Little Cat (14 page)

Ezrah reached into the front seat and put on the radio. ‘I want you to come and visit me at Thanksgiving. You should really meet some of my friends, Mir.’

The song was on loud, something about a baby shaking conga.

‘Will you shut that off,’ I snapped.

Ezrah turned the radio off and looked at me. ‘What’s wrong with you?’

‘Nothing.’

Then silence.

‘What the fuck is up, Mira?’

‘You look like you’re working hard these days,’ I said, changing the subject. ‘What’s up? You a doctor yet?’

‘What’s up, you have a boyfriend yet?’

‘Fuck off. None of your business.’

‘So what are you doing then? My mother said the Second Cup still?’

‘Yeah. So what are you doing these days besides studying?’

‘Studying.’

‘That’s it?’

‘Yep.’

‘No girls?’

‘No girls.’

‘I don’t believe you.’

‘It’s true.’

‘I bet there’s some good-looking girls in your class.’

‘They’re all right.’

‘What? No one you like?’

‘No one like you.’

‘Oh, come on!’ I was smiling at him. His legs looked too long for the back of the car. I was uncomfortable in my dress. It was low-cut. I had a shawl wrapped around me.

‘Let me see you.’

‘No.’

‘Why not?’

I let the shawl fall down my shoulders. I shifted a bit on the seat so that my body was facing him.

‘You look good.’

I looked down.

‘So what are you really doing now?’

‘I feel weirded out telling you.’

‘Why?’

‘I don’t know. Just do.’

‘Why?’

‘Stripping.’

‘What?’ Ezrah turned his body away from me. ‘Fuck!’

Both of us went silent. I could tell he was thinking of what to say next without making things worse. But his lips were shut so tight it was hard for him to get it out.

I wanted to touch his arm or something. ‘Don’t be like that, come on.’

‘Why the fuck are you doing that?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘No. You don’t know? Fuck, how can you do that?’ He was disgusted with me. It was sliding out of him more easily now.

‘It’s what I’m doing right now. I don’t know. It’s not a big deal.’

‘What the fuck, Mira, it is a big deal. How can you actually do that?’

‘Because, I don’t know, it’s in me. I don’t know. That’s how I can do it.’

‘What are you talking about?’

‘I mean … I don’t know. I mean, maybe I was meant to do it.’

‘No. You really fucking believe that?’

‘I don’t know. Yeah. Maybe it was something people always said to me.’

‘Who? Who said it? Guys said that to you?’

‘No. Sometimes … ’
Were you always this disgusted with me?

‘That’s embarrassing, fuck. I don’t know how you can do that.’

I didn’t want to talk to him anymore. I didn’t want to say another word. Suddenly Ezrah turned around and stared at me. He was looking at my cleavage.

‘I’m going to come and see you.’

‘No you’re not.’

‘Yes I am.’

‘No you’re fucking not!’

‘Any dumb bastard can go see you naked? So? So can I.’

‘Fuck off.’ Fuck you.
Ever since we were kids. Fuck you.

Our breaths were filling up the car. I opened the window and heard a song coming out of the synagogue. I knew it was the last one. A bunch of people all crying together, not wanting to die.

‘It’s almost over in there,’ I said.

Ezrah got out of the car and left me. I watched him walk through the big wooden doors of the temple.

I felt like laughing for a second. I didn’t even tell him the whole thing. That after a while I didn’t even think the men were that bad. That I’d had their fingers up me. That I let them kiss my breasts. That they’d sucked me, stroked my head. That I wanted this one man, Gio, to fuck me so bad.

I stayed in the car until I saw my family come out of the synagogue with the crowd. My father and mother had circles under their eyes. Ezrah was there, talking to my mother. I didn’t care. I hated him then. He looked tired and mean, just like his dad. As I watched him I was thinking about later that night, about getting stoned and dancing at the club with Adi. I wondered what she would think of Ezrah. Of me sitting in the car with him, atoning for my sins.

Adi made all the arrangements for us to move upstairs. I did it because I wanted to get out of my parents’ place for good. After a few months at the club, I’d made pretty good money and Adi said that we’d make a lot more if we lived up there. I usually made at least $150 per shift and always extra if I did stuff in the back. Adi said that the girls who took guys up to their rooms could make over $800 a night! Management took 35 percent at the end of the week, plus $150 for laundry and phone. I thought that was a lot, but Adi said we could stiff them a bit, pretend like our tips were smaller than they were and just give 35 percent on the standard fees: $75 for a blow job, $150 for full service.

I didn’t think so much about what it would be like living up there when I said yes. Making big tips was part of the thrill of the whole thing.

The day we moved in, I waited in a little area outside the office with my stuff while Adi got our keys. I wanted to know how she got into dancing, but it always seemed like a stupid question right before I was going to ask. I mean, I knew it was probably complicated because of immigration. I’d seen Nadia’s disgusting father once at the club, with this young Russian girl who looked almost skeletal. I went downstairs the second I saw him and stayed for two hours.

After a few minutes, this guy stuck his head out of the office. He looked at me like something was wrong with my clothes. I’d never seen that guy at the club before. He was short and thin, with brushed-back black hair. I opened my mouth to say something or smile, but he just turned and closed the door.

I heard Adi speaking Russian. I didn’t want to meet that asshole. I was glad she knew what to say to him.

But when she came out of the office, she wasn’t looking at my eyes. She just linked her arm through mine and we headed up the stairs. I noticed Lani and Coco hovering up at the top, but they had disappeared into their rooms by the time we got up there.

