Oy!: The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes (17 page)

Five-year-old Emma was sitting on her grandfather David’s lap as he read her a bedtime story. From time to time, Emma would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch David’s wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally Emma spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?"

“Yes, darling,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.”

“Oh,” she paused, “Grandpa, did God make me too?”

“Yes, indeed,
bubbeleh”
he said, “God made you just a little while ago.”

Feeling their respective faces again, Emma observed, “God’s getting better at it, isn’t he?”

Rachel and Esther meet for the first time in fifty years since high school.

Rachel begins to tell Esther about her children. “My son is a doctor and he’s got four kids. My daughter is married to a lawyer and they have three great kids. So tell me Esther, how about your kids?”

Esther replies, “Unfortunately, Morty and I don’t have any children and so we have no grandchildren either.”

Rachel says, “No children? And no grandkids? So tell me, Esther, what do you do for aggravation?”

Fay is wheeling her granddaughter in a shopping cart when Rivkah stops her and says, “What a beautiful grandchild, Fay.”

“Ach, Rivkah, this is nothing,” says Fay, “you should see the photos.”

Talmud according to your grandmother:

The optimist sees the bagel, the pessimist sees the hole.

If you can’t say something nice, say it in Yiddish.

If it tastes good, it’s probably not kosher.

No one looks good in a
yarmulka.

Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?

Twenty percent off is a bargain; fifty percent off is a
mitzvah.

Israel is the land of milk and honey, Queens is the land of Milk of Magnesia.

Never pay retail.

It’s always a bad hair day if you’re bald.

No one leaves a Jewish celebration hungry; but then, no one leaves with a hangover.

Wine needs to breathe so don’t rush through the Kiddush.

Next year in Jerusalem. The year after that, how about a nice cruise?

The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.

And what’s so wrong with dry turkey?

Always whisper the names of diseases.

One
mitzvah
can change the world; two will just make you tired.

If you don’t eat, it will kill me.

Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.

Where there’s smoke, there may be smoked salmon.

Never take a front-row seat at a
bris.

Never leave a restaurant empty-handed.

A bad matzo ball makes a good paperweight.

A
shmatta
is a dress that your husband’s ex is wearing.

Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?

Before you read the menu, read the prices.

There comes a time in every man’s life when he must stand up and tell his mother he’s an adult. This usually happens at around forty-five.

According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants.

Tsouris
is a Yiddish word that means your child is marrying someone who isn’t Jewish.

If you’re going to whisper at the movies, make sure it’s loud enough for everyone to hear.

If you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it. But if you can afford it, make sure you tell everybody what you paid.

It was Benny’s third birthday party and he was having a lovely time. Soon it was time to open his presents. One was from his grandma Freda and in it he discovered a water pistol. He jumped up and down with delight and then ran to the nearest sink to fill it up.

But his mother was not so pleased. She turned to Freda and said, “I’m surprised at you, Mom. Don’t you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water pistols when we were young?”

Grandma Freda smiled and then replied, “I remember. Of course I remember.”

My Grandpa was very religious. He prayed three times a day and put on his
tejillin
every morning. One night, he heard a noise downstairs and having no fear for his safety went downstairs to see what it was. It was a burglar and he was putting my Grandpa’s silver cutlery, wine goblets and candlesticks into a bag. This made my Grandpa very angry and he shouted at him to stop. He then tried to take the bag away but when he reached for it, the burglar pulled a knife out of the bag and was just about to stab my Grandpa when all of a sudden, my Grandpa screamed out
“Nisht mit der milchidic messer!”
(Not with the dairy knife!)

Rebecca is fifteen years old and tonight she has a date. When she finishes dressing, she comes downstairs and shocks her
bubbeh
because Rebecca is wearing a see-through blouse and she’s clearly not wearing anything underneath it. Her
bubbeh
shouts at her and tells her she mustn’t go out undressed like that. She looks like a tart. But Rebecca walks out the door anyway, saying,
“Bubbeh,
this is the twenty-first century, everybody lets their rosebuds show.”

The next day, when Rebecca comes home from school, there is her
bubbeh
sitting in the lounge wearing no top. Rebecca is very embarrassed and says,
“Bubbeh,
I have friends coming over and it’s not appropriate for you to—”

Her
bubbeh
interrupts and says, “Loosen up, Rebecca, this is the twenty-first century If you can display your rosebuds, then I can certainly display my hanging baskets.”

Manny goes into a restaurant and orders fried haddock. The waiter serves him a nice size piece of fish. As he’s walking away the waiter overhears Manny talking to the fish. Soon Manny is deep in conversation with his lunch.

“What on earth are you doing?” says the waiter. “Do you want to eat it or marry it?”

Manny replies, “We’re just
schmoozing.
It seems that the fish is from Cape Cod. I used to live there and I was asking the fish how things are back in my old home town.”

