Oy!: The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes (11 page)

“I’
m so upset,“ said Benny to his rabbi. "I took my son-in-law into my clothing business and yesterday I caught him kissing one of the models!”

“Have a little patience!” advised the rabbi. “After all, men will be men. So he kissed one of the models, so what, it’s not that terrible.”

“But you don’t understand,” said Benny “I make men’s clothes.”

Issy goes to meet his new son-in-law to be, Benjy.

He says to Benjy, “So, tell me, Benjy my boy, what do you do?”

“I study the Torah,” he replies.

“But Benjy, you are going to marry my daughter, how are you going to feed and house her?”

“No problem,” says Benjy, “I study Torah and it says God will provide.”

“But you will have children, how will you educate them?” asks Issy.

“No problem,” says Benjy, “I study Torah and it says God will provide.”

When Issy returns home, his wife anxiously asks him what Benjy is like.

“Well,” says Issy, “he’s a lovely boy. I only just met him and he already thinks I’m God.”

Two friends meet in the street. One says, “Is it true, Isaac, that your mother-in-law is ill?"

“Yes.”

“In fact, Isaac, I heard that she was in the hospital.”

“Yes.”

“How long has she been in the hospital, Isaac?”

Isaac replies, “In three weeks’ time, please God, it will be a month.”

Many years ago, a Jewish town had a shortage of single men of marriageable age and they used to bring them in from nearby towns. One day, when a suitable man arrived by train, not one but two mothers-in-laws-to-be were waiting for him and each claimed him for themselves. So the rabbi was called to sort it out.

After he heard the facts, he said to the two women, “If you still both want him, then we’ll have to cut him in half and each one of you can then have half of him.”

One kept quiet while the other said, “In that case, give him to the other woman.”

When the rabbi heard this, he immediately said, “OK, I agree. The other woman can have him. Anyone willing to cut him in half is obviously the real mother-in-law!”

There was a time when Pharaoh was repeatedly breaking his promise to release the children of Israel from bondage in Egypt. So Aaron said to his wife, “You know Sarah, this Pharaoh is really turning out to be a first-class
momzer.”

“Aaron,” said Sarah, “You mustn’t say such things. We are all one family Don’t forget we are all children of God, even Pharaoh.”

“I cannot deny that this is true,” replied Aaron, “but this Pharaoh, he must come from your side of the family!”

Sadie and Rose were sitting under hair dryers at the hairdresser having a chat. Sadie says, “So, Rose, how’s that daughter of yours?"

Rose replies, “She’s OK, thanks. She married a fantastic man. He’s got such a good job in the City that she gave up her secretary’s job. She stays at home but never needs to cook, because he always takes her out, or clean the house, because he got her a maid, or worry about my two lovely grandchildren, because he got her a live-in nanny.”

Sadie then asks, “And how’s your son?”

Rose replies, “His life is awful. He married a bitch from hell. She never cooks anything and makes him take her out to dinner every night. God forbid she should vacuum a carpet, so she made him get her a maid. He has to work like a dog because she refuses to get a job and she never takes care of my grandson because she made him get her a nanny.”

Sadie tells Maurice, “You’re a
shmuckl
You always were a
shmuck
and you always will be a
shmuck!
You look, act and dress like a
shmuck!
You’ll be a
shmuck
until the day you die! And if they ran a world-wide competition for
shmucks,
you would be the world’s second-biggest
shmuck!"

“Why only second place?” Maurice asks.

“Because you’re a
shmuck!”
Sadie screams.

Beckie and Morris had just had yet another of their fights. At the end of this one, she said to him, “You’ll be sorry, I’m going to leave you.”

To which Morris replied, “Make up your mind, dear, which one is it going to be? It can’t be both!”

Moshe had a fight with Sadie, his wife, and went to the movies to cool off. Later that evening, he decided to phone home to see what the situation was and maybe even apologize.

“Hello, darling,” he said, “what are you making for dinner?”

“What am I making, you bastard? Poison, that’s what I’m making, poison.”

Moshe replied, “So make just one portion, I’m not coming home.”

Morris was certainly not the most aggressive or demanding of husbands. During one argument with his wife, he told her, “We’re not going out tonight and that’s semi-final!"

Moshe and his wife Sadie are having dinner at a nice restaurant in Brooklyn when an attractive young redhead walks by, smiles at Moshe and says, “Hello Moshe.”

Sadie immediately asks, “And who was that girl who just spoke to you?”

Moshe replies, “Oh her, that’s my mistress.”

“You have a mistress? I don’t believe you. How long has this been going on?” says Sadie.

“About ten years, on and off,” answers Moshe.

“Ten years?” says Sadie. “You bastard! I’ll see a lawyer tomorrow and start divorce proceedings. I’ll ruin you, you wait and see.”

“Now hold on Sadie,” responds Moshe, “just think about it for a minute. If we get a divorce, you will only get only half of what we have together now. You won’t have our big house in Westchester, you’ll no longer get a new Lexus as your birthday present from me each year, you won’t be able to play golf all day with your friends, you won’t—”

But before Moshe can continue, a blonde walks past and says to him, “Hello, nice to see you again.”

Sadie asks, “And who was that, another of your ‘girls’?”

Moshe replies, “No, that’s Hymie’s mistress.”

“You mean that Hymie also has a mistress?” says Sadie, surprised.

Moshe answers, “Of course, she’s been with him for nearly twelve years.”

Sadie then says, proudly, “I like ours a lot better.”

Sadie was talking to her best friend Rachel. “Is that a new ring I see you’re wearing, Rachel?"

“Yes it is, Sadie,” replied Rachel. “My husband Max bought it for me. It’s special. I call it my mood ring.”

“Why do you call it that?” asked Sadie.

“Well, when I’m in a good mood it turns green and when I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.”

Moshe was talking to his friend. “I had it all, Hymie—money, a beautiful house and the love of a beautiful woman. Then pow! It was all gone.”

“What happened?” asked Hymie.

“My wife found out about the beautiful woman.”

Isn’t marriage wonderful?

“I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always.”

“I haven’t spoken to my wife for eighteen months. I don’t like to interrupt her.”

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, “What’s on the TV?” I said, “Dust!”

In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping in Manhasset and said, “I haven’t eaten anything in four days.” She looked at him and said, “God, I wish I had your willpower.”

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law!

Son: “Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?” Dad: “Not just in Africa, son. That happens in every country”

First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!” Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

Q: How do most men define marriage? A: An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren’t for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

If you want your wife to listen and pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Then there was a man who said, “I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.”

The trouble with some Jewish women is that they get all excited about nothing and then they marry him.

Moshe came home from work one day to find his wife, Yvonne, sitting on the front doorstep with her bags packed. Moshe asked her where she was going, and Yvonne replied, “I’m going to Las Vegas.”

Moshe questioned her as to why she was going and Yvonne told him, “I just found out that I can make $1,000 a night doing what I give you for free.”

Moshe pondered that for a while, went into the house, packed his bags and returned to the front door and his wife.

Yvonne said, “And just where do you think you are going?”

Moshe replied, “I’m going, too.”

“Why?” she asked.

Moshe said, “I want to see how you are going to live on $1,000 a year.”