Oy!: The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes (21 page)

A beggar knocked on the door of a house in Mineola. “What do you want?” said the owner.

“Can you spare some money to help a poor person?” said the beggar.

But as soon he was given a few coins and told to go on his way, the beggar complained, “Your son gave me twice as much when I called here last week.”

“Well, my son can afford to,” said the owner, “he has a very rich father.”

One afternoon, Maurice, a wealthy lawyer, was driving his Rolls Royce when he passed two poor looking men by the side of the road eating grass. Maurice quickly stopped his car, backed up to the men, wound down his window and asked, “What on earth are you two doing?"

“I’m starving, I have nowhere to live and I don’t have any money to buy food,” said one of them.

“You can come with me to my house, then,” said Maurice.

“But I’ve got a wife and three kids just up the road.”

“So we’ll bring them along, too,” replied Maurice.

“And what about my friend?”

Maurice turned to the other man and said, “You can come with us, too.”

“But, sir,” said the friend, “I’ve got a wife and six children just up the road.”

“OK. So we’ll bring them as well,” said Maurice. “Now get in my car, both of you.”

Soon, everyone had been picked up. They had been traveling for only a few minutes when one of the men said to Maurice, “You’re very kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

Maurice replied, “I’m happy to be able to do it. And you’ll love my place—the grass is almost a foot tall.”

It’s 3 a.m. and Maurice and Golda are woken up by a loud banging on their front door. Maurice gets up and opens the door to a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain. “Can I have a push?” says the drunk.

“No you can’t,” says Maurice, “it’s three o’clock in the morning. Please go away, you’ll wake the children.”

Maurice shuts the door and goes back to bed.

“Who was that?” asks Golda.

“Just some drunk, dear, asking for a push,” Maurice replies.

“So did you help him?” Golda asks.

“No I didn’t. It’s 3 a.m. and it’s pouring rain,” replies Maurice.

Golda says, “Shame on you, Maurice. Have you already forgotten when our car broke down about six months ago and those two men helped us? I think you should help the man outside.”

So Maurice reluctantly does as he is told. He gets dressed, goes out into the pouring rain and calls out, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” Maurice shouts.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“So where are you?” asks Maurice.

“Over here on the swing,” replies the drunk.

Hetty, a little old lady, gets onto a crowded bus in Brooklyn Heights in the middle of a heat-wave and stands in front of a seated young girl. Holding her hand to her chest, Hetty says to the girl, “If you knew what I have, you would give me your seat.”

The girl gets up and gives up the seat to Hetty. The girl then takes out a fan and starts to fan herself Hetty looks up and says, “If you knew what I have, you would give me that fan.”

The girl gives Hetty her fan.

A short while later, Hetty gets up and says to the driver, “Stop, I want to get off here.”

The driver tells her he has to drop her at the next bus stop, not in the middle of the road. Her hand across her chest, Hetty tells the driver, “If you knew what I have, you would let me out here.”

The driver pulls over and lets Hetty out. As she’s walking out of the bus, he asks, “Madam, what is it that you have?”

“Chutzpah
,” Hetty replies.

Jewish women’s rules:

The female always makes the rules.

The rules are subject to change at any time without prior notification.

No male can possibly know all the rules.

If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she must immediately change some or all of the rules.

The female is never wrong.

If the female is wrong, it is due to a misunderstanding, which was a direct result of something the male did or said wrongly.

If the above applies, the male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

An apology without flowers is not an apology.

The female may change her mind at any time.

The male must never change his mind at any time without the express consent of the female.

The male may not point out that the woman has changed her mind.

The female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

The male must remain calm at all times, unless the female wants him to be angry or upset.

The female must, under no circumstances, let the male know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.

The female is ready when she is ready

The male must be ready at all times.

If the female has PMS, all rules are null and void.

The male may not inquire if the woman is angry or upset.

The male may not inquire when the woman will be ready.

The male may not inquire about the woman’s time of the month.

The male is expected to mind-read at all times.

The male must earn the respect of the woman by giving his life up in service to her needs and nurturing of her character.

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding at the Hilton. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect Lexus car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. To their surprise, there stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Although Jewish, they did not want to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, no matter what their religion. So the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their car and soon they were driving along delivering toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had a bad accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

The mind-numbing question is: who was the survivor?

The perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

Women: stop reading here. This is the end of the joke.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. And that explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you’re a woman and you’re reading this, this illustrates another point: Women never do what they are told.

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength to cross this river.” Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, but only after almost drowning a couple of times.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river.”

Poof! God gave him a rowing boat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, but only after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength and the tools and the intelligence to cross this river.”

And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

Ask any man and he will tell you that any woman’s ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once. While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in the Jewish version of this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

Avrahom was reading an article out loud to his wife. “Did you know that women use about thirty thousand words a day, whereas men only use fifteen thousand words?"

Sadie replies, “The reason has to be because a woman has to say everything twice.”

Avrahom turns to Sadie and asks, “What?”

Jewish men’s rules:

Birthdays and anniversaries should not be challenges to see if we can again find the perfect present for you.

Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

Sunday is sports day It’s like gravity or a full moon. Let it be.

Just ask for what you want. Let’s be clear on this. Subtle hints don’t work. Nor do strong or even obvious hints. So just simply tell us what you want.

We don’t remember dates. So write birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar and remind us frequently before the event.

Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl now, so if it’s up, don’t moan, just put it down. We need it up and you never hear us complaining when you leave it down.

Shopping is not a sport and we are never, ever going to think of it as such.

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to most questions.

Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.

Only come to us with a problem if you really want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends do.

Anything we said over three months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

In fact, all comments become null and void after seven days.

If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We won’t answer.

Most men own at most three pairs of shoes. So what makes you think we’re any good at helping you decide which pair of your shoes, out of forty, goes best with your dress?

If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

Men see in only sixteen colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color and we have no idea what mauve is.

We are not mind-readers and never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you. If you ask a question to which you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

When we have to go out somewhere, anything you wear is fine. Really.

If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle. Let us ogle. If we don’t look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.

You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done—not both.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercials.

Women who wear Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing on to the motorway exit, your saying “This is our exit” is not necessary.

Don’t fake it. We’d rather be ineffectual than deceived.

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.