Oy!: The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes (10 page)

Rachel was sitting up reading when Moshe came in and she asked what kind of time he had. He said, “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.”

Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”

He replied, “I’ll tell you, Rachel, I never even danced one dance. When I got to the party, I bumped into Yossi, Roberto, David and some other guys, so we went into a back room and played cards all night. But I can tell you, Rachel, the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!”

A couple, preparing for conversion to Judaism, meet with the orthodox rabbi for their final session. The rabbi asks if they have any final questions. The man asks, “Is it true that men and women don’t dance together?"

“Yes,” says the rabbi, “For modesty reasons, men and women dance separately.”

“So I can’t dance with my own wife?”

“No.”

“Well, OK,” says the man, “but what about sex?”

“That’s fine,” says the rabbi. “It’s a
mitzvah
within the marriage!”

“What about different positions?” the man asks.

“No problem,” says the rabbi.

“Woman on top?” the man asks.

“Why not?” replies the rabbi.

“Well, what about standing up?”

“No, certainly not!” says the rabbi. “That could lead to dancing!”

Moshe is talking to one of his friends. “My wife Bettie will never have to work. All she needs to do is cook, clean, scrub, wash, iron and sew.”

His friend says, “That’s nice to hear, I am sure she appreciates you.”

“Well, I am not so sure,” replies Moshe, “Bettie thinks I’m too nosey. Well, that’s what she wrote in her diary, anyway.”

Moshe goes up to a beautiful woman he sees in the supermarket and says to her, “I’ve lost my wife in here and I would be very happy if you could find some time to talk to me for a few minutes.”

She asks, “Why on earth do you want me to do that?”

Moshe replies, “Because every time I talk to a gorgeous woman, my wife always appears out of nowhere.”

Ethel was married to Harry, a very successful businessman. One day, Ethel decided to have her portrait painted as a gift to Harry. When she arrived at the artist’s studio for her first sitting, Ethel told him exactly what she wanted, “You should paint me like I really am. Even the little wrinkles, you put them on your canvas. And the lines under my eyes, my flabby arms, my crooked nose, even the mole on my cheek, they must all be included. But on my hands you should put lots of rings with big diamonds and emeralds and around my neck you should put chains of gold and diamonds. OK?"

The artist looked at Ethel and asked her why she should want such detail of real life in her physical appearance, but adorn herself with imaginary jewelry.

Ethel replied, “When I die, I know Harry will remarry and when he does, his new wife will go crazy looking for the jewels.”

As the doors shut and the crowded elevator made its way down to the ground floor, Sadie got very angry with her Morris. She noticed that he was wedged up against a nice young girl and had a smile on his face that said he was delighted to be in that position. As the lift reached the ground floor and the doors were about to open, the girl suddenly slapped Morris’s face and said aloud, “I’m not that kind of girl. That will teach you not to pinch my butt!"

Sadie and Morris didn’t say a word as they made their way to the car park. When they got in the car, Morris turned to Sadie and said, “You know, darling, I really didn’t pinch that girl.”

“Of course you didn’t,” said Sadie smiling, “I did.”

Two rabbis were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world.

“I didn’t sleep with my wife before I was married,” said one of them self-righteously. “Did you?”

“I don’t know,” said the other. “What was her maiden name?”

Sadie sits down next to an attractive man on the train and says, “You look just like my fourth husband.”

The man replies, “Your fourth husband? So how many times have you been married, lady?”

“Three,” replies Sadie.

Old Jewish proverb:

“A Jewish wife will forgive and forget, but she’ll never forget what she forgave.”

Peter, John and Shlomo were in the clubhouse talking about the amount of control they each have over their wives. Peter and John are doing all the talking while Shlomo remains silent. After a while, Peter turns to Shlomo and says, “Well what about you, Shlomo, are Jewish men any different? What sort of control do you have over your wife?"

“Well, just the other night, my wife Hetty came to me on her hands and knees.”

Peter and John are amazed! “What happened then?”

“Well,” replies Shlomo, “Hetty then said, ‘Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.’ ”

Hyman was a household efficiency expert and at the end of one of his lectures, he concluded with a note of caution. “Please don’t try these techniques at home.”

“Why not?” asked Benny, who was in the audience.

“I watched my wife’s routine at breakfast for years,” Hyman explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, oven, table and cupboards, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, ‘Darling, why don’t you try carrying several things at once?’ ”

“Did it save time?” Benny asked.

“Actually, yes,” replied Hyman. “It used to take her twenty minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven.”