Read The Horse With My Name Online
Authors: Bateman
The Horse With My Name
THE HORSE
WITH MY NAME
Bateman
Copyright © 2002 Bateman
The right of Bateman to be identified as the Author of the Work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
Apart from any use permitted under UK copyright law, this publication may only be reproduced, stored, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means, with prior permission in writing of the publishers or, in the case of reprographic production, in accordance with the terms of licences issued by the Copyright Licensing Agency.
First published as an Ebook by Headline Publishing Group in 2011
All characters in this publication are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.
Cataloguing in Publication Data is available from the British Library
eISBN : 9780755384853
HEADLINE PUBLISHING GROUP
An Hachette UK Company
338 Euston Road
London NW1 3BH
www.headline.co.uk
www.hachette.co.uk
Contents
For Andrea and Matthew
1
I was shaking hands with the vicar in the rain when the phone rang. I dried off on that week’s towel and crossed the bedroom. A voice at the other end said, ‘Dubliners are skin-gathering showers of shite.’
I said, ‘Excuse me, you might have a wrong number,’ and put the phone down. I flipped the answer machine on so that I wouldn’t be disturbed again, but by the time I got back to the shower the water had run cold, the vicar had gone and my headache had returned.
I believe you actually have to have the shower in a small, separate room to be able to describe it as en suite; this one sat in the corner beside my bed, the plastic curtain hanging off the railing. You never know quite when the urge to shake hands with the vicar will come on you, so to speak, and this time it had come halfway through shaving in the shower, so I was left with a five-day growth on one side of my face and the other side cut and bleeding from a six-week-old razor which had, according to the packaging on the floor, been cut from the hull of the
Ark Royal
. There remained three inches of water at the base of the shower which was draining away a drop at a time; only with the
power off could I hear the weird sucking sound it made as it battled to escape. It had been a while since I’d experienced a weird sucking sound so I decided to investigate. I had two fingers down the drain when the phone rang again, and the machine clicked in. The voice said, ‘I’m serious, Dan, they
are
. But give me a call anyway, I might have some work for you.’ He left me his number, no code, so I presumed it was Belfast. I recognised the voice, but couldn’t quite place it; I was still running possible names through my head when I came up with the remains of a leg of chicken from the drain, the sucking sound ceased and the water started to gurgle appreciatively away. I took a nibble at the leg. It tasted vaguely spicy. I gave some thought to the possibility that I might have stumbled on the Colonel’s secret recipe, but not a lot.
I sat on the bed and warmed myself before the three-bar electric fire with the glowing coal-effect façade. In the absence of a television in my little bedsit palace I had taken to watching the façade and been pleasantly surprised at the standard of programming. You couldn’t always pick up the Liverpool game but you got a great view of the mountains at sunset. However, I’d managed to put my foot through it a couple of nights before while trying to locate the equally unsweet toilet in the blackness of a heavy session and now it sat dark and cracked like a fellated Krakatoa; from technicolour to black-and-white movies with one drunken footstep. It wasn’t my only entertainment, of course. There was a pub round the corner and my laptop, though I used one more than the other. Somehow, the words wouldn’t flow, but the beer always would. It had something to do with a little white coffin and the fact that my life was a disaster. I had tried to commit suicide by putting my head in the fridge, which was just about the standard of everything I attempted in life. There was a biography of a
fat boxer which had cost me thousands in libel payments, there was a thin novel about a teenage messiah which had been remaindered within six weeks, there was a
making of
book about a hit Hollywood movie which was not, and there were a thousand and one columns taking the pish out of the fighting Northern Irish, except they were now the ones taking the pish out of me. Jobless, hopeless, loveless; generally
less
everything.
I listened to the message again, but still couldn’t fit the voice to a name. I finished a can and sat thinking about things for a while, and then remembered why I’d gone to the expense and trouble of showering. I groaned and stood up. I still had my one suit hanging behind the door, but the knees were green from playing football in the park; I couldn’t turn up to marriage guidance like that; I would look like a loser. That and the big sign on my head which flashed a neon
LOSER
every time I breathed in. There were tracksuit bottoms and some scuffed trainers under the bed; there was a greyish-white T-shirt with
Harp
written in the corner I’d won in the pub movie quiz; there was my bomber jacket with the lining hanging loose, although you could only tell that if it was unzipped. I’d get there and Patricia would be wearing her wedding dress, just to rub in the fact that she had a date for the divorce hearing.
Fuck it. What was the point? She’d got some big promotion in work and seemed to be rolling in it, but I loved her too much to sue her for alimony. I had a bill in my bottom drawer for a little white coffin, but I wasn’t going to bother her with that. What were they going to do, repossess? Over my dead body.
