Oy!: The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes (26 page)

“Of course,” said the technician, “what color hair did your husband have?”

“When you take the hat off, you’ll see,” she said.

Morris’s local manufacturing business was broken into last night and a large quantity of wigs was stolen. Police are currently combing the area for clues.

A man walks into Moshe’s shoe shop and tries on a pair of shoes. “How do they feel?” asks Moshe.

“Well the left one feels a bit tight,” replies the man.

Moshe looks down at the shoe on the man’s left foot and says, “Try it again, this time with the tongue out.”

“Well, theyth thtill feelth a bith tighth.”

Rivkah goes to the new shopping center in Brookville. It’s unique because it’s only for Jewish women looking for Jewish husbands. Potential husbands are the only goods on display. This is why Rivkah is there. When she enters the building, there is a large sign which says:

THE RULES OF THE BROOKVILLE JEWISH WOMEN’S SHOPPING CENTER

This center is laid out over five floors.

The men here have increasingly better attributes the higher up you go.

You are only allowed in once.

Once you open the door to a floor, you must choose a man from that floor.

If you go up a floor, you can’t go back down except to leave the center.

BEST OF LUCK

Rivkah goes to the first floor. The sign on the door says: “Floor 1: All the men here have jobs, love children and are certainly not lazy.”

Rivkah thinks, “Well, that’s better than not having a job or not loving children, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes to the next floor. The sign says: “Floor 2: All the men on this floor have executive jobs, love children, are certainly not lazy and are extremely good-looking.”

“That’s better,” thinks Rivkah, “but I wonder what’s further upstairs?” Up she goes. The sign says: “Floor 3: All the men on this floor have executive jobs, love children, are certainly not lazy, are extremely good-looking, help with the housework and are not strictly orthodox.”

“Wow,” thinks Rivkah, “Almost perfect and very tempting. But I’ve come this far and there’s more further up!” And so again, up she goes. The sign says: “Floor 4: All the men on this floor have executive jobs, love children, are certainly not lazy, are extremely good-looking, help with the housework, are not strictly orthodox, are very romantic and know how to satisfy their partner.”

“Oy,
wonderful,” she says aloud, “But just think what could be waiting for me upstairs!” So up to the fifth and top floor she goes. The sign here says: “Floor 5: This floor is just to prove that Jewish women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping. Have a nice day.”

Q: Why were Gentiles invented?

A: Somebody has to pay retail.

Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?

A: Because Jewish women won’t touch anything unless it is 20 percent off.

Old Yitzhak is standing in a Moscow street looking through the window of a huge grocery shop. He mutters, “So they have no more beef— and no more lamb—and they don’t even have any pork—or chicken—or sausage. In fact they have no meat at all. Nor do they have any milk or cheese or eggs or flour or—"

Suddenly, a man standing next to Yitzhak hisses in his ear, “Shut up, you stupid Yid. Stop spreading anti-Soviet propaganda or I’ll hit your stupid head with the butt of my gun. Have you understood me?”

“Yes, I understood, I understood you, comrade,” replies Yitzhak and he walks away as fast as he can. When Yitzhak arrives back at his house, he says to his wife, “Leah, I really understood. They don’t have any bullets either!”

Moshe walks into a post office to send a package to his wife. The postmaster says, “This package is too heavy, you’ll need another stamp.”

Moshe replies, “And that should make it lighter?”

Beckie’s grandson and his wife are coming to visit her for the first time. So she is giving him the directions to her apartment. “You come to the front door of the Bayridge block of flats. I am in flat number 32 on the fourteenth floor. At the front door, you’ll see a big panel of buttons. With your elbow push button 32. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the lift is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit fourteen. When you get out, I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell.”

“Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?”

“You’re coming empty-handed?”

Moshe’s mother, Hetty, once gave him two sweaters for Chanukah. The next time Moshe visited his mother, he made sure he was wearing one of them. As he entered her house, instead of the expected smile, Hetty said, “What’s the matter, Moshe? You didn’t like the other one?"

Jeremy asks his wife Naomi what she wants for their fortieth wedding anniversary. “Would you like a new diamond bracelet?” he asks.

“Not really,” says Naomi.

“Well how about a Lexus sports car?” says Jeremy.

“No,” she replies.

“What about a vacation home in Florida?” he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a “No thanks.”

