Oy!: The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes (23 page)

Shlomo thought, “I can easily get away from him,” and he started to accelerate away. But then he had another thought, “What the hell am I doing? This is madness,” so he quickly pulled over to the side of the road and waited.

The police car pulled up behind him and a policeman got out. He walked up to Shlomo and said, “This just might be your lucky day, sir. Today is Friday the thirteenth and my shift ends in three minutes. If you can give me one good reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you off with just a warning.”

Shlomo looked at the policeman and said, “Last week, my wife Sadie ran off with a policeman and I thought you were bringing her back. That’s why I was trying to get away from you.”

The policeman said, “Enjoy the rest of your day, sir.”

Moshe went into his local post office to buy some stamps. As he walked up to the counter, he saw a man methodically sticking stamps onto a pile of pink envelopes. He was also placing “I Love You” heart-shaped stickers onto the envelopes. When he had finished, the man took out a bottle of French perfume and sprayed all the envelopes with it.

Moshe had to find out why, so he went up to the man and asked. The man replied, “I’m sending out a hundred scented Valentine cards, each one signed, ‘From you know who.’”

“Why so many?” Moshe asked.

“Because I’m a divorce lawyer and business is not so good.”

“Mr. Issy Levy,” says the divorce court judge, “I have reviewed this case very carefully indeed, and as a result of the facts, I’ve decided to award your wife Rifka $350 a week.”

“That’s very fair of you, your honor,” says Issy, “and every now and then, I’ll try to send her some money too.”

A classic example of
chutzpah
is someone who kills his mother and father and then throws himself on the mercy of the court because he is an orphan.

It was Christmas and Judge Levy was in a merry mood as he asked the defendant, “What are you charged with?"

“Doing my Christmas shopping early,” replied the defendant.

“But that’s not an offense,” said Judge Levy.

“It is if you do it before the shop opens,” said the defendant.

Did you see the recent story in the
Jewish Chronicle
about the theft of egg-enriched dough from a New Jersey warehouse? Unfortunately, the theft happened just before Shabbes and it forced many local bakeries to bake their
challahs
with plain, white flour. A leading rabbi was quoted as saying, “I’m appalled by the rise in
white-challah
crimes.”

Solly is serving time in Sing Sing prison for a securities fraud. Even so, he is still loved by his father Maurice. One day, Maurice writes Solly a letter:

My darling Solly,

It looks like I won’t be able to plant anything in the garden this year. I am growing too old to do any digging without your help.

Looking forward to your early release.

Love from your Dad

Solly replies:

Dearest Dad

Please don’t dig up the garden—that’s where I hid the money and the securities. Be patient. Wait until I get out.

Love as always, Solly

At 4 a.m. the police show up at Maurice’s house and dig up the entire garden. Two days later, Maurice receives another letter from Solly:

Dearest Dad,

Now the garden has been dug over, you can start to plant your garden. It’s the best I could do from here.

Your devoted son Solly

Benjy had been arrested and was now up before the judge.

The judge asks, “Do you admit you broke into the same clothes shop three times?”

“Yes,” replies Benjy.

“Could you please tell the court what you stole,” asks the judge.

“I stole a dress, your honor,” replies Benjy.

“Just one dress? But you admitted to breaking in three times!” says the judge.

“Yes I did, your honor,” says Benjy, “but on two of those occasions, I broke in to return the dress I took before.”

“Return the dress? Why? I don’t understand,” says the judge.

“Because my wife Bette didn’t like the design, your honor.”

When Rivkah was called up for jury service, she asked the judge whether she could be excused. “I don’t believe in capital punishment,” she said, “and I wouldn’t want my views to prevent the trial from running its proper course.”

The judge liked her thoughtfulness but had to tell her that she was perfectly suitable to serve on the jury. “Madam,” he explained, “This is not a murder trial, it’s just a simple civil lawsuit. Mrs. F is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the entire $15,000 he had promised her for her birthday so that she could carry out a makeover on her kitchen.”

