Oy!: The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes (28 page)

Bernie was a very wealthy man indeed. One day in June, he went on vacation with his latest, much younger girlfriend, Sarah. As the days in the sun wore on, Bernie and Sarah began to talk about the differences in their ages and interests between them. Bernie took this opportunity to ask Sarah what was, to him, an important question. He asked, “If I lost everything, all my money, my mansion, my Rolls Royce, tomorrow, would you still love me, Sarah?"

“Yes, darling,” said Sarah, “and I’d miss you too.”

Shirley sat next to Hetty, a middle-aged lady, in
shul
one Shabbes. She couldn’t help but notice Hetty’s wonderful, huge diamond ring on her wedding finger. Shirley sat there staring at it but couldn’t hold out any longer and said to Hetty, “I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but I just have to let you know that I think that your ring is the most beautiful ring I have ever seen.”

“Oy Vay,”
said Hetty. “Thank you for saying that. This definitely is a beautiful diamond ring, but unfortunately, it has a curse as well.”

“What do you mean?” said Shirley.

Hetty replied, “Don’t you know that this is the Katz diamond?”

Shirley replied, “The Katz diamond?”

“Yes, the Katz diamond, and the Katz diamond has a curse.”

“But whatever is this curse?” asked Shirley.

“Mr. Katz.”

Morris had become a multi-millionaire during his successful working life. When he retired, he bought himself the largest and most expensive mansion in New York that money could buy. Then he invited some friends to a house-warming party.

The day came and he naturally took them on a tour around his enormous home.

When they reached the dining-room, there was a gasp of amazement— the room was so large that they could hardly see the other end clearly. Morris proudly pointed to the exquisitely carved and polished mahogany table that ran from one end of the room all the way to the other and said, “In this room, I can entertain as many as a hundred and twenty-five people— God forbid.”

when Sadie’s husband dies, she has only $25,000 to her name. After all the expenses are paid, she tells her closest friend Ruth that she has no money left.

Ruth says, “How can that be, Sadie? You told me you had $25,000 just a few days before Maurice died. How can you now be broke?”

Sadie replies, “Well to tell you the truth, Maurice and I were not paid up members of any synagogue. So the funeral cost me $5,000, the hospital bill came to $3,000 and of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the synagogue, another $3,000. All the rest went on the memorial stone.”

Ruth does some silent calculating and then says, “$14,000 for the memorial stone? My God, Sadie, how big was it?”

Extending her left hand, Sadie replies, “Three and a half carats.”

Beckie was very rich. One day she telephoned a famous young artist and said she wanted to commission him to paint her. He said his fee would be $10,000, which she immediately accepted. When she arrived at his studio for the first sitting, she gave him a check for $15,000. The artist was very surprised and asked what the extra money was for.

“I want you to paint me in the nude,” she said, “Do you have any objections?”

“Not for $15,000 I don’t. But I would have to keep my socks on. I must have somewhere to put my brushes.”

Morris gets a new dog and can’t wait to show him off to Shlomo. So when Shlomo arrives, Morris calls the dog into the house, bragging about how smart he is. The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging furiously, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation.

Morris points to the newspaper on the couch and commands, “FETCH!”

Immediately, the dog climbs onto the couch and sits down. His tail wagging stops and the doggie-smile disappears. Looking balefully up at his master, the dog says in a whiny voice, “You think this is easy wagging my tail all the time?
Oy Vay.
It hurts from so much wagging. And do you think that expensive organic dog food you’re feeding me is tasty? You try it. It’s rubbish—much too salty. And you just don’t seem to care about me anymore. You just push me out the door to take a leak three times a day. I can’t remember the last time you took me out for a walk.”

Shlomo is amazed. “What the hell is that? Your dog is sitting there talking.”

“Oh, I know,” explains Morris, “He’s young and I’m still training him. He thought I said
FETCH."

Q: How do you know when a Jewish dog is fully mature?

A: He has a Bark Mitzvah!

Solly took his happy little King Charles Spaniel dog to the vet. “Dr. Cohen,” he said sadly, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to cut off my dog’s tail.”