“What did he say?” asks the waiter.

“He said, ‘How should I know? I haven’t been there in years!’ ”

Freda had just finished her fish dinner. She was not at all happy with it, however, so she called over the waiter.

“I’ve tasted fresher fish,” said Freda.

“Not in here,” replied the waiter.

Two Jewish students were living together in the Bronx and they always shared the cooking of the evening meal. One day, when Sam came home, he did not find a hot meal waiting for them, only sandwiches. So he asked Moshe, “What’s with the cheese sandwiches? You promised to cook us roast beef for tonight.”

Moshe replies, “I did! But the roast beef caught fire and it spread to the vegetables so I had to put it out with the chicken soup.”

Abe goes to a restaurant every day for lunch. He always orders the
soupe du jour.
One day the manager asks him how he liked his meal. Abe replies (with Yiddish accent) “Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread.”

The next day, the manager tells the waitress to give him four slices of bread. “How was your meal, sir?” the manager asks. “Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread.”

Next day, the manager tells the waitress to give him eight slices of bread. “How was your meal today, sir?” the manager asks. “Wass goot, but you could give a little more bread.”

The manager is now obsessed with hearing Abe say that he enjoyed his meal, so he goes to the bakery and orders a six-foot long French loaf. When Abe comes in as usual the next day, the waitress and the manager cut the loaf in half, butter the entire length of each half and lay it out along the counter, right next to his bowl of soup. Abbe sits down, and devours both his bowl of soup and both halves of the six-foot loaf of bread. The manager now thinks he will get the answer he is looking for. When Abe comes up to pay for his meal, the manager asks in the usual way:

How was your meal today, sir?"

Abe replies “It wass goot as usual but I see you are back to giving only two slices of bread!”

Abe was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a two-star Michelin restaurant. Every day for lunch, Abe would eat his black bread and herring in the small garden at the back of his shop. He would always smell the wonderful odors emanating from the next door restaurant’s kitchen. One day, the restaurant sent Abe an invoice. Abe went to see the manager to ask why.

The manager replied, “You’re enjoying my food, so you should pay for it.”

Abe refused to pay and the restaurant sued him. At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the story.

They said, “Every day, this man comes and sits near our kitchen and visibly smells our food while eating his. We are obviously adding value to his cheap food and we deserve to be recompensed for it.”

The judge then asked Abe, “And what do you have to say about that?” Abe said nothing but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled around the coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, “What’s the meaning of that?”

Abe replied, “I am paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money.”

One morning, Shlomo and Sadie decided to go out for breakfast. The waitress at The Almond Tree told them that the special that morning was two eggs, tomatoes, mushrooms, hash browns and toast for $3.99.

“That sounds good,” said Sadie, “but I don’t want the eggs.”

“OK,” said the waitress, but I will then have to charge you $4.50.”

“Why?” asked Shlomo. “It doesn’t make sense.

“Because you will then in effect be ordering
a la carte”
the waitress replied.

“Do you mean I’ll have to pay for not taking the eggs?” Sadie asked.

“Yes,” replied the waitress.

“OK then, I’ll take the special,” says Sadie.

“How do you want your eggs done?” asked the waitress.

“Raw and in the shell,” Sadie replied.

At the end of the meal, Sadie took the two eggs home.

Freda and Moshe won $10 million in the lottery. They immediately went out to begin a life of living in luxury. They bought a luxurious mansion in Greenwich, surrounded themselves with all the material wealth imaginable and decided to hire a butler. After much searching, they found the perfect one.

One day, they instructed the butler to set up a dinner for four because they were inviting their friends, the Cohens, over for dinner and they themselves would be going out for the day. When they returned that evening, they found the table set for six. When they asked the butler why six places were set when they specifically instructed him to set the table for four, the butler replied: “The Cohens called and said that they were bringing the Bagels.”

Q: What do you call the steaks ordered by ten Jewish men?

A: Fillet
minyan.

Q: What kind of cheese melts on a piece of matzo to make a Passover pizza?

A: Matzarella

Q: Why do Jewish women enjoy Chinese food so much?

A: Won Ton spelled backward is “Not Now.”

Q: How can you tell the gefilte fish from all the other fish in the sea?

A: It’s the one swimming around with the little slice of carrot on its back.

Rabbi Landau has always been secretly sad that he’s never been able to eat pork. So one day, he flies to a remote tropical island and books into a hotel. “No one will find me here,” he says to himself. On the first evening, he goes to the best restaurant and orders the “roast pork special.” While he’s waiting, he hears someone call his name.

Rabbi Landau looks up and sees one of his congregants walking toward his table.

What unbelievably bad luck—they both had to visit the same restaurant on the same island at the same time! Just at that moment, the waiter puts on his table a whole roasted pig with an apple in its mouth and says, “Your special, sir.”