Oy!: The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes (13 page)

Sarah replies, “OK, but if you get home before me, please leave the light on in the hall.”

Isaac gets home late after attending his friend’s going-away party in the City. As soon as he walks in, there is his wife, Sarah, waiting for him.

Sarah looks at Isaac and says angrily, “Can you explain to me, Isaac, how this large red lipstick mark got onto your shirt collar?”

“No, I can’t,” Isaac replies. “I don’t know how it happened—I distinctly remember taking off my shirt.”

Sarah and Isaac are arguing. Just before leaving for work, on his way out of the door, Isaac shouts at Sarah, “You’re not even good in bed.”

When Isaac returns home after work that day, he looks for Sarah. He goes upstairs and notices that the bedroom door is closed. He goes in and there is Sarah in bed with his best friend.

“What the hell are you doing?” he shouts at her.

“Getting a second opinion,” replies Sarah.

Bernard goes to see his rabbi. “Something terrible is happening to me, Rabbi. I must talk to you about it.”

The rabbi asks, “So what’s wrong, Bernard?” Bernard replies, “I’m sure that my wife Sarah is poisoning me.”

The rabbi is surprised by this and says to Bernard, “I’m sure you can’t be right.”

But Bernard pleads, “I’m telling you, Rabbi, I’m certain Sarah’s poisoning me and I don’t know what to do.”

The rabbi shrugs his shoulders and says, “OK, if I can talk to Sarah, I might be able to find out what’s happening. I can then let you know what I’ve discovered.”

Bernard says, “Thank you, Rabbi. What would I have done without you?”

A week later, the rabbi calls Bernard and says, “Well, I contacted Sarah—in fact I spoke to her on the phone for over three hours. Do you want my advice now?”

Bernard replies, “Yes, please, Rabbi.”

“I think you should take the poison!”

This is what Sadie says (but really means):

We need (I want)

It’s your decision (The correct decision should be obvious by now)

Do what you want (You’ll pay for this later)

We need to talk (I need to complain)

Sure—go ahead (I don’t want you to)

You’re certainly attentive tonight (Is sex all you ever think about?)

You’re—so manly (You need a shave and you sweat a lot)

I’m not upset (Of course I’m upset, you moron!)

I’m not emotional or overreacting (I’ve got my period)

Be romantic, turn out the lights (I have flabby thighs)

This kitchen is so inconvenient (I want new curtains, carpets and furniture)

Hang the picture there (No, I mean hang it there)

I heard a noise (I noticed you were almost asleep)

Do you love me? (I’m going to ask for something expensive)

How much do you love me? (I did something today you’re not going to like)

I’ll be ready in a minute (Kick off your shoes and turn on the TV)

Does my ass look big in this? (Tell me I’m beautiful)

You must learn to communicate (Just agree with me)

I’m sorry (You’ll be sorry)

Do you like this recipe? (It’s easy to make so you’d better get used to it)

Was that the baby? (Get out of bed and rock him to sleep)

I’m not yelling! (Yes I’m yelling because I think this is important)

Lionel and Judith had just returned home from a party.

Judith said, “Do you realize what you did tonight, Lionel?”

“No I don’t,” Lionel replied, “but I’ll admit I was wrong. What did I do?”

Sidney says to his friend, “We were so poor when I was young that I had to sleep in the same bed as my three brothers. We slept four-to-a-bed for many years. I didn’t know what it was like to sleep alone until I grew up and married Sadie.”

Benny was fed up with being bossed around by his wife Leah so he went to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist told him that he was too much of a mild-mannered man and needed to build up his self-esteem. So he lent Benny a book on assertiveness. Benny started to read the book on the train and by the time he got home, he had finished the book.

Benny strode manfully into the house, walked over to Leah, pointed his finger at her and said, “From now on you must get it into your head that I and not you make all the decisions in this house. Tonight, I want you to prepare me my favorite meal and I expect a special mouthwatering dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you’re going to run me a hot bath so I can relax. And when I step out of the bath, guess who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”

“Abrahamson, the funeral director, that’s who,” replied Leah.

Even though Morris and Sadie have been married for a very, very long time, they still decide to visit a divorce lawyer in Camden. At the first meeting, the lawyer asks them, “Why in the world do you want to get divorced? You each look well into your 90s. Why now of all times?"

Morris replies, “Actually, I’m 102 and my wife Sadie is 101.”

The solicitor is totally bemused and asks them again “So why do you want a divorce now?”

Sadie replies this time, “Well, we wanted to wait until all of the children were dead.”

Shlomo and Hetty had been living apart for a number of weeks and decided to visit their rabbi to see whether he could help solve their problems and save their marriage. Following some lengthy counseling with the rabbi, they made a brief attempt to reconcile their differences, but in the end they failed. They quickly decided to end their union.

In court to finalize their separation, the judge asked Shlomo, “So tell me, what has brought you to the point where you are unable to keep your marriage going?”

Shlomo replied, “In the seven weeks we’ve been back together, your honor, we just haven’t been able to agree on one little thing.”

Hetty interrupts, “He means eight weeks, your honor!”

Hymie is telling his friends about his recent divorce. “Yes, it’s true. Sylvie divorced me for religious reasons. She worshipped money and I didn’t have any.”

Rebecca goes to see her rabbi. He can see right away that she is angry. She immediately tells him that she wants a divorce. “Why, what’s the matter?” he asks.

Rebecca replies, “I have a strong suspicion that he’s not the father of our youngest child!”

Q: Why do Jewish divorces cost so much?

A: Because they are worth it.

Q: What is the technical term for a divorced Jewish woman?

A:“The claimant.”

Q:What’s the difference between a circumcision and a divorce?

A:With a divorce you’re rid of the whole
shmuck.

Issy is playing a round of golf with Sidney when suddenly, Issy announces, “I want a divorce.”

“Why on earth do you want to do that?” says Sidney. “Why do you want to divorce your lovely Hetty? She’s beautiful. And if I may say so, she seems so warm and gentle, with a great figure to go with it.”

“Look at it this way, Sidney,” replies Issy, as he removes one of his shoes. “Just look at this shoe. The leather seems soft and gentle, it looks great on my foot and its shape is very modern. Don’t you agree?”

“Yes,” replies Sidney, “but I don’t understand what you’re getting at.”

“Well,” says Issy, “I’m the only one who knows the shoe is pinching my toes and it hurts terribly.”

Moshe muttered a few words in the synagogue and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

One day, Ethel tells her husband, Benjy, “I’ve found myself another lover and I want a divorce.”

“Never,” says Benjy, “I don’t believe in divorce. But I’ll tell you what you can do. If your new man is presentable, why not bring him home to live with us?”

Ethel accepts this arrangement. Her new lover comes to live with them and soon Ethel is pregnant. A few years later, the four of them are out walking when Benjy meets an old friend of his. “Benjy! You’re looking very well,” says his friend, “who is that lovely lady?”

“That,” replies Benjy with pride, “is my wife.”

“And who is the young boy?”

“That’s my son Isaac,” answers Benjy.

“And who is that nice-looking young man with your wife?” asks his friend.

“Ah,” replies Benjy, “that’s my
shmuck"