Dr. Cohen stepped back in shock, “Solly, why should I do such a terrible thing?”

“My mother-in-law’s arriving tomorrow, and I don’t want anything to make her think she’s welcome.”

Sidney loved dogs. He thought nothing of approaching any breed of dog, no matter how7 vicious a reputation it had. One day, however, he tried to stroke a Rottweiler and it attacked him. So serious was the attack that Sidney died of the injuries he sustained.

If you ever come across Sidney’s grave, you will find these words inscribed on his headstone: “HE HAD NO MAZEL.”

Benny’s dog has died and he goes to see his rabbi. “Rabbi, I wonder whether you could find the time to say a special blessing at my dog’s grave?"

The rabbi replies, “I’m afraid it isn’t possible, Benny. In fact, the rules don’t really make any allowance for animals.”

Benny says, “But I’m really upset, rabbi.”

“So maybe you should go to see the Reform rabbi down the road,” says the rabbi.

As Benny walks away dejectedly, he turns to the rabbi and says, “What a shame. I was willing to donate $1,000 for such a service.”

At which point the rabbi shouts, “Come back, come back.”

Benny turns round and says, “I thought you couldn’t help me.”

“Ah,” says the rabbi, “but you didn’t tell me your dog was Orthodox.”

Arnold and Abe are walking their dogs past the synagogue one Saturday morning.

Arnold says, “Lets go in. I hear they have really nice chopped liver at the Kiddush on Shabbes.”

Abe says, “They will never let us in with the dogs.”

“Just follow my lead,” says Arnold and goes into the synagogue.

As he thought, the
shammes
tells him, “No dogs are allowed.”

Arnold says, “But it’s my seeing-eye dog.”

The
shammes
says, “Sorry, I didn’t know. OK, you can go in.”

Abe follows.

Again the
shammes
says, “No dogs are allowed.”

Abe says, “But it’s my seeing-eye dog.”

The
shammes
says, “This is your seeing-eye dog? A chihuahua!”

Abe looks startled and says, “Is that what they gave me?”

Hymie walks into his synagogue with a dog. The
shammes
immediately comes up to him and says, “This is a House of Worship, Hymie, you know you can’t bring a dog in here.”

“What do you mean I can’t?” says Hymie, “Look at him, he’s a Jewish dog.”

The
shammes
then notices that the dog has a
tallis
bag round its neck.

Hymie then says to the dog, “Benjamin,
daven
for me.”

The dog stands on his back legs and says, “Woof, woof, woof,” then opens the
tallis
bag, takes out a
kippa
and puts it on his head, exactly in between its ears.

“Woof, woof,” says the dog who then pulls out a
tallis
and puts it round his neck.

“Woof, woof, woof,” says the dog who then takes out a
siddur
and starts to pray, rocking from side to side.

“That’s brilliant,” says the
shammes,
“totally incredible. You must get him on TV and the movies and you could make millions.”

“You speak to him, then,” says Hymie. “He wants to be a doctor.”

And Adam said, “Oh Lord, you do not visit me anymore in the garden. I am lonely here and it’s getting hard for me to remember how much you love me.”

And God said, “OK, I will create for you a companion who will be a reflection of my love for you and you will then know that I love you at all times. Regardless of how childish, selfish and unlovable you are, your companion will always accept and love you.”

And God created a new animal for Adam and God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and wagged his tail.

And Adam said, “Oh Lord, I can’t think
of
a name for this new animal. All the good names in the animal kingdom have already been assigned.”

And God said, “OK, because I created this animal, his name will be a reflection of mine and you will call him Dog.”

And Dog lived with Adam and was a good companion and loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

Later, it came to pass that Adam’s guardian angel came to the Lord and said, “Oh Lord, Adam now struts around like a peacock and believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but no one has taught Adam humility.”

And the Lord said, “OK, I will create another companion for Adam who will see him as he is. And this companion will remind him of his limitations and he will soon know that he is not worthy of adoration.” And God created Cat. And Cat would not obey Adam. When Adam gazed into Cat’s eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Cat did not care one way or the other.