Oy!: The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes (14 page)

Morris calls his son in New York and says, “Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don’t want to discuss it. I’m merely telling you because you’re my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I’ve made up my mind, I’m divorcing your mother.”

The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened.

“I don’t want to get into it. My mind is made up.”

“But Dad, you can’t decide to divorce Mom just like that after 54 years together. What happened?”

“It’s too painful to talk about it. I only called because you’re my son, and I thought you should know. I really don’t want to get into it any more than this. You can call your sister and tell her. It will spare me the pain.”

“But where’s Mom? Can I talk to her?”

“No, I don’t want you to say anything to her about it. I haven’t told her yet. Believe me it hasn’t been easy. I’ve agonized over it for several days, and I’ve finally come to a decision. I have an appointment with my lawyer the day after tomorrow.”

“Dad, don’t do anything rash. I’m going to take the first flight to Chicago. Promise me that you won’t do anything until I get there.”

“Well, all right, I promise. Next week is Passover. I’ll hold off seeing the lawyer until after the Seder. Call your sister in New Jersey and break the news to her. I just can’t bear to talk about it any more.”

Half an hour later, Morris receives a call from his daughter who tells him that she and her brother were able to get tickets and that they and the children will be arriving at O’Hare the day after tomorrow. “Benny told me that you don’t want to talk about it on the telephone, but promise me that you won’t do anything until we both get there.”

Morris promises.

After hanging up from his daughter, Morris turns to his wife and says, “Well, it worked this time, they’re coming for Seder night, but we are going to have to come up with a new idea to get them here for Rosh Hashanah.”

The following was overheard at a recent “high society” party.

“My ancestry goes back all the way to Alexander the Great,” said Christine.

She then turned to Miriam and asked, “How far back does your family go?”

“I don’t know,” replied Miriam, “All of our records were lost in the Flood.”

Morris says to his teenage daughter, “There are two words I’d like you to drop from your vocabulary One is ‘awesome’ and the other is ‘gross.’”

“OK,” she replies, “what are they?”

Little Moshe asks his father, “Dad, where do clouds come from?” His father replies, “Good question, son. I wish I knew that myself.” Moshe then asks, “Dad, how does rain come out of the clouds?” His father replies, “Interesting question, son. I must look that up later on.”

Moshe then asks, “When lightning happens, Dad, why does it always come before the thunder?”

His father replies, “I used to know that, son, but I’ve forgotten the answer.”

Then little Moshe asks, “Do you mind me asking you all these questions, Dad?”

His father replies, “No, of course not son. If you don’t ask, you don’t learn!”

Little Benny and little Sarah are at school. One day during lunch, Sarah says, “Benny, do you want to play mommies and daddies with me?"

Benny replies, “OK. What do you want me to do?”

“I want you to communicate your thoughts,” she says.

“Communicate my thoughts?” says Benny, “I have no idea what that means.”

Sarah instantly smirks and with a knowing look says, “That’s fine, then. You can be the daddy.”

Harry and his neighbor Joe often borrowed things from each other. One day, Harry asked to borrow Joe’s ladder. Joe said, “Sorry Harry, I’ve lent it to my son.”

Remembering an old saying that his grandma often used to tell him, Harry said, “Joe, you should never lend anything to your children because you’ll never get it back.”

Joe replied, “Don’t worry, it’s not my ladder. It’s my dad’s.”

Jacob was an uneducated but hard-working immigrant who wanted a better future for his only son, David. He scrimped and saved for David’s college education. In return, David worked hard and got accepted at a small university far from home. Every month, David received a check from his father for his living expenses and every month the check was attached to a piece of paper with the letters “FUF” written on it. It regularly puzzled David, but he cashed the checks anyway and went about his studies. Finally Passover came and David was able to travel home.

As he sat with his father after the Seder, David said, “Dad, I want you to know how much I love you and how much I appreciate everything you’re doing for me. I really couldn’t get by without the check you send me every month. But I must ask, what does it mean when you write ‘FUF?’”

His father replied,
“Oy,
some scholar you’re not. ‘FUF’ means ‘From U Fadder.’”

Maurice and Sarah were Bostonians and were blessed with seven healthy children. After many months of discussion, they finally decided to move to New York. It should have been a simple enough move, but when they arrived, they had great difficulty finding a suitable apartment to live in. Although many were big enough, the landlords always seemed to object to such a large family living there. If only Maurice wasn’t so honest about the size of his family! After several days of unsuccessful searching, Maurice had an idea. He told Sarah to take the four younger children to visit the local cemetery while he went with the older three children to find an apartment. After looking for most of the morning, Maurice found a place that was ideal.

The landlord asked him, “How many children do you have?”

Maurice answered with a deep sigh, “Seven—but four are with their dear mother in the cemetery.”

He got the apartment!

Abe, an elderly gentleman, was sitting on a bench when a priest sat down next to him. Because he had never had a chance to talk to a priest before, Abe asked, “Excuse me, but vhy do you hev your shoyt collar on beckvurds?”

The priest replied, “I wear this collar because I am a Father.”

Abe said, “I am also a fadder but I vare my collar frontvays. So, vhy do you vare your collar differently?”

The priest replied, “Because I’m the Father for many.”

“I am also the fadder for many,” said Abe. “I have five sons, three daughters and many grandchildren, but I still vare my collar like normal. So vhy do you vare it yore vay?”