“Well what would you like for your anniversary?” Jeremy asks.

“I’d like a divorce, Jeremy,” answers Naomi.

“Oy,
I wasn’t planning to spend that much!” says Jeremy.

Abe came from a very poor family One Chanukah, his father gave him an empty box and told him it was an Action Man Deserter Kit.

One year, Louis didn’t know what to buy his mother-in-law for her birthday, so he bought her a large plot in Forest Lawn cemetery. The following year, Louis bought her nothing for her birthday and his wife was quick to comment loud and long on his thoughtlessness to her mother.

“So, why didn’t you buy her something?” she snapped at him.

“Well, she hasn’t used the gift I gave her last year,” he replied.

David Levy and a beautiful woman walk into a very posh Manhattan furrier.

“Show the lady your finest mink!” David says.

So the furrier goes into the storeroom and comes out with an absolutely stunning full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier goes over to David and discreetly whispers in his ear, “Ah, sir, that particular fur coat goes for $40,000.”

“No problem! I’ll write you out a check.”

“Very good, sir,” says the furrier. “Today is Friday, you may come by on Tuesday to pick it up after the check has cleared.”

So David and the woman leave.

On Tuesday, David returns to the shop, on his own. The furrier is outraged to see him.

“How dare you show your face in here? There wasn’t a single penny in your bank account.”

“I just had to come by,” grins David, “to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life.”

Maurice, age 92, has just asked Sarah, age 89, to marry him and she has accepted.
Mazeltov!
They are both very excited and decide to go for a walk so that they can discuss the wedding arrangements. On their walk they pass a large drugstore and decide to go in. Maurice asks to see the owner.

When a young man comes up to them, Maurice asks, “Are you the owner?”

“Yes I am,” says the man, “how can I help?”

“We’re about to get married,” says Maurice. “Do you sell heart medication?”

“Of course we do,” replies the owner.

“How about medicine for improving circulation?” asks Maurice.

“We stock all kinds, sir.”

“What about remedies for rheumatic conditions?” asks Sarah.

“Yes, no problem, madam.”

Maurice then asks, sheepishly, “Do you stock that Viagra, then?”

“Of course, sir.”

Sarah then asks, “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, antidotes for Parkinson’s, medicine for memory problems, arthritis and jaundice?”

“Yes, we stock a large variety of all of these. The works, madam.”

Maurice then asks, “Do you sell wheelchairs and walkers?”

“Our speciality. We have many sizes and all speeds.”

Maurice finally says to the owner, “OK. We’d like to set up our wedding registry here, please.”

Shlomo was driving home one evening when he suddenly remembered that it was his daughter’s birthday and he hadn’t bought her a present. So he drove to the mall and ran all the way to the toyshop. “How much is the latest Barbie doll?” he asked the manager.

The manager replied, “Which one? We have ‘Barbie goes to the Gym’ for $17.99, ‘Barbie goes to the Dance’ for $16.99, ‘Barbie goes to the Shops’ for $15.99, ‘Barbie goes to the Seaside’ for $18.99, and ‘Barbie goes to the Bar Mitzvah’ for $19.99. We also have ‘Divorced Barbie’ for $350.”

Shlomo was confused and asked the manager, “Why does ‘Divorced Barbie’ cost $350 when all the others are less than $20?”

“It’s simple,” replied the manager, “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s car, Ken’s House, Ken’s boat, Ken’s dog, Ken’s cat and Ken’s furniture.”

Abe was well known for his meanness and his “eye for a bargain.” One day he was looking for a cheap wedding present for his niece, so he went into a gift shop. As he was walking around, he noticed what was previously an expensive glass crystal vase lying in the corner. It was in three pieces. After some haggling with the owner, Abe bought the broken vase for $1. He then filled in the congratulations card, wrote out his niece’s name and address and gave the owner a further $10 so that the broken vase could be gift wrapped and posted. Abe then left the shop feeling quite pleased with himself. He expected his niece to think the vase had broken in the mail.

A few days later, he rang his niece to see if the present had arrived.

“Yes, Uncle Abe, but unfortunately, it was in three pieces when it was delivered.”

“What terrible luck.” said Abe, “The postal service is getting worse all the time.”

“It’s a shame,” she replied. “It was so beautifully wrapped. Each piece separately.”