Oy!: The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes (8 page)

Sam is a nice young man who has fallen in love with a girl he has just met. When Sam tells his father about her, the father just wants to know her family name.

When Sam tells him that the girl’s name is Ford, his father says that Ford is not a good Jewish name and he must forget her and go and find a Jewish girl.

Time passes and Sam finds another girl. Her name is Smith, so his father tells him to find a nice Jewish girl with a nice Jewish name.

More time passes and Sam finds another girl, but this time he is sure that he has solved the problem because the girl’s name is Goldberg.

“Goldberg,” exclaims his father, “this makes me very happy because it’s a real good Jewish name, and from a good established family.”

Then his father asks, “Is her first name one of my favorite names, like Rachael, or Rebecca?”

“No, Father,” replies Sam, “it’s Whoopi.”

Did you hear about the guy who called his girlfriend “Mezuzah” because she liked to be kissed?

Shlomo and Hetty, an elderly widow and widower, had been dating for about three years when Shlomo finally decided to ask Hetty to marry him. She immediately said “yes.”

The next morning when he awoke, Shlomo couldn’t remember what her answer was. “Was she happy? I think so. Wait, no, she looked at me funny . . .” After about an hour of trying to remember, but to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave Hetty a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn’t remember her answer to his proposal.

“Oh,” Hetty said, “I’m so glad you called. I remembered saying ‘yes’ to someone, but I couldn’t remember who it was.”

Benny is almost 32 years old. All his friends are now married but Benny just dates and dates. Finally his friend asks him, “What’s the matter, Benny? Are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you really that fussy? Surely you can find someone who suits you?"

“No, I just can’t,” Benny replies. “I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them. So I keep on looking.”

“Listen,” his friend suggests, “why don’t you find a girl who’s just like your mother?”

Many weeks go by and again Benny and his friend get together.

“So, have you found the perfect girl yet? One that’s just like your mother?”

Benny shrugs his shoulders, “Yes, I found one just like mom. Mom loved her right from the start and they have become good friends.”

“So, do I owe you a
Mazeltov?
Are you and this girl engaged yet?”

“I’m afraid not. My father can’t stand her!”

Q
: Why is it so difficult to find Jewish men who are sensitive, caring and handsome?

A:
They already have boyfriends.

Howard, a young gay man, telephones his mother and says, “Mom, I’ve decided to go back into the closet. I’ve met a wonderful girl and we are going to be married. What do you think of this news? You’ll be happier now—I know that my gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to you.”

She responds, “I’m very glad, Howard. I suppose it would be too much to hope that she’s a Jewish girl?”

Howard replies, “Not only is she Jewish, mom, but she comes from a wealthy Beverly Hills family.”

“So what’s her name?”

“Monica Lewinsky.”

There is a pause, then his mother asks, “What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?”

Suzie and Carol, two widows in a New Jersey adult community center, were curious about the latest arrival—a quiet, nice-looking man who, most of the time, kept to himself. Carol said to Suzie, “You know I’m shy. Why don’t you go over to him and find out a little bit about him. He looks so lonely.” Suzie agreed.

So she walked up to him and said, “Excuse me, I hope you don’t mind me asking, but my friend and I were wondering why you looked so lonely.”

“I’m lonely,” he said, “Because I’ve spent the past twenty years in prison.”

“You’re kidding me! What ever for?”

“For killing my third wife. I strangled her.”

“What happened to your second wife?”

“I poisoned her.”

“And, if I may ask, what about your first wife?”

“We had a fight and she fell out the window.”

“Oh my goodness,” said Suzie.

Then turning to her friend on the other side of the room, she shouted, “Carol. It’s OK, he’s single!”

Beckie and Sadie have both lost their husbands and are hoping to find new partners. One day, Sadie says to Beckie, “That nice Bernie Schwartz asked me out for a date the other day. I know you went out with him recently, so tell me about him before we meet.”

Beckie replies, “Well, OK, I’ll tell you. He shows up at my apartment exactly on time, just like a quartz clock. And like a
mensch
he is dressed— fine jacket, beautiful shirt and a smart tie. He brings me my favorite chocolates, you know, the ones I would die for. And he comes in an expensive Lexus car, no less, with a uniformed chauffeur wearing a peaked cap. So then he takes me out to dinner, a kosher restaurant even, just as I would have wanted. Then we go and see a Broadway show. Oh, Sadie, I enjoyed that evening so much. But when we come back to my apartment for a coffee, everything changes. He suddenly goes completely crazy He grabs hold of me, tears off my expensive Cerruti dress like it was made of paper and, and—he had his way with me!”

Sadie says,
“Oy Vay!
So are you telling me I shouldn’t go out with him?”

Beckie replies, “No. All I’m saying is if you do go out with him, wear
shmattas
[rags].”

Hannah comes home from her afternoon out with her boyfriend Arnold looking very unhappy “What’s the matter, Hannah?” asks her mother.

“Arnold has asked me to marry him,” she replies.

“Mazeltov!
But why are you looking so sad?” her mother asks.

“Because he also told me that he was an atheist. Oh, mom, he doesn’t even believe in Hell.”

Her mother then says, “That’s all right Hannah, it really isn’t a problem. I suggest you marry him and between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”