thought I would put them in my mouth.

‘That’s it, touch them. Pinch them. Fuck, that’s good.’

I had one in each hand. I was squeezing and twisting. I heard John breathing behind the camera. ‘Move your hand now, babe.’ He was telling me what to do. ‘Touch yourself lower. Touch your pussy. Look at yourself.’

I saw my face changing, my mouth getting bigger. I couldn’t stop licking the corners of my lips.

‘You look so fucking sexy.’

My bra was hanging from my arm.

‘That’s it, take it off. Good girl, take off your skirt.’

I didn’t know if I wanted to see what it looked like down there. Everything felt so big and rushing.

‘You are a fucking sexy girl.’

Hairs in thick strokes were covering my vagina. A dark brown line separated the two parts that were sticking softly to each other.

‘Hang on.’

John took his face away from the camera. He was setting up a tripod, taking off his pants.

‘I gotta show you something.’

Crouched behind the camera again, I watched his big stomach, the beef of his legs. John started focusing in on my vagina.

‘Stop it. Don’t!’ My voice got high-pitched. I covered myself with my hands.

‘Easy.’ John laughed. ‘Just wait. You’ll see how pretty it is. You’ll see what I see.’

‘No. I don’t want to.’

‘Yeah you do, baby. You’ve got the prettiest pussy. All I can see is that pussy in front of me. I dream of it at night, growing over my face.’

There on the screen were my thighs, all that hair … John came over and kneeled on the ground. I wanted to slam my legs shut and put my hands over each other. I turned my head to the side and held hard.

‘Open your eyes.’

Slowly, squinting, I looked at the screen. John’s thick fingers moved my slippery hand. He was trying to spread me. The whole screen was moving with red and pink dots.

‘See it? You’ve got such a beautiful wet pussy, Mira.’

I strained my eyes. A beautiful pussy? I wanted to hurl like a brick through the screen!

‘I want to show you how it looks.’

No! I’ll never get used to what that looks like.

I was holding his fingers right where they were sliding. I couldn’t help looking down. My vagina stuck onto the fingers of a man.

‘Your pretty wet pussy.’

There was foam on John’s hand. I looked up at the screen. There was something about all the skin, pink and stretched – it looked like a bat hanging upside down.

Quickly, John leaned in and placed his head between my thighs. He stuck his tongue deep up in me and started really frenching me there. I watched the back of his head on the screen: I felt him pushing in, licking me all around the hole. The muscles of his lips were curling inside me. I couldn’t stay still. He was sucking all my wetness. It was making me sweat.

‘Stop, stop … ’ I heard myself moaning.

John spread my legs wider, then he stopped and pulled away. He looked back at the screen.

‘Don’t you see how sexy that is?’

Still watching the screen, John pushed his finger up me. I was so wet that his finger disappeared. He was holding my thighs, making my lips flare. Another finger went in. Then there were three. It wasn’t going to stop. This was never going to stop. Heat rose between my shoulder blades, two red-hot rods. I stared at the screen. All of his fingers were pushing inside me. I bucked my hips up into his thrusting. It was never going to stop. It was never going to stop.

‘That’s it, Mira, watch yourself fuck.’The hips of me fucking. I couldn’t stop fucking! I couldn’t stop moving in time to his jabs. I felt more, I felt more, god, just one second more filled up on his fucking, all of me there …

‘Look at you, baby. Look at yourself.’

I stared at my pussy, his hand was inside it, stretching me naked, fucking me harder. I watched myself shaking, my pretty wet pussy, his thick fingers jabbing so hard I was huge.

‘God!’ I screamed, and sucked in. I felt the great fist.

Shuddering, I was shuddering.

I imaged that she was the mother and I was the daughter, with all those eyes on us, calling our names. We both wore red dresses with white around the edges. I licked her breasts. She stroked my head. She was the mother and I was the daughter. Her arms wrapped around me.

‘Suck her, Mira, suck her!’

We got down on the floor. I was lying on my back. Adi was above me, shaking her hips. She was spreading herself open under her dress and I saw for a second a wheel at my eyes. It was a bright red circle that was rusted inside: that was her pussy. It was nothing like mine.

Adi told me she never wanted to have children. Just after I thought she maybe actually had children. But maybe she was lying. Or maybe Nadia had lied. I didn’t believe it when Adi told me she was thirty-one. She was doing all this stuff at thirty-one? I raised my arms. I held on to her waist. I wanted her to come down to sit on my face and shut up my thinking. Fuck, I didn’t believe it, thirty-one! Her cunt was a wheel spinning out from her centre. I wanted to stick my tongue through the spokes.

But Adi just kept hovering over my mouth, dipping down for a second, then shaking up.

‘Sit on her face, Adi! Squash Mira’s face!’

The needs of old men and lights circling above us. It tasted like crying inside my mouth.

