Oy!: The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes

Early Years

Sarah has recently given birth to her first child. Sarah is also a bit of a worrier, to say the least, and she hasn’t been home long before she calls her doctor in a state of panic.

“So what’s the problem, Sarah?” asks the doctor.

“My baby has a temperature of 102, doctor. Is he going to die?” shouts Sarah.

The doctor, needing to determine whether Sarah was taking the reading under the arm, in the mouth or elsewhere, says, “I hope you don’t mind me asking you this question, but—how are you taking it?

Sarah replies, “Oh, I’m holding up pretty well, doctor.”

Sadie is 65 years old and has always remained unmarried, yet she desperately wants a baby of her own. So with the help of modern science and with the help of a fertility specialist, Sadie has her miracle baby.

When she gets home, all her friends and relatives come to see her and meet the new member of her family. But when they ask to see the baby, Sadie says, “not yet.”

A little later they again ask to see the baby and again Sadie says, “not yet.”

Finally they ask, “So when can we see the baby?”

Sadie replies, “When the baby cries.”

“Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?” they say.

Sadie replies, “Because I forgot where I put it.”

Rivkah went to her doctor for a checkup. Afterward the doctor said to her, “I must inform you that you have a fissure in your uterus, and if you ever have a baby it would be a miracle.”

As soon as she got home, Rivkah said to her husband, “You vouldn’t belief it. I vent to the doctah and he told me—‘You haf a fish in your uterus and if you haf a baby it vill be a mackerel.’ ”

Yitzhak and Melvyn live in a retirement home. One day, they are sitting on a bench under a tree, and Yitzhak turns to Melvyn and says, “Melvyn, I’m 85 years old and I’m full of aches and pains. You’re about my age. How do you feel?"

Melvyn replies, “I feel just like a new-born baby.”

“Really? Like a baby?”

“Yes,” replies Melvyn, “No hair, no teeth and I think I just wet myself.”

Sam had just picked up his wife Beckie and their new baby from the hospital and brought them home. It was not long before Beckie suggested that Sam should try his hand at changing the diaper. “I’m busy,” he said, “I promise I’ll do the next one.”

The next time soon came around so Beckie asked him again. Sam looked at Beckie and said, innocently, “I didn’t mean the next diaper, I meant the next baby.”

Ruth had just given birth to her tenth child in Edgware hospital. “Congratulations,” said the nurse, “but don’t you think this is enough of the babies, already?"

Ruth replied, “Are you joking? This is the only time I get to have a vacation each year.”

The time had arrived for Moshe to take his Leah to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor told them that he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor.

The doctor set the pain transfer dial to ten percent for starters, explaining that even ten percent was probably more pain than Moshe had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, Moshe felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to twenty percent pain transfer. Moshe was still feeling fine. The doctor checked his blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for fifty percent. Moshe continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out Leah considerably, Moshe encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. Leah delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. Leah and Moshe were ecstatic.

When they got home, they found their milkman dead at their front door.

Miriam gets on a bus with her baby. As she goes to pay her fare, the bus driver says to her, “I’ve seen a lot of babies in my time but that’s the ugliest one I’ve ever seen in my life.”

Miriam is shocked and very angry at this insensitive remark. She sits down and starts to cry. The man next to her asks her what’s the matter.

Miriam replies, “The bus driver just insulted me.”

The man replies, “I wouldn’t let him get away with it. You go and give him a piece of your mind. Go on—I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Little Benjy was in his Hebrew class and was learning all about how God created everything, including humans. He was especially interested when his teacher got to the bit about how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later that day, Benjy’s mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, so she said to him, “Benjy, darling, what’s the matter with you?"

Benjy replied, “I have a pain in my side, Mom. I think I’m going to have a wife.”

As his wife was expecting their first baby, Rabbi Bloom went to the synagogue committee and asked for a salary increase. After much deliberation, they passed a resolution that when the rabbi’s family expanded again, so would his payslip.

Six children later, it began to get expensive for the
shul
and they decided to hold a meeting again to discuss the rabbi’s salary situation. This time there was much arguing and shouting. Rabbi Bloom could take it no more, so he got up and said, “Having children is an act of God.”