Oy!: The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes (20 page)

Jewish personal ads—part 2:

I’ve had it all: herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia, and four of the ten plagues. Now I’m ready to settle down. So where are all the nice Jewish men hiding?

Yeshiva bucher,
Torah scholar, long beard and sidelocks. Seeks same in woman.

Nice Jewish guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.

Are you the girl I talked to at the Kiddush after
shut
last week? You excused yourself to get more horseradish for your gefilte fish, but you never returned. How can I contact you again? (I was the one with the cholent stain on my tie.)

Jewish businessman, 49, manufactures Sabbath candles, Chanukah candles, Havdalah candles, Yahrzeit candles. Seeks non-smoker.

Eighty-year-old
bubbeh,
no assets, seeks handsome, virile Jewish male, under 35. Object matrimony. I can dream, can’t I?

I am a sensitive Jewish prince whom you can open your heart to. Share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I’ll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.

Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, athletics. Has slight limp.

Orthodox woman with
get,
seeks man who got
get,
or can get
get.
Get it?

I’ll show you mine, if you show me yours.

Couch potato
latke,
in search of the right apple sauce. Let’s try it for eight days. Who knows?

Female graduate student, studying Zohar, Kabbalah [Jewish mysticism], exorcism of
dybbuks
[demons], seeks
mensch.
No weirdos, please.

Israeli professor, 41, with eighteen years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good.

Kitty has just bought her first telephone answering machine and guess what she decided to record on it?

If you want me to make smoked salmon when you come round, press 1; if you want chopped liver press 2; if you want chicken soup, press 3; if you want chicken soup with matzo balls, press 4; if you want to know how am I feeling, you must have dialed the wrong number because nobody ever asks me how I am. Who knows, I could even be dead by now.

Jacob was listening to Kosher FM on his radio when he heard the announcer say, “We now have a request for a favorite record from a Mr. Weinberg—goodness!—who is 111 and off work this week.”

Then, almost immediately, Jacob heard the announcer make this correction, “Sorry, listeners, I got it wrong. The next request is from Mr. Weinberg who is ILL and off work this week.”

There are three signs on the wall in Moshe’s Furniture Warehouse:

There are two very good reasons why we won’t cash your check. Either we don’t know you, or we DO know you.”

We have an agreement with all the local banks. They don’t sell furniture and we don’t cash checks.”

We don’t blame our competitors for charging less for their furniture.

After all, they should know what their stuff is worth.”

Lionel is walking home one Friday afternoon feeling quite downcast because he is starting a new job on Monday and desperately needs a new suit, but he can’t afford to buy one. Just then he passes the Menswear Shop and sees a large sign in the window:

What d’ya think, my name is Fink

And I sell clothes for nothink!

Lionel goes into the shop and chooses a new suit. He is very pleased with it—it’s just right for his new job. He is about to leave the shop, looking good and feeling lucky, when his joy is cut short. Fink stops him and demands payment for the suit.

Lionel says, “But your sign in the window says, "What d’ya think, my name is Fink and I sell clothes for nothink.” So how come you want payment?”

“You are reading my sign wrong,” replies Fink. ”It actually says,

‘What d’ya think, my name is Fink?

And I sell clothes for nothink?’ ”

Abe and Janine, an elderly Jewish couple, are sitting together on an airplane flying to the Far East. Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down in a few minutes’ time. The good news is that I can see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. The bad news is that this island appears to be uncharted—I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives.”

Abe turns to Janine and asks, “Janine, dear, did we turn off the oven?” and Janine replies, “Of course.”

“Janine, are our life insurance policies paid up?”

“Of course.”

“Janine, did we pay our pledge for the Kol Nidre Appeal?”

“Oh my God, I forgot to send off the check.”

“Thank Heavens. They’ll find us for sure.”

One day, Jacob, a Russian Jew slipped on the wet riverbank and fell into the water. Unfortunately, Jacob could not swim and was in serious danger of drowning. Two Tsarist policemen heard cries for help and rushed over. But when they saw that it was a Jew, they laughed and just stood there watching him drown.

“Help, I can’t swim,” shouted Jacob.

“Then you will just have to drown,” they replied.

Suddenly Jacob shouted with his last breath: “Down with the Tsar!”

The policemen immediately rushed into the river, pulled Jacob out, and arrested him for trouble-making.

Nathan and Leah Levy went on holiday to Switzerland. As soon as they arrived, Nathan told Leah that he would go skiing while she unpacked.

