Oy!: The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes (27 page)

On his wedding day, Shlomo’s father-in-law Louis came up to him and said, “I’m a wealthy man, as you know, and for your wedding present I’ve decided to make you a partner in my business. All I need to know from you now is what department you would like to start work in. What about Accounts?"

“Me, in Accounts?” said Shlomo, “why I can’t even add two figures together.”

“All right then, what about IT?”

“What do I know about IT?” said Shlomo, “for years I thought PC stood for politically correct.”

Louis was confused. “OK, what about joining the sales team?”

“Look dad, I have a much better idea. How about you buying me out?”

Avrahom walks into Macy’s department store and goes straight to the perfume department. He says to an assistant, “Today is my wife Sharon’s birthday and I would like to buy her a nice bottle of French perfume.

The assistant says, "That will be a nice surprise for her.”

Avrahom replies, “It sure will—she’s expecting a diamond necklace.”

Moshe was passing by a florist when he saw a sign in the window saying, “Say It With Flowers.” He went into the shop and said to the assistant, “Wrap up one rose for me.”

“Only one?” the assistant asked.

“Just one,” replied Moshe. “I’m a man of few words.”

Three sons left Israel and went to live in the U.S., where they prospered. One day, they met and discussed the gifts they had been able to give their old mother.

David said, “I built a big house for mom.”

Henry said, “I sent her a Lexus—with a driver.”

Alan said, “You remember how mom enjoys reading the Bible? Because she can no longer see very well, I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the whole Bible. All mom has to do is name the chapter and verse.”

Soon afterward, a letter of thanks came from their mother.

“David, the house you built is so huge. I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Henry, I am too old to travel. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Lexus, and that driver is a fidget—he’s a pain in the
todies.
But Alan, the chicken was delicious.”

Sadie is visiting her best friend Rose one afternoon for tea and notices a lovely vase of fresh flowers in the kitchen. “Oh, Rose,” says Sadie, “what amazing flowers.”

“Yes, they are nice, aren’t they,” said Rose. “I get sent flowers every week.”

“So where do you get them from? Tell me, are you having an affair?”

“Don’t be silly Sadie, of course not. My husband sends them to me.”

“What on earth do you have to do for them?”

“Do for them?” replied Rose. “I have to spend my life on my back with my legs in the air, that’s what.”

“Why,” asks Sadie, “don’t you have a vase?”

Moshe is shouting at his wife, Beckie. “Oh
no,
not another new dress and accessories. Just where do you think I am going to get the money to pay for it all?"

Beckie replies, “I may be a lot of different things to many people, but I’m certainly not inquisitive!”

“Moshe, will you still love me when my hair is gray?” asks Yente.

“Of course,” says Moshe. “I’ve loved you through blonde, brunette, red and every other color. Why not gray?”

Sarah and Suzy have been married to their husbands for many years and are the best of friends. Sarah doesn’t think her husband finds her attractive anymore.

“As I get older he doesn’t even bother to look at me!” says Sarah.

“It’s the opposite for me,” replies Suzy. “As I get older, my husband says I get even more beautiful every day”

“But that’s because your husband is an antique dealer!”

Q. What’s the name of a face lotion developed for Jewish women?

A. Oil of
Oy Vay.

Q. What does Sadie do to keep her hands soft and her nails so long and beautiful?

A. Nothing, nothing at all.

One day, Benjy comes home from school, goes straight to his father and asks, “What is fornication, Dad?"

And he gets the answer all Jewish fathers give—“Why don’t you ask your mother, son?”

So Benjy goes into the kitchen and asks his mother, “What is fornication, Mom? Dad said you would know.”

His mother replies, “I’m busy right now, Benjy, why don’t you go and ask your
bubbeh,
she will tell you.”

So Benjy goes upstairs to his
bubbelh’s
room, knocks on her door and shouts, “Please,
Bubbeh,
what is fornication? No one here seems to know.”

Bubbeh
says, “Come inside, darling,”

She then takes him to her wardrobe, opens the door, takes out a beautiful full-length pink beaded evening dress and says, “This, my darling, is foranoccasion.”

Moshe telephoned his wife Sadie. “Sadie, darling, I’ve got some good news. You know that Lloyd Webber musical you’ve always wanted to see?”

“Yes.”

“Well, I’ve just bought us two tickets to see it.”

“Oh Moshe, that’s marvelous. I’ll start dressing immediately.”

“Sadie, that’s just what I wanted to hear you say. The tickets are for tomorrow night’s performance.”

Benjamin was talking to his friend Isaac. “Do you know; Isaac, that I married my Hetty for her looks, but not the ones she’s been giving me lately! Ever since we got married, she has tried to change me. She got me to exercise daily, improve my diet, and to stop smoking. She taught me how to dress well and enjoy the fine arts. She introduced me to gourmet cooking, classical music and she taught me how to invest in the stock market. But between you and me, Isaac, I am now thinking of divorcing her. I’m already such a better person that she just isn’t good enough for me anymore.”

A Catholic woman, a Protestant woman and Hetty die and go to heaven. St. Peter meets them at the gate to heaven.

The Catholic woman says, “I’ve been a good wife and mother, I took good care of my family and I want to go to heaven.” St. Peter tells her to go to the left.

The Protestant woman says, “I’ve been a good woman. I kept my house clean and cooked and took care of my family, and went to church every Sunday.” St. Peter tells her to step to the left.

Hetty tells St. Peter, “I’ve been a good woman, I made Shabbes every Friday, I went to the synagogue on the holidays and took care of my family.” St. Peter tells Hetty to step to the right.

Hetty immediately asks him, “Why did you tell me to go to the right and you told the other two women to go to the left?”

St. Peter replies, “Don’t you want to go to the beauty salon first?”

Shlomo and Yetta are getting ready to go out to dinner.

Yetta comes out of the bedroom and says to Shlomo, “Darling, do you want me to wear this Chanel suit or shall I put on the Gucci outfit?”

“What do I care?” Shlomo replies.

Yetta then asks, “Darling, shall I wear my Rolex or my Cartier watch?”

“Who gives a damn?” says Shlomo.

Yetta then says to Shlomo, “Darling, shall I wear my five-carat pear or my six-carat round diamond?”

To which Shlomo responds, “Hey, if you don’t get your act together, and soon, we are going to miss the Early Bird Special at Benjy’s Fish restaurant.”