I walked into the centre. It was only about twenty minutes. For once in my life the rain stayed off. There is a Buddy Holly song about
raining in my
. . . but the last word wouldn’t come to me. It seemed like it should be
soul
, but I wasn’t
convinced. Something with
s
: suit, soap, soup.
It’s raining in my soup
. I liked that. It wasn’t right. But I liked it.
Belfast was buzzing.
That was the slogan they used after the ceasefire. In Stormont they were doing the familiar two steps forward, three steps back, but there was a kind of peace, the kind that involved shootings, kneecappings and riots, about which a lot of reformed terrorists did a lot of tutting and shaking of heads. There was a similar kind of peace about to settle over the headquarters of the Presbyterian Church where the counselling was scheduled to take place. Patricia, in her despair, had found solace in the church, despite our experiences on Wrathlin. Some might argue that I had found solace in a bottle, but I couldn’t afford a bottle; solace in a can. The ring-pull mountain sat in one corner of the room; there was no longer any benefit in keeping them; the standard of my beer had dropped with my circumstances and I could no longer delude myself that I was drinking only to attain those air miles, that World Cup football or that outside chance of a Mini Metro. If the men at the ring-pull factory went on strike or some lager version of Auric Goldfinger cornered the market in world ring-pull supplies then I might be in a position to cash in, but in the meantime my ring-pull mountain wasn’t enough to convince the bank manager that I was a safe bet on a mortgage, an ATM card or even an account.
I walked through the doomy doors of Church House and told them I was looking for sanctuary. They told me sanctuary was only available on Tuesdays and Thursdays between six and eight p.m., and could I come back. I wasn’t sure if they were joking. There were two of them, sisters from the looks of them (although, of course, not
sisters
in the habit and revolver sense), and they wore identical hats and looks of disdain and told me that I’d gotten the wrong
day for the AA meeting. I set my can down on the counter and said I was here for marriage guidance, but I could come back for the other one. I suggested to them that they should form a larger organisation called the AAAA, for drinking drivers, but they didn’t know what I was talking about.
They pointed me in the right direction, which was any direction which took me away from them, and I heard them fussing and whittering to each other as I headed for the stairs.
There are no elevators in church buildings. It’s a fact. Not even for the disabled. I suppose it’s something to do with ascending to heaven, or hell in the case of the marriage guidance office three flights up. It wasn’t called marriage guidance any more, of course, that was too old-fashioned; there was a proper organisation called Relate, somewhere, but that would have been too straightforward for Patricia. This was my third visit and they should have called it Relate To This You Misanthropic Bastard. Instead they called it Providence. I’m sure there was a reason. It was run by a woman called Mary Boland. When I first met her I told her one of my favourite books in primary school was
The Forest of Boland Light Railway
and she told me to sit down and be quiet or I’d be kept behind. She gave us a lot of guff about love and God and problems and God, all the time Patricia nodding and me staring at Patricia. That was the first time. The second time Patricia slapped me and I pulled her hair and Mrs Boland had to call in a passing curate to separate us. This third time I slouched in and took my seat and smiled at Mary Boland and apologised for last time. She nodded and made a note. Patricia had not yet arrived.
I asked if I could smoke and she said no.
‘Drink?’
‘No.’
‘Drugs?’
‘No. Mr Starkey?’
‘Call me Clive.’
She looked at her notes. ‘Clive?’
‘I’m thinking of changing my name. Although I’m more Clive Dunn than Clive of India.’
She blinked and said, ‘Dan, Patricia called. She won’t be coming.’
‘What?’
‘She thinks it’s pointless. She’s decided on the divorce.’
I nodded. ‘You could have called me. Let me know.’
‘It was only half an hour ago. I tried to leave a message.’
‘You have to give at least twenty-four hours for the dentist.’
‘I’m not a dentist, Dan.’
‘Aren’t you?’
I sighed.
She sighed. ‘Dan, I know this is all very painful for you . . .’
‘Not half as painful as . . .’
‘Don’t say it, Dan. That was one of her big complaints, that you never take anything seriously.’
‘
Au contraire
. Or on the contrary. I take everything seriously. If I happen to be hilariously funny in my responses it’s just my way of covering up the hidden pain. It’s more of a cry for help than anything. Tears of a clown, as Smokey said.’
We looked at each other for several long moments. Actually she wasn’t a bad sort, she was trying to help, she just happened to be blinkered by religion. She had short dark hair and a thin aquiline nose. She wore pale lipstick and a shirt buttoned right up. She closed her file of notes. ‘I very rarely say this, Dan; in fact, I’m not meant to. But you know I’ve been having one-to-one sessions with Patricia, so I happen to know that she loves you.
The problem is that you won’t talk to her about what happened . . .’