“Don’t worry about me,” he said, “I’ll be back within two hours.”

Three hours later, he still hadn’t returned and Leah was getting very worried. So she rang the Red Cross. After four hours, a search party, with guides, dogs and army mountaineers, went out looking for Nathan. As they climbed the slopes, they began calling out, “Mr. Levy, Mr. Levy, it’s the Red Cross. Where are you Mr. Levy?”

When they got to the top of the glacier, they tried one more time, “Mr. Levy, where are you? It’s the Red Cross.”

And then they heard a faint voice say, “It’s OK. I’ve given already.”

Issy rings the bell of a very wealthy person’s house in Far Hills and when the owner comes to the door, Issy greets him.
“Sholorn aleichem,
Mr. Goldstein. I’m collecting for the Loads of Money Yeshiva, and I’m wondering if a nice wealthy Jewish person like yourself wouldn’t want to make a little contribution.”

“The name is Gold, not Goldstein, and I am not Jewish.”

“Are you sure?” asks Issy.

“I’m positive.”

“But,” says Issy “it says here that you’re Jewish and my records are never wrong.”

“I can assure you that I am certainly not Jewish,” replies Mr. Gold impatiently

“Look sir, I know that my records are never wrong. You must be joking. Are you sure you aren’t Jewish?” demands Issy.

“For the last time, I am not Jewish, my father is not Jewish, and my grandfather,
alav hasholom,
wasn’t Jewish either!”

One Sunday morning, Rabbi Rabbinovitz goes to visit Samuel Lyons. “Shalom, Sam. I’ll come straight to the point. I’ve come here because our synagogue needs your help. You’ve been a member for over twenty years and I realize that you’re always quick to pay your membership fees in full. But as you are aware, we are in a financial crisis. I’ve come here to ask you for a little extra for the new school building fund.”

“How much are you looking to get from me—how big is little?” asks Sam.

“I’ll be honest. $10,000 would be a tremendous help to us,” replies the rabbi.”

Sam responds, “Rabbi, my daughter Rebecca is soon getting married and she has asked me for $25,000 to help her buy that house she saw in Syosset. And my son David is just starting at college and he wants $25,000 to see him through the difficult first year there. My wife Sadie wants a hysterectomy and she has asked for $30,000 for the doctors’ fees and in-patient facilities. And that’s not all. You know from your own experience that to keep my mother in a nursing home, they are asking $35,000. So, Rabbi, if I can say ‘no’ to them, I can say ‘no’ to you.”

Sharon lives in an apartment building. One afternoon, she starts to worry because she hasn’t heard anything for days from the elderly widow who lives next door.

So Sharon says to her son Paul,
“Bubbeleh,
be a good boy. Go and find out how old Mrs. Himmelfarb is.”

A few minutes later, Paul returns.

“
Nu
?” asks Sharon, “Is she OK?”

“She’s fine mom, but she’s quite angry with you,” replies Paul.

“Angry with me?” says Sharon, “What has she got to be angry about?”

“Well,” says Paul, “she said, “It’s none of your business how old she is.”

Rabbi Rabinovitz answers his phone.

“Hello?”

“Hello, is this Rabbi Rabinovitz?”

“It is.”

“This is the IRS. Can you help us?”

“I’ll try.”

“Do you know Sam Cohen?”

“I do.”

“Is he a member of your congregation?”

“He is.”

“Did he donate $10,000 to the synagogue rebuilding fund last year?”

“He will!”

Hetty had just got back home after a trip to the Mall when she was shocked to find her husband Bernie lying in their bed with a beautiful young woman at his side. Hetty was speechless and ran from the room crying. Bernie went after her and caught her just as she was opening the front door to escape.

Bernie said, “Before you leave me, Hetty, please let me explain. I was driving home this afternoon when I saw this woman sitting on a wall at the bottom of our road. Her clothes were in tatters and she looked so tired and sad that I just had to stop and ask whether she needed any help. She told me she was hungry so I brought her back home and gave her the piece of last night’s roast chicken you said you didn’t want. Her shoes were so worn out that I gave her a pair of your shoes that you don’t wear any more. She was so cold that I gave her that sweater you said was no longer in fashion that you were going to give to the charity shop. Her skirt was also worn out so I gave her a new skirt from your wardrobe— one that you said didn’t fit you anymore.”

“Then just as she was about to leave the house, she asked me, ‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’ And so, here we are!”