Adi’s back-and-forth ass, her back-and-forth hips. She finally split open, sank hard on me there. A cunt full of pieces was stuck in my mouth. I just wanted to keep doing it, I wanted to take the weird pain from her there, suck it all dry so she couldn’t wail. I wanted her to know that she still felt good. We were showing a roomful of men what sex really was.

Sex is the animals licking and cleaning, sister and sister in front of a crowd, making each other come, tears sliding down their throats, going and humping and groaning from their guts:
This is love! It doesn’t matter how we got it!

Me and Adi never talked after shows – one of us was usually busy with a guy. We talked around noon, when we got up. But Adi came to my door later that night. She was wearing a light purple slip. I knew she’d just smoked. She didn’t bring any for me.

Adi lay down on top of the covers, close to me. ‘I’ve never done that before,’ she said.

‘Done what?’

‘You know.’

I’d brushed my teeth but she was still there.

‘I’m not right down there.’

My eye kept steady on a crack on the wall.

‘No … ’

I said no to protest, but I said it wrong. Adi knew. The skin of her lips was swollen and raw. The smell of her body dripped down wrong. I was licking so much, though, I didn’t care. I was an animal trying to help another animal.

‘I didn’t think anything bad was going to happen,’ Adi said slowly. ‘He just told me I was going to dance. I knew what dancing was. He said, “You’ll do well. You are a sexy girl.” People have told you that, too, I know … ’

She was finally speaking about Gio. I tried not to move so she would say more.

‘I knew who he was. He was always around – well, always leaving, always coming back. Doing business deals, bad business, I knew. Everyone loved him in Volgograd even though he was bad – all the parents loved him, all the girls too. But not this time when he came back, talking shit about American cash, American this, Israeli that. We were Christians in Volgograd. Everyone hated America and Israel. Nobody trusted him after he’d been to Israel. We knew that he was going to cross over to the Jews.’

Adi looked at me. She had purple smearing under her eyes. She didn’t know I was Jewish.

‘So me and Gio end up playing pool this one night, I’m seventeen, just a fun little girl, and he tells me I am someone who can go somewhere with my life. He says most of my jack-shit friends won’t ever do anything, they’ll never leave Volgograd.’ Adi started laughing. ‘So I was thinking he thinks I’m going to go to Israel with him. I’m going to pretend to be a Jew, some honorary Jew!’

‘What’s his last name?’ I asked stupidly.

‘Mogilevich. King of the Jews. Israel is a torture chamber, Mira. They treat Russians bad unless they have cash. I don’t know how he’d managed to set up things there. He kept me, seventeen years old, in a room in some Jewish torture fucking chamber!’

Adi started laughing hysterically. I touched her shoulder. But it made her laugh even more.

‘So he takes me to the land of the Jews and he’s some hot-shit pimp man or something over there and he makes all this money and I’ve been fucking for him and now he wants me to be his wife? My mother told me all Jews are corrupt.’

Adi rolled away from me, choking down her laughs. She got up and started pacing at the foot of the bed.

‘Uh, how long were you in Israel for?’

‘Ten fucking years. Two fucking kids!’

‘Wait … ’

Adi’s neck had turned red. ‘You know how bad that motherfucker Jew fucked me? On the way to this city we stopped at some old factory where they used to make paper. I am an old woman by this point, twenty-seven, right? And he just takes me and we leave the kids and it’s all business, right, and his friend meets us there. You know this friend, too, that bitch Nadia’s dad. So Gio and this daddy talk about the visas and then daddy tells me to lie down on my back, spread my legs. He points to the floor, covered with the soggy stuff that they turn into paper, and then he makes Gio watch as he fucks me. It’s a fucking blood sport! No condom, nothing. I just lay there and waited, this pulpy crap under my shirt.’

God, why does every girl have to get fucked?

‘We got here in the middle of the night. Daddy puts me in a room with one other girl, kitchen down the hall. I stayed for two years. Gio came every day at the end to get my money. You know, I thought Canada was not like Israel … ’

‘Why didn’t you run away from him?’

‘Mira, why the hell ask me that?’ Adi stopped pacing. Her voice suddenly went low like a man’s. ‘He is a liar. Gio Mogilevich is a liar.’

Adi held her slip bunched up at her stomach. ‘Now that fucking two-timing Jew comes and looks for other girls to make me jealous. To make me want to die.’

Blotches of sweat spread under her breasts in moon shapes. Adi’s smell was stinging me.

‘Let’s go away, okay, Mira? Let’s just get out of here. Just us. Jamaica.’

‘We should go to the doctor.’

‘Doctor?’ Adi began coughing uncontrollably and fell back on my bed. ‘You think I’m going to a doctor?’

I reached out and touched her shoulder. ‘My father’s a doctor. We could go to his nurse. She’s a good nurse … ’

‘Your father? Your father? Your father wants to stick his hands in my pussy? Your father probably already sticks his hands in my pussy!’

Adi got up again, clutching her gut.

‘You have any pot?’ she asked.

I shook my head.

‘Hey, come on, you have pot.’