Oy!: The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes (24 page)

Shlomo and Sidney are walking home late one night when they see a crowd of drunken hoodlums coming toward them.

“Sidney,” says Shlomo, “do you know that $500 you lent me recently?”

“Yes,” replied Sidney.

“Well,” said Shlomo, “here, you can have it back now.”

Moshe and his Scotsman friend enter a bar with a group of their friends. Soon everyone is eating and drinking like it’s going out of style. Eventually, it comes time to pay the bill.

“I’ll pay!” shouts McTavish, and with a scowl, pays the bill.

The next day, the headline in
The Times
reads, “Jewish ventriloquist found murdered in alley.”

Helen and Issy were having a hard time financially and needed to keep their spending to a minimum. To keep her household account as low as she could, Helen decided not to have her dress dry-cleaned. Instead, she washed it by hand. When Issy returned from work, Helen proudly told him of her idea to save money.

She said, “Just think, Issy, we are $3 richer because I washed this dress by hand.”

“Great,” Issy quickly replied. “Wash it again!”

Moshe was 88 years old and went to see his financial adviser. “So what do you think is an appropriate investment for me?” asked Moshe.

“Well,” replied the adviser, “I have found a terrific investment that will double your money in five years.”

“Are you crazy?” said Moshe, “A five-year investment? Why, at my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.”

Maurice and Sadie were having a heated discussion about family finances. Finally Maurice exploded, “If it weren’t for my money, this house wouldn’t be here.”

Sadie replied, “Darling, if it weren’t for your money, I wouldn’t be here.”

Moshe goes to the mall with his ten-year-old son, Paul. Paul is flicking a quarter up in the air with his thumb and each time catching it between his teeth. But then someone bumps into Paul and the coin goes straight down his throat. Paul starts to choke and soon begins to turn blue. Moshe starts to panic and shouts and screams for someone to help him. An ordinary looking man in a blue suit is sitting on a bench drinking coffee and reading his newspaper. He puts down his cup and paper, gets up and walks toward Paul, who is now close to collapse. When he gets to him, the man takes hold of Paul’s testicles and squeezes them gently but firmly. Right away, Paul coughs up the coin into the man’s free hand. The man gives the coin to Moshe and walks back to his bench to finish off his coffee. Not a word is said during this event.

Moshe is overwhelmed with gratitude and quickly goes over to the man to thank him. The man looks embarrassed and tells Moshe he doesn’t have to thank him. But Moshe says, “You’re a hero. I’ve never heard of anyone doing what you just did—it was pure magic. What are you, a doctor?”

“Oh, no,” the man replies, “I work for the IRS.”

Shlomo was a miser and his friend Isaac knew this. One evening, Shlomo and Isaac went out for a meal with their girlfriends. At the end of the meal, Isaac overheard Shlomo say to his girl, “Marry me, darling, and I’ll buy you the sun, the moon and the stars.”

Shlomo immediately called over the waiter and said, “Separate bills please.”

“Hello, that’s you, Abe?"

“Yes, dis is Abe.”

“It doesn’t sount like Abe.”

“Vell, dis is Abe all right.”

“You’re positive it’s Abe?”

“Absolutely.”

“Vell, listen Abie, dis is Moe. Can you lend me feefty dollars?”

“Ven Abe comes in, I’ll tell him you called—”

Gary was having a good time in Tel Aviv and was invited to a party. Unfortunately, during the evening, he lost his wallet. So Gary, not being the shy kind, stood on a chair and shouted, “Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I’ve just lost my wallet with over $500 in cash in it. To the person that finds my wallet, I will give $50.”

A voice from the back of the hall shouted, “I will give $75.”

A man dies and his three best friends, Shlomo, Patrick and Peter are looking at his body in the coffin.

Patrick says, “He was such a good friend to me that I don’t want him to go to his maker empty-handed.” He then throws $200 in $20 bills into the coffin.

Peter says, “I agree, so I’ll match that,” and he also throws $200 into the coffin.

Shlomo then says, “What cheap-skates you both are. I’m ashamed to know you. I’m going to give him $1,000.” Shlomo then writes out a check for $1,400, throws it in and takes the $400 in change out of the coffin.