Oy!: The Ultimate Book of Jewish Jokes (3 page)

Harry and Victor are in the men’s room at Grand Central Station.

Harry says to Victor, “Are you from Syosset?”

Victor replies, “Yes, how did you know that?”

Harry says, “Do you belong to the Syosset Synagogue?”

Victor exclaims, “Yes, how did you know that?”

Harry then says, “Is Rabbi Levy, the
mohel,
still there?”

Victor replies, “Yes, how did you know that?”

Harry answers, “It’s obvious. Rabbi Levy always cuts on a slant and you’re peeing on my shoe.”

Tex Cohen lived in—you guessed it, Texas. One day, he bought a round of drinks for everyone in the pub because his wife Honeysuckle had just given birth to a typical Texas baby boy weighing twenty pounds. Everyone in the pub congratulated him and many told him that they found it hard to believe that his baby weighed in so heavy. But Tex assured them, “It’s true, it’s really true.”

When Tex came back to the same pub three weeks later, the bartender said to him, “Say, you’re the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth aren’t you? So tell us, how much does your baby weigh now?”

Tex proudly replied, “Twelve pounds.”

The barman could not understand this, so he asked Tex, “Why? Is he ill? What happened? He weighed twenty pounds at birth, why has he lost so much weight?”

Tex took a big swig from his beer, wiped his lips with the back of his hand, leaned into the bartender and proudly replied, “Had him circumcised.”

Leah gives 25c to her daughter Sarah. The little girl goes outside and returns ten minutes later without the coin. Wondering what she has done with the money, Leah asks, “Where is the 25c I gave you, darling?”

“I gave it to an old lady,” says Sarah.

“Oh, you sweet girl. I am so proud. Tomorrow you shall have one dollar.”

The next day, true to her word, Leah gives Sarah a whole dollar. Off Sarah goes outside and returns later without the bill.

“What did you do with the one pound?”

“Oh, today I saw the same old lady,” begins Sarah, as her mother beamed at her, “and gave her the dollar so she could buy me a bigger ice cream.”

Rabbi Bloom asked young Paul what his favorite Bible story was.

“I guess the one about Noah and the Ark, where they floated around on the water for forty days and forty nights” replied Paul.

“That was a good story,” said Rabbi Bloom, “and, with all that water, I bet they had a good time fishing, don’t you think?”

Paul thought for a moment, then replied, “I don’t think so—they only had two worms.”

Whenever four-year-old Miriam was asked her name, she replied, “I’m Mr. Levy’s daughter.”

So her mother told her this was wrong and that she must answer, “I’m Miriam Levy.”

Next Shabbes, after the service, the rabbi asked her, “Aren’t you Mr. Levy’s daughter, little girl?”

Miriam replied, “I thought I was, but my mother says I’m not.”

Even though they were brought up strictly orthodox, Shlomo, eight, and Isaac, ten, were very naughty brothers. When anything went wrong in town, they were nearly always involved. One day, a friend visited their parents and mentioned a rabbi who was having great success with delinquent children. As they were finding it difficult to control their boys, they went to this rabbi and asked whether he could help.

He said he could and asked to see the younger boy first—but he must be alone. So Shlomo went to see the rabbi while Isaac was kept at home. The rabbi sat Shlomo down at a huge, solid mahogany desk and he sat down on the other side. For five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the rabbi pointed his finger at Shlomo and asked, “Where is God?”

Shlomo said nothing.

Again, in a louder tone, the rabbi pointed at Shlomo and asked, “Where is God?” Again Shlomo said nothing.

Then the rabbi leaned across the desk, put his finger on Shlomo’s nose and shouted, “For the third time, Shlomo, where is God?”

Shlomo panicked at this, got up and ran all the way home. He went straight up to Isaac’s room and said, “We are in big trouble, Isaac.”

“What do you mean, big trouble, little brother?” said Isaac.

Shlomo replied, “God is missing—and they think we did it.”

As soon as the Shabbes service had ended, little Benjy walks up to Rabbi Bloom and says, “When I grow up, Rabbi, I’m going to give you lots of money.”

Rabbi Bloom laughs and replies, “That’s really good to know, Benjy, but why do you want to do this?”

Benjy replies, “Because my Dad says you’re the poorest rabbi we have ever had!”

Sadie goes with her young son Moshe to visit her best friend Rifka and her young daughter Hannah, as they do every Sunday afternoon. When they arrive, the two mothers send their children upstairs so they can talk about their neighbors. The children are first given a stern warning not to fight. After about an hour, everything is too quiet upstairs so Sadie hollers out, “Children, you’re not fighting up there are you?”

Moshe’s voice comes back, “No mum, we’re not fighting, we’re
shtupping.”

Sadie replies, “That’s good children, don’t fight.”

Sadie was making some pancakes as a treat for her two young sons, Simon and Nicky. But the boys began to argue as to who should get the first pancake she made.

“Shame on you boys,” said Sadie. “If the wise King Solomon were here today, he would say, ‘let my brother have the first pancake.’ ”

Nicky looked at Simon and said, “OK, Simon, you be King Solomon today.”

Rodney Dangerfield:

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a radio and a toaster!”

“I was such an ugly baby, my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.”

“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”

Little Paul says to his father, “Daddy, Daddy, I want to get married.”

His father says, “For that son, you have to have a girlfriend.”

Paul says, “But I’ve found a girl.”

“Who?” says his father.

“My grandma.”

“Let me get this straight.” the father says. “You want to marry my mother? You can’t do that.”

“Well, why not?” says Paul. “You married mine.”

One morning, as little Hannah was sitting at the kitchen sink watching her mother wash and dry the breakfast plates, she noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair mixed in with her dark hair. Hannah looked at her mother and said, “Why have you got some white hairs, mummy?”

Her mother replied, “Well, darling, every time a daughter does something bad to make her mother cry or unhappy, one of her mother’s hairs turns white.”

Hannah thought about this information for a few moments then said, “Mummy, so how come all of grandma’s hairs are white?”