Oy!: The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes (5 page)

The Student Letter and Its Reply

Dear Dad

University life is really great and I’m beginning to enjoy it. Even though I’m making lots of new friends, I still find time to study very hard. I already have some stuff and I simply can’t think of anything else I need, so if you like, you can just send me a simple card as I would love to hear from you.

Love, your son,

Moshe

His father replies:

Dear Moshe

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are

probably NOt eNOugh to keep even an hoNOrs student busy. But

do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task and

one can never study eNOugh.

Love, your father,

ArNOld

Two
yeshiva
students are discussing whether it is allowed to smoke while learning Torah. But they cannot reach any agreement. So Yankel says to Moshe, “We will go and ask the Rebbe.”

When they find the rabbi, Yankel asks him, “Rebbe, is it permitted to smoke while learning Torah?”

The rabbi replies in a severe tone of voice, “Certainly not!”

Moshe then addresses the rabbi, “Rebbe, let me ask you another question. May we learn Torah while we smoke?”

The rabbi immediately replies, with a warm smile, “Yes, of course!”

Just before the class took their math exams, their teacher asked them the following problem to test how well they would do in the real exam:

A rich man dies and leaves $440 million in his will. One-third is to go to his wife; one-fifth is to go to his son; one-sixth to his chauffeur; one-eighth to his secretary; and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?

After a long silence in the classroom, Saul raised his hand.

“Yes, Saul,” said the teacher.

“A good tax lawyer!” he replied.

Jacob from Russia had just completed a training course entitled “Improve your English” and was taking an oral exam. The examiner asked him to spell “cultivate.”

Jacob spelled it correctly.

Then the examiner asked Jacob to use the word “cultivate” in a sentence.

Jacob thought about it for a while, then replied, “Last vinter, on a very cold day, I vas vaiting for de bus but it vas too cultivate so I took an underground train home.”

Rifka told her daughter. “You should read your Bible, Sarah, just like Grandma does.”

Sarah replied, “I don’t have to yet, mummy. Grandma’s studying for her final exams.”

Q: What’s a genius?

A: An average student with a Jewish mother.

One morning, the teacher asks her class, “All those who want to go to heaven, please put up your hand.”

Everyone raises their hand except Benjamin, so the teacher asks, “Why don’t you want to go to heaven, Benjamin?”

“Because,” he replies, “I heard my father tell my mother, ‘Business has gone to hell,’ and I want to go where the business went.”

It was lunchtime at the Jewish nursery school and all the children were lined up by the teachers. Then, as usual, they were led into the cafeteria. Little Moshe quickly noticed that at one end of the dining table was a large pile of apples with the message: “Take ONLY ONE apple each, God is watching.”

At the other end he noticed was a large pile of kosher chocolate chip cookies. Moshe then whispered to his friend Sarah, “We can take all the cookies we want. God is watching the apples.”

Bar Mitzvahs

Young Bernie Gold was nearly twelve years old and although he had a lower than average IQ, he was a dutiful and caring son. One day, he was having a chat with his father. “Dad, it’s Father’s Day on Sunday and I want to buy you something. Mom said I should ask you what you wanted.”

Mr. Gold only needed to think for a moment. “What do I want? I only want one thing—you are twelve months away from your Bar Mitzvah and I would be so very happy if you could learn at last to speak Hebrew.”

Bernie groaned aloud, “You know how hard I’m finding it at school to learn new subjects, Dad. I’m such a slow learner. I just don’t think I would be able to learn Hebrew.”

Mr. Gold looked squarely at his son and said, “Bernie, you’re better than you think you are. I’ll even help you, just as my father helped me. If you could do this for me, it would please me so very much!”

“OK, I’ll try Dad, just for you, but please don’t be angry with me if I fail.”

So next Sunday, they went to see the rabbi and soon after that Bernie was enrolled in the synagogue’s Hebrew classes. Over the months that followed, Bernie kept his promise by attending regularly and trying as hard as he could. One day, Mr. Gold decided to visit the synagogue and check on Bernie’s progress. He entered the class in the middle of a lesson and when it came to Bernie’s turn to read, Mr. Gold was soon dismayed to discover how little Hebrew Bernie could manage after all the months that had gone by. Bernie was very slow and made many mistakes in his reading. But even worse, Mr. Gold realized that what he was hearing from Bernie was the beginning of the Kaddish. He was shocked—the Kaddish is the prayer for the dead, the words that every son is expected to recite after his father’s death.

“Rabbi, what on earth are you teaching my son?” argued Mr. Gold after the lesson was over. “I’m only in my forties—I’m a young man still in good health. I go jogging and Israeli dancing every week. Do I really look so ill that you are teaching Bernie to say the Kaddish now?”

The rabbi replied, “Mr. Gold, please God you should live so long that Bernie is able to say the whole of the Kaddish over you!”

Issy wanted something extra-special and memorable for his son Paul’s Bar Mitzvah. He spent weeks checking out the swankiest venues and the best caterers in New York and then settled on a very plush banquet hall and an enormously expensive caterer who promised him a great surprise on the night.

“Issy,” said the caterer, “don’t worry It will be such a special event that everyone who attends will talk about it for years to come.”

“OK, where do I sign?” said Issy.

The night of Paul’s Bar Mitzvah party arrived. As soon as everyone was seated, the lights dimmed and to a fanfare from Sam Bloom’s Symphony Orchestra, twelve powerful searchlights shone upward while at the same time, an uncannily lifelike model of Paul slowly descended from the ceiling. But this was no ordinary sculpture. It was made entirely out of chopped liver. From all over the hall could be heard gasps of amazement. Then the toastmaster announced that the sculpture had been created by the great Henry Moore himself. Everyone cheered. At the end of the affair, Issy met with the caterer to settle the bill.

“This was indeed a very special night for me,” Issy said, “but one thing upset me. Did you really have to get that Gentile Henry Moore to make the statue? Why didn’t you get a Jew? Couldn’t you have asked, say, Epstein?”

“Well, to tell you the truth,” said the caterer, “I
did
ask Epstein, but he only works in egg and onion.”

Moshe was a braggart and loved to outdo his friends whenever he could and now it was coming up to the time of his son Isaac’s Bar Mitzvah. He gave it a lot of thought and then, after studying many brochures and maps, he hit upon a perfect, unique way to celebrate—a safari. So Moshe went ahead with the detailed arrangements. He started off by hiring a special flight to Africa to accommodate all the invited family and friends. Then he chose a guide and his bearers. He called the guide in Africa and told him what he wanted.

“I want my entourage to be able to hear jungle chants; I want to be able to shoot some wild animals, on film of course; I need a clearing to be found where my rabbi can hold the service; and I want my son to be able to recite his prayers in Hebrew while standing on the body of an anesthetized lion.”

“OK,” said the guide, “no problem.”

The guests were ecstatic when they received details of the trip and all accepted their invitation. Come the day of departure, they were all flown to Africa. On arrival, the guide and bearers were waiting for them, together with thirty elephants. Off they went with the guide leading the way and directing the elephants along the narrow trails through the rain forest. But then, just five hours into the journey, the column of elephants came to a sudden halt and the guide shouted, “There will now be a delay of two hours.”

Moshe was angry at this. “Why the delay?” he asked his guide.

“There’s nothing I can do,” said the guide, “there’s another two Bar Mitzvah safaris ahead of us.”