Oy!: The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes (15 page)

The priest was getting a bit fed up with this questioning and replied, “Because I am the Father for over two hundred people.”

Abe was taken aback and was silent for a while. Then, as he got up to leave, Abe said to the priest, “Mister, maybe you should vare your pents beckvurds instead.”

Benny has been wondering for some time why Sam, one of his five sons, is so different to his other children. So he plucks up courage and asks his wife, “Tell me the truth, Sarah. Who is Sam’s real father?"

Sarah replies, “You are.”

My Yiddishe Mama

My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done:

“If you two are going to kill each other, do it outside, I just finished cleaning!”

My mother taught me religion:

“If you don’t learn Hebrew, you won’t be Bar Mitzvah’ed and, if you’re not Bar Mitzvah’ed, I’ll die of embarrassment!"

My mother taught me about time travel:

“If you don’t behave, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

My mother taught me logic:

“Because I said so, that’s why.”

My mother taught me foresight:

“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

My mother taught me irony:

“Keep crying and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

My mother taught me about the science of osmosis:

“Shut your mouth and eat your supper!”

My mother taught me about contortion:

“Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!”

My mother taught me about stamina:

“You’ll sit there until all your spinach is finished.”

My mother taught me about the weather:

“It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.”

My mother taught me about hypocrisy:

“If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a million times—don’t exaggerate!”

My mother taught me the circle of life:

“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

My mother taught me about behavior modification:

“Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about envy:

“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do!”

My mother taught me medicine:

“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.”

My mother taught me to think ahead:

“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!"

My mother taught me ESP:

“Put your sweater on—don’t you think I know when you’re cold?”

My mother taught me to meet a challenge:

“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don’t talk back to me!"

My mother taught me humor:

“When that lawn-mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

My mother taught me restraint:

“Don’t eat so fast. If you don’t chew, you don’t digest and the doctor will have to remove your stomach.”

My mother taught me about the unknown:

“I gave you $10 last week. Where did it go?"

Rivkah sprang to answer the telephone, and heard, “Darling, how are you? This is Mommy.”

“Oh Mom,” Rivkah said crying, “I’m having a bad day. The baby won’t eat and the washing machine won’t work. I’ve sprained my ankle and I’m hobbling around. On top of all this, the house is a mess and I’m supposed to have the Minkys and the Rokens for dinner tonight. I haven’t even had a chance to go shopping.”

The voice on the other end said in sympathy, “Darling, let Mummy handle it. Sit down, relax and close your eyes. I’ll be over in half an hour. I’ll do your shopping, tidy up the house and cook your dinner. I’ll feed the baby and I’ll call a plumber I know who’ll fix your washing machine. Now stop crying. I’ll even call your husband David at the office and tell him he should come home to help out for once.”

“David?” said Rivkah. “Who’s David?”

“Why, David’s your husband—is this 555-9999?”

“No, this is 555-6483.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry I must have dialed the wrong number.”

There was a short pause, then Rivkah said, “Does this mean you’re not coming?”

Q: What is a Jewish woman’s idea of natural childbirth?

A: No makeup whatsoever.

Q: What did the Jewish Mother cash dispenser say to her customer?

A: You never write, you never call and you only visit me when you need money.

Q: What did the Jewish mother say when her daughter told her she was having an affair?

A: Who’s doing the catering?

Q: Why did the Jewish mother want to be buried near Short Hills Mall?

A: To be sure her daughter would visit her twice a week.

Henry invited his mother, Freda, over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Freda couldn’t help but keep noticing how beautiful Henry’s roommate, Debbie, was. Freda had long been suspicious of a relationship between Henry and Debbie and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Freda started to wonder if there was more between Henry and Debbie than met the eye.

Reading his mother’s thoughts, Henry said, “I know what you must be thinking, mom, but I assure you Debbie and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Debbie said to Henry, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”

Henry replied, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll write her a letter just to be sure.”

So he sat down and wrote: “Dear Mother, I’m not saying that you did take the gravy ladle from the house, I’m not saying that you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.”

Several days later, Henry received a letter from his mother, which read: “Dear Son, I’m not saying that you do sleep with Debbie, and I’m not saying that you do not sleep with Debbie. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love Mother.”

Lesson of the day—don’t lie to a Jewish mother.

The remarkable thing about my mother is that for twenty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.

Moshe calls his mother and asks, “How are you?”

“Not too good,” Hetty says. “I’m feeling very weak.”

“Why, mother?”

Hetty says, “Because I haven’t eaten in twenty-three days.”

Moshe replies, “That’s terrible, mother. Why haven’t you eaten in twenty-three days?”

Hetty answers, “because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call!”

Abe Caponovitch, a Jewish gangster, was dining at a kosher restaurant on New York’s Lower East Side, when members of the mob burst in and shot him full of lead. Abe managed to stagger out of the restaurant and stumbled up the street to the block where his mother lived. Clutching his bleeding stomach, he then crawled up the stairs and banged on the door of his mother’s apartment, screaming, “Mama, Mama! Help me, Mama!” His mother opened the door, eyed him up and down and said,
“Bubbeleh,
come in. First you eat, then you talk!"

Q: How do Jewish wives get their children ready for supper?

A: They put them in the car.

Q: What did the waiter ask the group of Jewish mothers?

A:“Is anything OK?"