“OK,” said Rivkah, “I’ll join your jury—I could be wrong about capital punishment after all.”

Issy walks into a New York bank and says he’s going to Japan for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. For collateral, he offers his new Rolls Royce. The bank is satisfied and parks it in their secured underground garage. Two weeks later to the day, Issy returns to the bank and repays the $5,000 plus interest of $9.41.

The loan officer says inquiringly, “Sir, we were delighted to have your business but checking your credit, we learned you are a multimillionaire. Why ever did you need to borrow $5,000?”

“Where else in Manhattan could I park my car for two weeks for $9.41?”

Did you hear about the Jewish Mother ATM? When you take out some money, it says to you
“Nu,
what did you do with the last $50 I gave you?"

Shlomo said to his friend Moshe, “Moshe, did I tell you that Hetty had plastic surgery the other day?"

“No you didn’t,” replied Moshe.

“Yes,” said Shlomo, “I cut up her credit cards.”

Abe’s son arrived home from school puffing and panting, sweat rolling down his face.

“Dad, you’ll be so proud of me,” he said, “I saved a dollar by running behind the bus all the way home!”

“Oy Vay!”
said Abe, “You could have run behind a taxi and saved $10.”

The Government is going to put a special tax on
tzitzit.
They are being classed as fringe benefits.

Young David asked his rich grandfather, Paul, how he had made his money. Paul said, “Well, David, it was 1955, and I was down to my last nickle. I went to the local market and invested that nickle in a large apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for a dime. The next morning, I invested the dime in two large apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and I sold them at 5
P.M.
for twenty cents. I continued this system for a month. Then Grandma’s father died and left us $2 million.”

Morris Schwartz was the oldest of seven children. Unfortunately, he had to quit school and work to help support his younger brothers and sisters. He never learned to read. So, when he married and opened a bank account, he signed his checks just “XX.” Morris then started his own business, which soon prospered. He became a very rich man.

One day, he got a call from his bank. “Mr. Schwartz, I wanted to ask you about this check. We weren’t sure you had really signed it. All these years, you’ve been signing your checks, ‘XX’; this one is signed with three X’s—”

Morris replied, “Since I’ve become rich, my wife thought I should have a middle name.”

Jacob is talking to his friend Morris. “A terrible thing,” says Jacob. “My daughter Rifka is getting married tomorrow and I promised a dowry of $25,000. Now, half the dowry is missing.”

“So what?” replies Morris. “One usually pays only half of the promised dowry at the beginning of the wedding.”

“I know, but that’s the half which is missing.”

Paul and Bernard are out enjoying themselves one afternoon on a lake when their boat starts sinking. Bernard says to Paul, “So listen, Paul, I have a problem, you know I don’t swim at all well.”

But luckily, Paul remembers how to carry another swimmer from his lifeguard class years ago when he was just a youngster and so he begins pulling Bernard toward safety. After fifteen minutes of this, however, Paul begins to grow quite tired—all his energy has left him. And finally, just 100 feet from land, Paul asks Bernard, “So Bernard, do you suppose you could float alone?”

Bernard replies, “Paul, this is a hell of a time to be asking about money!”

It’s nearly four o’clock in the morning and Sadie wakes up to see her husband pacing up and down the bedroom floor.

“Moshe, come back to bed, it’s not yet morning,” she tells him.

Moshe replies, “I can’t go to sleep. You know the $10,000 I borrowed from our next door neighbor Bernie? Well, it’s due to be repaid tomorrow and I don’t have the money. I just don’t know what I’m going to do.”

So Sadie gets out of bed and opens the bedroom window. “Bernie!” she shouts on top of her voice, “Bernie, Bernie!”

Finally a very tired looking Bernie opens his window and shouts, “You’re crazy, Sadie. Don’t you know it’s nearly four o’clock in the morning? What the hell do you want?”

Sadie shouts back, “Bernie, you know the $10,000 my husband owes you? Well, he doesn’t have it.”

Then she slams the window shut, turns to Moshe and says, “Now you can go to sleep and let Bernie pace the floor.”