Oy!: The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes (4 page)

Rebecca was a kindergarten teacher. One day, during her art lesson, as she was walking around the class observing the children while they were drawing, she stopped at little Leah’s desk. Leah was working away very diligently.

Rebecca said, “What are you drawing, Leah?”

Leah replied, “I’m drawing God, teacher.”

Rebecca paused and then said, “But
no
one knows what God looks like, Leah.”

Without looking up from her work, Leah replied, “They will in a minute.”

A proud young mother sees off her son to school on the first day. “Be a good boy, my
bubbeleh!
Be careful and think of mummy, sweetest! Come right home on the bus, honey! Mummy loves you very much, baby.”

At the end of the day, she’s waiting for the bus and sweeps him into her arms. “And what did my love learn on his first day at school?”

“I learned that my name is David.”

“Hyman, you had better come over here right away. There has been some trouble with your son.”

“Vy, vot’s happened, teacher?”

“I can’t discuss it over the phone, you had better come.”

So Hyman arrives at the school. “I’m very sorry to tell you but we are expelling your son; we can’t tolerate his sort of behavior here.”

“But vy, vot’s he done?”

“Well, to be quite frank, we found him playing with his genitals.”

“But dat’s not such a terrible ting, some of my best friends are genitals.”

Yossi comes home from school and tells his mother he has been given a part in the school play.

“Wonderful,” says the mother, “What part is it?”

Yossi says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband.”

The mother scowls and says, “Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part.”

On her first day in her new job, Christine, a new school teacher, thinks it would be a good idea to try to bond with the children by asking each of them their name and what their father did for a living.

The first little girl replies, “My name is Celina, teacher, and my daddy is a dustman.”

The next little boy replies, “I’m Peter and my dad is a gardener.”

But the next little boy says, “My name is Moshe, teacher, and my father is a strip-o-gram during the day and works in a gay club at night.”

Christine quickly changes the subject.

Later on, in the school playground, Christine quietly goes over to Moshe and asks, “Is it really true what you said about your father, Moshe?”

Moshe blushes and replies, “I’m sorry teacher but he’s a chartered accountant at Arthur Andersen. I was just too embarrassed to say so.”

The Sunday school lesson had just finished and the rabbi asked if the children had any questions. Little David quickly raised his hand. “Yes, David? What question would you like to ask me?"

“I have four questions to ask you, Rabbi. Is it true that after the children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, they received the Ten Commandments?”

“Yes, David.”

“And the children of Israel also defeated the Philistines?”

“Yes, David, that’s also true.”

“And the children of Israel also fought the Egyptians and fought the Romans and built the Temple?”

“Again you are correct, David.”

“So my last question is, Rabbi, what were the grown-ups doing all this time?”

Mr. Henry the math teacher, enters the classroom. The students are playing around after the bell and are not in their seats, so Mr. Henry decides to teach them a lesson.

He calls, “Ivan, name a two-digit number.”

Ivan responds, “56.”

Mr. Henry says, “Why not 65? Sit down, you have a D minus.”

Peter, name a two-digit number.”

Peter responds, “18.”

Mr. Henry says, “Why not 81? D minus for you, too.”

“Moshe, name a two-digit number.”

Moshe responds, “33.”

Mr. Henry says, “Why not—Moshe! Stop these Jewish tricks at once!”

A young, popular, but controversial teacher tells her third-year class that she is an atheist and asks if there are any other atheists in the class, that they put up their hands. Not really knowing what an atheist was, but wanting to follow their teacher, all but one of them immediately put up their hands. The exception is Natalie. The teacher asks Natalie why she wants to be different to all the others.

“Because I’m not an atheist,” she replies.

“So what are you then?” asks the teacher.

“I’m Jewish.”

The teacher asks Natalie why she is Jewish.

“I was brought up knowing and loving God. My mother is Jewish and my father is Jewish, so I am Jewish.”

“That’s not a good enough reason,” the teacher says loudly “What if your mum was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”

“Then I’d be an atheist,” says Natalie, smiling.

Little Sarah is attending her very first sex education class at her school. During the lesson, she asks her teacher, “Miss, do you think my mother could get pregnant?"

The teacher asks, “How old is your mother, Sarah?”

Sarah replies, “She’s 38 years old, Miss.”

The teacher then says, “Yes, Sarah, your mother could get pregnant.”

Sarah then asks, “Miss, can my big sister also get pregnant?”

The teacher asks, “How old is your sister, Sarah?”

Sarah answers, “She’s eighteen, Miss.”

The teacher says, “Oh yes, your sister certainly could get pregnant.”

So Sarah then asks, “Can I get pregnant, Miss?”

The teacher asks, “How old are you, Sarah?”

Sarah replies, “I’m seven years old, Miss.”

The teacher says, “No, Sarah, you can’t get pregnant.”

Little Maurice, who is sitting behind Sarah, gives her a poke in the back and says, “See, Sarah, I told you we had nothing to worry about.”

Little Moshe is doing his homework. As his mother walks past his room, she hears him saying, “One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two. Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four. Three and three.”

So she asks him, “Darling, where did you learn that way of doing sums?”

Moshe replies, “My teacher, Miss Anderson, taught us that way, mummy.”

Next day, Moshe’s mother goes into his classroom, confronts Miss Anderson and tells her about Moshe’s “different” way of doing arithmetic. Miss Anderson is shocked. At first she can’t understand why Moshe would say that she had taught it, but then suddenly it dawned on her.

“I know why,” she says, “in our class, we say, one and one, the sum of which is two.”