I didn’t expect that it was going to be so much like a regular hotel, a regular shithole. The stucco walls were grey with dirt. Sheets were heaped knee-high outside the doors. Our rooms were right beside each other: 221 and 223.

‘Don’t worry,’ Adi said to me as she handed me the key. ‘We’ll be out of here in a few months. Make the cash and then leave.’

‘Where are we going?’ I asked.

‘Jamaica. Good weed.’

I thought for a second about living with Adi in a bikini, stoned on the beach in Negril. I wanted to go by myself to Japan.

Everything in this craphole hotel was right away worse than I’d imagined. It smelled like bourbon and beer. I could hear a radio through the walls. I felt like I’d just arrived at a place where girls were carcasses packed together in a freezer.

It didn’t smell so bad inside my room, though. Someone must have just sprayed perfume. But in the bathroom there was a clump of black hair down the drain of the sink. The plant in the bathroom had wilted brown vines. I unhooked it and gave it some water. The soil was filled with tiny white balls.

In the bedroom, two mirrors faced the bed. One of them was full-length. My window overlooked the parking lot. There were a few trucks out back. For the first time I noticed that there was a park down the street from the club, at the end of all the factories. It looked like a high green hill with trees on top. I couldn’t tell how far it went back. I was standing there staring when the street lights turned on.

I went over to Adi’s room. She was putting her stuff away in the drawers. I’d told my parents I was moving into a friend’s apartment, so I didn’t really bring that much stuff. Just two big bags of clothes, some books and some shoes.

‘You’re already finished unpacking?’ Adi asked without turning around.

When I didn’t say anything back, she said, ‘Don’t worry, Mira. Everything is fine.’

I sat down on the edge of her bed. She still hadn’t looked at me. For the first time I felt like she wasn’t telling the truth, that nothing was fine.

‘What’d that guy downstairs say about me having a room?’

Adi kept wiping her hands off on the bedspread in between unpacking her clothes, which were all folded expertly. It occurred to me at that moment that maybe she did really have kids.

‘You have the room, don’t you?’

Adi was setting up her makeup by the table and mirror. When she finished, she turned on the
TV
. Then she propped herself up against a pillow at the top of the bed. I climbed in beside her. I felt like talking but I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know if I felt bad or if she felt bad or which of us was worse. I took her hand. It was cold. I kept moving my fingers around, squeezing, trying to say something about the place, or ask ¬≠something about her, her life, but it wouldn’t come out. We just stayed on her bed like that, eyes glazed over, watching
TV
. I fell asleep on top of the covers.

When I woke up, I didn’t know where I was. My neck was twisted and my muscles hurt. I turned to look over at Adi. She was still sitting up. The
TV
was on but she’d turned off the sound. Her eyes were wide open but it looked like she was sleeping.

I slowly rolled my head until it was straight. I just wanted to be still. I wanted to keep my body still.

I remember how after I hit him with the broom, three weeks later, John came back. I couldn’t believe it. I guess I felt a bit strange about what happened. I mean, at first I was relieved when I thought I’d never see him again, but then I felt bad. I thought:
What if I was wrong? What if I was wrong to be so upset?
I couldn’t believe I’d hit him with the broom! Why exactly had I been so mad?

John didn’t look at me when he ordered a coffee. He didn’t give me a tip either.

I thought:
Just be nice to him even if he isn’t nice to you.

I went to clean off the table where he was sitting to say hi. John didn’t look good. He was smoking and looking out the window. I felt like I had to make things better.

‘Come on, John. How are you?’

He looked up at me with soupy eyes. For a second I thought for sure he was going to cry. I had to make it better right away.

‘John … ’

‘What?’

It wouldn’t come out of my mouth.

‘What, Mira?’

‘I don’t know … ’

‘Yeah? What do you want to say?’

‘Nothing. I mean, I feel bad about last time.’

John reached for my little finger and squeezed it. He butted out his cigarette and then took my whole hand.

‘We’re gonna be okay. It’s all going to be okay.’

I didn’t want him to say that. That’s not what I meant. I just wanted to make sure he was okay. God, I didn’t want him to say that! I smelled the smoke and the coffee wafting off him.

John waited for me outside after work that day. He was standing there grinning with his hands behind his back. I thought:
I am the one who’s done it this time. I didn’t leave it alone. I made this happen.

We walked back to his place in silence. My stomach was a mess. He’d cleaned up a bit in there. It didn’t smell as meaty as the last time either. I sat on the couch. John sat down beside me right away.

‘I’ve got to say it, Mira.’

I was staring out the window.

‘You look beautiful. I mean it. You are a beautiful, sexy girl.’

‘Stop.’

‘What? Hasn’t anyone ever told you that?’

‘Not like that.’

‘Like what?’

I glanced over at him. ‘Looking like you do and saying that.’

‘You mean looking at you like I want to kiss you?’ he asked.

I squeezed my lips together. I couldn’t stop them from turning into a smile.

John slid closer to me and took my face with his hands. His skin was dotted with sharp black hairs. Suddenly his tongue was everywhere in my mouth. I tensed my thighs. I was letting this happen all over again.

John pulled away first. Our lips came apart with a loud pop. My mouth felt like it was hanging from my face.

‘Now you look even more … You really look like a princess. Look, I’ll show you how beautiful you are, just wait.’

John jumped up and turned on the
TV
. He got out a video camera that was behind it. I just sat there staring. My body was beating from that kiss. I didn’t want to be on this couch again.

John was hunched down behind the video camera. It was a bit easier to look at him when his face was covered. ‘You see yourself, Mira?’